Guy I’m exclusively dating didn’t respond to my text for five hours and when he came back he didn’t tell me where he was. Is he cheating or am I being paranoid?

[Gloriousdays]

Hi everyone so I need a bit of advice and please tell me if you think I’m overanalysing or reading too much into this (I was cheated in my last relationship so please be kind to me) …. So me and this guy have been dating exclusively since January this year. He had told me that he didn’t want to date anyone else but me so I agreed to do the same ... So everything had been going well until today he had sent me a message and I responded around 5pm ( the time he finishes work) and that was the time he was last online (what’s app ) he didn’t respond to my message until 10pm ( 5 hours later ) and he didn’t explain or tell me why it took him so long to respond ( he usually does this ) I don’t know why but I feel weird about this …. In the last message (the one he sent me around 10pm) he had told me that he was feeling absolutely exhausted but I found out that he was like last online an hour later after that message ( I was sleeping when he sent me the last message so when I woke up to go to the bathroom I checked the message he had sent me and that’s how I found out when he was last online… This is very unusual for him to take this long to respond and not only that when he is busy or tied up with something he usually let me know in advance …what do you think he was up to ? I haven’t responded to his messages yet but I have this weird feeling that he might have been with another girl but maybe it’s just me being paranoid?! His behaviour today just seems odd and this has never happened before and also he disappeared after he had just finished work (around 5pm) and he didn’t even tell me where he was when he usually does ….I can’t help but have this weird feeling that he was with another girl and also I wanted to ask him where he was but without sounding crazy or clingy .. how do I ask him without sounding crazy?? … I have a lot thoughts going through my head right now … Please advice me on how to go on about this with him tomorrow morning, I really like this guy but I don’t want to be cheated on like the way I was in my last relationship … Thank you

Ahh OP. I've been there, its awful isn't it? The anxious text checking and worrying about whats gone wrong. It's not healthy or normal.
You need to take a step back. You've been seeing this man for a couple of months. He's entitled to see friends or whatever for a few hours. You need to recognise this is a you issue, separate from him. He could have been doing anything but after a couple of months, you're stressing about it to the point you're posting online. What is it you need to work on? What can you do to address your thought patterns? You need to be ok with or without him especially at this very early stage.

In the kindest possible way, I don't think you're in the right place for a relationship at the moment OP. You've been going out for 2 months, he really doesn't have to account for where he is.

He could have been having a nap, he could have been watching crap on the TV, he could have been down the pub, he could simply have been in his house in a bad mood and not in the mood to talk to you. Not a one of these things is something he has to tell you about.

I actually disagree with most on here. Its out of character for him not to message you back. And OP didn't say she needs a reply immediately, but it was 5 hours later when he did respond with no explanation and just saying he is tired. Of course thats going to raise a little concern if its not something that usualy happens. especially gievn OPs background of her last relationship.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't be in a relationship, OP, or that you are oddly clingly or whatever. when you see him, ask how his evening was and hopefully he'll give you a normal answer like any normal person would - went out for drinks after work, lost track of time, whatever.

In an exclusive relationship its not odd to want to know your partner is ok, no matter how long that relationship has been going on for. Op is not demanding he tells her where he is every second, but this 5 hour dissapearance when normally he'd let her know if out of character. Some people need a little more reassurance than others, especially after a relationship where they were cheated on or dismissed. Thats something OP needs to work on, but also he needs to take into account if he wants to be in a realtionship with OP. It does not mean OP is controlling or clingy, it just means she needs to be with someone who is willing to help her with this a little, not someone who just does what they want , when they want and refuses to acknowledge thats not ok for their partner at times. Some people are fine with this, others aren't. Neither are wrong.

I'd just wait and see OP. Might be he is a bit flaky or hadn't considered you'd be worrying. Just tell him you were a bit concerned you hadn't heard from him and leave it there. Then he knows and if he continues to make a habit of it then its up to you whether this is someone you want to be with. A quick text takes seconds. If he is really wanting to make this work with you he will consider this minor concern of yours and reassure you.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't be in a relationship, OP, or that you are oddly clingly or whatever

People who instantly jump to the conclusion that their partner is cheating on them because they haven't heard from them for 5 hours really should not be in relationships.

No one should be deemed 'a bit flaky' because they don't reply for 5 hours. People have lives.

I'd just wait and see OP. Might be he is a bit flaky or hadn't considered you'd be worrying. Just tell him you were a bit concerned you hadn't heard from him and leave it there. Then he knows and if he continues to make a habit of it then its up to you whether this is someone you want to be with. A quick text takes seconds. If he is really wanting to make this work with you he will consider this minor concern of yours and reassure you.

wow. Flaky? If my DH wanted me to return texts within 5hrs and let him know where I’d been, what I’d been doing in that 5hrs, I’d bin him in a second. And we’ve been married decades. No way is this normal. It’s abusive. Only time we’d expect the other to respond quickly is if someone messaged to say there had been an emergency with one of the kids or similar and then we’d ring and text.

I think this makes sense and is good advice. We always talk each day but every now and then I call my bf and he doesn't pick up or call. I explained to him that I really care about him and if I don't hear from him then it makes me anxious so could he just drop me a line if he's returned home late and is too tired to call just so I know he's okay.

