Have found out that my dp is married

[almostthesecondwife]

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! .

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account .

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

I think I agree with the others with regards to the unborn baby. I believe all children are a blessing. And this sibling will undoubtedly bring so much joy into your life, and like others have said, will understand 100% what dd is going through and may be a tremendous support to her in growing up.

That's not to say that, if you feel it is best, you shouldn't terminate. That is very much your decision, and I can't pretend to understand what you must be going through.

But I wanted to add this as I do think there could be many more positives to having this new baby. Neither decision will be easy. But sometimes it's difficult to see the positives in the midst of all the hurt.
Counselling is a good idea.

I really hope you come to a decision you're happy with. You'll get support here no matter what.

I hope your scan went ok AMSW and things are a bit clearer for you now

Thinking of you ATSW xx

Agree with all of the previous posts.

I was in a different situation but we were engaged to be married and the child was planned, then he changed his mind with no qualms and was abusive, pressuring me to have an abortion - huge emotional shock and I felt as if I had been deceived. I had been deceived because I found out subsequently that I didn't know him as well as I thought.

There was a second previous marriage I knew nothing about, I only knew about one. Also, I knew he was taking antidepressants for work stress but he then admitted to me, after we split up, that he had been on and off antidepressants for 20 years and was unable to manage without them. He also then told me that he had done something similar to a previous girlfriend. There was no baby in her case but she had sold her flat and given up her job, moved half-way across the country to move in with him - then he told her soon after it wouldn't work!! There is something perverse about a man who does that. And he is well-educated (Cambridge) and has a responsible job. As we all know, class, family background, education, etc., don't come into it. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that you have been taken in by such a person.

Anyway, it was a different situation but I want you to see that I can empathise. I had no intention of having a child in anything but good circumstances, in the context of a loving and secure relationship, but sometimes you have to adjust your world view and roll with the punches.

I went ahead and had dd. I am glad about that. It has been hard but I am so relieved I made the right decision. I do regret not being able to have a second child. Yes, I could find a new relationship and have a child by a different man but what happened has shaken my confidence and I've found that I am just concentrating on dd. I am worried about her because her father isn't interested and she has no sibling to talk to and share things with when she gets older. I do feel (irrationally perhaps) guilty about this.

So, to cut a long story short, in your position, I would go ahead with the pregnancy.

But I do understand why you are considering a termination because I did agonise over it. In my case, because I was frightened of being a single mother and because I wondered if I could have found someone new and had the two parents, two children family that I had always planned to. Being a single parent has been an adjustment but it has stretched and improved me as a person. I would still have preferred the traditional family but if I find a new relationship it will be because I want to be with that person not because I just want someone to give me a second child or to be my meal ticket. I have accepted that dd is most likely going to be an only child. I have a caring brother and sister but I have a strong sense, given that my parents are dead and she has no sibling to play with, that she needs more people in her life and I must always be making the effort to find new friends and role models for her.

If you are going to have a termination, sooner is better because it will become harder the longer you leave it, but I hope that you don't and you must think very carefully about it.

You have a good job and there are tax credits, etc., that you can claim to help you financially. As things stand, you only need to work 16 hours as a single parent to claim working tax credit so working part-time might be an option if your job allows it. It will be hardest in the first few years, emotionally and practically. He may want to help you - not sure if you would feel able to accept any help from him. Dd's father pays maintenance but is otherwise absent.

I just feel that, in the long run, you would be better off going ahead with this pregnancy and having a full sibling for your dd. Unlike me, you may find it easy to move on and find another relationship. But, if you don't, one mother, one child, is a bit intense. Three would be better than two.

Sorry, I'm rambling because I'm in a rush and I'm not wording this tactfully but...I just wanted to be frank.

I was going to say the same thing about the benefits of having a sibling. I have been through some traumas, and I am so thankful for my siblings.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

hope you are ok today and that the scan was not too traumatic.

Totally different situation but i had an unexpected pregnancy and i found it very hard wishing there was some way this baby would just go away - i knew i could never terminate (but i am not anti for anyone else).

Everyone was worried about me as i was very down during the pregnancy and although it has been hard i am so glad i have my dd now. I do sometimes feel guilty about how i felt but at the time that was how i felt.

Do take care of yourself and dont feel bad about any of the thoughts you have however horrid they may seem.

Thinking of you, hope the scan went okay and helps you to decide what to do. x

Thinking of you. Hope your scan went well.

I can't bring myself to offer any comment as it is such a personnal choice.
I just think you've had a lot of very good informed advice in the last posts.
You and DD and maybe this baby ARE already a family. With or without him. Take care of yourself.

almostthesecondwife, I would just like to send you a and my best wishes.

Hello, sorry I haven't been back, things have just been so busy.

