Guy I’m exclusively dating didn’t respond to my text for five hours and when he came back he didn’t tell me where he was. Is he cheating or am I being paranoid?

[Gloriousdays]

Hi everyone so I need a bit of advice and please tell me if you think I’m overanalysing or reading too much into this (I was cheated in my last relationship so please be kind to me) …. So me and this guy have been dating exclusively since January this year. He had told me that he didn’t want to date anyone else but me so I agreed to do the same ... So everything had been going well until today he had sent me a message and I responded around 5pm ( the time he finishes work) and that was the time he was last online (what’s app ) he didn’t respond to my message until 10pm ( 5 hours later ) and he didn’t explain or tell me why it took him so long to respond ( he usually does this ) I don’t know why but I feel weird about this …. In the last message (the one he sent me around 10pm) he had told me that he was feeling absolutely exhausted but I found out that he was like last online an hour later after that message ( I was sleeping when he sent me the last message so when I woke up to go to the bathroom I checked the message he had sent me and that’s how I found out when he was last online… This is very unusual for him to take this long to respond and not only that when he is busy or tied up with something he usually let me know in advance …what do you think he was up to ? I haven’t responded to his messages yet but I have this weird feeling that he might have been with another girl but maybe it’s just me being paranoid?! His behaviour today just seems odd and this has never happened before and also he disappeared after he had just finished work (around 5pm) and he didn’t even tell me where he was when he usually does ….I can’t help but have this weird feeling that he was with another girl and also I wanted to ask him where he was but without sounding crazy or clingy .. how do I ask him without sounding crazy?? … I have a lot thoughts going through my head right now … Please advice me on how to go on about this with him tomorrow morning, I really like this guy but I don’t want to be cheated on like the way I was in my last relationship … Thank you

Goodness me.
Words fail

So you’ve dumped him then? Don’t waste any more of your time

You need help. You've been dating for 2 months, you're going to end up being the insecure controlling partner that acts like a surveillance camera instead of a partner. You'll be looking through his phone next. Let him go and get some therapy before getting into another relationship.

I am sorry OP. You understandably must feel so upset. I think this person has the potential to hurt you again I am afraid. One thing I really hate about men is when they think honesty gets them off the hook. Honestly, he would have been better to say that he had a drink with a friend , if he genuinely wanted to be in your relationship. I say this with kindness and hopefully some compassion, I think he was testing the water to see how he felt about this other lady. Please try and seek comfort in your friends and break contact with this man.Hugs.

This is confirmation that the world has gone mad! If you want someone to respond instantly, use the phone! Text messages and emails are responded to as and when.

I’m sorry that your worst fear has been realised. He clearly wasn’t the sort of man you thought he was.

But… I think there are several things to unpick here.

1. this is clearly not the relationship for you. He’s clearly not feeling it because no one decided to go on dates with new people 2 months in unless they have decided the relationship doesn’t have legs. It’s shit that he didn’t just tell you this before deciding it wasn’t exclusive unilaterally.
2. i think you need to be wary of generalising from this and reinforcing the thought pattern that you need to keep checking in and being vigilant to protect against almost inevitable cheating. Ultimately that won’t help you.
3. counselling to help you to reframe your approach to relationships would probably be useful for you. Things to explore might be to what extent you are (unconsciously) choosing people who are less committed to being with only you than you would like, how your ways of being with someone might exacerbate this, what you actually want and need in a relationship, how to pick people who could offer this and how to be able to trust that’s the case.
4. none of the above in any way means you are responsible for any of what’s happened - it’s about equipping yourself to better avoid men like this and feeling more like you’re steering your own (relation)ships.

OP, I actually empathise with how you're feeling and don't think being insecure means you march yourself off to therapy before you date again. If only emotionally resilient/perfect people should get into relationships, more than half the world would be single!

Having said that, I don't think you should worry. Honestly, as men get more comfortable and secure in relationships, texting can die off to a more manageable/normal amount - because they're not trying to impress you anymore. If he hadn't messaged you all day then yes, you could wonder what he was upto. But he was at work, and messaged you 5 hours later is all. He could have been exhausted from work and not wanting a chat (knowing if he responded, you would too and that would start a convo). He could have gone to the gym or been busy doing chores.

A much healthier response to him would have been to empathise with his tiredness and asked how his day was, how come he was feeling tired. Not to overanalyse it. Don't immediately jump to worst case scenario - that way madness lies. Instead give partners the benefit of the doubt UNTIL they do something untrustworthy. So far he's been a good bf right? No concerns? So trust that he's not cheating and not responding for a few hours isn't indicative of anything bad. If you treat him like he's cheating or always questioning his movements/actions and needing re-assurance - he will get tired, no matter how much he likes you.

Don't ignore all intuition and instinct obviously - but wait till you can see actual evidence before assuming the worst. And what he's done is not evidence of anything bad.

Ignore everything I said - didn't read your latest update.

Obviously break up with him now.