Guy I’m exclusively dating didn’t respond to my text for five hours and when he came back he didn’t tell me where he was. Is he cheating or am I being paranoid?

[Gloriousdays]

Hi everyone so I need a bit of advice and please tell me if you think I’m overanalysing or reading too much into this (I was cheated in my last relationship so please be kind to me) …. So me and this guy have been dating exclusively since January this year. He had told me that he didn’t want to date anyone else but me so I agreed to do the same ... So everything had been going well until today he had sent me a message and I responded around 5pm ( the time he finishes work) and that was the time he was last online (what’s app ) he didn’t respond to my message until 10pm ( 5 hours later ) and he didn’t explain or tell me why it took him so long to respond ( he usually does this ) I don’t know why but I feel weird about this …. In the last message (the one he sent me around 10pm) he had told me that he was feeling absolutely exhausted but I found out that he was like last online an hour later after that message ( I was sleeping when he sent me the last message so when I woke up to go to the bathroom I checked the message he had sent me and that’s how I found out when he was last online… This is very unusual for him to take this long to respond and not only that when he is busy or tied up with something he usually let me know in advance …what do you think he was up to ? I haven’t responded to his messages yet but I have this weird feeling that he might have been with another girl but maybe it’s just me being paranoid?! His behaviour today just seems odd and this has never happened before and also he disappeared after he had just finished work (around 5pm) and he didn’t even tell me where he was when he usually does ….I can’t help but have this weird feeling that he was with another girl and also I wanted to ask him where he was but without sounding crazy or clingy .. how do I ask him without sounding crazy?? … I have a lot thoughts going through my head right now … Please advice me on how to go on about this with him tomorrow morning, I really like this guy but I don’t want to be cheated on like the way I was in my last relationship … Thank you

You’ve been together for two months?

if, at any time in a relationship, someone wanted me to account for where I had been and counted the hours, I’d be gone.

it’s a red flag you’re waving here, OP. Please do work on healing.

he doesn’t need to account for where he’s been. People need to have lives.

maybe take up some absorbing fun thing that takes more of your brain space? I’m not being sarcastic or mean- it just could help with the stress If you’re highly focused on something else.

At what point does he have to explain his absence? Is it the 5 hour mark? 2 hours? an hour? Or with every txt?
i think you’re being way ott. If you don’t trust him leave. Get therapy. Don’t use and trauma from your last relationship to damage future ones.

With kindness, you are massively overthinking it and if you try to call him out on it you are going to appear absolutely insane.

5 hours is not a long time for adults, who have their own lives, to respond to a text message. He is entitled to stay online after saying goodnight to you also - he may have just wanted some time to decompress without having to answer to anyone. Sometimes after a long day the last thing I want is to speak to anyone - friends, family or partner. Anyone quizzing me about this would likely never receive a response again. He literally does not have to explain to you where he has been. He does not owe you a response within a timeframe you set.

Maybe seek therapy with regards to your previous trauma. You cannot drag the distrust into this relationship

I think you should break up with him and perhaps get some counselling. Your behaviour and reactions to things aren’t healthy. You don’t appear to be ready for a relationship.

Oh my god, you need to calm down!

You're mot ready to date op.

Surely the typical response would be oh no, how come you're so tired? What you been up to today?" or similar?

a lot of jumpy people on here
just casually mention how his night was to him tomorrow
dont try to text him too much let him do the chasing otherwise you will appear clingy
if you are dating why are you texting and not calling to say goodnight ? Still a new relationship it seems odd to me that communication is Just by text , you could have rang him
sometimes after work by time you shower , eat, watch telly / sort your stuff out time can fly
it’s common to feel anxious in a new rship after you have been cheated on
wether he tells you in advance he’s doing something hence can’t call you is irrelevant as he could still be cheating so what’s the difference if he doesn’t call or text back ?

you just have to trust him , after all that’s what u agreed to do when you agreed to a rship with him , stop worrying

I don't think you'll be seeing this guy for dust if he has any sense.

if you are dating why are you texting and not calling to say goodnight ? Still a new relationship it seems odd to me that communication is Just by text , you could have rang him

I have literally never rung anyone I was dating to say good night. Not once in my life. Or vice versa. I’d find it very strange if anyone did it to me.

