Moving in… Am I being selfish?

[Anaphora1]

Hi all,

A bit of background: I’m 24, he’s 38. I moved into his house 9 months ago for about a month and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons (1) I was a new graduate and couldn’t find a well-suited job in that area, and (2) we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless staying in his house, especially because I couldn’t even drive/ get away at the time, and I ended up walking around the streets into the early hours. Another bit of info: we’ve had conflict around sex in the past, eg. him wanting it most nights and me wanting it a couple of times per week, which hasn’t really been resolved despite frequent discussions. I’m also a massive introvert and need my own space; he’s also an introvert but not to the same extent. And another bit of info: he’s been increasingly suggesting that he wants children, whereas I do not.

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I’ve now landed my dream job, and life should be looking up. Instead I’m racked by anxiety about moving in with him. My issues are:
(1) I’ve not yet passed my driving test (I’m taking another test on the next available date) and I want that freedom to be able to drive off if we ever fall out again.
(2) There’s still those unresolved issues around sex.
(3) I’d ideally like to stay in my parents’ house a bit longer to save money for a deposit and mortgage in an affordable but nice area, rather than spend money on renting.
(4) I’m just about to start my new dream (but demanding) job, and I don’t deal with huge change well, so I’d like to tackle one change at a time. It’s overwhelming for me to think about a new job and a new living situation in a city that I’m not familiar with (we would have to rent in a different city in order for us both to be in commuting distance to out jobs).
(5) I worry about the longterm longevity of the relationship, if he’s increasingly feeling that he wants children whereas I don’t.

Anyway, he’s a great person in so many ways, has invested a lot in the relationship, and has cared deeply for me, and I’ve spent some of the most happy moments of my life with him. However he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now. Do you think I’m being selfish/not being committed enough for not wanting to move in with him (at least not for the time being)?

Go with your gut.
Do not move in with this man.

Having to make a plan to be able to drive to be able to escape should tell you all you need to know. Absolutely don't move in with him and whatever he has invested in the relationship is his problem, not yours. You are on the brink of a new chapter in your life with your job, focus on that and forget this sex pest loser.

Why are you contemplating moving in with this man?
Please drop him and enjoy your life.
You are so young, don’t settle yourself with this sh*t.

OMG @Anaphora1 - never mind all the very sensible answers you're getting...... Just re-read your own posts !!!!!

You are not invested in this relationship because your gut is literally SCREAMING at you to get out. Never mind moving in together.

For good reason.

For someone with a high sex drive he is a perfect sex drive match, for someone with an average or low sex drive he is a sex pest.

1. You are not compatible sexually

2. He wants a baby/children, you don't. It's not fair on him. He needs to be with someone who wants a baby/children too.

Also, very few women with healthy libido are compatible with ED problems.

His he sounds like a nightmare.

I'd be running away very fast.
He's too old and you're just about to start a great life. Do it without this man controlling you

How many posters write about initially having a high sex drive that matched their partner, but a couple of small children in a couple of years, very little sleep and the exhaustion of working full time, has decimated it?

How often do they write that their high sex drive partner simply cannot/will not accept this and mauls them, sexual assaults them, rapes them, all because they feel entitled to?

How many?

Enough for it to be really awful to read and fill threads.

Enough to have noticed how many of them have an age gap.

For these men to have left other women who wouldn't satisfy their appetites.

You have so much going for you, any partner right now should feel like they're opening your world/part of an adventure, not restricting you.
If you don’t have his sexual appetite at 24/this stage of the relationship it’s only going to get worse. Then he’ll blame his stress/problems on you not wanting to sleep with him enough.

Please don’t waste your time on this guy, as everyone has said it’s red flag central (appreciate he might be great in other ways but they always are and things only get worse as you commit more)

Please listen to all these wise people Op and break up with this man. He's nearly forty, he's had all those extra years to enjoy himself and do as he likes but he wants to steal that from you. You're still so young and have loads of time in the future to think about committments and children, no need to rush especially when he wants you to make all the sacrifices.
Always, always listen to that gut feeling, it's trying to tell you something very important. He's not the man for you, he wants a younger women because he thinks you're easier to manipulate- telling you your selfish is very telling- what he means is you're not doing what he wants.Get out Op and have a great time

Op, I'd not move in for all the reasons you've listed. Tbh you should only move in when it feels right and you've no nagging doubts about the man, the relationship or the dynamics. Your description has red flags all over the place - listen to your gut

He wants lots of sex in the hope that you will get pregnant. You are young and this is a large age-gap. You already failed to live together, and you have a career opportunity ahead of you. Do not let him control you, or guilt you into living together. He may want to just share the bills.

