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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend has a baby on the way with someone else…

229 replies

Agonyaunt90 · 24/03/2023 11:00

Where do I start?! So I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for 7 years. In September, we finally cut ties, as there were too many factors that meant we couldn’t be together. A few weeks later he met a new girlfriend. He was with her until middle of November. During this time, the factor that had stopped us being together (a medical issue) was no longer an issue. The day he broke up with her, he contacted me and we decided to make another go of it now we didn’t have anything stopping us from being together. The very next day she told him she was pregnant and he went back to her for the sake of the baby. Their relationship was very turbulent and he messaged me three times during that period to try and get back together but each time he’d go back to her again for the baby. In the middle of January he finally left her for good and we are now together.

I’m obviously finding it very difficult. We argue a lot as I worry he will go back to her. He’s sick of arguing about her. They had their 20 week scan yesterday and now he’s telling me that he wants to spend time with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. Then when the baby comes, he will be spending the first 2 weeks with her and possibly staying over. I understand why but it’s still so difficult to cope with. He doesn’t want to show me the messages they send to each other to give me piece of mind nothing is going on, as he feels like it’s like being in a prison having to show me. I do feel like he loves me. He says he wants us to try for a baby but I’m not sure what to do about any of it. Part of me wonders if I should walk away and let them see if they can make a go of it for the sake of the child, but he says he’s either with me or nobody. It’s just a difficult situation. Any advice????

OP posts:
drpet49 · 24/03/2023 12:37

DoristheDuchess · 24/03/2023 11:05

Walk away. It hasn't worked in 7 years of trying and it's not going to work now there's the additional stress.

Be kind to yourself and get yourself out of future heart ache. He won't want to as he'll want the best of both worlds, but that's the worst of both worlds for you.

Better to rip the bandaid off now.

This without a doubt. Things will only get worse when the baby arrives and I could see him going back to her to make things work as a family.

Stravaig · 24/03/2023 12:38

Lizzt2007 · 24/03/2023 12:34

Kidney failure, lung failure, heart failure just to name a few. Curable with transplant but not predictable as have to wait for a suitable organ to be donated and many times one isn't and the person needing a transplant dies.

That makes sense! The vagueness for understandable privacy reasons sent me off in a completely different direction.

Raineth · 24/03/2023 12:41

Wow what a tricky situation. Congratulations on the success of your medical issue though, that’s fantastic and hooray for your longer life expectancy.

Forget any idea you may have about checking his messages, that would be very unhealthy.

I suppose the bottom line is that he is going to be a father and for the rest of his life his child should - rightly - be the priority. And the mother of his child will always be in some kind of (non-romantic) relationship with him. So you need to decide whether you can accept that you are no longer the number one priority in his life, and accept that he has regular contact with his ex and obligations to her (financially and practically eg school runs etc). If you can’t accept those changes then the relationship is doomed and you might as well end it now.

If you can accept those things and you are both sincerely in love with each other, then it may be worth trying to make your relationship work, but if it was me then I would end the relationship (for the sake of the baby, so he isn’t pulled in different directions) and look for a man who isn’t already a father.

123wentaway · 24/03/2023 12:42

Walk away. He has the baby and it’s mum in his life for at least the next 18 years.

BadNomad · 24/03/2023 12:43

You've got a second chance at life. Don't waste it on flaky men. Go find someone without drama and baggage.

MidgeHardcastle · 24/03/2023 12:44

Yikes!! If this is genuine you know he's shagging both of you don't you? Get a STD check NOW and forget him.

Meggymoo777 · 24/03/2023 12:45

BadNomad · 24/03/2023 12:43

You've got a second chance at life. Don't waste it on flaky men. Go find someone without drama and baggage.

This! Exactly this x

supercali77 · 24/03/2023 12:45

Wants the baby to hear his voice in utero 🙄 ok. Won't show you the messages because it's like being in prison 🙄 sure mate. He sounds like a walking headfuck. Being on and off for 7 years maybe he's just never been so throughly an arsehole...nows your chance! He's completely on display. Ditch him and find peace

BlackBarbies · 24/03/2023 12:47

Okay let me respond seriously now.

You’ve been on and off for 7 years. That already doesn’t sound good but let’s move on. You broke up because you had a terminal illness and didn’t want to hold him back, fine.

He then gets in a short relationship and gets someone else pregnant. He goes back and forth between you both and now says that he wants to stay with her once a week so the baby can hear his voice. He won’t let you read his messages to give an ounce of reassurance that nothing is inappropriate here.

