Affair. Learn from my mistake

[Skallywag1985]

This serves as a warning. I was u happy in my marriage and rather than invest in my partner, I took the cowards option and invested time in another. The flattery made me feel good, it was an escape from reality, and my confidence soared. In hindsight it was the single most selfish thing I have done in my life, and I hurt a kind, beautiful man in doing it. I was an idiot.

In end, I told my husband. It is a hard and long road to recover. We love each other and want to make it work, but there is no escaping the fact that I did something massive to hurt him. I choose to spend time with another and risked my family. It's mind-blowing how stupid I was. It's so very hard to explain.

So, don't be me. Be better than me. If you love your partner, don't risk everything for a bit of cheap fun. It's not smart and once the thrill of the 'newness' fades, you will realise how insignificant and worthless it was. My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this. I am trying so hard to be the wife he deserves.

At the risk of de-railing the thread, what she said to you @Harrypewter about having something for herself! That is beyond bad.

That is not true, Harrypewter, it is simplistic, smug and just wrong. Do you think that people who have affairs make an outright decision to do so? Do they get up in the morning thinking, "Oh, today I will find myself somebody to have an affair with"? No. They don't.

It's said there are +/- 100 tiny points that get you to the stage of inappropriate feelings towards somebody else... and another 100 or so to get you to the stage where you decide to take it further and you do it. By that time it's too late to 'not have done it' and your feelings are compromised. Before that stage of inappropriateness, there was nothing to stop.

If you've never been in the position yourself then be glad. Pipe down though giving advice and ridiculous assurances because you can't. Until you've gone through that experience yourself, you know nothing.

This thread wasn't necessary though, nobody is going to heed OP's experiences. I don't know what the point of it was but I hope it was cathartic to the OP.

Wow!you believe more than 50% of couples cheat on each other? really? Ok....

Also, try to avoid the near-occasion of sin. That means, if you have more trouble when travelling, don't travel. If a male colleague wants dinner to discuss work, bring other colleagues or limit yourself to work subjects. Or better yet, don't go. Work should be discussed at work. If an email or text sounds just social, not work-related, ignore it. Or switch departments if you have feelings for the guy. Don't fall for the idea men and women can be "just friends." If you are married, do not have male friends whom you visit alone. Involve your husband in the gathering, or don't go. In fact, just telling your colleague, "great, I'll phone my husband to tell him to join us" will end all the nonsense before it starts.

That's the thing, and usually it's more the people that have the philosophy of , I'll never cheat, or have an affair, then slowly they are thinking of it etc

@Harrypewter @alwaysthekirsty

I see that as a positive. I want his confidence and strength to come back, of course I do. And if he feels like he is living constantly needing to check up or that he feels too good for me, then it isn't a successful relationship and he should feel ok about leaving. Same as I should feel ok about leaving if we are not successful.

I want my marriage to work, I love him and think we can still make each other happy. But we should only stay together if that's true. We have both made mistakes, and are committed to trying. But that shouldn't mean either one of us ends up miserable

My wife cheated on me 14 years ago and we stayed together, she never told me the full story, so good for you to tell him i hope everything works out for you .we had been married 26yrs when she did this and i dont think i will ever trust her the same again she was my soul mate and all that changed at the ring of her phone. good luck.

Why stay together if you can never trust her and can't put it fully behind you?

Deliberately inflammatory, yes. However it's just water off a ducks back.
It's like throwing a rubber brick.
Harmless.

It is very easy to say you would never. I don't believe life is as black and white.

I have been cheated on previously. Hurts like hell and for a long time I had so much anger and resentment towards partner. Hindsight tells me our relationship was in gutter. We would have been better splitting up.

This thought process could be used to explain away any immoral or criminal action really. It has no value as it doesn't make the outcome any more acceptable or less damaging for those it impacts.

My ex-husband made the choice to cheat. Whether that was one big decision or a thousand tiny ones doesn't matter to me in the slightest and doesn't change what happened and how it impacted me and our children.

If you've never been in the position yourself then be glad. Pipe down though giving advice and ridiculous assurances because you can't. Until you've gone through that experience yourself, you know nothing.

Of course, I've been able to find someone else attractive and meet up for flings or have a full-blown affair. I had 3 ex-partners stalking me whilst with my recently split ex-girlfriend.
I just shut all offers down immediately.
I even had a customer tell me her husband was away, would I like to share a bottle of wine, this was during a visit to price a substantial amount of work.
I've been cheated on twice now in 25 yrs-this time seems relatively painless.

The camps seem to be split between minimizers and those who would not pursue a relationship with others for whatever reason when married or partnered up.

