Have found out that my dp is married

[almostthesecondwife]

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! .

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account .

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

It sounds true to me, and he is being honest when he says, that he loves all of you. If he had just been using you, he would not want you to continue with the pregnancy.

Why do so many men try to have their cake and eat it? And use dishonesty to get what they want? I suppose it's a natural temptation but very short-sighted of them to not realise that it will not work long-term, and the repercussions will make them wish they had never done it. He has made a really big mistake and will pay a high price for it.

You sound strong and level-headed. Whatever it is, you will make the right decision. Your and your child's health and stability are the important things.

I really don't know what to advise. It's such a nightmare situation. He should never have turned to you for an affair just because he was having a bad patch with his wife. But yes, these things happen.
To then go on and build up a life with you, bring children into this world and talk to you about the 'future', knowing full well that he didn't know which family his future would be with... words fail me.

He took away all of your choices and allowed you to build a life that was based on lies. So I'm not surprised you can't see a future relationship with him. The deceit is off the scale!

But what I do think is that you seem amazingly calm and strong considering what you're going through. I imagine that right now you're in shock. On autopilot. And that is not such a bad thing, it will get you through the days.

All I'd add is don't rush yourself into any decisions over the pregnancy now. And be very honest with yourself. Don't be scared to admit how you feel. About the baby and about your relationship with him. It's not a bad thing to love him for the man you thought he was. And to grieve for the life you thought you had. It's now up to you where your life goes from here and whether you can love him for the man you now know he is.

You will always have support here.

You do know that he is crying for himself, don't you?

He is not crying for you, for his wife or for his children. For the hurt he's caused.

He is crying because it has come back and bitten him in the bum and he is suffering.

Letting him in was a mistake. he will be back to try to get your sympathy again. He is probably doing the same with his wife, seeing which of you will take him back first.

Good post Baffy.

Hope your appointment went ok atsw.

It does sound as if he is a weak man as opposed to an evil man.
I still could not get my head round this, but I suppose no one ever expects to be in this situation.
I think you need to distance yourself as much as you can for some time to think what you want to do.
Can you get him to watch dd for the night, whilst you even go off to a hotel or something or vice versa.
It can be very difficult to think with distractions all around.

Tears of self pity imho - if he hadn't got caught he would have happily continued his charade, completely disregarding your and his wife's right to an honest relationship and showing neither of you any respect. You've been more than generous in listening to him but you'd never be able to trust him in the same way again.

i was going to right quite a lot of stuff, against the grain of everyones opinion. but you seem to have come up with it all on your own.
i dont think he is a bad man. he has actually done ok by both you and his other wife. and children. men can compartmentalise in the way he has done. he has ended up hurting the people he cares about the most, but it wasnt intentional, and that is very important.
i'm glad you have decided not to make any decisions on the pregnancy relating to revenge. its your baby too.
i'll probly get jumped on for this, but this is a reason why getting married is so important before having kids. a marriage license would have brought up the fact that he was already married. and you'd have been able to think abou this without worrying about your kids. because make no mistake, even if you never take him back, he will still be a part of your kids lives, because he is their father.
a weak man, not an evil one.
and i dont think that taking him back is the worst thing in the world either. if he is a good dad, provides emotinally and financially for them,
lots of luck with whatever youdecide

pukka - I understand what you're saying and I think fathers are very important too - even if they are duplicitous (sp?) pillocks - but as a life partner? No - the op deserves a lot more!!
ATSW - hope you got on ok today - I find myself saying this a lot on mumsnet - but are you eating and drinking properly?

"it was like living in two worlds" - yes, I've heard this from friends of mine who've had affairs. And literally they do compartmentalise their brains, so that the fact they are sleeping with, in one case, two different women, in the other, a married man, was something that they were able to live through by a process of deliberate non-thought. Which means he did have to deliberately not think of you and your dd when with his other family, as well as vice versa, and that is despicable. I do see how people 'fall' into these situations, and how, by being weak and selfish, he has led you all to a place that he never thought it would end at the beginning, if you know what I mean.

But this is not a case of a few months of deception during an affair. This was a sustained, quite incredible deception.

Why did he turn up at 11:30 (at night, presumably)? Because he knew you would have to let him in to avoid a bust up with the neighbours. He could have come during the day. Whether consciously or not, he is still manipulating you. I would guess he had a long session with his wife that day, she kicked him out with nowhere to go in the evening, so he came to you.

And can I just quote this: "he and his wife were going through a difficult time, partly brought on by the lack of time he had to spend away with his job" - so his wife was not keen on him spending lots of time away for his job?! How unreasonable of her. I accept that there are lots of people out there who have to deal with various degrees of separation brought on by one or another's jobs, but this doesn't ring true.

Why do you think he is not a bad person because he hasn't raised his voice? He has betrayed you basically as much as one human being can betray another. That is bad. He may not have set out to do it deliberately, but it is bad.