I’m trying to be constructive in saying this; I think you may need therapy before starting another relationship. It’s not fair to let your issues caused by a previous relationship cause you to be controlling in the next.

You’ve been together 2 months. The one day he steps away from his phone for a bit, and admitted he’s exhausted, you conclude he might be with another girl? Also, you desire to have an explanation of his actions and whereabouts during a 5 hour period?

If I had a female friend in a relationship like this then I’d tell her to run. I don’t see why it should be any different when controlling behaviour starts with a woman.

If my husband (well before we were married I mean) or anyone else treated me the way you are I would not be with them for long

Your issues are not an excuse same way as a male who acted this way

Maybe he just didn't want to respond for 5 hours.

There doesn't need to be a reason.

My best mate of 20 years messaged methit, I still haven't responded. I don't feel like texting. I've been sat on arse watching TV all day.

I'll respond when i feel like it.
You've only been seeing this guy a few months. Does he have to talk to you every single day?
I'd find that smothering af personally.

*messaged me this morning.

If you were male the consensus would be to tell your girlfriend to run.

He doesn't have to explain what he's doing. And neither should you. At this stage you should be enjoying your time together with out expectations, it's very early days. If you are struggling to trust him maybe look at some counselling to help with this?

I haven’t dated for twenty years. I was pretty shocked to read that apparently you cannot go five hours without communicating with someone you have been dating for two months! Thankfully reassured by other posters that this is an abnormal response on your part OP. So what you do this morning is nothing, carry on as normal.

You have problems and need to fix them. I would never wonder why nobody replied within a time frame or why there online after I leave online etc. You sound freaky to me and I wouldn't want to go out with you tbh

It’s very strange, the expectation that people respond to texts immediately. In my experience calls require immediate responses, texts a few days, emails half a week or a week.

Take a deep breath @Gloriousdays and step back. You are over analysing and your previous relationship is colouring your reaction to this one. It's still early days and it's not necessary to account for his whereabouts at all times. If you wanted you could casually ask him in a neutral tone and with a bland question - personally I would leave it.

You have been with a cheater who probably had a pattern. This isn't a pattern it's a one off.

Paranoid and controlling.

You are being paranoid. You've been seeing him for a couple of months, he doesn't have to account for every hour of his day.

Wow and there was me wondering if I was overthinking when the last one I dated took 2/3 days to reply

Im sorry OP, I know you've been cheated on, but you sound very controlling.

You can't be this distrustful as it will wear your out. If he's going to cheat on you, he will, regardless of how long it takes him to reply to messages or how he "explains himself".

So all you have to do is assume he isn't cheating and enjoy your relationship.

Hmm, I dunno. A sudden change in behaviour is worthy of some thought.

Dating and getting to know someone is surely not supposed to be this stressful or such a mind scramble - mind you it’s been almost 18 years out of the process. It’s only been two months and neither one of you has a claim to the other one’s time and movements or needs to answer demands. I wouldn’t say anything and I also wouldn’t be worked up about a reply timescale. While you have had a partner cheat in the past your immediate analysis and thought processes indicate that you are not perhaps in a position to have a healthy relationship, at the moment, with good communication and clear expectations. This can be worked on. Due to your experience it sounds like you are second guessing this guy, putting unrealistic expectations upon the dating experience and not having much fun. As others have suggested it’s a good time to take a deep breath, step away from the messages and work on your stuff and past experiences. It was a good idea to reach out rather than confront him. I don’t reply to text’s immediately especially when I’m tired or engrossed in something or with a friend etc.. I certainly couldn’t be arsed checking to see if someone had been online. Might be worth investigating some therapy, relaxation or the like. It sounds like your thinking about this is all or nothing - no reply therefore he must be with someone/not interested/poor me it’s happening again etc.. Often things are what they are and people are tired, can’t be bothered to reply meaningfully or are busy. Stressing the small stuff and turning things into a catastrophe can’t be
helpful. Hope you find a resolution.