How long have you been with this person? And have you historically had healthy relationships?

I can't decide if you're the OP, or another controlling person but it is not acceptable behaviour from any person, male or female to expect anyone to give a rundown of where they are all the time. My ex did that, it developed into domestic abuse. And I'm not alone in that. The fact she said she didn't reply and then gave off because he didn't hours later also suggests game playing to me. I've got things in my fridge longer than the duration of this supposed exclusive relationship.

Re 5 hours. 2 months in, it's hard to say anything about a relationship or typical patterns of behaviour. But for e.g. me and dp (3 years) I dont think have ever gone 5 hours without replying, maybe if we text quite late at night and the other fell asleep, or one of us was on a night out or something. 5 hours at a regular time I'd start to wonder if he was alright and I'm pretty sure vice versa. We just tend to be pretty prompt communicators in general so....I dont think 5 hours per se is the problem. Someone upthread said they might not hear from their bf for a couple of days...in my relationship I'd be sending out a search party and calling the hospital. In hers, it's just normal.

I don't think 5 hours is very long at all. He was probably just busy/ distracted/ tired. This is not the same as someone going awol for days at a time (which I think IS a red flag.)
It sounds like you are feeling a bit anxious about the relationship, and dating can bring out insecurities in pretty much everyone. Had you ever tried CBT for anxious thoughts? I suggest that because this was exactly the type of thing that would make me super anxious in my 20s and I did a short course or CBT which was really helpful and still helps me today!

Hi everyone so I spoke to my guy and he told me that he went on a date with a girl from his office . Apparently she asked him out and he agreed to go on a date so my instinct were right all along and I wasn’t being paranoid after all ( I just knew something was off as I have been dating him sinner January). Sorry I can’t respond to everyone individually but i have read all your responses, he has agreed however to not see this girl again ( he is leaving his current company next week Friday)…. I don’t know what to do now as I’m still processing it all as he broke the promise of us only dating each other and he only told me about it after the date. I’m proper hurt as I really like him and I don’t know what to do from now on (it hurts a lot) … Any advice on how to go on about this ? All responses are welcome, thanks .

How is this even a question? Have you no self respect? You tell him you don't want to see him any more and end the relationship due to the fact he's a lying bastard. Raise your bar OP, please. You are worth more than this!

I think its pretty obvious that you tell him to do one.

Oh no that's horrible. He's stepped over the line now and lead you on.. absolutely get rid he's not worth your time

I'm not so sure he really did go out for a date. Sounds more like he's an arsehole who has cottoned on to your insecurities and is enjoying the havoc and drama he can cause. He's punching your sore spot for fun.

You and your boyfriend sound totally unsuitable for relationships (at this point in time for sure).

Take him at his word whether it's true or not. That he was happy to tell you when asked, shows he's testing you to see what you will put up with. Are you really going to put up with a man who lies about being monogamous one day, then dates someone else the next. Just because he's come clean about it, doesn't make it any better. He will just keep doing it if you let him.

I'll go against the grain here and say he has probably realised how suffocating things are and has either got fed up and went out with her for that reason, or is pretending in the hope you call things off.

However, I'm concerned that you say 'he has agreed However to not see this girl again'. It reads as if you've yet again told him what to do. He can see who he wants. It's been 2 months not 2 decades.

@EmilyGilmoresSass what? If exclusivity/monogamy is agreed whether 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 decades in, going behind someone's back and lying about it is not ok. The more worrying thing to me is that OP didn't just tell him f off and block him.

This all sounds made up

I normally agree completely. I've been cheated on, it's very unpleasant. However I've also been controlled by someone else and that was thoroughly more unpleasant. Who would blame him on this occasion for keeping his options open, he isn't even allowed a few hours to himself ffs

Honestly, I have never controlled him or ask him where he was before , he is the one who would always tell me where he was or he would apologise for responding to my texts a bit late and explain where he was ( I never asked him to) … The only reason why I freaked out yesterday it’s because it was so unlike of him to do so and I was right!! Honestly I feel like I’m being blamed for him going on another date with another girl behind my back when he is the one that said he didn’t want to date anyone else but me . If he was unhappy with me I would have had him rather communicate that with me or end things with rather than going on and doing this behind my back … Above all I was right - he broke his promise to me of us only dating each other . It hurts a lot ….

If he broke his promise this early in the relationship then it's not a good sign. Break it off now or you may find this is a repeating pattern. And please look into getting some therapy, even though your instincts were right, your behaviour was still a sign that you need to heal more.

Yeah I'd just end it. If he breaks your trust and deceives you after just two months them what is the point? Sorry OP but someone capable of lies will always be capable of lies, and as you also seem a bit insecure this would be even more toxic as a combination. Well done for trusting your instincts. Do the same now and dump him. If you were to tolerate this you'd be telling him that you'll accept being disrespected so it would inevitably happen again. I hope you're as ok as you can be.

I’d happily let him go. Seems both yourself and he need to do a lot of growing up and neither are ready for permanent relationships at this point.