Guy I’m exclusively dating didn’t respond to my text for five hours and when he came back he didn’t tell me where he was. Is he cheating or am I being paranoid?

[Gloriousdays]

Hi everyone so I need a bit of advice and please tell me if you think I’m overanalysing or reading too much into this (I was cheated in my last relationship so please be kind to me) …. So me and this guy have been dating exclusively since January this year. He had told me that he didn’t want to date anyone else but me so I agreed to do the same ... So everything had been going well until today he had sent me a message and I responded around 5pm ( the time he finishes work) and that was the time he was last online (what’s app ) he didn’t respond to my message until 10pm ( 5 hours later ) and he didn’t explain or tell me why it took him so long to respond ( he usually does this ) I don’t know why but I feel weird about this …. In the last message (the one he sent me around 10pm) he had told me that he was feeling absolutely exhausted but I found out that he was like last online an hour later after that message ( I was sleeping when he sent me the last message so when I woke up to go to the bathroom I checked the message he had sent me and that’s how I found out when he was last online… This is very unusual for him to take this long to respond and not only that when he is busy or tied up with something he usually let me know in advance …what do you think he was up to ? I haven’t responded to his messages yet but I have this weird feeling that he might have been with another girl but maybe it’s just me being paranoid?! His behaviour today just seems odd and this has never happened before and also he disappeared after he had just finished work (around 5pm) and he didn’t even tell me where he was when he usually does ….I can’t help but have this weird feeling that he was with another girl and also I wanted to ask him where he was but without sounding crazy or clingy .. how do I ask him without sounding crazy?? … I have a lot thoughts going through my head right now … Please advice me on how to go on about this with him tomorrow morning, I really like this guy but I don’t want to be cheated on like the way I was in my last relationship … Thank you

I agree with everyone else. You sound like very hard work and clearly need to get some counselling to help you function healthily in a relationship.

i find myself wanting to tell the poor guy to turn off last seen on WhatsApp. If you’re generally tracking him and expecting explanations for non-immediate replies, he’s likely to feel monitored and controlled.

Don’t ask him what he was doing or who he was with.

Well it's fine to say how was your evening

You're paranoid.

Absolutely exhausted could mean crawling into bed with tv or a book, picking up phone to set alarm, seeing alert and just reading it to check if it was urgent, or suddenly remembering he never said yes to giving someone a lift in the morning, or whatever. It doesn’t mean he was lying to you.

Please go to therapy.

You should not be in a relationship if this is appropriate behaviour in a relationship, never mind a relationship that is only 2 months old.

Resolve your issues first. Otherwise you will end up in an unhealthy unhappy relationship until you do.

You are being controlling and paranoid. If you don't trust at all then you are doomed to fail in a relationship.

After two months he doesn't owe you a running commentary of what he is doing every day.

It sounds like you have issues with trust after being cheated on.

I would hate being with someone who expect constant contact and for me to justify where I have been and who I had seen. It just sounds controlling and insecure.

So take your time to get other your bad relationship experience and don't invest too much too soon into this man.

Honestly mate, I havent RTFT but I dont think you are ready to date anyone yet. If someone didnt text me back after work for ages I would just assume they had gone shopping/gone to the gym/fell asleep/whatever before I even considered they might be with someone else. I am in a relationship with someone very controlling (he previously specified a 3 minute window in which to reply to messages - dont ask - am working on leaving but its not that straight forward), and all it does when someone is controlling is push people away.

Your issues are yours to deal with and not to be projected onto him.

I personally think your more likely to find if he was up to something, he’d have made an excuse for his absence.

The fact he hasn’t suggests like everyone else has said. He was simply tired and wanted an evening away from his phone.

I dont think you're paranoid. I think you've been hurt before, and because you haven't healed from that, you're looking for the same to happen again.

Of course, your current man could be unfaithful, or do anything. You don't know him at all. And even if you did know him..... no one shows you all of who they are. Not ever.

Take some time, get some help to learn and heal you.

This has really struck a cord with me.

