Partner tight with money

[Zelda7]

Hi all,
I'm just hoping for opinions from others. It’s my first time posting on here.
my partner has 2 children from previous relationships. I love him & them to bits!!
Last week my best friend’s ( we have been bf’s since nursery, we are now 45!) daughter had a baby. I actually cut the cord of my best friend’s daughter when she was born. I hope this gives you an insight as to how close we are. Their family in my eyes.
My boyfriend rung last week to say he’s selling his sons mama’s & papa’s cot would my best friend be interested in it for her granddaughter?My reply was, that she’s like family, I could never take money off her for the cot & besides I’m yet to buy her granddaughter a present.
I said i can’t afford it atm. Well I’m totally shocked that he didn’t say, it’s fine babe just offer her the cot, as he knows my financial situation at present. If he was struggling with money, i would totally understand, however he isn’t.
I know he’s tight however I really didn’t think he would be when it came to helping me out. I always pay my way with him, I gave £20 for his Mother’s Day card that I have yet to have back. He only wanted £40-50 for the cot.
I just feel so so hurt by him & the fact that he wasn’t prepared to help me out. He even thinks I asked my mother to lend me money to get the cot & he was totally fine with that.
I mean there’s tight & then there’s this! 🤦‍♀️ It’s a new relationship, 6 mnths & he’s perfect in every other way. I mean he doesn’t buy me anything but I’m fine with that as I have always looked after myself, my daughter & grandson financially.
please can I have your opinions? I must add that he hasn’t debts, he has a well paid job & he doesn’t gamble ect.
Hope to have some opinions sooon!
love Z7

You haven't really explained how you are so sure he is financially stable. He is a father of two and likely pays child maintenance for those two children. I'm guessing on top of that he also has to pay his own private rent. There is also a cost of living crisis.

But it's not his cot, it belongs to his son

6 months....

@Zelda7 are you doing several people asking ‘do you have something to ask me?’ Or am I just the lucky one?

If I wanted to ask you something, I would ask here.

The problem as I see is that you are just not compatible money-wise.

He knows you are skint but has not paid you back £20 for his mother's card.

He takes advantage of your generosity and does not return that generosity.

You have very very different attitudes to money, this is the most common reason for relationship stress and break up.

You seem to be thinking that if only you show sufficient generosity, he will start to be more generous. I guarantee that he won't.

This is what he will do.

He will continue to take advantage of your generosity because why wouldn't he and he will not return your generosity because why would he.

Think very very carefully about whether you can live the rest of your life with someone like that. Whatever you do, do not rely on him changing.

I think you sound like a really lovely person and friend.

I can absolutely imagine wanting to help out.

But OP, he IS mean.

He allows you to pay for more #mean.
He borrowed without repaying #tight.

You have a generous nature and he's more than happy to exploit it.

Can you sit with this reality and tot up on paper approximately how much more you reckon you have spent over the past 12 months?

You might be VERY surprised at what it tots up to be.

You are 12 months into a relationship with a man who is mean, doesn't pay his way, and lets you spend on him.

Is this really what you want?

Do you really feel that all you deserve is a man who rips you off?

You know he's tight.

You wrote it in your OP.

Why are you with him?

Meanness is more than a trait, it goes to the core of someone's character.

It influences everything they do as they are always trying to come out ahead.

He knows well that he is letting you pay for more stuff and his food, and he loves that you are paying, 'cos that means he's winning and ahead.

The www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be a great investment of your time.

It would help strengthen you boundaries and assertiveness and it would help you see that you deserve better than him.

He's really nice as he rips you off, of course he is.

You wouldn't be paying for stuff if he was awful would you?

Please stop ignoring this huge ugly part of him.
There is no cure for it.

You deserve better than him.

Jesus wept people encouraging her split up with him without knowing this guy's true disposable financial status what with two children from a previous relationship to support all over her demanding to give away his cot and £20.....

@RocketIceLollie

That's your take. My take is that I would never want to be with someone who shows meanness. It is never only about meanness with finance

Isn't it interesting how we all have different views.

He does sound a bit tight but really I have not met a man who would give away an item he sees as worth significant money, to a friend of his partner, even a long-term friend. I understand that, for you, this woman is like a sister. But to him, she's just a woman who lives in the area. He has no loyalty to her. You may see giving you the cot as helping you out (since you see your friend as sister-like) but to him, you may simply have poor boundaries and be making yourself skint by unnecessarily giving away your money and things to other people. He's not obligated to see everything the same way you do. It does sound as if you and your friend might be quite enmeshed with each other's problems. And that might make sense for you, if you have always helped each other out as single mums. But it does not follow that your partner has to feel the same way about it as you do.

You should also bear in mind that, just as you feel a responsibility for your longtime friend, to help her out by using your own funds, your partner probably feels the same way about his son. Giving you 20 pounds worth of cot is taking that money away from what he has available to help out his son. And in a competition between the welfare of his son vs your friend, or even his son vs you, it may be that his son will win. And actually that's how it should be.

Mamas and Papas cots are not cheap tbh I kept mine for years but I couldn't bear to part with it. £50 is next to nothing for a cot

You don't really know him that well OP it's been 6 months.

There is a good chance the guy is positively skint supporting his two children though. But I suppose once we find out a guy has no money then we look for better avenues. For better and worse and all that....

@Tomkirkman what are you on about??? I’m totally lost!

So you didn’t send me this?

Some people are tight Op. They save and save and save and then die with a shit load of money in their savings. Bonkers.

Hope the thread was helpful, op. You sound a lovely person. It's good to be a bit cautious of people taking advantage, just in case.
Did you ask for your £20 back yet?

Sorry, he decided to sell the cot. I would not be happy if I decided to sell something and a 6 months bf woud make me feel guilty about it. You keep saying helping someone out but is not his responsability to help out your friend. As much as she is your friend, she is not his. The 20 pounds aside (ask for them back) you have no right to ask for the cot. He is selling it not donate it. With these money he might buy something else for his children.

Couldn’t he pay for the Mother’s Day card on his bank card? Why give him £20 surely a card is £1-2 and were you with him when he got it where’s the change ?
regarding the cot it’s his item to do what he wants as a seller it’s unbelievable how many people on eBay fb marketplace want stuff for nothing , he’s well within his rights to sell it , I wouldn’t give it away either as why should he ? Whether it’s your best friend or not everyone is entitled to sell a item if they want to without feeling bad because others can’t afford it

I absolutely hate people who are tight with money and it's a big turn off.

However, I'm a bit confused on this one.

You have a relatively new boyfriend who is selling something (obviously for the money). Why should he give it to a friend of yours?

Flip it the other way round and see how it sounds and it sounds nasty and controlling:

"I'm a single mum of two kids. I want to sell my son's cot. My new partner is getting angry with me because I won't just give it to his friend. He says I'm mean"!

Eh?
You've missed my point completely.
He is selling the cot for his son.
So either buy it, so he can give the money to his son, or get a cot somewhere else.
He is not actually in a position to give it to you for free even if he wanted to.
I'm kinda struggling with some of your responses, you don't seem to get it.
If someone is selling something and you ask for it for free and they say no, it's not because they are tight, it's because they are selling it!

She might be family to you but not him
You are grabby, the fact that you are passing the cot on is irrelevant. You being generous with someone else’s money/stuff