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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner tight with money

171 replies

Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 06:10

Hi all,
I'm just hoping for opinions from others. It’s my first time posting on here.
my partner has 2 children from previous relationships. I love him & them to bits!!
Last week my best friend’s ( we have been bf’s since nursery, we are now 45!) daughter had a baby. I actually cut the cord of my best friend’s daughter when she was born. I hope this gives you an insight as to how close we are. Their family in my eyes.
My boyfriend rung last week to say he’s selling his sons mama’s & papa’s cot would my best friend be interested in it for her granddaughter?My reply was, that she’s like family, I could never take money off her for the cot & besides I’m yet to buy her granddaughter a present.
I said i can’t afford it atm. Well I’m totally shocked that he didn’t say, it’s fine babe just offer her the cot, as he knows my financial situation at present. If he was struggling with money, i would totally understand, however he isn’t.
I know he’s tight however I really didn’t think he would be when it came to helping me out. I always pay my way with him, I gave £20 for his Mother’s Day card that I have yet to have back. He only wanted £40-50 for the cot.
I just feel so so hurt by him & the fact that he wasn’t prepared to help me out. He even thinks I asked my mother to lend me money to get the cot & he was totally fine with that.
I mean there’s tight & then there’s this! 🤦‍♀️ It’s a new relationship, 6 mnths & he’s perfect in every other way. I mean he doesn’t buy me anything but I’m fine with that as I have always looked after myself, my daughter & grandson financially.
please can I have your opinions? I must add that he hasn’t debts, he has a well paid job & he doesn’t gamble ect.
Hope to have some opinions sooon!
love Z7

OP posts:
Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 06:46

To be honest that’s the way I have always been. Thank you, your comment is really helpful! 😊

OP posts:
Lovemylittlebear · 26/03/2023 06:48

Actually this would put me off him. I’m someone who shares what I have with someone I am in a relationship with and best friends….personally I think it is tight especially if you have covered him with cash here and there when needed. I appreciate this is not the way some people work but it would hugely put me off as it wouldn’t match with my values of what I was looking for x

Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 06:48

Maybe I’m a complete fool, I did think he would help me out or say no worries give it to me pay day type thing 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 06:51

I totally understand what you’re saying & it has put a question mark over how I feel for him. I’m very giving, I understand we are all different. It just really would have helped me out. He even says, what’s mine is yours! That’s laughable atm 🤣🤣

OP posts:
HuntingoftheSnark · 26/03/2023 06:53

He's careful with money. So you say, at present you owe me £20. Please accept that as down payment for the cot, and the situation is now reversed as I owe you £20 which I'll happily give you when I'm paid. He thereby gets £40 for the cot.

Six months in I'm not sure he needs to be giving away items to someone he doesn't have the 42 year emotional attachment to that you have, though.

Crumpetdisappointment · 26/03/2023 06:53

you are entitled to feel the way you do op,
that he should have said at least owe it to me

Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 06:55

He knows that she’s like a sister to me. He would have been doing it ultimately for me & helping me out

OP posts:
Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 06:59

Thank you, it’s the first time I have ever posted anything & it really is helpful having other’s comments/veiws X

OP posts:
Figmentof · 26/03/2023 07:01

I don’t think he is tight because he is selling his cot and isn’t offering to give it away to a stranger. To be honest if I were selling something I wouldn’t want to give it away to a friend of my husbands and we have been married twenty years and share our finances fully - but why would I give something away? Confused. This man is not your partner even, he is a boyfriend of six months.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/03/2023 07:02

Ayou sound like you have a lovely relationshop with your friend... your "D"P on the other hand 😑
Ask for your £20 back as planned and get on fb marketplace. I got a john lewis wooden cot second hand for £5. Some people were giving them away for free.

Good luck to him if he thinks someone will pay that for his used cot.

Baby stuff has naff all resale value.

Dont was money on any shop bought new clothes until 12m at least (get on vinted and you can buy outfits etc for 70% off retail prices). My vote is use the rest of the £20 to get your friend a cute outfit for baby akd box of chocs!

Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:03

Totally disagree!! If you can help someone……. Why not?? Especially someone you’re meant to love. I guess we are all different. It’s not some random woman either, she’s like my sister, he knows this

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 26/03/2023 07:04

I’m not quite sure why you think he should give your best friend’s daughter this cot for free. Has he even met her? Also I’m confused about you giving him £20 for a Mother’s Day card. Do you mean you paid for a card for him mum? If so why?

NovelFarmer · 26/03/2023 07:05

I wouldn’t buy such a big gift as the mum probably has something in mind that would compliment the style of her nursery.

Figmentof · 26/03/2023 07:05

Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:03

Totally disagree!! If you can help someone……. Why not?? Especially someone you’re meant to love. I guess we are all different. It’s not some random woman either, she’s like my sister, he knows this

She is not like a sister to your boyfriend of six months though! I guess it is easy to be generous with other people’s belongings isn’t it! Cheeky.

Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:05

honest we are like sisters! I like your idea, thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:08

Yes of course he’s met her, she’s like my sister. He would have been doing it to help me ultimately! He asked did I have cash for his Mother’s Day card as we were rushing. Save time by nit going to cash point

OP posts:
Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:10

I have known him 20 years, dating 12 mnths, official 6 mnths. Ultimately he would have been helping his partner out…… really can’t see how that’s cheeky ?!?! 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:11

Btw, I’m extremely generous with absolutely everything…… hence not being able to get the cot!!!!

OP posts:
Figmentof · 26/03/2023 07:12

Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:08

Yes of course he’s met her, she’s like my sister. He would have been doing it to help me ultimately! He asked did I have cash for his Mother’s Day card as we were rushing. Save time by nit going to cash point

No it isn’t helping you, it really isn’t. You cannot go around demanding that your relatively new boyfriend makes £40-50 donations to your friends, which is effectively what you are doing. You are a CF.

knittingaddict · 26/03/2023 07:13

What is his financial position? I only ask because borrowing cash for a Mother's Day card seems so unnecessary in this day and age. Does he not have a bank card?

Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:14

Yes he does have a bank card. We were rushing & he asked had I cash to save time, hence me lending him the 20

OP posts:
Original poster
Zelda7 · 26/03/2023 07:15

What’s a CF?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 26/03/2023 07:15

Also I don't think you can expect him to give something away for free after a few months of dating. Some people will (myself included), others won't. Neither is right or wrong.

knittingaddict · 26/03/2023 07:16

Cash does not save time. Why would it?

user1492757084 · 26/03/2023 07:18

The decision to use the 2nd hand cot needs to come from the mother of the baby.
You could inform them that there is a nice cot from XX available for 30 (if you donate the 20 owed to you ) if you like it.
Leave the decision up to them. If it is a lovely cot it will be good value but accept that they might not like it.