Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moving in… Am I being selfish?

143 replies

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 14:59

Hi all,

A bit of background: I’m 24, he’s 38. I moved into his house 9 months ago for about a month and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons (1) I was a new graduate and couldn’t find a well-suited job in that area, and (2) we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless staying in his house, especially because I couldn’t even drive/ get away at the time, and I ended up walking around the streets into the early hours. Another bit of info: we’ve had conflict around sex in the past, eg. him wanting it most nights and me wanting it a couple of times per week, which hasn’t really been resolved despite frequent discussions. I’m also a massive introvert and need my own space; he’s also an introvert but not to the same extent. And another bit of info: he’s been increasingly suggesting that he wants children, whereas I do not.

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I’ve now landed my dream job, and life should be looking up. Instead I’m racked by anxiety about moving in with him. My issues are:
(1) I’ve not yet passed my driving test (I’m taking another test on the next available date) and I want that freedom to be able to drive off if we ever fall out again.
(2) There’s still those unresolved issues around sex.
(3) I’d ideally like to stay in my parents’ house a bit longer to save money for a deposit and mortgage in an affordable but nice area, rather than spend money on renting.
(4) I’m just about to start my new dream (but demanding) job, and I don’t deal with huge change well, so I’d like to tackle one change at a time. It’s overwhelming for me to think about a new job and a new living situation in a city that I’m not familiar with (we would have to rent in a different city in order for us both to be in commuting distance to out jobs).
(5) I worry about the longterm longevity of the relationship, if he’s increasingly feeling that he wants children whereas I don’t.

Anyway, he’s a great person in so many ways, has invested a lot in the relationship, and has cared deeply for me, and I’ve spent some of the most happy moments of my life with him. However he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now. Do you think I’m being selfish/not being committed enough for not wanting to move in with him (at least not for the time being)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 15:23

@fruitbrewhaha For the most part, they like him - he’s polite, successful and good-looking. My dad and my stepmum are not too sure - because they’re the ones who have answered my phone calls when we had that big argument, or when I’ve talked to them about his expectations around sex.

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 20/03/2023 15:23

What's so good about this nearly 40 year old that you are seeing him?

BorsetshireBanality · 20/03/2023 15:24

He’s not polite when he gets pissed or is pawing at you for sex is he!

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 20/03/2023 15:25

Listen to your gut. It’s telling you there’s something wrong for good reason.

Original poster
Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 15:29

@Whoiscomingtosaveyou That’s true, I just feel like I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Eg I keep asking myself, ‘Am I not being adaptable and flexible enough?’ ‘Am I not accommodating his desires and just thinking about myself and what I would prefer?’, etc etc and over and over again.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 20/03/2023 15:29

RUn for the hills

Fuckstix · 20/03/2023 15:29

Please do not move in with this man. You sound sensible and smart with your priorities in line. Your plan to stay with your parents for a bit, save up and move independently is a great one. Moving in with a partner needs to be on mutual terms, not rushed along because one is at the stage of life where they want to have kids pronto. Please keep your boundaries re sex. If a partner wants sex much more regularly than you do then it's up to them to decide whether to stay with you and adapt or leave and find someone who wants it as often.

billy1966 · 20/03/2023 15:30

BryceQuinlan · 20/03/2023 15:20

There's a reason he's not with a woman more similar in age. Get out now.

These men absolutely pursue younger women that they can manipulate into as much sex as they want.

They also want a child so you feel tied to them and vulgar.

Anything he has done for you has been to suck you in.

Older women would more likely see him for the old sleeze bag that he is.🤢🤢🤮

billy1966 · 20/03/2023 15:31

Tied to them and vulnerable!

Paq · 20/03/2023 15:35

You're not compatible and he doesn't make you happy (enough). Concentrate on your career, make space for yourself and don't worry about his wants.

billy1966 · 20/03/2023 15:36

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 15:29

@Whoiscomingtosaveyou That’s true, I just feel like I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Eg I keep asking myself, ‘Am I not being adaptable and flexible enough?’ ‘Am I not accommodating his desires and just thinking about myself and what I would prefer?’, etc etc and over and over again.

Your gut has zero agenda, just your protection, your very own warning system that is telling you that you this is not right, that he is not right.

Ignore your gut atvyour peril.

