Page 2 | Affair. Learn from my mistake

MoonLightSky · 27/03/2023 19:55

Humans make mistakes, sometimes at the detriment of others. I know a lady who had an affair and she is a lovely person, she is still with him, her ex-husband is also in a relationship. Sometimes two people collide and feelings take over, it is as simple as that.

baileys6904 · 27/03/2023 20:09

If a marriage or partnership is unhappy, split up. There's no need to jump from one penis to another.

Of course feelings change, but jeez!

Findingmypurposeinlife · 27/03/2023 20:29

Oopsiedaisyy · 27/03/2023 16:19

I'm sorry but please.... What even is this? The 21st century of wearing a hair shirt and flogging yourself down the street as some personal penace?

You had an affair and you didn't find what you were looking for and judge it a mistake. Fine. But please don't act like some lesson as to why affairs always led to pain and terrible outcomes. Because frankly, they don't because sometimes while leaving a relationship or reconnecting with a spouse might be easier without one, sometimes its just the way life goes. Nor do they always lead to regret or guilt.

I know of many people who had affairs and whose lives are immeasurably better for having doing so and leaving relationships that had run their course.

It's great that you know of many people who have had affairs and have immeasurably better lives but in general, its usually better to either try to fix something that's not right or just leave and then get hooked up in another relationship.

Bringing a third party into a relationship brings its own risks and while the person conducting the affair might not give a damn, its unfair to subject a partner to those risks.
We all get that some relationships just don't work out, no matter how much you invest in them.

But, still always better to just try to work on it or walk away first, then move on with your life and do whatever you like! It's the decent thing to do.

Being intentionally deceitful (in general) will usually have a way of coming back to bite you in the backside at some point.

Mummysgogetter · 27/03/2023 21:52

Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 13:56

This serves as a warning. I was u happy in my marriage and rather than invest in my partner, I took the cowards option and invested time in another. The flattery made me feel good, it was an escape from reality, and my confidence soared. In hindsight it was the single most selfish thing I have done in my life, and I hurt a kind, beautiful man in doing it. I was an idiot.

In end, I told my husband. It is a hard and long road to recover. We love each other and want to make it work, but there is no escaping the fact that I did something massive to hurt him. I choose to spend time with another and risked my family. It's mind-blowing how stupid I was. It's so very hard to explain.

So, don't be me. Be better than me. If you love your partner, don't risk everything for a bit of cheap fun. It's not smart and once the thrill of the 'newness' fades, you will realise how insignificant and worthless it was. My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this. I am trying so hard to be the wife he deserves.

Hi @Skallywag1985

can I ask, how did it start? Was it just a flirtation that got out of hand?

Original poster

Skallywag1985 · 28/03/2023 08:00

@Mummysgogetter

Very cliche. We worked together, travelled together. So a lot of evening meals with no kids/home distractions. Beginning all talk was of work and then it moved into a friendship. We confided in problems we each were having at home. I don't really remember there being a point when I thought, crap I have feelings. But I do remeber starting to enjoy spending time together, having more fun than before etc. Messages never crossed line (I didn't delete and would have shown husband) but we were sending each other more non-work material, banter etc. Theb one night he went to kiss me. Was a flipping shock and vowed never again. I thought this was my wake up call. But it wasn't, as it did happen at later date and we slept together.

OP posts:

MoonLightSky · 28/03/2023 09:10

baileys6904 · 27/03/2023 20:09

If a marriage or partnership is unhappy, split up. There's no need to jump from one penis to another.

Of course feelings change, but jeez!

The lady I know, I don’t see as much of her now but she explained that she wasn’t actually unhappy in her marriage, it wasn’t even about sex either, it was a realisation that they no longer loved their husband/wife anymore and their marriages were dead. I’m not saying affairs are right and I agree with you but every situation is different and humans are imperfect.

