Have found out that my dp is married

[almostthesecondwife]

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! .

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account .

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

[Tamz77]

This is an awful story; I know what it's like to be with a liar, but nothing on this scale.

TBH what you did (calling the wife) could be in your best interests, in the long run. I was about to post that you should be prepared for the guy coming home to you and doing/saying ANYTHING to talk you round and keep you on his side. You'd have been so vulnerable to any kind of emotional attack. At least now you've forced his hand, he'll have to show himself, and deal with both women in his life. You're more likely to see the real him now, at least, whether it turns out that he pursues you or tries to smooth things over with his wife.

My father did the double life 'thing' having children by women who knew nothing about each other for years. Actually when one of his partners found out she decided to just live with it, that she'd rather keep half of him than lose all of him. His explanation years afterwards is that he did (and still does) genuinely love both women, just he got into a situation which ended up overtaking him, and eventually he just did what he could to keep everybody happy. Am not justifying it, just giving his story. There are men who believe that running a double life can in some way be interpreted as 'keeping everyone happy'. Be prepared for your (hopefully now) ex to say this too.

Stay strong, and good luck.

[Julezboo]

I agree with Tamz, i think you ringing her before he gets back is for the better, because he could try to persuade you out of it when he gets back.

I hope it all goes as calmly as possibly for you and your DC's

What a complete twat, I wanna punch him for you!

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

I think the fact that his wife believed you in the end says a lot- it wouldn't surprise me in the least if he's had other relationships whilst married to her

Still, you have honesty and truth which whilst not of any consolation to you now will be of comfort to you in the future.

Please give yourself time to grieve; try to tell RL friends and accept any support you are offered- we're all here from you so talk as much as you want to x

[tribpot]

What a horrible situation for you And indeed for his poor wife - not that I blame you in the slightest for what you did, ths situation is not of your making.

I wonder if you could write to his wife, laying the story out as you have here, how he was plausibly absent at Christmas and days during the week. I'm sure she finds it literally impossible to believe right now that you didn't know he was married. I mean that is one collossal deception. It may be that as she starts to reflect on his absences, she begins to see how it was possible. What excuse can he have given her every Boxing Day, for example?

My thoughts are with you both. You are both the victims of a man who, probably thoughtlessly rather than deliberately, has been utterly unfair to you and your children. As Tamz says, this whole "the situation got out of my control" thing does seem often to be the excuse offered - I've known seemingly rational and honest friends do the same thing in less extreme circumstances.

The flowers were crass in the extreme. Please take care of you and your little ones.

[ivykaty44]

Can I just add

Who is named as the father on the birth certificate of your dc?

How much "legal" stuff, bank accounts life insurance policies utility bills are in his name at your address? Can you get these documents either stopped or change the address?

His marriage will be on the GRO index, and like another poster says you can view these indexes on ancestry - you can just register without a credit card - just email and your name to view them for free. You can pull up his marriage - but why you would actually need a certificate for his marriage to someone else I don't know?

I would think long and hard about whether you tell his wife - fact is she may well have had her suspicions and he may have done it before - just that his wife may have buried her head in the sand and choose to ignore it? We don't know, it does happen where men have mistresses and the wife chooses to ignore it - this isn't the same cos you did know but she may have done the same effectively.

Therefore if you go in for a show down with both of you there to confront him - it may be that his wife really doesn't want this and wants you to go away - again we can't know what would happen.

It may be though that this kind of situation has cropped up before.

I really do feel great empathy for you in this type of situation - chin up and have patients, take things slowly and think things through.

[ivykaty44]

Sorry I missed out a page, I thought I had read them all!

[SSSandy2]

she has already called the wife ivy

No advice I'm really very sorry for you and your dc

[BumperliciousIsOneHotMother]

How awful for you, but you sound like you are doing amazingly well. It must be so terrible to have brought your children into the world with this man that you are unfortunately going to inextricably linked with through your children

He sounds like a fucking coward to be honest, too much of a wimp to own up to either of you. It's difficult, but don't worry about the wife's reaction for now, just worry about your self.

I hope you have the support you need for your DD and your new LO.

[ScruffyTeddy]

Hope you're ok atsw.

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

I hope all goes well with the solicitor today.

Take care of yourself and remember we're all here if you need us x

[Buda]

God what a situation. Feeling very sorry for both you and his wife. I think a letter to her would be a good idea. Or another phone call if you don't have the address. I think that especially if you say you don't want anything from him but just want to make sure she knows exactly what he has done so that she can make an informed decision as to how to deal with him. After all you were both had. But of course in the initial shock she didn't realise this.

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

I agree with the letter idea. You may even find her through facebook or similar and be able to email.

Once she is calmer and the shock has passed she is likely to have lots of questions- at least if you respond to them you know that she has honest answers.

So sorry you are having to go through this

[Kimi]

I think you need to send his wife a copy of the birth certificate to prove he is on it .

You can't just put random people on these things.
Also any other official stuff you have, you don't know what he has / will be saying about you.
To her you may be the "other woman" and she will be angry at you until she knows the truth about her husband, and lets face it he is not going to be telling her the truth, from what you have said and from what he has done this low life will try to hang on to his marriage and lie about you to his wife.

