Have found out that my dp is married

[almostthesecondwife]

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! .

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account .

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}

Have been following this thread and I just want to say much I admire your courage.

Why is it that some men have their brains in their pants?

Hope it all works out for you xxx

I know you aren't thinking straight and this is probably out of order to suggest, but please don't have a termination just to hurt your DH - I know that would probably be lovely right now, but make the decision for YOU.

As a mother-of-two I can honestly say that having two sisters is the best thing in the world. Nothing can touch that joy. Don't feel that you are 'bringing a baby into this mess'. It won't be a mess for ever. You still have a fantastic DD and you are still a fantastic mother and nothing can change those facts. That's not a terrible thing. That's a good and positive thing and what you and your DD have is amazing and lovely. Your current situation doesn't change that. xx

I just wanted to add that children are not their fathers. dd looks like my ex, and this did haunt me for a while, but now that she is nearly three, I realise what a unique little person she is. They all are.

Agree skyatnight. My dd is much like her father but she is my girl and no matter what he did, she is not to blame and im 100% sure that having her was the best thing to do. 100%. I have not doubted that for a moment since he left me.

My life was a mess, no doubt about it. But it was resolved and I dont feel guilty at all for bringing her into this world (guilty about everything since but thats being a mother!).

I really feel for you atsw

How has your weekend been?

Hope you're bearing up okay. x

I don't know how these men have the energy (and quite a few do lead these double lives for years). Even Lord Goldsmith, I think it was, had a mistress and children in Paris and wife in London.

I would just stop, think, don't rush into anything, probably have the baby. Don't tell his wife yet because there's no point in hurting someone else. Talk to him. Try to use your leverage which you only have as long as you haven't told her, to get him to commit within a defined time scale to leaving his wife (if he will agree to that).

I would also insist he gets tested for STDs because presumably he's been sleeping with both of you without protection, may have had other lovers as might his wife.

Xenia I think you need to read the most recent posts- his wife now knows!

And who'd want a two-timing scumbag to commit? She's better off without him

What a dreadful, dreadful situation - but I would beg you not to terminate your baby! It's not his/her fault. That would just compound the tragedy. This mess is entirely of his making, and I truly feel for you. You have been amazingly strong and assertive in dealing with it. I would have been furious that he's asked you not to tell his wife!! Choosing to protect her at your expense!! Why should she not know (and be hurt) if you can be? But of course, it's not her fault either. I know she was hoorid on the phone, but she'd had as much of a shock as you had, remember. And he seriously asked if he could come and stay with you now she's kicked him out? Astounding!!

Agree with whoever said don;t terminate to spite him, get some councilling so that if you do decide to go ahead then you are doing it for the right reasons.

You have NOT been an idiot, if we were all suspicious of each other and didn;t take things at face value we would all be having a pretty miserable time. You had no reason to not trust what he was saying.

Take care and let your friends and family take care of you

I just read an incredible book called The Other Mrs Jordan about an intelligent woman who was totally duped by a bigamist.

it is more common than most people know.
Check out www.lovefraud.com

Good luck

People can love two people. Life isn't always simple. If his wife has thrown him out may be that was what he needed to commit here and he can divorce, remarry and live hopefully faithfully with his new wife and 2 children although I accept it is not likely to work. It could be he was just so pulled in two directions.

What is legally interesting about this situation though is that one is married - one woman and the other isn't - makes a huge difference legally. They will each get some child support but in terms of other assets common law wives despite popular myth do not get any matrimonial type rights.

By Xenia on Sun 17-Feb-08 22:08:36
"People can love two people. Life isn't always simple. If his wife has thrown him out may be that was what he needed to commit here and he can divorce, remarry and live hopefully faithfully with his new wife and 2 children although I accept it is not likely to work. It could be he was just so pulled in two directions. "

I think you need to read the whole thread through carefully, Xenia. This man has been feeding the OP a very carefully thought out tissue of lies for years. Even when found out, he still kept on trying to make up new ones. She doesn't feel she can ever trust him again. Why would anyone would want to stay with a man who lies so easily? The OP has made it quite clear that she doesn't want to.

That's true but may be he just got himself trapped in a situation he couldn't get out of and now it's solved he might make a choice of one woman or the other and she might accept that but probably won't. I've a friend at the moment choosing between his wife and lover and of course he shouldn't have the lover but he has and needs to pick and it's very hard.

You are doing the right thing throwing this coward out of your life.

You did the right thing talking to his wife.
There was no easy way to do it.
He would just have left the situation to fester. And even if he had spoken to her and left her, it would just have been to lie to you again and try and convince you're the one to keep at least one roof over his head.

There is a good chance he does love you and is over his first wife but remember he not only betrayed you and her but all his children AND deluded himself.
Totally unreliable. Your decision to have this baby is yours alone.
Take care.

Xenia, I know what you are saying and it did cross my mind too. He doesn't sound like a cruel, evil wife-beater type; rather a weak, selfish, fantasist. Could he reform and still make a half-decent father? I wouldn't defend him or condone his behaviour in any way but it is possible that he was unhappy with his wife but was scared to lose his other children? But what he did was a coward's solution.