MissTrip82 · 28/03/2023 09:38

Midge75 · 27/03/2023 16:31

I believe everyone has the potential to cheat. I have never cheated, have no intention of cheating and can't imagine ever cheating - but I would never dismiss my potential - complacency is dangerous - being aware that anyone can cheat might make you more alert to inappropriate situations etc. I didn't always feel this way - I would have been firmly in the "how could anyone? I would never" camp. I have seen good, honest people make horrible, horrible decisions. Some of these people were, in the past, utterly condemning of anyone who cheated. And yet, they found themselves uttering the words they had always scoffed at "it just happened". And they didn't mean it in a dismissive, fault-avoiding way - they were acknowledging that all the red flags were 'missed' and subconsciously ignored, until they found themselves making the awful, selfish decisions that ultimately hurt those they had loved the most. Devastating. There are serial cheats, but there are also lots of people like the OP, who do something they don't recognise in themselves and genuinely regret it and want to identify what caused it and change. I hope it works out, OP.

Completely agree, I find people who think it could never be them very foolish. If you think you’re immune you have no reason to ever modify your behaviour at any one of the thousand little steps before you have an affair.

Have also never met anyone who describes themselves as having a ‘strong moral compass’ who had in fact lived an ethical life. The easiest person to fool is yourself.

BreviloquentBastard · 28/03/2023 09:43

Skallywag1985 · 27/03/2023 15:09

Told him 18months ago so if I was using the post as a prop for my benefit, I would have done a while back I think.

And while I agree in principle with what you are saying, I didn't read mumsnet prior to this, so maybe if I had it would have made me reconsider. Or maybe when I was making the biggest mistake of my life I would have posted about it, got some horrid home truths and fixed things sooner. Who knows?!

Show quote history

Most people don't need to be told by other people not to cheat on their partners to know it's wrong.

Requiring other people to steer your moral compass for you is probably something you should discuss with a therapist. Saying "I wouldn't have done it if I'd had someone to tell me not to!" does not paint you in a glowing light as a human being.

FiveShelties · 28/03/2023 09:47

I don't need a warning either, my relationship with my husband is far too important to risk for a quick affair and the risk of an STD.

Your husband is far more forgiving than I would be, once a cheater always a cheater. He will always be wondering what you are up to and with whom.

baileys6904 · 28/03/2023 10:09

I'm neither foolish or naive when I say that I will not be having an affair and I don't just put it down to 'imperfections'.

My mum had an affair, I found her with another man, and it literally scarred my father, my brother and myself. I would never put another human being through that, let alone someone I'm meant to care about

MoonLightSky · 28/03/2023 10:19

baileys6904 · 28/03/2023 10:09

I'm neither foolish or naive when I say that I will not be having an affair and I don't just put it down to 'imperfections'.

My mum had an affair, I found her with another man, and it literally scarred my father, my brother and myself. I would never put another human being through that, let alone someone I'm meant to care about

I said humans were imperfect and make mistakes, to think they don’t is naive.

baileys6904 · 28/03/2023 11:08

@MoonLightSky you didn't say naive at all, I did.

I wasn't aiming my post at you, it was more the person that suggested anyone that said they'd never have an affair, foolish

Namechange111123 · 28/03/2023 11:17

I was always someone who said I would never ever cheat, I judged those that did, saw myself as a better person because I believe that

