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Original poster

Affair. Learn from my mistake

135 replies

Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 13:56

This serves as a warning. I was u happy in my marriage and rather than invest in my partner, I took the cowards option and invested time in another. The flattery made me feel good, it was an escape from reality, and my confidence soared. In hindsight it was the single most selfish thing I have done in my life, and I hurt a kind, beautiful man in doing it. I was an idiot.

In end, I told my husband. It is a hard and long road to recover. We love each other and want to make it work, but there is no escaping the fact that I did something massive to hurt him. I choose to spend time with another and risked my family. It's mind-blowing how stupid I was. It's so very hard to explain.

So, don't be me. Be better than me. If you love your partner, don't risk everything for a bit of cheap fun. It's not smart and once the thrill of the 'newness' fades, you will realise how insignificant and worthless it was. My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this. I am trying so hard to be the wife he deserves.

OP posts:
SaraSS · 27/03/2023 14:00

Thank you for sharing.
You're not alone. It's rarely a black and white situation.
I hope you can get the support you need to move forwards, you need to forgive yourself and heal in order to work on your relationship.
Be kind to yourself. X

SunflowerTed · 27/03/2023 14:11

Thank you. Sorry but no need to warn me - I wouldn’t dream of cheating!

Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 14:22

SaraSS · 27/03/2023 14:00

Thank you for sharing.
You're not alone. It's rarely a black and white situation.
I hope you can get the support you need to move forwards, you need to forgive yourself and heal in order to work on your relationship.
Be kind to yourself. X

I am trying to forgive myself, but it's not an easy process. Am just so ashamed of my actions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 14:22

SunflowerTed · 27/03/2023 14:11

Thank you. Sorry but no need to warn me - I wouldn’t dream of cheating!

I would have said the same in the past. Is crazy how things can change!

OP posts:
Wotnowconfused · 27/03/2023 14:34

I am in your husbands shoes over an emotional affair and feeling the pain, it's deep hurts so much and is the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
I'm hoping like you we can make it out the otherside intact as a couple and family.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/03/2023 14:49

OP, affairs have been going on forever and are well-documented. Did you heed and learn from other people's experiences and mistakes? No. People don't. They go their own way and have to accept the consequences.

Maybe I'm a bit cynical but, if you were a man posting, you'd be very likely thought to have posted what you did, to placate your cheated-on spouse, ie. used it as a prop or salve.

Your husband will likely never trust you again, no matter what you say or do because people who have affairs are very good at deceit. I know this.

Good luck with it all.

SugarMelonWater · 27/03/2023 14:54

You might find journaling helpful.
As Lyingwitch said above...

Dozycuntlaters · 27/03/2023 14:54

There must be a reason you were in that situation though? What happens when life gets like that again?

Did you tell your DH once it was over and you wanted to offload your guilt onto him or did you tell him before the affair was over. if you told him once it was over, who ended it, you or AP?

Deathbyfluffy · 27/03/2023 14:58

Dozycuntlaters · 27/03/2023 14:54

There must be a reason you were in that situation though? What happens when life gets like that again?

Did you tell your DH once it was over and you wanted to offload your guilt onto him or did you tell him before the affair was over. if you told him once it was over, who ended it, you or AP?

Instead of running off with someone else when things get tough, you can actually work to fix them instead. Bonkers I know!

I’ll never understand why people have affairs, it’s baffling. Either work to fix your marriage, or leave then have a new relationship.

Dozycuntlaters · 27/03/2023 15:07

@Deathbyfluffy Instead of running off with someone else when things get tough, you can actually work to fix them instead. Bonkers I know!

Yes of course I know that! I am just trying to point out to AP that despite her telling us how wonderful her husband is, there was obviously an issue in the marriage, and she didn't think he was that wonderful when she was shagging someone else and what is she going to do when that issue comes back.....which it will. With a whole new host of issues on top of that.

Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 15:09

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/03/2023 14:49

OP, affairs have been going on forever and are well-documented. Did you heed and learn from other people's experiences and mistakes? No. People don't. They go their own way and have to accept the consequences.

Maybe I'm a bit cynical but, if you were a man posting, you'd be very likely thought to have posted what you did, to placate your cheated-on spouse, ie. used it as a prop or salve.

Your husband will likely never trust you again, no matter what you say or do because people who have affairs are very good at deceit. I know this.

Good luck with it all.

Told him 18months ago so if I was using the post as a prop for my benefit, I would have done a while back I think.

And while I agree in principle with what you are saying, I didn't read mumsnet prior to this, so maybe if I had it would have made me reconsider. Or maybe when I was making the biggest mistake of my life I would have posted about it, got some horrid home truths and fixed things sooner. Who knows?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 15:15

Dozycuntlaters · 27/03/2023 15:07

@Deathbyfluffy Instead of running off with someone else when things get tough, you can actually work to fix them instead. Bonkers I know!

Yes of course I know that! I am just trying to point out to AP that despite her telling us how wonderful her husband is, there was obviously an issue in the marriage, and she didn't think he was that wonderful when she was shagging someone else and what is she going to do when that issue comes back.....which it will. With a whole new host of issues on top of that.

