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Relationships

Have found out that my dp is married

270 replies

almostthesecondwife · 12/02/2008 16:45

Am a regular but have changed my name as I have friends on here that I know in rl.

I have been with my dp for 4 years. We met in a pub and got chatting and exchanged numbers and things sort of progressed from there. He's a salesman so does a lot of travelling so initially it was a long distance relationship. Then after we'd been seeing each other for about 6 months or so he moved in with me. But he still had to travel a lot so was away for 3 or 4 nights a week. It's always been like that.

He proposed to me within a few months of us moving in together but as yet we've never set a date as he's always given some reason, there's not enough money, he's very busy at work so unable to get the time off, it's been frustrating but I've generally accepted this without question.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was looking for a pen and knowing that he would have one in his briefcase I opened it, which is something I never do, and found a mobile phone in there that didn't appear to be his. And I did the inevitable and looked at it and there were texts on there from him to another woman and from her back to him, saying things like 'have really missed you babe, can't wait till you're home tonight' from her, and one from him that said 'I'll be home later', well i'd assumed it was from him. I confronted him about it, and he just said that the phone wasn't his and that it belonged to someone at work who had left it in his car and he'd brought it home.

But the next day after he went to work I rang the number of the other woman and asked if he was there, and she said no but that he would be home later that night, so I asked who she was and she said that she was his wife! .

I've confronted him about it and he's told me that the relationship has been over for years, that he's only there for the kids etc. Thing is, if that were true, why did he never tell me that he has 3 children?

I've done a lot more snooping and he's literally been leading a double life. with bank account for me and him, and bank account for him and her, different mobile phones registered to different addresses etc. I never questioned it because we both just put enough money into the joint account to cover bills and kept the rest for ourselves, so I'm guessing he was putting part of his salary into our joint account, an half into the marital account .

But we have a 15 month old daughter, and I have recently discovered that I am pregnant again. I don't know whether I can deal with the betrayal, but I don't know what to do.

Does his wife have a right to know? He's begged me not to tell her, but I'm not just the other woman am I? I'm also mother to his children.

OP posts:
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ernest · 23/02/2008 10:09

I agree, meet up, with friend, in public cafe/bar/restaurant/park

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Kimi · 23/02/2008 10:18

And please think she is bound to be as upset, hurt and angry as you are, as the last 4 years of her life have been a lie too.

Do you know where your Ex is now? Is he with his wife? Has he contacted you?

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CrushWithEyeliner · 23/02/2008 11:33

May I ask atsw how she was on the phone to you - does she sound like she has calmed down and can speak rationally? Because if she still sounds angry (like she did before calling you names etc.) I don't think it would do you or your baby any good. But when the dust settles I think it is important that you meet - great idea to take someone (maybe your sil?) for a bit of support at this vulnerable time.

I think you are amazing btw - best of luck

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LIZS · 23/02/2008 11:56

I know you aren't the typical OW but from her pov you may well be and that could well be what he has told her - that you knew and carried on regardless, tried to entrap him by getting pg, have reacted like this because he sought to end it .... who knows the extent of his lies and fancies If you meet her then this could easily turn nasty and you are quite vulnerable so think you are better to wait until you have more practicalities under your control and put some space between you , maybe sending a letter for now. If and when you do feel ready to meet make sure it is on neutral territory , without kids, and take a friend.

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countryhousehotel · 23/02/2008 12:19

What a terrible situation to be in almostthesecondwife, hope you are getting some support in RL.

Am amazed someone could try to get away with this for 4 years!

What did he do at weekends???

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stuffitllama · 23/02/2008 12:24

Chipmonkey's right, whatever he says is going to show him in the best light probably, and so it will be productive to put the record straight. Not much to add except that your scan went well and wishing you the best.

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bellavita · 23/02/2008 20:53

Have been following this thread.

Hope you, dd and bump are ok. Sending you hugs.

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ladytophamhatt · 23/02/2008 21:04

I've been following this thread and IMO meeting her will be a goo dthing for both of you.
I suspect right now she doesn't believe a word you say about your life togetehr with "him" so meeting her with a documented history will put that straight. I also think you'll both be able to move on knowing that the blame lies totally has his feet and not feel that she is blaming you etc...

I'm sooooo glad you've decided to keep the baby.