until I found myself in that position,
a few years ago I was in a really bad place (not justifying but it matters) and I slept with someone else. I came clean to my husband. Went through a messy separation. (I’m not going to much into it)
less than a year later we were back together.
then a year ago I found myself once again in a worse place than before and this time on the cusp of an emotional affair online. No cheating but lots of deep life talk. As soon as I saw it I stuck myself in private therapy. I was so ashamed of how I was heading here again, I didn’t even recognise myself, I hated myself.
I thought there was something wrong with me. Honestly I tried to diagnose myself with every mental health condition going. For so many years I had felt so lost and broken, told I was lucky to have what I had, no one else would put up with me and all my lows I was convinced I was this difficult selfish person.
It wasn’t long before things quickly became apparent that I was in an emotionally abusive and extremely sexually coercive marriage. (All which had actually been so much worse this time after what I did as he would use that and I would allow it because of guilt)
after 6 months of working with WA and working through everything I started recognising that whilst yes my actions were morally wrong, never justified, they were all part of what had been going on for years and years. I take responsibility for my actions but I now know what led me to them. It was my escape without even realising it. I will forever hate what I did and who I became but I know at my core I am a good person, with good morals. Once a cheat always a cheat is utter bull. Life is just not that simple (yes maybe for some but not all) I was lost, I was broken and I was quite literally grasping at anything .. any form or tiny moment of ‘happiness’ at the time than face the utterly misery and mess of my life or that I wasnt getting the ‘perfect family’
I am now separated, still in therapy (it’s going to be a long process) but I have learned and am still learning a lot.
I recognise healthy vs toxic/abusive relationships, boundaries and red flags, recognising my own thoughts and feelings once again after being told I was wrong for years every-time I shared them … but most of all I have learned to never ever judge anyone else. Life is not black and white and it is incredibly naive to think it is. It’s also incredibly naive to think it will never be you.

I always use to say I would never ever take abuse from anymore and would be strong enough to leave …. Guess that wasn’t me either!

Lapincalin · 28/03/2023 11:27

OP: 'My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this.'

@butterfliedtwo : 'Doesn't mean he trusts you, or anyone now, deep down. You've likely taken that away from him. Hope it was worth it.'

Trust is overrated, imo. Should you really trust anyone unconditionally? Bit unrealistic.

FiveShelties · 28/03/2023 11:31

Lapincalin · 28/03/2023 11:27

OP: 'My husband is a better person than me, he has shown such humility and strength of character through this.'

@butterfliedtwo : 'Doesn't mean he trusts you, or anyone now, deep down. You've likely taken that away from him. Hope it was worth it.'

Trust is overrated, imo. Should you really trust anyone unconditionally? Bit unrealistic.

Is it?

Life without trust would be pretty grim to me.

Lapincalin · 28/03/2023 11:34

@FiveShelties You can only be pleasantly surprised.

MoonLightSky · 28/03/2023 13:29

baileys6904 · 28/03/2023 11:08

@MoonLightSky you didn't say naive at all, I did.

I wasn't aiming my post at you, it was more the person that suggested anyone that said they'd never have an affair, foolish

I was saying it’s naive to think no one makes mistakes because humans are imperfect most of the time.

Original poster

Skallywag1985 · 28/03/2023 16:03

In response to some of the Qs

I would have said I would never have looked elsewhere. I wasn't the 'type'. But life isn't black and white. I was in wrong but I never ever thought I would even get into that situation in first place

On trust. It's better than it was before. I am less tolerant of my unhappiness, and my husbad is also. We need to trust that we both want this, we are choosing to stay and work at our faults. If we end up unhappy, we walk. A few years ago, walking wouldn't have been a consideration. I thought you had to stay, even if miserable. We have both said we don't want that. It's a mindshift change. And that helps with the trust piece

OP posts:

Original poster

Skallywag1985 · 28/03/2023 16:12

Namechange111123 · 28/03/2023 11:17

I was always someone who said I would never ever cheat, I judged those that did, saw myself as a better person because I believe that

