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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guy I’m exclusively dating didn’t respond to my text for five hours and when he came back he didn’t tell me where he was. Is he cheating or am I being paranoid?

133 replies

Gloriousdays · 23/03/2023 00:58

Hi everyone so I need a bit of advice and please tell me if you think I’m overanalysing or reading too much into this (I was cheated in my last relationship so please be kind to me) …. So me and this guy have been dating exclusively since January this year. He had told me that he didn’t want to date anyone else but me so I agreed to do the same ... So everything had been going well until today he had sent me a message and I responded around 5pm ( the time he finishes work) and that was the time he was last online (what’s app ) he didn’t respond to my message until 10pm ( 5 hours later ) and he didn’t explain or tell me why it took him so long to respond ( he usually does this ) I don’t know why but I feel weird about this …. In the last message (the one he sent me around 10pm) he had told me that he was feeling absolutely exhausted but I found out that he was like last online an hour later after that message ( I was sleeping when he sent me the last message so when I woke up to go to the bathroom I checked the message he had sent me and that’s how I found out when he was last online… This is very unusual for him to take this long to respond and not only that when he is busy or tied up with something he usually let me know in advance …what do you think he was up to ? I haven’t responded to his messages yet but I have this weird feeling that he might have been with another girl but maybe it’s just me being paranoid?! His behaviour today just seems odd and this has never happened before and also he disappeared after he had just finished work (around 5pm) and he didn’t even tell me where he was when he usually does ….I can’t help but have this weird feeling that he was with another girl and also I wanted to ask him where he was but without sounding crazy or clingy .. how do I ask him without sounding crazy?? … I have a lot thoughts going through my head right now … Please advice me on how to go on about this with him tomorrow morning, I really like this guy but I don’t want to be cheated on like the way I was in my last relationship … Thank you

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 23/03/2023 08:56

You sound controlling

Tealsofa · 23/03/2023 08:59

he had sent me a message and I responded around 5pm ( the time he finishes work) and that was the time he was last online (what’s app ) he didn’t respond to my message until 10pm ( 5 hours later) ....... I haven’t responded to his messages yet

bloody hell - back off and cut him loose let him date someone with less red flags and work on yourself

Alwayswonderedwhy · 23/03/2023 08:59

If I was him I'd run a mile. You sound obsessive.

saraclara · 23/03/2023 09:05

This is the curse of the 21st century. Just because you can be in contact 24/7 it doesn’t mean you have to be

That. I'm often stunned by how many mumsnetters are constantly in touch with their other halves through their working day!

I'm at addicted to the internet as the next person, but I also like my privacy and freedom to do what I like. And it never occurred to me and my DH to be in touch when we were at work, or to be messaging while we were out doing our own thing ( urgent organisational stuff apart)

It does seem that messaging is making people anxious and insecure.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2023 09:16

I think there is often a gradual decline in the whole constant contact thing in early relationships, but I would consider the possibility that he might be becoming wary of it.

In an established relationship it's perfectly normal to not be in constant contact. I might not reply to my DP for that long just because I'm watching something on Netflix, napping, or frankly can't be bothered yet. It means nothing. If you think his behaviour has been off he might well be starting to tire of the feeling of needing to tell you exactly where he's been at all times, or you might be reading too much into it and he might just be naturally moving away from that stage in your relationship.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 23/03/2023 09:17

Further to my previous. I am a student and a single mum to a child with disabilities. Therefore, I have WhatsApp on both my phone and laptop, so if her school need to contact me urgently and I don't answer, a family member who then answers to them can let me know easily during a lecture or if I'm in the library with my phone away. It is ALWAYS open when my laptop is on away from home, as if I'm on the laptop I'm unlikely to take a call.

My point is, it constantly shows me as online, whether I actually look at my recieved messages or not. It's just as likely the man that you're stalking could have simply opened a laptop and it shows him as online. You've given me food for thought though and my last seen will now be off. Could do without being stalked myself.

icelollycraving · 23/03/2023 09:19

The more we can be available online, the more some people expect us to be.
I’d probably overthink like this if I’d been hurt and not healed before entering a new relationship. It doesn’t matter if everyone says you’re being unreasonable to consider why he hasn’t replied/ been online/ whatever, it seems unlikely you’ll be able to stop tracking his behaviour.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is to turn off last seen on WhatsApp and messenger. If he’s seeing someone else, better now than months in. Try to unclench a bit if you can.
I was v clingy with boyfriends when I was dating before o was married, it NEVER did me any good. I was so desperate to be loved, that I’d be irrational and emotional. Had I been able to look at stuff like ‘last seen’ I would have driven myself absolutely bonkers.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/03/2023 09:19

barmycatmum · 23/03/2023 01:02

You’ve been together for two months?

if, at any time in a relationship, someone wanted me to account for where I had been and counted the hours, I’d be gone.

it’s a red flag you’re waving here, OP. Please do work on healing.

he doesn’t need to account for where he’s been. People need to have lives.

maybe take up some absorbing fun thing that takes more of your brain space? I’m not being sarcastic or mean- it just could help with the stress If you’re highly focused on something else.