Sending you all positive thoughts - I wish you the best with your GP appointment, only you can possibly know what you are going through right now but I would beg you to take the time to have some counselling. xx

I'm sorry if this has been asked before, I havent had time to read the whole thread, but what happened at things like christmas/family holidays/meeting his family?

I bet he was with his wife at Christmas or had to go out on a "work" emergency on boxing day. I don't know how people have the energy for these complex double lives.

Oh what a mess.

I think he is still trying to have his cake and eat it TBH.
As he did not answer when you said did he shut out thoughts of you and your daughter when he was with his wife and children, I think you know what the answer was, he did not.

I do not think you have a future with this man, I think you have to make a life for yourself and you daughter without him in it.

As for the unbprn child, it is your choice weather or not you carry on with the pregnancy, he has no rights to beg you not to have an abortion, you have to do what is right for you, not him.

That is what gets me. A lot of people drift half-consciously into affairs (with knowledge of each other's circumstances) but he has deliberately lied plus asked you to marry him and planned children with you - it shows an altogether different degree of dishonesty and delusion.

It must be more common than we would think but I imagine it was easier to cover up years ago when there were no mobile phones, no computers holding records, etc..

I used to know a girl who lived with her partner, they planned a wedding together (ceremony to take place abroad, costing tons of dosh) and she found out he was already married with a child the night before the wedding.

In this acse he wasn't living a double life in the sense that he was separated from wife, but not divorced.

Sorry that should have read he did not think of you and your daughter when he was with his wife and children

Hello. I saw the gp yesterday and he was very sympathetic. He said that he wants me to go for a dating scan first and that he will then refer me for a termination if that's how I still feel. He did say that he thought I should have some counselling though to help me make the right decision. So I am booked in for a scan this morning. Still not sure what to do, I am torn between wanting to have this baby no matter what and thinking that it would be wrong to bring a baby into the world knowing that I will one day have to tell him/her about his/her daddy and why he isn't with us. As a mother my job is to protect my children and I can protect this baby while he/she is in here but once he/she is born I won't be able to protect him/her any more and that makes me so and [angry ] with dp for what he has and still is putting us through.

My brother and sil are coming over to take dd out for the day to give me a break. Gp signed me off work for two weeks so at least I don't have to think about having to hold it together at work.

you have every reason to be angry. Hope your brother and sister will be a big help to you.

you will sadly have to face this problem anyway with your dd, so in the end I am not sure whether it is so bad to have a second dc in the same situation IYSWIM. He has been responsible for causing you enormous pain already, I am not sure I would permit him to cause me the pain of not keeping a dc I wanted as well. Just who the hell is he anyway that him being who/what he is can determine whether your dc comes into the world? Maybe this second dc will be a great comfort and help to your dd in years to come too, you know, they will be in the same boat vis-a-vis him and that might help them both to cope with it all.

I am sure, horrible as all of this is, that you will create a loving and wonderful homelife for your dc - with or without much involvement from your (ex)partner. After all you already successfully did this with him away a lot of the week. You know you can do it. Be positive and don't be afraid to ask people for any concrete help you may need, I am sure you will get it.

Really sorry you are having to go through this.

oh sweetheart, this is awful. i hope you make what turn out to be the right decisions.

I agree you should seek counselling before making a decision. And agree with others that you are going to have to explain things to DD. Having a sibling can be such a huge bonus when you are in a complicated family situation - because you have someone who COMPLETELY understands and can support you as you go through life.

FWIW my DH grew up in a similar situation to the one you are describing. It is something he sees as a complex and annoying family situation but not much more than that in the grand scheme of things. Lots of people have complex and annoying family situations. That alone is very small in the overall scheme of life, IMO. Good luck, we are all thinking of you. xxx

But terminating your pregnancy isn't protecting the child that is inside you. Life isn't easy and it isn't pretty sometimes and we all have to face up to difficulties. In the overall scheme of things, your baby one day finding out that his/her father was weak and a liar probably won't be the end of the world. After all, there are loads of children out there having to deal with the fact that their fathers are violent wastes of space.

Don't make a decision this close to discovering his betrayal. Your emotions are all over the place and you need to get your head around everything else before making such a huge decision.

x-posts, mp. Similar thoughts.

there is a part of me that thinks that two children almost evens up the ballast a bit in terms of the other family. as one of four, i don't know what i'd do without my siblings when things are bad, i just can't imagine it. and also... can you trust ex-dp not to tell your dd (and not in a nice way). gosh, you poor woman, so much to think about.

i read this thread late last night but didnt post. After The of your initial pots almostthesecondwife I was left feeing what an incredibly strong wmoan you sound. Hope with DD out for the day you get some time to think and some time not thinking, if that is possible, just resting - this must be really taking iot out on you.

Exctly what freckle said re. pregnancy

I have been following this thread

regarding the pregnancy - I really think that to have close sibling is a strength. If your dd is going to have to face up to some pretty horrid stuff it seems to me that to have a sibling would be a great benefit to her..and you would know that they would always have each other.