Affair. Learn from my mistake

[Skallywag1985]

This serves as a warning. I was u happy in my marriage and rather than invest in my partner, I took the cowards option and invested time in another. The flattery made me feel good, it was an escape from reality, and my confidence soared. In hindsight it was the single most selfish thing I have done in my life, and I hurt a kind, beautiful man in doing it. I was an idiot.

In end, I told my husband. It is a hard and long road to recover. We love each other and want to make it work, but there is no escaping the fact that I did something massive to hurt him. I choose to spend time with another and risked my family. It's mind-blowing how stupid I was. It's so very hard to explain.

So, don't be me. Be better than me. If you love your partner, don't risk everything for a bit of cheap fun. It's not smart and once the thrill of the 'newness' fades, you will realise how insignificant and worthless it was. My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this. I am trying so hard to be the wife he deserves.

I agree that all the posters saying 'I'd never do it' are laughable. Everybody knows you can be morally righteous until you aren't....until you realise you are just as fucked up as the rest of the human race. Humans are imperfect and everyone has the ability to cheat. I hope you sort it all out OP. Best of luck for the future.

No, I asked for a transfer so we no longer work together. We live in different suburbs, kids go to different schools. So whilst there is of course possibility of bumping into each other in the city, it is low probability. Hasn't in past 18months anyway.

Other than completely pack up and move family- this was best compromise to minimise contact.

Thank you

That's not true.
Some people have values and a conscience, they also have a penchant for avoiding situations or are aware of inappropriate signals.

@Harrypewter wrong! All the time you see the world as black and white you are keeping your mind small and the rest of humanity in a box. EVERYONE has the ability to make mistakes. The only reason you feel like that is because you haven't made that mistake.

@Harrypewter so you believe you never make any mistakes in life. Ever. Because what you are saying would have to apply to all aspects not just affairs. It would make no sense to say 'oh I am flawed and make plenty of mistakes in life just not relating to affairs ' because if you are indeed if such high values and ethics then you would have to be across the board. Which would make you Christ. Oh no not Christ. He made mistakes. So you would have to be better than Christ. Oh. Ok. Yeah.

Good luck OP. I was cheated on and the pain was immense and I refused to have him back, but I am so much happier and in a strange way I am glad it happened. Forgive yourself.

Yes, the man was married, 2 children. His wife knows. He is separated now, although I do not have the details surrounding why they split (ie I don't know if him cheating with me was part of this or not).

Do you? Really? You honestly believe most people never cheat? Wow.

You seem to confused the fact that you don't have STD with the act of putting your husband at risk of catching STD from you. You seem to think that because you didn't get STD, then it makes it all right because your husband didn't catch anything. But you put him at risk.

Not sure anyone likes double dipping.

I think your main issue is forgiving yourself. It may be helpful to explore other religions and cultures when it comes to sin and forgiveness. It would be helpful for you to talk to a Catholic priest about how the Church looks at forgiveness in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. You don't have to be a Catholic to gain the benefits of a discussion on this point. The Jewish point of view would also be a good one. Also the Buddhist.

What you did to your husband and you helped this man do to his wife was unconscionable. You stole their right to informed sexual consent and took their personal agency from them.

FWIW I entirely believe that couples can reconcile and I can understand where you are at according to your timeline, you’re still very regretful. But I am concerned reading your post that you’re trotting out that the affair was 100% on me because it’s always preceded or followed with the enormous ‘BUT’ about the apparent state of your marriage.

I know couples who have reconciled successfully and there is no BUT. The work has been put into why the cheat chose that way of dealing with their apparent unhappiness, they all agree it was driven by selfishness and entitlement, in many ways narcissistic thinking.

If there is always a caveat to why you behaved the way you did (and you’re always discussing that) how on earth can your husband ever feel safe again. He’ll be dancing through hoops to ensure he ‘meets your needs’ to prevent you doing this again, that is no way to live. And he may well give up in the long term, as he will not feel safe. Marriage counsellors often fail couples in the long term with this and you need to be careful of you truly love him.

IME trust can be rebuilt but only if you feel safe and that’s what your husband needs to feel.

I believe you’re looking for support and if I were you I’d go to surviving infidelity and their wayward forum as you can read the stories and seek advice from people who have really worked to be a safe partner.

This is just my view and take it or leave it, but good luck regardless.

It's an interesting was to look at it.

Both individual and couples therapy has gone down route of

• person who chose affair did so of their own choice. There is no blame other than themselves. You need to take responsibility for that and accept it was your doing. But (and I am deliberately putting the but here as it has been a focus of both therapies)
• individually and as a couple you need to look at what was wrong in the relationship that led you to that point. And this you need to work on together

So I agree, the act of cheating was mine and mine alone. And I certainly regret that decision.

But going forward, we are both committed to rectifying the underlying issues in our marriage. And thats not on me, but on us to do the work.

I don't know how it would be possible to move forward by just getting stuck on the first point. 18months in, would say we are much more focused on the second point now

No, I understand. That's why I said I am thankful it didn't have repercussions. It could have been a lot worse.

But on this point I don't know what else to say. I made the wrong choice. I then did what I could to ensure he was safe- using protection, getting checked and telling him after.

Either I say it was too big a thing, and we cut ties now. Or we try to move past it. We are doing the later, but doesn't mean I don't regret what I did. Am definitely not saying it is right, but this part I can't change- any more than I can change the emotional side.