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ShinyDysonHereICome · 25/02/2008 19:38

Hope that you're bearing up okay and have lots of RL support x

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chubbymummy · 26/02/2008 20:03

Hi Almost.
I'm really glad the scan went well and you have come to a decision.
I agree with the other mners, it will clarify a lot of things for both of you if you meet up and as your children are related you need to look at building a positive relationship with each other for their sakes. You definatly need to make sure you meet in a public place though, the coffee shop idea sounds good. She will still be very angry and may blame you (even though you were just as in the dark as her), the last thing you want is for your baby to be put at risk if she looses control. If you really can't face meeting her face to face then be honest with her and tell her that you aren't ready but keep the lines of communication open and try to answer her questions honestly and sympathetically.
Good luck. x

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ShinyDysonHereICome · 27/02/2008 20:13

We haven't heard from you for a few dats now; I'm hoping this means you are alright and in receipt of lots of RL support x

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littlegreyrabbit · 28/02/2008 21:27

Hi ATSW -I've been following your thread with horror. You have been put in a position that nobody should be in.

Just one thought - before you meet his wife could you write her a letter explaining everything from your side?

The reasons I say this - 1. Wife may have been told a very different story by dp and see you as the 'bad' OW. She may be angry with you and planning to scream and shout. 2. It may be very emotional and difficult to talk. If you have told the story on paper first she will have time to digest it and think it through. 3. It will give you time for yourself before putting you through more turmoil of a meeting. 4. It's much easier to explain difficult things on paper than face to face.

But please do contact her. Poor woman is obviously going through the same living hell as you.

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chubbymummy · 29/02/2008 21:45

That's a great idea little, it's so easy to forget things you want to say and end up kicking yourself afterwards. When you write it down and read it back you can put your side of thing across and can then add in things you realise you have forgotten to mention. You could also write down any questions you have for her, didn't she suspect anything either? has he had affairs in the past? does she want her children to be able to build a relationship with their half siblings?

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ShinyDysonHereICome · 29/02/2008 21:47

I do hope you're alright ALSW you haven't been on here for a little while could you check in with us to let us know you're alright?

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ladytophamhatt · 04/03/2008 11:34

ATSW,, I hope you'er ok....I've been thinking about you.

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Baffy · 04/03/2008 16:55

ATSW how are you doing? OK I hope?

Some really good advice here (kimi, chubby and littlegrey in particular).

I hope you're getting lots of RL support

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Kimi · 06/03/2008 09:58

How are you getting on ATSW

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Julezboo · 06/03/2008 13:33

How are you doing ATSW?

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candlelady · 06/03/2008 16:18

I've only just joined here and have read all the way through this thread. ATSW - how are you doing? I don't know you from Adam but feel such a kinship with you from your posts.

Did you meet his wife? How is your pregnancy going? Where is HE at now?

Please update!

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fridgemonkey · 06/03/2008 18:00

And another one....
Hope you are OK and you and the baby are both doing doing well.

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hifi · 06/03/2008 18:19

atsw, i have been following your story and so glad you are keeping your baby.

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almostthesecondwife · 07/03/2008 13:09

Hello. Sorry I haven't been back for a while, have been so caught up in everything that I haven't had time to come online. Thank you for all your supportive messages.

Well here's the update, last Saturday I travelled to London and met his wife. She was going there for some reason and asked if I would consider going to meet her as it was on nutral ground and nowhere near where either of us lives. She was actually very lovely which made me feel even more guilty about the hand I've had in the hurt she's been going through, even though I know I didn't consciously do anything wrong.

We had a long talk. She said that after she had spoken to her dh, he had told her everything pretty much in the same way as he'd told me, and that she no longer felt angry towards me, as she believes that I didn't know that he was married. She said she'd never suspected anything was going on as he'd always worked strange hours, in fact it had been the source of frequent arguments between them.

Strangely enough, dp has pretty much told us both the same, that he loved us both and just got drawn in and that there was never a good time and that he didn't want to lose either of us.

She has said that she's not sure as yet whether she wants her children to have a relationship with mine. As far as she is concerned the marriage is over and she has a lot to deal with still.

As for xp he's disappeared. I haven't heard from him since I had my scan, and his wife has said the same. neither of us knows where he is which is quite worrying as he's always maintained that he wanted to keep seeing his children, he begged me not to terminate this pregnancy in fact.

His wife has called the police and I believe he may now be considered to be a missing person, but the police have said that in the circumstances it's probably not surprising he's disappeared and will probably turn up in time.

I have told my friends and family in rl and they have been very supportive.

The pregnancy is going well and I'm trying to look forward now instead of back.

OP posts:
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Carmenere · 07/03/2008 13:11

You are awe inspiring ATSW. Well done and good for you for remaining calm and strong in the face of such adversity.

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ggglmpp · 07/03/2008 13:11

What a stupid fool he has been.

What a brilliant woman you are!

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jura · 07/03/2008 13:19

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