I wouldn't judge the OP for trying to make a go of it with him, but, as we have all said, how could you trust or respect someone that had betrayed you like that? He's not who she thought he was. She could do a lot better.

Sadly, she can't forget about him completely and move on, because he is the father of her child. It is a kind of life sentence and very hard to come to terms with.

I felt a bit bad about my earlier posts because the OP has not been back. I didn't/don't intend to add pressure about the pregnancy. I agonised (I was still considering a termination at 18 weeks but couldn't go through with it (worst time of my life)) about whether to go ahead with my (planned) pregnancy with an unreliable xp. It is so daunting and lonely to bring a child into life when the father may not be in the picture and/or when he has treated you badly. Maybe, because I went ahead with it and, after much heartache, I am glad that I did, I feel inclined to recommend it to someone else but I'm sure the OP knows her own mind and this thread was not initially about the pregnancy.

I just don't want her to do anything that she might regret, and how can she possibly be thinking straight after this huge shock. MP put it well. There is a way through this if she so decides.

Anyway, I'm a hypocrite, but it does feel a bit wrong to continue debating this in the absence of the OP. I hope she is ok.

In general in life if "in doubt do now't" and certainly don't rush into things including abortion and leaving someone until you've had lots of time to think about it.

how are you doing now?

don't be so hard on yourself over the way you told his wife, nobody could be expected to hold it together in that situation, there is no right or wrong way to deal with this. you're doing the very best you can. and you're doing really well.

hope you have some RL support and you appointment is ok today. always here to listen if you need to 'talk'.

Hello. The weekend was very stressful. Dp turned up on my doorstep at 11:30 on Saturday night and when he realized he couldn't get in he started banging on the door crying and begging me to let him in. One of my neighbours came out to ask if everything was ok and threatened to ring the police if dp kept shouting like that. Dp asked me to let him in and said that he just wanted to talk. I did let him in because to be honest I was embarrassed that one of our neighbours had come out and really didn't want the police turning up because I just didn't want to face the looks from the neighbours and the obvious whispering I know would follow.

We did talk though. I asked him why he'd never told me he had a wife and he said that the time just never seemed right! He said that when we first met he and his wife were going through a difficult time, partly brought on by the lack of time he had to spend away with his job. We'd met, and it had just seemed right. After that he just didn't feel he could tell me and as the relationship progressed there was never a right time to bring his wife into the conversation. I asked how he could have kept his children a secret though as he has always told me that dd is everything to him and so I presume he felt the same way about his other children but he said that it was like living in two worlds. When he was with me he never thought about his other family, so I asked if he never thought about me when he was with them and he didn't say anything.

He said he loves us both and loves all his children equally. He said he never wanted to hurt any of us and although I know I'm maybe being naive I do believe him.

He's not a bad person. He's never even raised his voice to me or dd.

He's said his wife has thrown him out. Apparently she said that she could possibly have forgiven the affair but not the fact he's fathered other children.

I said that I can never trust him again and so I don't see us having a future together either.

He broke down and sobbed and sobbed I've never seen him like that. He stayed on the couch and took dd out yesterday morning. Before he left he begged me not to terminate this pregnancy.

He's gone now.

I don't know whether any of what he told me is the truth but to be honest I'm not sure whether it really matters. The relationship is over and I would rather believe that he loved two women and just never had the guts to tel either of us than that he was a complete bastard who led us both on for 4 years without any regard for either of us.

I have my gp appointment this afternoon and I am still undecided about my baby's future. If I do terminate this pregnancy though it won't be for revenge.

How awful for you (and him although he only has himself to blame)
Do you still love him? It doesn't sound as though you would have him back. May be he would want to bring up the child alone rather than you having an abortion. It might be better to give him that choice - it would be like your giving it up to adoption in a sense rather than terminating it.

Of course he's sobbing and sobbing. His whole world has fallen apart because he was too much of a coward to sort out the mess he had made.

I do feel for you and for his wife - and all your children whose lives will be turned upside down too.

With regard to your pregnancy, if he had died, would you have considered terminating? If not, then I think you probably don't want to go down that route. There are plenty of single mums on here with more than one child - even some whose relationships broke down whilst they were pregnant. They have coped and their children are loved and cherished. Don't do something that you might regret. Your emotions are all over the place at the moment and rushing into deciding on a termination is something you might not do in a few weeks' time.

If you tried to start afresh with him it would always be at the back of your mind, every time he worked away, went out, made a phonecall you would be thinking "is he with her?" and who could blame you. If he had been honest with you from the start and told you that he had a wife then you would have been able to make an informed decision about weather to persue the relationship but he didn't and has still not ended his marriage. The only reason he has come back to you is that you told his wife what he's been doing and now she's kicked him out. If she had made him choose between you then who knows what would have happened!!!!!!
Xenia sounds like a fruit loop to me! Give him a timescale and see if he will divorce his wife and marry you? Maybe you should have the baby and let him raise it? What the f**k! Wierdo!