It's a work in progress for sure. Am better than I was 18months ago, but is a hard process when you truely regret and are ashamed.

Thanks for your support

I mean this gently, I just think you need to be aware that at some point your husband might pull away from doing the ‘pick me dance’ of ‘fixing your needs’. 18 months is no time in and he is still most likely trying to navigate his own feelings.

The route you're going down is very much Esther Peral style thinking and that can come unstuck for many many betrayed after a period of time. Affair recovery is complex and I can understand where you are coming from entirely but I think it’s important to bare in mind that this ‘needs met’, narrative around affairs can become problematic.

I genuinely would advise you to get onto surviving infidelity and their wayward forum. I’m not someone who has cheated, but I am someone who has been cheated on and am totally aware this is my irritation with that view. But their forum is really good and may give you an opportunity just to think things from a different perspective, which I think is always wise.

Do you mind me asking- did things work out with you and your partner?

I am open to other views, will have look at the forum you suggested. I would hope my husbad does not think he is playing the 'pick me' dance - at least in my eyes that's never been what it is. However, will do a check in with him on that as I haven't viewed it in that light before.

No, I don't make major mistakes in my life, no. Mistakes can be classified into major and minor. Affairs certainly have major repercussions inside the family unit-relationship and wider society.
I don't murder.
I don't steal.
I don't commit acts of fraud.
I won't lie.
I don't have affairs or sex with other women when in a relationship, even with presented opportunities, they're headed off at the pass, resited, and ultimately rejected outright. Whilst in this current relationship (Which is ending-she's also had a fling at the finale), I could've had 4 or 5 flings, affairs, etc. I just say no.
Integrity and conscience are always intact.
I think the problem is, people aren't initially aware of the mechanisms of affairs. Then before they know it they're in too deep. And for some like my current ex, is a way to communicate. Because she did the same to another long-term partner. She also attempted a reconciliation, she's following the same pattern with me. On my part, there'll be no reconciliation. I'm not angry, she's been forgiven, but I won't entertain a 2nd chance.
Society tells people especially the betrayed that they're somehow at fault, I think this is incorrect, it's a purely selfish deliberate act by the perpetrator. I think sharing that burden by blaming the other party-spouse-partner is another selfish gratifying act.

Ultimately affairs are an attack on trust, once it's happened the trust can be repaired, however, it's a fracture and will always be a weak point. I take my hat off to those who can attempt to make things right.

It shouldn’t be a “but”
it should be an “also”

The guy has decided to stay and once you do that you also have a responsibility to not use the affair as a stick to beat your partner with

We see if on here all the time where the trust is eroded and the poor woman turns into a paranoid wreck through no fault of her own I might add

Sometimes people cheat and it doesn’t mean they love or care for their partner any less………

@Skallywag1985 feeling regret must be bad enough but if you're still feeling ashamed, well, that is concerning isn't it? I don't mean to suggest it's unusual, I am sure it is very usual to feel ashamed when one has betrayed another in the way you have. What I mean is, do you think that feeling of shame will ever leave you completely? That is a hard burden to carry around. One of your own making. Is there any psychological work you could do to try to learn to live with shame?

Actually it does mean that they care for their partner less. Love should mean never knowingly causing harm to the beloved. In daily life, a lot of care goes into trying to ensure this is so. I always think it is useful to use the analogy of a parent's care and love for a child. A loving parent would not knowingly do anything to cause a child avoidable distress. Why, then, does a cheating partner? It must mean that they care less.

@Quitelikeit

Sometimes people cheat and it doesn’t mean they love or care for their partner any less………

Of course it means they care for them less. They aren't taking enough care to stop themselves doing something they know would cause their partner huge emotional distress.

And it absolutely means they respect them less, by taking away their informed consent to be in a monogamous relationship and instead making them in a relationship with increased risk of STDs without their knowledge.

It's ludicrous to say that those decisions don't indicate at least 'less' love, care or respect for partners than this who don't choose to cheat.

I echo @letthatmango and would strongly suspect that the husband may slowly be regaining his strength, to the point that he will start to realise that perhaps there are better options for him, that he is too good a person to settle for being cheated on. As much as the husband appears to be working towards saving the marriage - and I do not mean he is pretending at it, he will be genuinely working at it, I am sure - time has a funny effect. It will heal his wounds and he might start to see the OP in a less favourable light. He might start to care less about wondering where you are @Skallywag1985 or what you are getting up to, or he might have given up on checking your phone messages, or similar. When he starts to appear less concerned, I think that is the time you might need to worry.
Goodness, it's like a ticking timebomb for you, or it can be, at least.

He might start to see the OP in a less favorable light. He might start to care less about wondering where you are.
Or what you are getting up to, or he might have given up on checking your phone messages, or similar. When he starts to appear less concerned, I think that is the time you might need to worry.

Having just been thru this, this is so important and sheds light on where I am in my head. Once the breakup was agreed upon, the acceptance came after a few weeks, only for a revelation of a final fling to completely shut me off from ever reconciling.
Interestingly enough, when questioned about the dalliance she said, it was just something for herself, can I not have something for myself?
Now she backtracking.
But emotionally I'm gone, physically I'll never touch her again, despite her asking for sex this week.
I've got 10 days and then it's delete and block.