I went for my scan on Tuesday and as soon as I saw the heartbeat I just welled up inside and knew that I could never terminate a baby that already had a heartbeat.

So it looks like there's going to be three of us, me and dd and the new baby .

On a slightly less happy note, I had a call from dp's wife. She wants to meet me apparently, because she wants some answers. She said that she wants to know what's been going on in the past 4 years. I'm not so sure whether meeting her is a good idea, although I do have a friend whose husband had an affair and she did feel that meeting the other woman helped her to find some closure, but I'm not the other woman in the traditional sense am I? Anyway I've said i'll have to give it some thought. This week has just been too emotional for me already so I'm really not ready to deal with his wife. Does that make me selfish?

Glad to hear the scan went well ... Congratulations..

Meeting his wife does not make you selfish BUT as you rightly say, you are not the OW in the usual sense and I would hate to think that his wife thinks you have something to hide. You need to meet her as soon as you feel strong enough to put the record straight ...

Would it help if you met her with a friend to support you? To step in and mediate if necessary, if things got heated or too emotionally-charged? She could always bring someone too, if she felt that she might be out-numbered. As you say, you are not the OW, in the traditional sense, but it's going to be hard for her to view you as anything else. It's difficult all round, as neither of you are responsible for this really, only him. And he needs to be well off the scene during this chat! I'm glad your scan went well.

I think I would take someone with you for support not least because you may well need it. Perhaps write to her first explaining that you really did have no idea and that you thought it was at the other office etc that he'd asked you to marry him etc. In other words put your side of the story to her first in a calm manner and perhaps agree to meet if there is still stuff she'd like to discuss?

I think it will be good for both of you to meet up as he has cheated on both of you, as you rightly say you are not the other woman ... but on the flip side, and in a strange way you both are (iyswim). Please take someone with you, as she might get violent and you have the lo to think of. Take care and all the best.

I think it could be brilliant to meet her, you will have a much fuller picture having heard her side. I agree about taking someone with you, just as a bit of emotional support, but they can leave if you want them to.
It would be good to be on good terms with her. Your children are related to her children, and if they or you ever want to establish those relationships, it could be possible if she's on side.
Not selfish at all not wanting to do it immediately. Take your time. You've had the most startling shock.

ATSW - Good to hear you are ok and that the scan went well. I'm pleased that you are thinking you will continue with the pregnancy. (I'm sorry if I/we put pressure on you.) You will be a proper family - strength in numbers!

I think it would be helpful to meet his wife, and it is possibly a good sign that she wants to meet you. As you say, I would choose your time. It doesn't have to be right away. I agree with CarGirl - in your place, I would write her a letter first, setting out what happened between you and your dd's father. That way, she can digest the facts before you meet and it might lead to a less emotional, more constructive meeting between you. I would also suggest you take someone along with you for moral support as it could be upsetting and, I suppose, you just never know, do you?

Good to hear you sounding so strong, as ever.

No it doesnt make you selfish but it may help both of you as you are both victims here you, her and all the children! it may also give you some closure as you are likely to have the same feelings you did nothing wrong it was all him!

I couldnt read and not post anything...

I wish you and the children all the very very best.

atsw, I really think it's a good sign that she wants to meet you and it would give you an opportunity to let her know that you are an innocent in all this. Otherwise all she has is his side of the story which, by the sounds of it is likely to be pure fiction.
Glad you are going ahead with the pregnancy. It will be good for your dd to have a sibling.

If you are going to meet her, please take someone along with you - if nothing esle you are extra vulnerable while pg . Your priority should be looking after yourself and your children right now, remember you are not responsible for the pain your ex has caused her.

So glad the scan went well. Not surprised you don't feel up to meeting his wife yet. Agree with the others that it might be a good idea to put your side of the story to her in writing first, and let her come to terms with the fact you are both decent women who've been duped by an utter bastard.

Take good care of yourself, dbump and dd.

So glad the scan was good.

I think you NEED to meet his wife.
Meet in a coffee shop somewhere, take a friend to sit at another table in case it gets too much for you.
Take copy's of as much prof as you can, joint post, birth certificates, letters / cards he sent you, photos etc.

She has a right to be angry but if she is angry with you then that anger is misplaced.

You need to show her you are not a home wrecking trollop and you had no idea he was married, he is the one who has messed with the lives of 2 women and 5 children.

I think if you don't meet her you look guilty and she will believe any old shit he tells her about you.

I agree with Kimi.

thank you bree not often I am agreed with

Glad the scan went well and has made your decision so much easier.

I do think a letter is a good idea. A calm, reasoned and detailed letter setting out your history clearly and making it blazingly clear that you had no idea he was married, had been married in the past, had any other family than yours. Suggest a meeting place in the letter and also suggest that she bring a friend or a family member along too as this is what you will be doing for moral support because this whole situation has been as much of a shock to you as it has to her.