until I found myself in that position,
a few years ago I was in a really bad place (not justifying but it matters) and I slept with someone else. I came clean to my husband. Went through a messy separation. (I’m not going to much into it)
less than a year later we were back together.
then a year ago I found myself once again in a worse place than before and this time on the cusp of an emotional affair online. No cheating but lots of deep life talk. As soon as I saw it I stuck myself in private therapy. I was so ashamed of how I was heading here again, I didn’t even recognise myself, I hated myself.
I thought there was something wrong with me. Honestly I tried to diagnose myself with every mental health condition going. For so many years I had felt so lost and broken, told I was lucky to have what I had, no one else would put up with me and all my lows I was convinced I was this difficult selfish person.
It wasn’t long before things quickly became apparent that I was in an emotionally abusive and extremely sexually coercive marriage. (All which had actually been so much worse this time after what I did as he would use that and I would allow it because of guilt)
after 6 months of working with WA and working through everything I started recognising that whilst yes my actions were morally wrong, never justified, they were all part of what had been going on for years and years. I take responsibility for my actions but I now know what led me to them. It was my escape without even realising it. I will forever hate what I did and who I became but I know at my core I am a good person, with good morals. Once a cheat always a cheat is utter bull. Life is just not that simple (yes maybe for some but not all) I was lost, I was broken and I was quite literally grasping at anything .. any form or tiny moment of ‘happiness’ at the time than face the utterly misery and mess of my life or that I wasnt getting the ‘perfect family’
I am now separated, still in therapy (it’s going to be a long process) but I have learned and am still learning a lot.
I recognise healthy vs toxic/abusive relationships, boundaries and red flags, recognising my own thoughts and feelings once again after being told I was wrong for years every-time I shared them … but most of all I have learned to never ever judge anyone else. Life is not black and white and it is incredibly naive to think it is. It’s also incredibly naive to think it will never be you.

I always use to say I would never ever take abuse from anymore and would be strong enough to leave …. Guess that wasn’t me either!

I hope you find happiness. Was a hard read, sounds like you have been through a lot.

I have found therapy so helpful. I hope it is working for you and you continue to get better, and fingers crossed to meeting a new partner.

Ignore the one a cheat, always a cheat mantra. While it may be true for some, it certainly isn't true for all.

OP posts:

butterfliedtwo · 28/03/2023 16:23

No, no one should trust another person unconditionally. But if someone cheated on me, I wouldn't trust them at all, ever again. Sounds like OP's husband is a better person than me. Good luck to him.

SquishyGloopyBum · 28/03/2023 18:19

MN is very black and white on this, whereas actually it's never quite that simple.

That's not to diminish the hurt and betrayal. But there is usually a reason for an affair, on both sides.

Original poster

Skallywag1985 · 28/03/2023 20:37

SquishyGloopyBum · 28/03/2023 18:19

MN is very black and white on this, whereas actually it's never quite that simple.

That's not to diminish the hurt and betrayal. But there is usually a reason for an affair, on both sides.

There was definitely a reason for how unhappy we were, and that's on both me and my husband,

The affair, it was my choice. And I have to accept sole responsibility for that part. However, the lead up to it and the state the relationship was in, that was both of us.

OP posts:

TrishM80 · 29/03/2023 00:47

Did you inform your husband if you used a condom or not with this other man, as if not, he would need to get an STI check?

MistySkiesAreGone · 29/03/2023 04:56

I'm the child of a parent who had an affair and I can see now my DM has essentially punished herself her whole life for it. Potentially at the detriment of seeing that actually she was in quite a hard situation and DF was not perfect. Not to justify it, it is never the solution.

She idolises him now (and they have been divorced 25 years!). He has never forgiven it, understandably, and to him it was deeply hurtful.

No one is ever going to empathise with the person who had the affair so you need to do that for yourself - be kind to yourself, sure there were dumb reasons and it was a dumb choice, but there was also a heady dangerous intoxicating drama to it. Give yourself grace.

horizonsblue · 29/03/2023 05:35

If you slept with your affair partner just once , then realized that you had extremely poor judgement, and never saw him again,then I can in a way understand your remorse.

But if you continued the affair...then I don't because you are lecturing to us now because the affair did not lead to what you wanted, and your husband is your plan B to fall back on. You go on about how unhappy you both were in the marriage. That is still not an excuse to go and have an affair, especially as you describe your husband as a decent man.