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Original poster

Moving in… Am I being selfish?

143 replies

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 14:59

Hi all,

A bit of background: I’m 24, he’s 38. I moved into his house 9 months ago for about a month and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons (1) I was a new graduate and couldn’t find a well-suited job in that area, and (2) we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless staying in his house, especially because I couldn’t even drive/ get away at the time, and I ended up walking around the streets into the early hours. Another bit of info: we’ve had conflict around sex in the past, eg. him wanting it most nights and me wanting it a couple of times per week, which hasn’t really been resolved despite frequent discussions. I’m also a massive introvert and need my own space; he’s also an introvert but not to the same extent. And another bit of info: he’s been increasingly suggesting that he wants children, whereas I do not.

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I’ve now landed my dream job, and life should be looking up. Instead I’m racked by anxiety about moving in with him. My issues are:
(1) I’ve not yet passed my driving test (I’m taking another test on the next available date) and I want that freedom to be able to drive off if we ever fall out again.
(2) There’s still those unresolved issues around sex.
(3) I’d ideally like to stay in my parents’ house a bit longer to save money for a deposit and mortgage in an affordable but nice area, rather than spend money on renting.
(4) I’m just about to start my new dream (but demanding) job, and I don’t deal with huge change well, so I’d like to tackle one change at a time. It’s overwhelming for me to think about a new job and a new living situation in a city that I’m not familiar with (we would have to rent in a different city in order for us both to be in commuting distance to out jobs).
(5) I worry about the longterm longevity of the relationship, if he’s increasingly feeling that he wants children whereas I don’t.

Anyway, he’s a great person in so many ways, has invested a lot in the relationship, and has cared deeply for me, and I’ve spent some of the most happy moments of my life with him. However he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now. Do you think I’m being selfish/not being committed enough for not wanting to move in with him (at least not for the time being)?

OP posts:
TheFlis12345 · 20/03/2023 15:13

You’re so young still. Please don’t move in with this manipulative guy.

ZekeZeke · 20/03/2023 15:13

There are so many red flags in your post.
Please do not move in with this man.

escapingthecity · 20/03/2023 15:13

You are still so young. He is trying to control you. Don't let him.

bluejelly · 20/03/2023 15:14

Don't move in with him. You will regret it, I promise. Too many red flags

billy1966 · 20/03/2023 15:14

Please do not dream of moving in with this much older man.

So many red flags.

The sex one is so so huge.

Please search "sex pest" on MN and read about what life with a man who demands more sex is really like, especially with young children.

In one word...HELL.

Sexual coercion, sexual assault and rape are what is possibly ahead of you if you were silly enough to have children with him.

Stay at your parents and give yourself every chance of a wonderful life and future.

This man is nothing but pressure, demands, pushing for children, and basically all the things HE wants.

14 years is huge.

Do not move in with him.
Don not have children with him.

Do not give him the power to totally fxxk up your life.

Stay at home.
Learn to drive.
Do well in your dream job.
Enjoy your 20's.
Live your best life.

Stay the hell away from this awful sex pest who wants to tie you to him with children.

You left his flat as you felt unsafe?

Never ever put yourself in that position again.

Imagine how awful that would feel with a young child and he is putting huge pressure on you for sex???

This is what a life with him would be like.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you build boundaries.

Stay away from much older men.

They often target younger women who they can control and manipulate.

If you were my precious daughter I wouldn't want you near him.

So many red flags.

ElaOfSalisbury · 20/03/2023 15:15

The man is a walking red flag. Please don’t move in with him.

TheMatriarchy · 20/03/2023 15:15

Not selfish at all, do not compromise your future for this pushy middle aged sex pest. He will never be worth it. Focus on your future, your new job, saving and passing your driving test. Its all so bright for you, don't give it away. If he was in anyway good or right for you that's what he would want for you too. But instead he's just thinking about how to bully you into his home so he can bully you into sex, yuck. He's not a good one.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/03/2023 15:16

I have to say he doesn’t sound great! Prioritise yourself and your career - which it sounds like you are (congrats on the job). You are far too young to be pressurised into anything! Stick to your guns!