I am with someone that did the same to me. He checked dates and times I'm online and in the early days tried to suggest I was hooking up with friends of his which were also online at the same time. I was stupid and didn't see the red flag, he was a long term friend and I just felt he had been hurt by a previous relationship and needed reassurance. Roll on 2 years and it has not been easy, he lies about the most stupid stuff and about important stuff too. In writing this I can see I feel trapped by my own insecurities about being alone. He is now getting some help but I feel the damage has been done to me as a person. I was strong and confident, I am now not feeling either. I love him but I absolutely hate the controlling behaviour of having to explain where I have been and having my phone monitored.

OP I would seriously get some help and wait to be in a proper relationship, please don't think monitoring someone 24/7 is going to stop them cheating, if anything it will make them want to get away. I talk here from very personal experience. Sorry if its not the news you want.

Honestly, he needs to run. Presumably he has a life outside of the relationship with you? I wouldn't be explaining to anyone why I didn't pick up my phone for five hours.

I met my DH before WhatsApp and texting. Actually before mobile phones were cheap enough for everyone.
It was simpler. I’m sure it’s fine. Try not to stress about it.

It sounds like you need some serious therapy before you’re ready to be with anyone

Maybe he went to the gym after work? Shopping, out for dinner, or to the cinema?

Or maybe he felt tired after a lousy day and just chilled out by himself without constantly checking his phone?

It would be… except the OP is already in checking for cheating mode. So it would probably not stay the neutral question or ordinarily would.

Right now, recognising that she’s not approaching this rationally and just not asking will be better.

maybe it’s just me being paranoid?! um, sorry, yes.
It is not sustainable to explain to your other half (and you are just in early stages of dating) every single time why you responded 5 hours later and not immediately. You need to relax and handle your anxiety. Otherwise that will kill even the best relationship. You need to learn to trust the process and not drive yourself crazy!

I wanted to ask him where he was but without sounding crazy or clingy .. how do I ask him without sounding crazy??

You can’t, and if you did you wouldn’t just sound crazy, but would be crazy.

Essentially, the person you are seeing didn’t respond to your text for several hours and didn’t give a blow by blow account of their movements. This is normal and no one in a normal relationship would blink an eye at this. If I was him, I would run fast for the hills and not look back.

Even if he went missing for 5 days , why should you care at this stage? Go live your life and enjoy it, and don’t even cast a thought to him. If he wants to be part of your life, then ok but stop chasing him and trying to catch him out like a detective.

you can’t go around being suspicious all the time, you will ruin every relationship. Think about it, if you are correct you are miserable and if you are incorrect you are miserable. You can’t get into a relationship in your current mindset.

take a break and get happy yourself again. Sorry you were cheated on previously, but you can’t punish this man for that. All the best.

I've had these feelings and am surprised how many people haven't! It was the first couple of people I dated after I had been widowed, they weren't right for me hence the over thinking. Then I met my fella and it all just felt right, even if I didn't hear off him etc. maybe he's just not the one for you and you need some more time to heal x

If I was your boyfriend and you challenged me on this, the relationship would be over.

Seriously, he's his own person. He has his own life. He doesn't have to provide you with his minute by minute schedule. If he wants to watch TV, read a book, go to the pub, chill out, he can. He doesn't have to respond to massagers, he doesn't have to give an account of himself. You're not his employer.

You sound suffocating.

Whether he was up to something or not, there’s nothing you can do about it. If he wants to be with you he will and if he doesn’t then in time you will find out.
When you can learn to let go of trying to control something you have no control over life will feel less stressful.
Turn off the setting on wattsapp that lets you see last seen / delivered / online etc. It will help you to stop being so controlling / creepy about people’s online status.

You really, really need to stop obsessing about this level of detail.

My OH is showing as "on-line" at the moment.

He is on a work call in his study and I can hear him having his team meeting.

His phone is sitting on the chair next to me.

This is the curse of the 21st century. Just because you can be in contact 24/7 it doesn’t mean you have to be. My parents lived in different cities, communicated by letter and saw each other for 36 hours once a month. Those of us who were dating before mobile phones know that we used to go all day without being in contact with our loved ones. Building a relationship is about trust.

This. So many red flags. The guy should run for the hills.