Guy I’m exclusively dating didn’t respond to my text for five hours and when he came back he didn’t tell me where he was. Is he cheating or am I being paranoid?

[Gloriousdays]

Hi everyone so I need a bit of advice and please tell me if you think I’m overanalysing or reading too much into this (I was cheated in my last relationship so please be kind to me) …. So me and this guy have been dating exclusively since January this year. He had told me that he didn’t want to date anyone else but me so I agreed to do the same ... So everything had been going well until today he had sent me a message and I responded around 5pm ( the time he finishes work) and that was the time he was last online (what’s app ) he didn’t respond to my message until 10pm ( 5 hours later ) and he didn’t explain or tell me why it took him so long to respond ( he usually does this ) I don’t know why but I feel weird about this …. In the last message (the one he sent me around 10pm) he had told me that he was feeling absolutely exhausted but I found out that he was like last online an hour later after that message ( I was sleeping when he sent me the last message so when I woke up to go to the bathroom I checked the message he had sent me and that’s how I found out when he was last online… This is very unusual for him to take this long to respond and not only that when he is busy or tied up with something he usually let me know in advance …what do you think he was up to ? I haven’t responded to his messages yet but I have this weird feeling that he might have been with another girl but maybe it’s just me being paranoid?! His behaviour today just seems odd and this has never happened before and also he disappeared after he had just finished work (around 5pm) and he didn’t even tell me where he was when he usually does ….I can’t help but have this weird feeling that he was with another girl and also I wanted to ask him where he was but without sounding crazy or clingy .. how do I ask him without sounding crazy?? … I have a lot thoughts going through my head right now … Please advice me on how to go on about this with him tomorrow morning, I really like this guy but I don’t want to be cheated on like the way I was in my last relationship … Thank you

If anyone ever recorded or made a note of how long I took to respond to a text, and when I was last one line, that would be the end of all contact with them ever, straight away

You don't want him to think you're crazy or clingy? I'm really sorry, but you are. You're literally expecting him to constantly tell you his life story, this reads like a young teenager wrote it.

Also, please don't use the aul speel 'I've been cheated on' as an excuse for this behaviour. I've been cheated on in two long term relationships, it didn't mean I suffocated every man afterwards. He is probably sick of having his head melted and trying to back off, and quite frankly I wouldn't blame him.

Honestly, as a one off incident I'd probably assume he'd got in from work and been tired, maybe nodded off on the sofa, unless there was a back story. DP has certainly done that a few times when we were dating. I would usually however have expected a call in the evening and one at bedtime when we lived apart, just because that was our usual pattern on days we weren't seeing each other.

Mate. Get a grip

Are you actually serious OP??? 😨

I'm embarrassed for you! 😳

You say he was last on an hour after he texted you but maybe it was something as simple as someone texted him and he read the message. Tired people can still do that. It’s not like he said he was floored with the flu.

I’m sorry that you were cheated on and it does seem to be affecting this relationship.

Oh come on. 5hrs? My boyfriend doesn’t reply for 1-2 days sometimes, and he’s been online multiple times I’m sure. We are only 4 months in, you’re way less. You’re crazy if you’re going to ask him where he was because he didn’t reply to you. He’s already told you he’s exhausted, maybe he just wanted some time out. So what if he replied to other messages to other people in that time. He’s going to think you’re mad yes if you accuse him of cheating because of a delayed reply.

Do you never want a few hours to yourself to unwind?

This is blunt but i dont know how else to say it - You are not ready for a relationship right now

You're bringing paranoia and anxiety in to this situation, but I dont think noticing a change in behaviour is unusual. Especially not in the tinderland of dating. I noticed one man I dated....never really texted after about 6pm, occasionally would so i wasn't sure if I was being paranoid, but it niggled at me...is it controlling that I noticed this pattern pretty early doors? It turned out my spider senses were right and he wasn't properly separated. I might have been wrong obviously.