So glad you posted and are listening to the advice. Your late 20s are the best years and no need to be tied down to a much older man.

Get that job, meet new people and have lots of fun. When you are 30 you be so be glad you didn't settle for him.

Not fair on him? IHe’s a grown ass man capable of taking responsibility for himself. He knows she doesn’t want children, but instead of respecting that he clearly thinks he can change her mind (or thinks he can he can tamper with her contraception). That’s not fair on her.

Have you posted about this before? It sounds very similar. In any case - I agree with PPs: run, don’t walk from this man. He’s a bully and a bad match for you in many ways and he wants to steal your youth from you. He chose a much younger woman so he could dominate you but he wants the kind of life which is much better suited to a woman closer to him in age.

Your 20s are your time - you should be selfish. The world is your oyster. You are footloose and fancy-free. It’s your time, OP. And he wants to steal it from you. Get him gone.

Eh?

Choosing to be a sex pest has fuck-all to do with an unfortunate bodily symptom.

WTF drew you to compare these 2 totally different things?

For someone with a high sex drive he is a perfect sex drive match, for someone with an average or low sex drive he is a sex pest.

Bullshit, @Karma2023

A sex pest is a sex pest.
If that sex pest happens to currently be with a woman who matches his drive, it doesn't cancel out the fact that to other women, he is a sex pest.

It shouldn’t be like this, and that’s why It’s going round and round in your head, because your instincts KNOW it’s wrong. Listen to them, they’re there to protect you.

Leave him to find someone new who wants to be controlled by him and saddled with his children.

Don’t let this nearly 40 year old clip your wings.

Oh god don't waste your 20s on this man. You are too good for him.

Why do you think you should 'accomodate his desires'?

I beg you to leave this man and not look back. You are young, you've got an exciting new job and a wonderful life ahead of you. You have parents who are happy for you to live with them for a while longer. You have a few years of finding out who you are and what you want.

Why on earth would you tie yourself to a controlling, selfish, manipulative sex pest of man? you would without doubt regret moving in with him. He would continue to control and manipulate you. He's doing it now ('last chance to move in' - why? because he made a false deadline to force you to do something you don't want to do). You don't manipulate people you love. You give them time, you want them to be happy.

If you move in, he'll start manipulating you in other ways (if he doesn't already, and I suspect he does even if you haven't realised it). He'll start trying to convince you to have a baby, and if he manages that he'll try to convince you to stop working for a while while the baby is young, then it will be 'you don't need to go back to work, I can earn enough for all of us'. And one day you'll realised you have no career, you spend your life cleaning and cooking and not having money of your own and he controls everything you do. The warning signs are all in your post.

Look at it this way..... if he's a decent man, he would totally understand if you said 'not now, I need time to think, I need time apart from you'. Even if you gave him the benefit of the doubt (you'd really have to stretch to do this) you're still badly matched as you don't want children and he does. It would be sheer stupidity to knowingly walking in to a situation that means he can't have the children he wants (or he forces you to have a child you don't want, even worse).

There is an unbalanced power dynamic in your relationship. You are in a less established life stage than your boyfriend. The difference isn’t so huge as to be inappropriate, but as the person with more power, he should be handling this carefully to make sure that the two of you can form an equal partnership. Instead, he is pressuring you to make move in when you aren’t ready and to prioritize the relationship over your career. if you stay, this dynamic is likely to continue.

when you find the right person, it is easy. Your goals will match. You will find joy in supporting one another. There will be difficulties, but they are small and center around things like whose sofa to keep, what to have for dinner, or the proper way to load a dishwasher. Tiny things that when you are learning to live together can seem huge but you figure out a routine and it works out.

Please don't move in with this man.

He sounds repulsive, definitely trying to control you and get your pregnant so you are less likely to leave.

Stay with your parents and finish with him, if he bothers you call the police.

We’ve gone our separate ways. Hand hold please 😔

You did the right thing OP. It may be hard right now but you have your whole life ahead of you. You will meet someone who won’t treat you like this. Your relationship sounded really toxic.