Agree. On back of this I did individual counselling to understand why I did what I did. A whole lot of that was unpicking what was wrong in my marriage that led up to this. None of it changes that it was my decision to cheat, but helps to understand what went wrong

We stopped communicating, got lost in the drudgery of kids/work/money etc. As part of trying again, we have both made commitments of things we need to change. Big part of that was on communicating more, and making time for each other.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 27/03/2023 16:19

I'm sorry but please.... What even is this? The 21st century of wearing a hair shirt and flogging yourself down the street as some personal penace?

You had an affair and you didn't find what you were looking for and judge it a mistake. Fine. But please don't act like some lesson as to why affairs always led to pain and terrible outcomes. Because frankly, they don't because sometimes while leaving a relationship or reconnecting with a spouse might be easier without one, sometimes its just the way life goes. Nor do they always lead to regret or guilt.

I know of many people who had affairs and whose lives are immeasurably better for having doing so and leaving relationships that had run their course.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 27/03/2023 16:22

Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 14:22

I would have said the same in the past. Is crazy how things can change!

Show quote history

I don't need your warning either. I'm not that selfish and can deal with any potential unhappiness in a far more constructive way.

Midge75 · 27/03/2023 16:31

I believe everyone has the potential to cheat. I have never cheated, have no intention of cheating and can't imagine ever cheating - but I would never dismiss my potential - complacency is dangerous - being aware that anyone can cheat might make you more alert to inappropriate situations etc. I didn't always feel this way - I would have been firmly in the "how could anyone? I would never" camp. I have seen good, honest people make horrible, horrible decisions. Some of these people were, in the past, utterly condemning of anyone who cheated. And yet, they found themselves uttering the words they had always scoffed at "it just happened". And they didn't mean it in a dismissive, fault-avoiding way - they were acknowledging that all the red flags were 'missed' and subconsciously ignored, until they found themselves making the awful, selfish decisions that ultimately hurt those they had loved the most. Devastating. There are serial cheats, but there are also lots of people like the OP, who do something they don't recognise in themselves and genuinely regret it and want to identify what caused it and change. I hope it works out, OP.

Livelovebehappy · 27/03/2023 16:35

It’s all about your moral compass and values. I have a good moral compass and high values, and would never, ever cheat. I have too much respect for myself and my dh to ever do that. And I suspect most people are the same…

butterfliedtwo · 27/03/2023 16:43

My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this.

Doesn't mean he trusts you, or anyone now, deep down. You've likely taken that away from him. Hope it was worth it.

SunflowerTed · 27/03/2023 19:02

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 27/03/2023 16:22

I don't need your warning either. I'm not that selfish and can deal with any potential unhappiness in a far more constructive way.

Show quote history

Totally this.

Hawkins00 · 27/03/2023 19:06

I understand you're perspectives op, and respect your honesty.
However that said the world is a major mix of grey and it's not always clear.
In my perspectives if you have affairs, try not to get caught, don't confess especially when it's very risky about how your partner will react.

Basically if you can handle the psychological compartmentalization of an affair, then you only live once, enjoy yourselves and everyone currently having affairs, appreciate what you have with both parties.

mybeautifuloak · 27/03/2023 19:10

@Deathbyfluffy I’ll never understand why people have affairs, it’s baffling. Either work to fix your marriage, or leave then have a new relationship.
Do you understand why people over eat? Or self harm? Or take drugs? Or become alcoholics? Or get into gambling debts or take their own lives? It's because we are human and humans are flawed.

mybeautifuloak · 27/03/2023 19:11

Livelovebehappy · 27/03/2023 16:35

It’s all about your moral compass and values. I have a good moral compass and high values, and would never, ever cheat. I have too much respect for myself and my dh to ever do that. And I suspect most people are the same…

I generally find people with a good moral compass are non judgemental. But hey, that's just my opinion.

Choconut · 27/03/2023 19:14

mybeautifuloak · 27/03/2023 19:10

@Deathbyfluffy I’ll never understand why people have affairs, it’s baffling. Either work to fix your marriage, or leave then have a new relationship.
Do you understand why people over eat? Or self harm? Or take drugs? Or become alcoholics? Or get into gambling debts or take their own lives? It's because we are human and humans are flawed.

Flawed/selfish/entitled/feckless.

KittyAlfred · 27/03/2023 19:29

Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 14:22

I am trying to forgive myself, but it's not an easy process. Am just so ashamed of my actions.

Show quote history

If I was your husband I’m not sure I’d be too bothered if you didn’t manage to forgive yourself. I’d want you to keep remembering how shit it felt so you were less likely to do it again.

gonnabeok · 27/03/2023 19:38

Ive been on the other end of an affair. It's just awful. I tried to make it wbut my feelings had changed towards my partner by then and I thought he just didnt deserve me so I ended it. He was He was not th

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/03/2023 19:54

I'm sorry but please.... What even is this? The 21st century of wearing a hair shirt and flogging yourself down the street as some personal penace?

kindly OP I agree
I totally think it’s ok to post here and vent
and to share what a stress it’s been

but im not sure that this attitude is
going to help you heal and be happy

as a PP said multiple people fuck up and make mistakes every day

your mistake is big for you
but the post feels like you want to be shit kicked !?