I take my hat off to the op trying to right the wrongs, affairs working out are less than 5%. The odds are not good. Certainly not worth the human misery.

https://share.theschooloflife.com/article/e6ac1e51a4ad6534045228c69270b0de0c9a94f8b1284e81b85ecb3ed75c554fd2a6f6521c4d677f05e6608e2e6a6864bc5facf71f8846474a82b14cbc34c7ef

I hope this link works. Someone recently shared this article with me and I have to say it's the most compassionate and accurate description of an affair that I have ever read. I'm not offering it as an excuse but an insight, whichever side of the affair you find yourself on.

Basically, affairs are a fantasy.

Sure, a little fantasy but 🙄 that's really all you took from that article?

I think it is mainly because of the lack of communication between couples. But I am glad that you and your husband are together. It is a very helpful story for every person who is trying to go in this direction.

letthatmango
I mean this gently, I just think you need to be aware that at some point your husband might pull away from doing the ‘pick me dance’ of ‘fixing your needs’. 18 months is no time in and he is still most likely trying to navigate his own feelings.

The route you're going down is very much Esther Peral style thinking and that can come unstuck for many many betrayed after a period of time. Affair recovery is complex and I can understand where you are coming from entirely but I think it’s important to bare in mind that this ‘needs met’, narrative around affairs can become problematic.

I genuinely would advise you to get onto surviving infidelity and their wayward forum. I’m not someone who has cheated, but I am someone who has been cheated on and am totally aware this is my irritation with that view. But their forum is really good and may give you an opportunity just to think things from a different perspective, which I think is always wise.

Agree with this i think you need to understand from his point of view. 18 months is nothing he will still be processing. In my case i just lost respect for husband after the shock & PTS about 3 years later. He has done everything to make things right but i now just don't care i just don't love him the way i used to. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life trying to make up to me but im indifferent to that now because he has basically just let me down (simple as that) I stay coz it easy, convenient, we get on well & im okay about staying together but now 7 years later i just don't love him as he would like to be loved - because i can remember during his EA (they never met in person all just text) he put himself & her feelings first for 1 year If it had been physical I don't think i could have replayed the thought of him between her legs every day, which is what your husband will be thinking about - whether he admits that to you or not. You are still making this all about you tho im not sure you've learned anything

The article is an attempt to minimize and romanticize affairs.
There's also a semblance of the blame on the other.
It's an attempt at emotionally rationalizing the decision to go outside of the relationship.
It's not pleasant to read for those who have been on the other side so to speak.

On a personal note, my girlfriend claimed last night I still love her, no I don't, what I feel is dead toward her. No anger, no feelings, she's just a stranger.
I have one more week until I can leave, then the pressure of having to share a space with a betrayer will be released.

Yes @Skallywag1985 we have survived and it’s been many years now. I genuinely don’t think we would have done if my husband had even attempted to apportion any ‘blame’ on me, or our marriage or even tried to allude to the idea I didn’t meet his ‘needs’. His whole thought process was around being a safer partner. If this were the case I may well have danced the pick me dance at first BUT after time I would have become resentful and I would have walked.

We had young children at the time of his affair and we were both in that marriage BUT only one of us chose to do something so utterly disgusting. FWIW his approach has been to realise that I can’t meet his needs 100% of the time, its not my job to constantly validate him, his growth has been realising that we all need to be responsible for our own happiness and no one else can fill your own self. There are many things that happen in life which throw us and our focus on our partner can lessen but it’s on the partner as to how they deal with that. Safe partners communicate and ride the rough seas together they don’t have affairs, or they leave if the relationship is untenable. Affairs are (at their heart) using yet another person to fill your void in yourself.

As I’ve said this is my experience and I realise that our situation was similar and different in ways but I really am not a fan of the Esther Perel style of thinking post affairs for these reasons.

👆

@Skallywag1985 exactly as @letthatmango says - i think it seems you have learned nothing !

@Freeme31 @letthatmango

The cheater should always take blame for their choice. They didn't have to cheat, they had other options open and chose to do the easy/exciting/selfish thing. They should not apportion blame for that on their partner.

Taking the OP situations out of it, I personally don't know of any affairs that have happened in happy marriages/partnerships. And the state of the relationship is equally down to both persons in it. Maybe you think not worth it to work on that, as it is all the cheaters fault, but I have to wonder if that causes even more issues down road???

@bawchops there is plenty of reports out there now showing people cheat in ‘happy’ relationships, the stats are there if you go and look for them. The unhappy narrative has been debunked several times. My husband has never and would never have described our relationship as unhappy, as have other relationship I know that have survived cheating. I am not here to debate my marriage and situation, just to offer another view point to the OP.

Try not to fall off the moral high ground, it’s a long way down 😉

I’ve never cheated. But I’ve known people who have who would have spoken like this. You’d be surprised what people are capable of.

Am glad it is working for you. I wasn't trying to dispute what's going on in your relationship, just offering what I have seen my side.

OP was in unhappy marriage from her posts so I sympathise with wanting to sort the core problem. That doesn't detract from what I said above that the cheater is ultimately responsible the affair, simply that I think state of relationship cannot be down to one person only.