Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair. Learn from my mistake

135 replies

Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 13:56

This serves as a warning. I was u happy in my marriage and rather than invest in my partner, I took the cowards option and invested time in another. The flattery made me feel good, it was an escape from reality, and my confidence soared. In hindsight it was the single most selfish thing I have done in my life, and I hurt a kind, beautiful man in doing it. I was an idiot.

In end, I told my husband. It is a hard and long road to recover. We love each other and want to make it work, but there is no escaping the fact that I did something massive to hurt him. I choose to spend time with another and risked my family. It's mind-blowing how stupid I was. It's so very hard to explain.

So, don't be me. Be better than me. If you love your partner, don't risk everything for a bit of cheap fun. It's not smart and once the thrill of the 'newness' fades, you will realise how insignificant and worthless it was. My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this. I am trying so hard to be the wife he deserves.

OP posts:
horizonsblue · 29/03/2023 05:38

And the saying " once. a cheater, always a cheater " is true. Because you cheated your partner out of something that can never be replaced. That cheating can never be erased. You may move on from the cheating and say you will never cheat again. , it doesn't mean the person you cheated on has, the pain is there for a long time. And you cheated them out of something precious.

Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 08:40

horizonsblue · 29/03/2023 05:35

If you slept with your affair partner just once , then realized that you had extremely poor judgement, and never saw him again,then I can in a way understand your remorse.

But if you continued the affair...then I don't because you are lecturing to us now because the affair did not lead to what you wanted, and your husband is your plan B to fall back on. You go on about how unhappy you both were in the marriage. That is still not an excuse to go and have an affair, especially as you describe your husband as a decent man.

I am not lecturing, I was simply sharing my opinion.

And if you read my posts, I say I was unhappy and that's what got me to that point, but the decision to cheat was mine alone, and I accept responsibility for that. I have never said it was justified. My comment was more that I needed to understand what went wrong in my marriage, on both sides, that got me to the stage where I was so u happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 08:41

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 00:47

Did you inform your husband if you used a condom or not with this other man, as if not, he would need to get an STI check?

What an odd and personal question to ask.

There are no STD problems

OP posts:
DomesticShortHair · 29/03/2023 09:06

I honestly don’t know if I could truly forgive an affair. But I know I couldn’t forgive a partner for confessing to one. Confessing isn’t some noble form of owning up, it’s actually the other person choosing to cause tremendous emotional damage, so that the person who had the affair can feel less guilty and reduce their own internal turmoil in the long run.

To me, confessing is the cowards way of dealing with things. The person having the affair should own it, not then drag their partner down so they can feel better.

horizonsblue · 29/03/2023 09:23

You come across as though you are on the moral high ground: you had an affair, and you told your husband which makes everything all right.
But it isn't . You. put your husband at risk of STD. Imagine if the person you were having an affair with was also sleeping with someone else.

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 09:30

Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 08:41

What an odd and personal question to ask.

There are no STD problems

Show quote history

You're the one who started an "aw, poor me" thread about your affair, and lecturing all of us about the emotional damage it causes.

But what about the physical health implications for your husband? If you had unprotected sex with another man, then he has a right to know that. Many STIs have no clear symptoms and can lay undetected for years.

Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 11:07

DomesticShortHair · 29/03/2023 09:06

I honestly don’t know if I could truly forgive an affair. But I know I couldn’t forgive a partner for confessing to one. Confessing isn’t some noble form of owning up, it’s actually the other person choosing to cause tremendous emotional damage, so that the person who had the affair can feel less guilty and reduce their own internal turmoil in the long run.

To me, confessing is the cowards way of dealing with things. The person having the affair should own it, not then drag their partner down so they can feel better.

Normally I would agree. But I was asked a direct question so I chose to answer versus lie. So he didn't find out, I didn't just randomly tell him, but when he asked I felt it was better to tell him truth.

Now I know someone will come along and say better to never have done it in first place, and they would be right, but that ship had sailed by then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 11:08

horizonsblue · 29/03/2023 09:23

You come across as though you are on the moral high ground: you had an affair, and you told your husband which makes everything all right.
But it isn't . You. put your husband at risk of STD. Imagine if the person you were having an affair with was also sleeping with someone else.

I am not on moral high ground, at all.

I find it an odd question that somebody would ask about protection/not on internet. It of course is something I discussed with husband. And no, there was no std problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 11:10

@TrishM80 , there is nothing in my post that says 'oh poor me'

I made a mistake. I have never said it was right and that it was a shame on me!

As for the Q. It is odd to ask someone that. It was not odd for me and my husband to discuss. Of course we did. And no, there was no physical issues

OP posts:
alwaysthekirsty · 29/03/2023 12:42

Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 11:10

@TrishM80 , there is nothing in my post that says 'oh poor me'

I made a mistake. I have never said it was right and that it was a shame on me!

As for the Q. It is odd to ask someone that. It was not odd for me and my husband to discuss. Of course we did. And no, there was no physical issues

I have to say I'm really quite surprised that you think it an odd question to ask, @Skallywag1985 unless you are getting confused. I don't think the person is asking you to reveal over the internet whether or not you used protection. Just whether you discussed this matter with your spouse.
Sexual health is a very serious issue. I think a lot of people don't really consider the seriousness of it. For instance, I have heard people talk about genital warts as though they are like plantar warts - as something that's annoying but no risk to health. HPV is incredibly common but if your spouse has never been exposed to it before, and also thought they had the protection from it via a monogamous relationship, then your infidelity could have profoundly lifelong implications for them. And then there are all the other STDs ...

alwaysthekirsty · 29/03/2023 12:48

@Skallywag1985 I should say that I found your opening post quite heartfelt and was impressed by your maturity. Your attitude to the risks of STDs is not in the same vein as your initial posting. I find that really concerning as I don't think you are alone in your lack of knowledge about STDs. I'm not blaming you for that, I just wish people would consider the potential health risks to their partner when they choose to be unfaithful.