Agree. This guy needs to run for the hills.

butterfliedtwo · 23/03/2023 09:22

This is the curse of the 21st century. Just because you can be in contact 24/7 it doesn’t mean you have to be

Exactly.

tootiredtoocare · 23/03/2023 09:25

You're going to kill your relationship by being too controlling and possessive. You've only been together two months and you want to check where he is every moment. That's more than possessive, it's dangerous for your own mental health. I think you need to seek counselling to support you through the hurt you experienced in your last relationship before you start another one.

Alishaattic · 23/03/2023 09:51

Massively overthinking and with kindness you sound very controlling.

Poor guy.

McSlowburn · 23/03/2023 10:10

The OP hasn't confronted her BF precisely because she doesn't want him to know she's paranoid, which is why she's posting on here.

OP I think it does unfortunately sound a little suspicious, but I think the best thing you can do is ignore it for now and whatever you do don't be clingy.

I've seen some quite beautiful women very quickly lose formerly infatuated partners in the early stages of a relationship because they were too needy and controlling.

feathermucker · 23/03/2023 10:18

You don't sound ready for a relationship. This level of obsessive checking when he was last online etc isn't healthy for either of you.

There are obviously reasons why you feel the way you do due to your last relationship. With kindness, maybe you should work on your self esteem and anxiety so you feel less worried and are able to find ways to distract yourself etc.

bizzywiththefizzy · 23/03/2023 10:44

This sounds so suffocating , I have been married many years and neither of us has to 'report' where we have been .
You need to work on yourself else you will lose him .

Dj2020 · 23/03/2023 10:48

I think you may be over thinking this especially having been cheated on in the past. I will say though I can see your point if it's out of character since you met him. I'd see how it goes and forget this time but I'd have questions if it's happening more.

HoneyPotBee · 23/03/2023 11:02

One of you needs to get out of this relationship .

Hbh17 · 23/03/2023 11:15

Lord help us, if I were him I would run a mile! 5 hours to reply is nothing and you have no right, or reason, to know where he was.
He is a competent adult, as are you, and you both need time apart as well as together. Even long-married people give each other plenty of space - it's normal.

Livelifelaughter · 23/03/2023 11:56

saraclara · 23/03/2023 09:05

This is the curse of the 21st century. Just because you can be in contact 24/7 it doesn’t mean you have to be

That. I'm often stunned by how many mumsnetters are constantly in touch with their other halves through their working day!

I'm at addicted to the internet as the next person, but I also like my privacy and freedom to do what I like. And it never occurred to me and my DH to be in touch when we were at work, or to be messaging while we were out doing our own thing ( urgent organisational stuff apart)

It does seem that messaging is making people anxious and insecure.

Completely agree. I am in an 8 months old relationship, much more anxiety around messages etc. Last relationship before WhatsApp was much more relaxed.
OP don't worry or over think it, and please don't ask.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 12:03

You've known a man for 8 weeks, & you go into paranoid overdrive about him taking 5 hours for himself, & you expect him to explain or tell me why it took him so long to respond ?

If the sexes were reversed here, PP would be shouting "coercive control! LTB!"

As it is, I am telling you that your attitude is extremely controlling & oppressive, & that you have no rights to interrogate people like you intend to.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 12:08

(I was cheated in my last relationship so please be kind to me)

No.

You need therapy to heal from the damage of being cheated on.
Demanding that other people change the way they are to accommodate you is a big part of your problem.

You are not going to be happy if you continue on the path you have set for yourself of justifying your micromanaging attitude & demands that your b/f justifies every hour he is not spending in your presence, by deciding that it's up to him to compensate you for the behaviour of your ex.

If you cannot see this, you are not ready for dating, & should exit this relationship before you make both of you utterly miserable.

I am sorry your ex was a cheating bastard.
Get some therapy to help you process it & move past it, instead of making outrageous demands on your new b/f.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 12:09

Please advice me on how to go on about this with him tomorrow morning

If you go on about this, he will think you are insane, insecure, & possibly more bother than the new relationship is worth.

saraclara · 23/03/2023 12:11

If the sexes were reversed here, PP would be shouting "coercive control! LTB!"

Absolutely. The minority of people on this thread who are saying 'poor thing, it's understandable because you were badly hurt before' wouldn't give a man that leeway.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/03/2023 12:23

This is mental. You shouldn't be worrying about stuff like that 2 months in. (Not that it sounds like he's done anything wrong).

You could have easily replied to him and said "how was your evening?" And I'm sure he would have said something about what he had done but you already have it in your head that he could be cheating if he doesn't reply for a few hours.

And just because he's 'exhausted' it doesn't mean he has to sleep as soon as he texts you, maybe he just wanted to chill out for a bit, hence being online again an hour later.

You've been seeing him for 2 months. I think you should bin it off and get help. This isn't a normal way of thinking.

Livelifelaughter · 23/03/2023 12:29

Just thinking a bit more. You might have a style of explaining things such as "sorry didn't have time to respond earlier I was at the gym etc" but he might not have the same style. Honestly my bf has a tendancy to just say "am meeting a friend for a drink" whereas I am " am.meeting my friend x, we used to work together" ...I honestly think men communicate quite poorly compared to women. If you're worried just say " How was your evening etc" .

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 23/03/2023 12:30

How did people manage to stay together before being able to check if their partner was online or not speaking to each other for a few hours!? 😅