Look, this man is mugging you off. It sounds as if you’re quite happy for him to drop you and then pick you up where he left you. Do you not have any self respect? You need to ditch this dead weight but it really doesn’t sound like you will

unclebuck · 24/03/2023 12:48

2 women competing for a sad sack of shit. Just stop.

Purplecatshopaholic · 24/03/2023 12:54

If you put up with this you deserve all you get op, sorry. Advice? Walk the fuck away as quickly as possible. You now have the chance of a long, happy life, don’t waste it on drama, or crap boyfriends with serious baggage.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 24/03/2023 12:57

Lizzt2007 · 24/03/2023 12:32

Heart transplant? Lung transplant? Kidney transplant? Lots of potentially terminal conditions can be 'cured' by treatment, but in all of the above it's only possible if a suitable organ becomes available, and there's no way to know in advance if one will.

They’re usually no cured though are they? It’s usually life lengthening. But curing of the disease? Mm

Oojamaflipper · 24/03/2023 13:02

You’re better than this. Surely you see that?

Sassyfox · 24/03/2023 13:02

Why are you wasting your life on something that obviously doesn’t work??

If you want to stay with him then you need to accept that there is at least 2 more people in your life now which will be around for years.

It is going to be very difficult because he is going to have constant contact with his ex and there will be times where you are not a part of that.
They may want him to be at the birth and be apart of the scans, midwife visits, health visitor visits, doctors appointments etc. These are things that you are going to be left out of and it’s going to make you feel paranoid and upset.

This can definitely be done but it is going to be a hard journey for the next 18+ years and you need to be prepared for that.

FuckNuggets · 24/03/2023 13:04

Jesus Christ woman, dump him! He's an arsehole! He was prepared to walk away from you when you were quite possibly dying! Now he's shagged someone else and gotten her pregnant. He's playing you both for fools, I guarantee he's still shagging her. You deserve much better than him.

RosaBonheur · 24/03/2023 13:06

Get rid of him and move on, OP. Life's too short. He'll never really be yours if he has a child with someone else.

Maybe he should try and make a go of things with the mother of his child.

wincywincyspider · 24/03/2023 13:08

Cerealkillerontheloose · 24/03/2023 12:57

They’re usually no cured though are they? It’s usually life lengthening. But curing of the disease? Mm

OP didn't say cured. She said she had treatment and can now live a normal life.

SafferUpNorth · 24/03/2023 13:09

Errrrrrrrrr...... why do you want to be with him?! Don't waste your second chance at life on this guy.

Outnumbered99 · 24/03/2023 13:15

Run, don't walk, OP

Fupoffyagrasshole · 24/03/2023 13:15

ffs have some respect for yourself!! Dump this loser - he left you because you were dying and now he's having a baby with someone else

I'm shocked how these men get woman tbh!! Fucking hell

tsmainsqueeze · 24/03/2023 13:15

Do you really need advice ?
FGS get rid , why on earth complicate your life with this man and his problems, but if you do stay please don't bring a baby into this shitty scenario.

bucketloadofcats · 24/03/2023 13:17

I think if you couldn't make it work without another woman's baby, what makes you think it will work now?

I appreciate you felt guilty over being so ill, but if you were truly meant to be together, that wouldn't have stopped you. Again. And again. Maybe you'd have split up once and found your way back together, but you wouldn't have been on, off, on, off so many times.

You can now lead a normal life. That is brilliant. You can now look forward to the future and enjoy your life. As part of that, I suggest you stop clinging to past relationships that don't make your life better, just because they're familiar.

New is scary, but you have a much longer life ahead of you to try new things and enjoy them.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 24/03/2023 13:17

There are other men out there. Go meet some of them. Leave him.

PeekAtYou · 24/03/2023 13:20

The worst thing that you can do right now is have a baby with him. You would be setting your child up as competition for their older half sibling and that's going to fuck up their self esteem. By competition I mean you will be comparing the amount of time, money, attention that they get Do you really want to go through the hassle of having split Christmases because he wants to see his child?

You should break up with him. Not because he might be able to be with his ex but because things are going to get tougher and you should spare yourself the heartbreak and hassle. There is a good reason why the relationship was on and off (I read your update) and it's perfectly acceptable to want a bf who is childless.

Mummyof287 · 24/03/2023 13:21

Walk away.....and then watch him go crawling back to shack up with her.

Leave them to it, don't get wrapped up in their mess, and DEFINITELY don't have your own baby with him! Start afresh with someone else who deserves you!