Elsanore · 29/03/2023 12:58

SunflowerTed · 27/03/2023 14:11

Thank you. Sorry but no need to warn me - I wouldn’t dream of cheating!

What a pointless, smug, annoying post.

Harrypewter · 29/03/2023 13:53

I really do wish people would STOP misdirecting their own choices, decisions, and deeds on the relationship.
It's nonsense, if this thought process is being encouraged by counselors and friends then it's wholly incorrect. Shear self-indulgent sophistry.
The only persons to blame for the affair are the 2 people involved.

Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 16:07

alwaysthekirsty · 29/03/2023 12:48

@Skallywag1985 I should say that I found your opening post quite heartfelt and was impressed by your maturity. Your attitude to the risks of STDs is not in the same vein as your initial posting. I find that really concerning as I don't think you are alone in your lack of knowledge about STDs. I'm not blaming you for that, I just wish people would consider the potential health risks to their partner when they choose to be unfaithful.

Sorry if my comment is misunderstood, I maybe didn't answer it well. I fully understand the risks of STDs and of course my husbad and I have talked this. I just found it weird that someone was asking about this.

But to clarify- we did discuss, there were no implications in this sense.

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 29/03/2023 16:15

Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 14:22

I would have said the same in the past. Is crazy how things can change!

Show quote history

Not really. Ive been cheated on in two long term relationships, one involving our child. I can assure you now, I will never change my stance on cheating. It is disgusting.

Thedarkestblue · 29/03/2023 16:24

I'm sorry but please.... What even is this? The 21st century of wearing a hair shirt and flogging yourself down the street as some personal penace?

I agree with this. Every now and then these, ‘oh I did such a terrible thing, I am posting this as a morality warning to you all’ posts come along, and honestly, they just make me eye roll.

There’s something about this public self-flagellation that just feels deeply off.

Quitelikeit · 29/03/2023 16:47

As I like to say ……..the grass is greener where you water it

always. Always. Always

what made you tell him? How long did your affair last?

was he married? Did his wife find out?

was he upset you ended it

FloydPepper · 29/03/2023 17:01

Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 08:41

What an odd and personal question to ask.

There are no STD problems

Show quote history

So that’s a no then

it was asked as it often is when a man has cheated, as firstly it’s important, and secondly it’s an indicator of how open and honest you’re being with your husband.

it looks like you’re not

Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 17:04

@FloydPepper , it is not a no, you are making a big assumption there and have also not read the other posts

It is something I have discussed with my husband- Sexual health is important. There were no STD problems. My point wa sit is an odd thing to ask on internet (in my opinion).

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 29/03/2023 17:12

Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 17:04

@FloydPepper , it is not a no, you are making a big assumption there and have also not read the other posts

It is something I have discussed with my husband- Sexual health is important. There were no STD problems. My point wa sit is an odd thing to ask on internet (in my opinion).

It might be me but the language you are using in your responses to this particular question seems very… particular. I don’t think asking if you were honest with your husband is an odd question, and you’ve not really answered that.

have you been honest with you husband on your use, or not, of protection?

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 29/03/2023 17:17

SunflowerTed · 27/03/2023 14:11

Thank you. Sorry but no need to warn me - I wouldn’t dream of cheating!

Very easy to say this sort of thing. Lots can change. No one embarks on a relationship intending to cheat.

Original poster
Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 17:18

@FloydPepper to be explicit in my answer

  1. I was on birth control and we used a condom
  2. I got STD check after to be doubly sure
  3. I told my husband, about having sec and using condom, and shared the STD check results with him once I had these

So it's not I am being particular, was just saying it (thankfully) wasn't an issue and I found it odd Q. It's not that there is anything spicy to hide here. Apologies if it came across that way

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 29/03/2023 17:21

Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 17:18

@FloydPepper to be explicit in my answer

  1. I was on birth control and we used a condom
  2. I got STD check after to be doubly sure
  3. I told my husband, about having sec and using condom, and shared the STD check results with him once I had these

So it's not I am being particular, was just saying it (thankfully) wasn't an issue and I found it odd Q. It's not that there is anything spicy to hide here. Apologies if it came across that way

To be clear, I don’t think anyone was asking about number 1, just that those who have been cheated on and have experienced the continuing lies, minimising, not getting the full story etc and I think could see shades of that in your posts.

you’ve been clear now and I appreciate that

EmilyGilmoresSass · 29/03/2023 17:39

Skallywag1985 · 29/03/2023 17:04

@FloydPepper , it is not a no, you are making a big assumption there and have also not read the other posts

It is something I have discussed with my husband- Sexual health is important. There were no STD problems. My point wa sit is an odd thing to ask on internet (in my opinion).

A bit like how weird it is to tell the Internet (in your opinion) that they shouldn't cheat and provide warning then looking for sympathy.

Turnipworkharder · 29/03/2023 17:45

So do you still work with the guy you cheated with ?