TheFormidableMrsC · 20/03/2023 15:36

My God, end this relationship now. He is a massive walking red flag. You're too young for this shit. I have a daughter the same age and I'd say exactly the same to her.

Dryshampoofordays · 20/03/2023 15:37

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 20/03/2023 15:25

Listen to your gut. It’s telling you there’s something wrong for good reason.

I agree with this. It’s only now I’m in my thirties that I give myself credit when my instincts are telling me to get out of a situation that doesn’t feel right. Reading your post makes me think you already know what to do. You don’t need permission to end a relationship that isn’t right, you don’t even need a reason - although you have written lots of reasons in your op. him being nice to you when he’s happy and getting what he wants does not = great relationship. You sound like you have so much to look forward to- don’t let the creep drag you back when you’ve already outgrown him!

Ofcourseshecan · 20/03/2023 15:37

Please call a taxi if you need to get away from somewhere, OP. Find a reliable cab company and keep the number on your phone.

I wouldn’t stay with this man anyway. You have many reasons to leave and few reasons to stay. You’re not compatible on important issues. (Do you want to be pressured into having children? Can you face spending the rest of your life fending off unwanted sex?) And you have your life ahead of you.

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 15:37

Your introductory paragraph is a list of incompatibilities. Find someone who respects the areas where you're different.

Why do you want to be with someone who has you second guessing yourself? What's to guess? What do you think is wrong with you, that you'd have to guess anything about?

TempNCforthis · 20/03/2023 15:39

You are dating Chairman Mao. Can you not see the red flags flying around his head?

If you had a daughter or a sister or best friend, what would you advise them?

Agoraphobia · 20/03/2023 15:41

Please dont do this i know someone that did it and its awful she now has 3 kids all under 6 SAHM he drinks and is very controlling if was all fun untill she moved in everyone tried to warn her please listen DONT do it she regrets it now dont be her.

SenoritaFajita · 20/03/2023 15:45

HE is the selfish one OP, not you. If he’s like this now how’s he going to behave further down the line? Please leave now whilst you can.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 20/03/2023 15:45

Run far away from this old (compared to you), manipulative sex pest.

Stay at home, crack in with your career, pass your test, date men your own age, save for a property, buy your own place, be happy and successful.

This man is a very poor option.

privateeyeeye · 20/03/2023 15:45

also you are ALLOWED to be selfish. You have to put yourself first. No one else is going to, HE is not.

PeekAtYou · 20/03/2023 15:46

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 15:29

@Whoiscomingtosaveyou That’s true, I just feel like I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Eg I keep asking myself, ‘Am I not being adaptable and flexible enough?’ ‘Am I not accommodating his desires and just thinking about myself and what I would prefer?’, etc etc and over and over again.

It's fine to reject a partner because of sexual incompatibility. Neither of you are wrong for wanting different amounts of sex and neither of you should have sex if you don't want it.

Daffodilfrog · 20/03/2023 15:46

I rarely comment on these threads OP but am joining the chorus - this man is the selfish one . I find it frightening that you were walking the streets to get away and want to pass your test to be able to escape him if necessary . He is not going to make you happy - you’re similar in age to my step daughter and I would be horrified if she was where you appear to be heading . Enjoy your early twenties and your new job there is plenty of time to settle down

ohdelay · 20/03/2023 15:49

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 15:29

@Whoiscomingtosaveyou That’s true, I just feel like I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Eg I keep asking myself, ‘Am I not being adaptable and flexible enough?’ ‘Am I not accommodating his desires and just thinking about myself and what I would prefer?’, etc etc and over and over again.

You're 24, why on earth do you want to handmaiden yourself to some 40 year old man. You should be putting yourself first, chasing your dreams. He's definitely putting himself first trying to pin you down to a spot in his life. Go make your own life. There is no reason on earth for you to settle for this not very much, restrictive, semi life at your age.
Genuinely interested, what do you get out of the relationship?

averythinline · 20/03/2023 15:49

focus on your career and plans... this is the time to do that....this is where you maximise all the work you did st Uni...

if it was right you would not be constantly re assessing/examining the situation ..

set yourself free ...m

PeekAtYou · 20/03/2023 15:50

If you decide not to listen to your gut, please make sure that you are in charge of contraception. I would not put it past this nasty man to trap you with a pregnancy.