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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

229 replies

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

OP posts:
millymog11 · 24/03/2023 13:25

Not read the whole thread but have read all of OP's posts.
You have been given the medical all clear, you have very literally been given a second chance at life, your own life I should add.
I don't know the full details of your 7 years with this man before you were given the all clear but my guess was that your relationship was what is called co-dependent at the very least. In other words, one of the reasons why you "love/loved" him and one of the very reasons why he (supposedly) "love/loved" you was because you thought you had this life limiting condition.

Now you don't have that life limiting condition, at the very least that element of your relationship has gone and even with the best will in the world you would have to prove that you two work as a couple without it. No guarantee of that.

(and that is even before I get onto the "why would you even bother going back to someone who is now having a baby with someone else?" question)

See this medical second chance at life as a HUGE sign to you alone from the universe not to waste another day of your life with this man. There is so much more.

Hiddenvoice · 24/03/2023 13:27

Sorry you’re going through this but honestly I think you need to leave him. Let him experience being a new dad. He will need to be there for his baby and for this woman. How he has treated her is truly awful, neither you or her deserve the rubbish from this man.

This woman will be in his life forever. They might have a chance of making a go at things and being a family. I know that’s hard to hear but you two decided to split as you thought you wouldn’t have a long life. I’m sorry but I know fine well mt dh wouldn’t have left me if I had that issue, he’d fight to spend all his time with me, your boyfriend should have done that.

He wants to be part of the baby’s life which is great. He should be there for this woman and will need to be there more than once a week the further the pregnancy continues.

im sorry but end it with him. Move on and try find happiness else where.

NKFell · 24/03/2023 13:33

Firstly, congrats on your health!

I'm sorry you're going through all this, I'm sure it will so difficult, but, you have to could ties with him. This is not going to work out, it never will.

MK85 · 24/03/2023 13:34

For your own sanity walk away. Your relationship clearly isn't working. You split over a medical issue ? That's a red flag number 1. No matter what medical issue myself or partner were having we stand by each other.
Do you really want to spend several more years torturing yourself mentally wonder what's going on between them. Your clearly paranoid asking to see the messages and fact you point out your arguing all the time. You need to leave. There would he something seriously wrong with you if you decide to have a baby with this man. This is a life were talking about. You can't bring a child into this kind of relationship and around all this arguing and paranoia.

greenel · 24/03/2023 13:34

Congrats on your treatment!

Now, you should be enjoying and celebrating life instead of being stuck with a man who is causing you so much stress and unhappiness. You don't need a treatment to get rid of him.

7 years ago it was your condition, now it is his baby - the universe is telling you that this relationship is not meant to be. I think you are just used to him because he was sort of around during a tough time, but you don't need him. Your life will be more fulfilling if you can enjoy your new lease on life and eventually find someone without all this drama. His priority now will always be his baby and by that token, the baby mama - don't you think you now deserve someone for whom you are the priority. I think you do!

2023forme · 24/03/2023 13:35

@Agonyaunt90 - your username is very ironic - if you were an agony aunt, you'd be saying what everyone on this thread is saying............walk away, build a new life, be happy!

ClaireJohnson1981 · 24/03/2023 13:37

Leave him! 100%

Monster80 · 24/03/2023 13:39

Run don’t walk!

SquidwardBound · 24/03/2023 13:42

Despite the 7 year history, this still feels like a post that should provoke lots of head tilting ‘are you very young?’ responses.

if ever there was a sign that you need to move on from this relationship, it’s that he’s having a baby with another woman.

Stop presenting it as some fated lovers separated by circumstances romance novel plot and recognise that you do not need this shite in your life.

Leave him to clear up his own mess and get on with you life.

2bazookas · 24/03/2023 13:42

Give them a little matinee coat then break all contact.

WilsonMilson · 24/03/2023 13:44

God, let him go. He’s having a baby with someone else. You don’t need this emotional bullshit. It won’t get better after the baby is here. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Excited101 · 24/03/2023 13:44

You have wasted 7 years on this loser, don’t waste any more

Emotionalsupportviper · 24/03/2023 13:45

2bazookas · 24/03/2023 13:42

Give them a little matinee coat then break all contact.

