Have found out that my dp is married

[almostthesecondwife]

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! .

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account .

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

[Ineedmorechocolatenow]

I hope you and your two kiddies are doing well and are happy. I know it was a long time ago now, but would love an update x

[naughtalessnickerless]

I know this was a year ago. But I often think of you and I hope you and your dd (and the little one) are in a happier place now, and everything has worked out for you all.

[Chandra]

I hope everything is fine with you wherever you are.

You are an amazingly strong woman!

[Mamazon]

oh dear lord ATSW!

I cannot believe the strength you have shown through this.

you are incredible.

[ShinyPinkShoes]

I too often wonder how you are and if things somehow resolved themselves.

If you could post a short update just to let us all know you're okay I know it would put our minds at rest x

[gastronaught]

I often think of you and I hope things are going well for you.

[ladylush]

Hi ATSW, have just read the whole thread and am in total awe of you and the way in which you have handled this dreadful situation. I hope you meet someone who is genuinely worthy of your many qualities. Good luck with everything.

[ladytophamhatt]

How are things ATSW??

[skyatnight]

Thanks for the update ATSW. I'm glad you are ok. It's a terrible situation and you and his wife will have to be strong for your respective children. Best wishes.

[totalmisfit]

wow - how strong you are. i really hope your pregnancy and everything goes really well for you. you are well rid of him. how are you doing financially? do you have your own income etc?

[ShinyPinkShoes]

Hi ATSW just wanted to see how things are for you.

Hoping that life has begun to settle down and that your pregnancy is progressing well

[KarisTiasMum]

ATSW- I could not read this situation without posting a message..
you are aninspiration to any woman/man going through a difficult time. i am so pleased to hear that your scan went well and you have something so special and positive to look forward to. Although i can imagine how hard that decision was for you in the circumstances, i think a termination would have put an even bigger black cloud over something already so horrific for you.
I am sure now you are pleased following the meeting with his wife? it must have been awful having a whole life and future with a man you loved (and the father of your children), then suddenly feeling like the 'other woman' in someones elses marriage. I think it was important for you to make sure his wife realises that you are suffereing too and you are not the enemy! Have you and his wife stayed in touch in case she decides that she would like her children to meet yours?
Although i am sure you are worried about your xp, i shouldnt spend too much of your time getting stressed about his wearabouts.. he is probably in dark corner somewhere feeling very sorry for himself and realising what a complete cock-up he has made of his life. He is also probably finding a bit of comfort in the fact that he knows you and his wife are decent people and will no doubt be worrying about him.

i am glad you have found mumsnet a good place to offload and it is lovely to see how many people are here for you in a crisis, maybe this country isnt so bloody bad after all!

keep posting, we are all here for you.. and congratulations for your new decision, thats one positive thing from a horrid situation.

there are plenty of wonderful men out there.. i know its easy for me to say but dont let this idiot ruin your chances of ever meeting someone else and being happy again!

good luck with everything, and love to your family. and keep up the strength you have shown so far, you are doing so well!!

x

[ladytophamhatt]

ATSW, thansk fo rthe update. I agree with everyone else - You really are an amazing woamn. Well done for meeting the wife I think that was a lovely thing you did, especailly as you are obviously hurting just as much.

I hpe you hear from him soon. Is he not answering any calls? not been at work?

Regardless of what he's done that must be a huge worry. I'm sure teh police rae right though.

Good Luck to you all.

xx

[brimfull]

have only just read this thread.
god you poor woman
you've handled it very well and I wish you all the luck in the world .

[SSSandy2]

Thanks for letting us know how you are getting on. I've been thinking about you and this awful situation and wondering how you are managing.

He avoided telling you both for so long because he couldn't face up to the repercussions and so now he is true to form really in running away from you both and hiding until he thinks things may have died down a bit. I expect he will return on the scene and want to be involved and helpful at some stage.

How far into your pregnancy are you?

[MascaraOHara]

I've followed these threads from the start and just wanted to say that I've think you've been amazing. I'm so glad it went well with his wife.. I had a feeling it would be good for you to to talk.

I hope he hasn't done anything silly.

[Baffy]

So glad to read your update that the pregnancy is going well and meeting his wife went well too.

You're an amazing woman. And it sounds like his wife isn't a bad person either. You both got totally sucked in by a man who was too weak to think of anyone but himself.

Not surprised he's disappeared. I'm guessing he can't even look at himself in the mirror right now, let alone face the innocent women and children who's lives he's ruined.

Stay strong. You're doing so well.

[Buda]

I too was following this thread and am glad you updated.

What a silly silly man.

I hope and his ex are doing OK and that both your children and his other children are ok in the future.

Please keep posting - there is lots of support and kindness to be found here.

[thestands]

almostthesecondwife, I have been thinking about you over the last month and I am glad to have re found your thread as it were. I am pleased and very proud of you ('cause I'm not sure I could of) that you meet your partner's wife. It was very brave of you and I am pleased that she was nice. I wish you all the best for you and the children for the future. I also hope that your ex partner is ok. Good luck.

[Freckle]

Well done for having the courage to meet his wife. It was probably difficult for her too, but, as you may be seen by some parties to be the "other woman", it was probably more difficult for you.

Congratulations on the way you have handled the whole thing and for continuing with your pregnancy in what are truly trying circumstances. I hope his wife can come to see the benefit in all your children forming a relationship in the future.

[ggglmpp]

What a stupid fool he has been.

What a brilliant woman you are!

[Carmenere]

You are awe inspiring ATSW. Well done and good for you for remaining calm and strong in the face of such adversity.

[almostthesecondwife]

Hello. Sorry I haven't been back for a while, have been so caught up in everything that I haven't had time to come online. Thank you for all your supportive messages.

Well here's the update, last Saturday I travelled to London and met his wife. She was going there for some reason and asked if I would consider going to meet her as it was on nutral ground and nowhere near where either of us lives. She was actually very lovely which made me feel even more guilty about the hand I've had in the hurt she's been going through, even though I know I didn't consciously do anything wrong.

We had a long talk. She said that after she had spoken to her dh, he had told her everything pretty much in the same way as he'd told me, and that she no longer felt angry towards me, as she believes that I didn't know that he was married. She said she'd never suspected anything was going on as he'd always worked strange hours, in fact it had been the source of frequent arguments between them.

Strangely enough, dp has pretty much told us both the same, that he loved us both and just got drawn in and that there was never a good time and that he didn't want to lose either of us.

She has said that she's not sure as yet whether she wants her children to have a relationship with mine. As far as she is concerned the marriage is over and she has a lot to deal with still.

As for xp he's disappeared. I haven't heard from him since I had my scan, and his wife has said the same. neither of us knows where he is which is quite worrying as he's always maintained that he wanted to keep seeing his children, he begged me not to terminate this pregnancy in fact.

His wife has called the police and I believe he may now be considered to be a missing person, but the police have said that in the circumstances it's probably not surprising he's disappeared and will probably turn up in time.

I have told my friends and family in rl and they have been very supportive.

The pregnancy is going well and I'm trying to look forward now instead of back.

[hifi]

atsw, i have been following your story and so glad you are keeping your baby.