Partner tight with money

[Zelda7]

Hi all,
I'm just hoping for opinions from others. It’s my first time posting on here.
my partner has 2 children from previous relationships. I love him & them to bits!!
Last week my best friend’s ( we have been bf’s since nursery, we are now 45!) daughter had a baby. I actually cut the cord of my best friend’s daughter when she was born. I hope this gives you an insight as to how close we are. Their family in my eyes.
My boyfriend rung last week to say he’s selling his sons mama’s & papa’s cot would my best friend be interested in it for her granddaughter?My reply was, that she’s like family, I could never take money off her for the cot & besides I’m yet to buy her granddaughter a present.
I said i can’t afford it atm. Well I’m totally shocked that he didn’t say, it’s fine babe just offer her the cot, as he knows my financial situation at present. If he was struggling with money, i would totally understand, however he isn’t.
I know he’s tight however I really didn’t think he would be when it came to helping me out. I always pay my way with him, I gave £20 for his Mother’s Day card that I have yet to have back. He only wanted £40-50 for the cot.
I just feel so so hurt by him & the fact that he wasn’t prepared to help me out. He even thinks I asked my mother to lend me money to get the cot & he was totally fine with that.
I mean there’s tight & then there’s this! 🤦‍♀️ It’s a new relationship, 6 mnths & he’s perfect in every other way. I mean he doesn’t buy me anything but I’m fine with that as I have always looked after myself, my daughter & grandson financially.
please can I have your opinions? I must add that he hasn’t debts, he has a well paid job & he doesn’t gamble ect.
Hope to have some opinions sooon!
love Z7

Ok, I didn’t know we were in a throuple for you to tell me about my relationship 🤣

To avoid the cash point

How much was the Mother’s Day card?

I haven’t a clue, he got that a few days prior, I just lent the cash to go inside

Eh? Why would he need to use a cash point? Contact less card? Chip and pin?

Wow, who mentioned demanding????? Get a grip of yourself!!!

Are you on a wind up? Because let me remind you that you started this thread.

Ask him for the £20 back if you're that skint.

He probably didn't even think that you'd think he should just give you the cot. It wouldn't have occurred to me and I'm not tight, I just wouldn't have thought you'd think that.

She might not want a second hand cot anyway.

He had his bank card and the MD card. The £20 cash was to go inside it, which he would have had to to the cashpoint for so OP gave it to him to save him the trip because he was in a rush.

That’s a very fair point 😊

Yeeesss

Ohhhhh

This is really confusing.

You say you are generous and would give people anything you could. It actually appears you have poor boundaries (acres to ask for money loaned back) and do so much to avoid feeling bad that you haven’t done something for someone. I used to be like that. Possibly, you feel the need to appear as ‘generous’ and do so even to your own detriment.

Secondly, it’s odd that you want to give your friends, daughter a gift of a cot. But don’t think you should pay for the gift. If you can’t afford a gift of that amount, you don’t buy it. You don’t expect a short term boyfriend, to fund it for you. Again, a poor boundary that you want to buy a ‘big gift’ but your finances don’t allow, so instead of buying something that does fit your finances you want it for free. If you and your friend are so close, she must know you can’t afford £40-£50 for a gift.

It wouldn’t be a gift from you. It would be a gift from him. Again, you seem desperate to appear as generous. But it’s wouldn’t be you who was being generous.

Well, maybe he's tight, but maybe he's also wary about your lack of money management skills? You should definitely ask him for the 20 back, but TBH I would be alarmed if I was dating someone who couldn't budget for an expense of that size that you knew was coming up for 9 months. I wouldn't be bailing out someone who sails so close to the wind that they don't have any savings at all. If that's your financial situation then you need to spend less on presents.

Totally agree & I had obviously asked the mother. Their struggling so everything is second hand or given

Oooooh that’s quite bitchy considering you know nothing about me!! I don’t understand some of you on here at all. 9 mnths ago i didn’t know he would be selling a cot & if you read my post correctly…… you would see it’s not just myself I support!

I completely agree with this. I work for what I have but I really enjoy sharing too. Asking family/close friends to pay me for a cot when I don't need the money is totally alien to me. I was raised to share, give and be hospitable (obviously within boundaries) but if there's an opportunity to help someone out, then take it.

Tightness is a really unattractive quality and if generosity is an important value for you, then if you want the relationship to go further then you need to talk to him to see if your values align.

I have a friend who married a man who is really tight. She overlooked it and now they've got loads of savings but are living in a freezing, damp house because he'd rather stash money than turn the heating on. They have a good joint income and have constant stand offs about money. She wants to give £20 to charity - no. She wants to go out to eat - no. And so on.

It's really important to make sure your values are matched.

you can get cots cheaper for a start op

buy her something you can afford and remember this attitude of his, once you ahve your £20 back.

Ask the mother is she wants the cot for £30 then, then if she does offer him £30 saying that he has done well because it includes the £20 he didn’t pay you bk. so brings it up to £50.

So many incredibly tight people on Mumsnet are showing up on this thread. 😂😂😂

Agree with some of what you’re saying. However if you can help someone, why not?
We have been official 6 mnths, dating 12.
I just think he could have helped me out, I would have given him the money back on pay day.

1 - From what you’ve posted you weren’t expecting cot for free. You just wanted partner to maybe let you pay later. That’s not being a CF (cheeky fucker) in my opinion.

2 - Given you gave him £20 for his mum I think he’s being a bit of a dick not to at least say “just give me another £20”. Remind him of that asap!!

3- please could you hit “reply” to comments you’re responding to, as the thread is hard to follow otherwise. Thanks.

(dunno why I did this with numbers. Very hungover, sorry!)

there is tight and there is careful

To be fair that isn't really his fault.