Lets just hope she is not one of these poor deluded women that will put up with and believe anything just to keep a "man".

Well done about the locks and the money, and good luck with the solicitor.

[Blu]

Unbelieveable of him to send you Valentine stuff like that, and I can well imagine that it sent you stratospheric.

Huge sympathies - you have been very badly betrayed. Incredibly painful.

[Clegg]

She had to find out somehow, and no matter how she found out, you would always have felt like it could have been better, you could have said something different. It's not surprising she's furious, she obviously knows you're telling the truth. Well done. You have crossed the bridge, there is no going back. Why don't you write her a letter as well, just to explain and say everything you wish you'd said. Maybe enclose some 'family' photos. It will be far harder for her to ignore the facts if she is faced with a picture of your dc, and you. Well done.

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

Are yyou okay today ATSW? xxx

[almostthesecondwife]

Hello. Well I had my appointment with the solicitor yesterday and he said that as the other woman I actually have very few rights. He said I would be entitled to maintanence for my children, but that I would have to make a claim through the CSA rather than through mediation or anything like that as dp is married, still living in the marital home, and that in the eyes of the law I have no connection to him. He said that although I would be able to make a claim for maintanence for my children, if his wife decided to divorce him this would complicate matters further as there would be division of property etc and that his wife would have a much stronger case for maintanence for her children and would also be able to claim her half of the assets of the marriage such as the house etc which would put dp in a different financial position than he is now and would therefore have an impact on the amount I would be entitled to. He's given me some forms to fill in but to be honest I don't even know if it's worth bothering.

On Thursday night he rang me and told me that his wife had left him a message saying not to bother coming home as the marriage was over as far as she was concerned. Then he had the cheak to ask me if he could come home to me. He was crying down the phone and begging me to forgive him. A part of me felt sorry for him but I held it together and told him that I didn't want to see him and that as far as I was concerned he no longer existed. I also told him that I was going to the gp to arrange for a termination. He wa crying when I hung up and since then I've had lots of messages from him begging me not to terminate this pregnancy and take his baby away from him. I've switched my phone off now because I just can't look at all the messages any more because they all remind me of what a total idiot I've been and that I've been helping a man to cheat on his wife for the past 4 years.

I've made an appointment with the gp on Monday to discuss this pregnancy. I'm really not sure that it would be fair to bring another life into this mess.

[YeahBut]

for you. And that he wants you to support him when his wife chucked him out.
Please don't do anything rash regarding the pregnancy.

[TimeForMe]

I just want to say how much I admire you for the way you have handled this horrible situation. You are an inspiration!

[MuthaHubbard]

Although it may not seem like it now, but you come across as a very strong person. Good for you.

Whatever you decide to do, you have to make the decision based on what's best for you and your child.

[ShinyDysonHereICome]

Oh you poor thing you really do deserve so much better than this.

Have you told the rest of your family?
It's obvious that you've gone headlong into 'coping' mode with sorting out all the practical stuff but please do make sure that you get the emotional support to keep you going as well x

[Carmenere]

Oh you poor, poor woman, I really feel for you and I join all the other mners you admire you for your strength, your children are fortunate to have such a smart, together mother whose only weakness was loving a man who was dishonest with her. Not your fault, don't blame yourself.
I think you need counselling re the termination though, as the last thing you need is to feel like you have made a mistake terminating when you are so stressed.
You are doing really well though, remaining strong and behaving in a balanced manner. xx

[FoghornLeghorn]

You have not been a total idiot, he has !

Please don't make any rash decisions regarding the pregnancy - aside of anything else this is your baby, be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to think.

I don't really know what else to say

[LIZS]

He's clutching at straws now he stands to lose it all. Don't let him turn this around to make you believe it is your fault. Perhaps you were naive, I don't know what "signs" there might have been if any, but not realising before now does not make you an idiot. You wanted a man you could trust, to share a long term relationship and children, and that is what you thought you'd found and the role he chose to play. You and your dd don't deserve this or to be second best.

Whatever you do about the pregnancy , don't make a rash decision and remember you are not the one who would be taking away his kids - he's done that all by himself .

[skyatnight]

ATSW - So sorry. I second what others have said.

You sound as if you are fairly independent financially and in other ways. He may end up divorced and you may not get much child maintenance. This is bad but I suspect that you will find the emotional side of things harder to come to terms with.

My dd's father dumped me when I was pregnant and I considered a termination. Please think carefully about this. You will probably feel an almost revulsion towards him and be unsure as to whether you could cope with the pregnancy, but, you already have a child with him. He has behaved appallingly (understatement) but he probably does care about you and your child. I appreciate that staying together is not an option but he may try to use his right to see his child in the future and she may want to see him. In that sense you are stuck with him. This pregnancy could be a brother or sister for your dd. You must do what is right for you. Speaking from experience, things will be very difficult but you would, eventually, come out the other side and feel better about everything.

Protect yourself and your child(ren). Look after your physical and mental health as best as you can. This is going to be a marathon.