Justcallmebebes · 20/03/2023 15:16

Move in at your peril. You will regret it

Acrylicpainter · 20/03/2023 15:16

Finish it , it will never work.

neilyoungismyhero · 20/03/2023 15:17

I can't see even begin to see where and why you are in this relationship...you have issues with different sex drives and he wants children and you don't. Both of these are absolutely huge massive differences in thought- neither wrong- but makes you incompatible. Don't waste each other's time. You both deserve different.

ErinAoife · 20/03/2023 15:17

Because of your age gap, you want something different, he wants to settle and have kids because he is 38 years but in your case because of your age, you consider your career first and rightly so. You will have to decide if you want or not continue the relationship.

Brefugee · 20/03/2023 15:18

Don't. Do. It.
You are too young to hitch up to his wagon.
End it, and move on. You are starting a new job, you need to devote your energy to making a good start at that, the added pressure of tiptoeing round him, his demands for sex and - above all - the fact that you can't get away easily are all things that should be yelling "NO" at you

DanceMonster · 20/03/2023 15:18

Read your post back. There is absolutely nothing in there that suggests this is going to be a successful long term relationship. Time to end it.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/03/2023 15:19

I'm really concerned that you say you want to be able to drive so you can escape him in the case of an argument, not that you want to be able to drive for your own freedom, or function.

Ditch him. He is a bully. You should be excited at the prospect of moving in with a boyfriend, not dreading it. You'll find someone new, you neve know if they are around the corner.

Treacletoots · 20/03/2023 15:19

From those of us who have learned the hard way, believe me you do not want to move in with this man, or continue with this relationship ideally.

He only seems to care about his needs, and what HE wants. You are put on this earth to satisfy him.

Please don't ruin your 20s by being with someone who thinks you're only there to make HIS life easier/better.

So so many red flags with this man, GTFO of this relationship before he destroys your confidence and possible more.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/03/2023 15:19

What do you parents and friends think of him?

BryceQuinlan · 20/03/2023 15:20

There's a reason he's not with a woman more similar in age. Get out now.

billy1966 · 20/03/2023 15:21

There was a thread on here last week called

"Tell me what sexual coercion looks like"...

Something like that.

Search for it OP or perhaps some lovely other poster might stick it up.

Basically what life with men who are sex pests are like.

They start off ok ish but the women end up feeling like meat, violated, assaulted in their sleep and raped.....all because these awful men think they are entitled.

You already have issues with his sexual entitlement.

You will bitterly regret not getting away from him.

Opentooffers · 20/03/2023 15:21

I think you are being sensible. The obvious problem is that he is a lot older than you so you are at different stages. You've got 10 years to think about what you want regarding DC. It's also a power thing, you know how it feels to be left vulnerable and trapped and right now he seems to want to entrap you rather than have you with him because you are happy to spend time with him. Don't bend to his ultimatums. If he's genuine, he will wait for you to be ready and he will listen to what you want and don't want. MKe it clear you don't want DC, he does have a right to know this and act accordingly.

PeekAtYou · 20/03/2023 15:21

End the relationship. Just because he made some sacrifices in the past doesn't mean that you have to stick with this relationship which is full of red flags and sounds like it's in rocky territory anyway.
Stay with your parents, get your license and enjoy your new job. This relationship does not sound good at all.

BorsetshireBanality · 20/03/2023 15:21

I would choose dream job, passing driving test and being able to save a bit while living with parents rather than move in with this creep and fuck up your life for years.

What a threat move him with him now or it’s never going to happen - well it’s never going to happen is it so let him free to find some other sucker!

Abouttimemum · 20/03/2023 15:22

The fact you’re worried you don’t have a car so you can’t get away from him tells you everything you need to know. It shouldn’t even cross your mind!

BorsetshireBanality · 20/03/2023 15:22

BryceQuinlan · 20/03/2023 15:20

There's a reason he's not with a woman more similar in age. Get out now.

This exactly!!!

Knullrufs · 20/03/2023 15:23

You sound utterly incompatible with each other. From your OP, it's unclear why you're even in a relationship together. You don't seem to like each other very much.

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