Affair. Learn from my mistake

[Skallywag1985]

This serves as a warning. I was u happy in my marriage and rather than invest in my partner, I took the cowards option and invested time in another. The flattery made me feel good, it was an escape from reality, and my confidence soared. In hindsight it was the single most selfish thing I have done in my life, and I hurt a kind, beautiful man in doing it. I was an idiot.

In end, I told my husband. It is a hard and long road to recover. We love each other and want to make it work, but there is no escaping the fact that I did something massive to hurt him. I choose to spend time with another and risked my family. It's mind-blowing how stupid I was. It's so very hard to explain.

So, don't be me. Be better than me. If you love your partner, don't risk everything for a bit of cheap fun. It's not smart and once the thrill of the 'newness' fades, you will realise how insignificant and worthless it was. My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this. I am trying so hard to be the wife he deserves.

Brilliantly insightful article

@bawchops Sorry if I came across as defensive I’ve read it back and realised that but I’m rushing around.

I often muse about the differences (broadly speaking) between women and men who cheat and why they do. I accept that OP was clearly unhappy (as was her husband but he didn’t choose to cheat). My husband was not unhappy (by his admission and my own lived experience), just selfish and entitled.

I totally accept that this affair happened within a different context. But ultimately I always worry when I hear of betrayed partners trying to tie themselves in knots to be ‘more’ for the cheat. Ultimately it feels like an extended form of the pick me dance. It’s not on the betrayed to prevent the cheat from cheating again by doing better, it’s on the cheat to become a safe partner.

Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we all can’t put in more effort into our relationships and nurture them - of course we should. I am totally pro the watering our side of the fence analogy but when affair reconciliation is focused on this because it helps the cheat more than the betrayed, the tightrope walked is very very thin and can lead to resentment.

How on earth can people put faith in these' debunked' assertions? The sample size, whatever it is, is highly stratified. Those 'reports' are full of compiled material from people who say that their marriage was happy and there was no reason to cheat. Who on earth could know that? The cheated on spouse isn't the arbiter of their whole marriage and, given that the cheater is adept at deception... well, they would say they were happy, wouldn't they? Why not when they want a chance to reconcile.

It would be mildly interesting to know how many 'I was not happy' people were polled and included in the data.

I personally have more faith in people not blowing their lives apart for no good reason. People who are happy in their relationships and their partners don't toss lighted matches...

And it’s your prerogative to believe that, so crack on @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I'm not going to debate this. It’s out there.

@Skallywag1985 I’m getting out of here. I only came on to offer you a different viewpoint, as I truly believe people can survive this shit (I am truly happy I stayed) and I think you both deserve the chance to rebuild if that is what you want, however you do that.

Anyway good luck.

I shall, Ietthatmango, likewise, crack on believing whatever sop you like.

What people say matters not a whit, what they do is truth.

I don't need to learn anything thanks OP. I always think folks who have affairs have some sort of deficiency in their constitution so I wouldn't take lessons from that sort. Weak-willed folk usually, mostly self-absorbed, and sometimes with self-esteem issues.

Whereas you sound like a lovely human being 🙂

Thank you @Nowhereelsetogo90

Having been cheated on and lied to over and over again I'd never dream of hurting anyone else in the way I have been. Affairs destroy people! If you don't like what you have end it and move on. Simple really!

Meh, humans are fallible & all humans have the potential to cheat. I’m never surprised by these threads. There’s thousands of them over the years - different wording, same message. Yes we all know having an affair breaks a moral code but it continues to happen.

And I have come to think that people who have affairs don’t like the person they’ve become so they seek escapism. Often they are victims too of a sad or lonely or unpleasant situation.

It’s never as black & white as some like to imagine.