You're right to trust your senses but dial it right down. Its worth noticing, but this on its own isn't a reason to assume anything. I agree with pp that counselling or something might help with your anxiety?

You’re being incredibly paranoid, he doesn’t have to account for every hour of his day.

I think i disagree with the majority on here.
I online dated EXTENSIVELY.

What i would say is I know the "why arent they messaging" feeling well and often had thought patterns similar to what you describe.
Which is basically feelings of insecurity.

When i met my husband I had recently come out of a carcrash of a relationship (lovebombed by an emotionally unavailable divorcé who messed me around horribly ) and so if anything should have been ultra "clingy" once we started dating... yet i NEVER had the "why hasnt he texted" feeling even if he read a message and didnt respond immediately i wasnt stressed or anxious and "knew" he was busy and would respond when he could. Because i was secure in his feelings for me. I was never wondering how he felt or is he liked me or if what i said was weird. I just knew.

This.

If anyone expected me to check in every few hours I'd be gone. For Christ's sake, you sound paranoid. (and I've been cheated on so I know how it feels).

This whole, self-centred tracking people online puts me off ever dating again.

My phone is often out of power, at the bottom of my bag. I'll go for a run, soak in a bath, cook a meal, read a book. I can go whole evenings and not look at my phone.

I have a life, interests, hobbies. Maybe you need some too!

Oh my goodness you’re going to drive yourself crazy analysing his movements like this . He doesn’t have to account for every waking moment
Trust until you have a valid reason not to and give yourself (& him ) a break !

Op it's sounds tough having that kind of anxiety in a new relationship. Do you think getting help to address the paranoia could be an option?

If I was this guy and knew how you were feeling I would run for the hills. You seriously need to chill out. Just because you are dating he is under no obligation to explain his whereabouts to you. I wouldn’t expect dh to explain his whereabouts to me on this scale and we’ve been a ride 20 years!

Get a grip and chill

The other night I went to bed at 6.30pm as I felt unwell, I woke at 2.30am and messaged the guy I am dating as he'd messaged while I was asleep. He was concerned as we usually have an evening messaging exchange but I'd been to ill to even message to say I was going to bed.
Luckily he was on a nightshift so we messaged at 2.30am instead.

Try not to overthink it.
If you don't trust him let him go and work on yourself.
A partner should enhance your life and not be your life.

I get it OP. In a new relationship there is siesta a time when people seem to cool off a little when the initial high wears off and they don't feel the need for so much contact or to reply so quickly or to tell you the minutiae of their day. If you are anxious in relationships this is very difficult to deal with and tends to make people appear clingy and needy as they try to get back that initial first few weeks high feeling. It can feel very confusing. Being cheated on adds to that.
With kindness I agree that you aren't ready to date and should take time and space to work through the feelings you have around being cheated on.
Did this guy love bomb you at all? Lots of attention and possibly declarations of love early on then a change in behaviour is horribly familiar. I would suggest the Freedom program as part of working through your feelings about the prior break up. I'm not saying you're in an abusive relationship now, I think everyone should do the course to know what is and isn't normal.
Let this guy go and take time for you

I think it's best you take some time for yourself, it's not fair on him to continue this at this stage.

I do think you're massively other thinking, but I also disagree with the posters dismissing the 5 hours. You know your friends/partners phone style and if it feels off just ask him, although I think you may have left it a little too late to drop it in casually now.

I have to agree with everyone else.
If anyone, ever, in a relationship expected me to account for where I was and what I was doing every two minutes, the relationship would be over.
If someone I'd been seeing for 2 months did that, it would never get off the ground.

If I were him I’d be running for the hills. Sorry, but you don’t seem ready to be in a relationship at the moment, and sound like hard work.

Massive overreaction on your part.

It's not normal for you to want this much control over him, I'm afraid.
You would benefit from getting some support with your anxiety.
This behaviour of yours is very likely to put him off - quite reasonably so.