Make it bootees.

They're faster to knit.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 24/03/2023 13:45

Cerealkillerontheloose · 24/03/2023 12:57

They’re usually no cured though are they? It’s usually life lengthening. But curing of the disease? Mm

Why are you making such an twat of yourself, speculating about an OP's life-threatening illness & recovery? Would you prefer OP was still at death's door, would that it more dramatically plausible & satisfactory to you?

If you suspect the thread's not genuine, either report it or stop posting.
You are displaying a remarkable lack of sensitivity to OP & any PP affected by life-limiting conditions.

CurlewKate · 24/03/2023 13:45

Walk away. If you don't, make sure you are using absolutely reliable contraception.

SquidwardBound · 24/03/2023 13:46

CurlewKate · 24/03/2023 13:45

Walk away. If you don't, make sure you are using absolutely reliable contraception.

And get an STI test…

BubziOwl · 24/03/2023 13:47

You deserve a much happier, simpler life than this. He does not sound worth your time, and this situation is just going to bring you misery.

Chocolatesandroses · 24/03/2023 13:47

I read half of it about getting back together etc I honestly would just leave what are you actually getting from this relationship . On and off for 7 years and keeps goes back to her . You deserve much better than this and so does she actually . You say you’re arguing a lot because you’re worried he will go back to her that’s because deep down at some point he will . If your already arguing and she’s only 20 weeks wait until the baby is here , it will only get worse I’m afraid

Chippy1234 · 24/03/2023 13:49

Run - run and dont look back. You deserve better than this but I will be honest. There are just too many threads around women who settle for second best, who walk around in a daze around conception but secretly think if I got pregnant they would stay with me forever, who find themselves at the behest of a man who has now decided that you are boring because you are a SAHM (and who refused to get married because marriage is just a bit of paper). Even partime time working is not as career enhancing as a full time role.

Why do women do this??

SquidwardBound · 24/03/2023 13:49

Incidentally, if this is a plot anyone is considering for their self-published romance novel… don’t bother.

Any reader will be firmly on side of: he’s been messing you around for 7 years and now he’s got someone else up the duff - RUN! No one will be rooting for the romance to prevail.

Which also means that if this is someone’s life, they should RUN. Fast. And never look back.

SlightlyJaded · 24/03/2023 13:50

You have been given a clean slate - your health and a new and unexpected future to enjoy.

He has a baby on the way, a sense of commitment to another woman and a worrying expectation of secrecy around their communications.

She will be doing everything she can to make them into a 'family' and once the baby arrives, he may well decide that he needs to 'try to make it work'.

Call it a day.
Seven years and look where you are?

Yes it will be hard for six months - but then you will be able to move on. The alternative is it's hard for the next 18 years whilst his child grows up....

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 24/03/2023 13:50

They're are now a lot of people on this relationship not just you two.
The mother of his child who will have her own perspective, needs, rights, expectations and agenda.
His child, innocent in the politics of it all who needs to be raised into a half decent human and also will need to have a good relationship with its father.
Him, he now has divided loyalties and always will, because he has a child, the mother of his child and his romantic love all competing for his resources of emotions and time etc.
You, who wants to enjoy a free life with him.

It will never be simple. Can't be simple. Will only get more complicated as new partners or children come onto the scene.

I think given its taken 7 years to get this far, I'd cut my losses now if I was you.

MrsJackGrealish · 24/03/2023 13:51

She's only 20 weeks pregnant and he's bounced around between the two of you and suggested you try for a baby with him in thst time.

Now he wants to spend once a week with a woman he keeps leaving you for, and you are still holding on why?

Find some self respect and chuck him back to her before he leaves you again.

BluetheBear · 24/03/2023 13:52

Honestly it's not worth it even if you think you really love him.

ScotchOnTheRocksWithATwist · 24/03/2023 13:55

I'm sure I'm echoing 8 pages of replies when I say run for the hills and never look back. The situation is way too complex and no one is worth this much drama.