Moving in… Am I being selfish?

[Anaphora1]

Hi all,

A bit of background: I’m 24, he’s 38. I moved into his house 9 months ago for about a month and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons (1) I was a new graduate and couldn’t find a well-suited job in that area, and (2) we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless staying in his house, especially because I couldn’t even drive/ get away at the time, and I ended up walking around the streets into the early hours. Another bit of info: we’ve had conflict around sex in the past, eg. him wanting it most nights and me wanting it a couple of times per week, which hasn’t really been resolved despite frequent discussions. I’m also a massive introvert and need my own space; he’s also an introvert but not to the same extent. And another bit of info: he’s been increasingly suggesting that he wants children, whereas I do not.

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I’ve now landed my dream job, and life should be looking up. Instead I’m racked by anxiety about moving in with him. My issues are:
(1) I’ve not yet passed my driving test (I’m taking another test on the next available date) and I want that freedom to be able to drive off if we ever fall out again.
(2) There’s still those unresolved issues around sex.
(3) I’d ideally like to stay in my parents’ house a bit longer to save money for a deposit and mortgage in an affordable but nice area, rather than spend money on renting.
(4) I’m just about to start my new dream (but demanding) job, and I don’t deal with huge change well, so I’d like to tackle one change at a time. It’s overwhelming for me to think about a new job and a new living situation in a city that I’m not familiar with (we would have to rent in a different city in order for us both to be in commuting distance to out jobs).
(5) I worry about the longterm longevity of the relationship, if he’s increasingly feeling that he wants children whereas I don’t.

Anyway, he’s a great person in so many ways, has invested a lot in the relationship, and has cared deeply for me, and I’ve spent some of the most happy moments of my life with him. However he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now. Do you think I’m being selfish/not being committed enough for not wanting to move in with him (at least not for the time being)?

he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now
You're 24, you don't have to be that invested in a relationship.

How long have you been together? How many other relationships have you been in? Enough to know what it feels like when you're not being pressured?

Honestly just dump him.

Your 20s are for fun and freedom.

Run

No you're not being selfish. You're being very sensible actually.

Lots of red flags based on your description - the fact that you want to be able to drive away in case you fall out again should be a big red flag in its own right.

Stay with your mum, enjoy your new dream job, learn to drive (it'll give you so much independence and lots of options for your future), be your own person. Your future looks very promising from what you've said here :)

If it helps - it is not in any way “normal” to have planned escape methods when you live with anyone (the whole driving thing).

Your whole post screams of repressed fear of this man. Please walk away now.

Selfish is a word that can very much be used to manipulate. Be selfish! Make decisions that result in you being happy. This guy is not making you happy or making any accommodations to your needs. You would be much better off not getting knocked up and resting at 24 when your career is only just starting. Regret is the word I would associate with you staying with him.

This is actually a very very good point.

Reading your post OP, All I see is RED. No Green at all. Just RED.

The right feeling, on moving in with someone, should be excitement and happiness. You are racked with anxiety and worried you will not be able to escape if you are scared. Does that sound right to you? Your anxiety is your instinct screaming 'no!' at you. If he is already pressuring you into sex and motherhood I could see him sabotaging contraception. That sounds dramatic but plenty will tell you on here how that happened to them because being pregnant/mother of a baby makes you the best, most manipulatable target there is. Someone who loves you would be concerned you are anxious and give you space. This man is a bully. Listen to your instincts.

There are so many red flags with this guy I can't list them. However your gut is telling you it's not right. Never ever move in with anyone you feel you need an escape route from. He wants you to have a child as he knows you will be vulnerable and he'll be better able to control you. Your plan to start a new job and stay with your parents is the best path 💐

You just aren't compatible.
You aren't sexually compatible.
You are at different life stages.
He wants kids. You don't
You want to pass your driving test so you can escape him if you fall out.

Please just end this. It isn't the right relationship for you

Selfish is a word that can very much be used to manipulate

Quite. Decent, self respecting people do the right thing for themselves, and try their best to be respectful and kind to others in the process.

Selfish people do the right things for themselves, regardless of others.

Whether you do things that are right for you isn't one of the variables in selfishness. It's a given that we all should. It's how you do them. So, do you say you don't want to move in, and that it's not right for you at the moment, so you're moving on? That's self respecting, and respectfully telling him. Or do you tell him you won't move in with him because he's a horrible person and you want to hurt him? That's selfish.

Run run run. You're young. Concentrate on yourself, enjoy your dream job, have fun.

Listen to your gut @Anaphora1 - those strong, primal, Visceral feelings are there for a reason and are there to keep you safe.

You have your whole life ahead of you, why would you endanger your future by blending your life with a much older sex pest who wants you pregnant as soon as possible and trapped with a baby, and take a dip to your career, and putting a hitch on your career?

Also listen to your parents, who were on the end of those phone calls he made - two of the closest people are not sure about him... you have more to lose if you listen to his ultimatum than if you follow your own plans. Please be brave and focus on your next steps.

Also, it's rather worrying that you were considering how you couldn't get away from him if you needed to because you aren't a driver/car owner yet. That should tell you a lot. Escape now - whilst you easily can. 🌹

@Watchkeys

Thank you, I like that philosophy.

Listen to your gut, that anxious feeling will go away without him in your life. Spend your twenties building up your career and enjoying your life. You don't feel ready for children yet and that's fine, you have plenty of time to meet someone and do that in the future.

This is not a good relationship, you don’t want the same things and you are at very different stages of your life. Your parents should have more sense than to have encouraged this. Dump him, stay where you are so you can save and enjoy your new job. You are very young and he wants you to be a middle aged woman. You’ll never be young again. Find someone closer to your own age and enjoy this time of your life instead of worrying about whether or not a middle aged man will be pestering you for sex when you get home after a hard day at work.

Is he asking whether he is being adaptable and flexible enough or accommodating your desires? No. He isn't considering what you want at all. He has just issued an ultimatum and is threatening you if you don't do what he wants. It looks as though he wants a live-in housekeeper and sex on demand. He wants to get you pregnant asap so your career is limited and you end up relying on him financially so you are less likely to leave. Your gut is telling you that this is a trap.

At your age, you should be focusing on your career (and well done getting the new job) and on saving for a deposit/car in which case staying with your DM sounds sensible. A BF is nice to have, but their needs should not be put before yours right now. You should be feeling happy about the new job and optimistic for the future, not anxious and worrying about how someone else is behaving towards you. Walk away. Tell him you are in a different stage in your life and you wish to leave him free to meet someone who wants a family with him. You could also say that you are planning on working abroad in a few years and on travelling. His plans would stop you doing this.

You should find a sense of relief when you get over the initial upset. Confide in a friend if you can and when it is over, socialise with people who are at a similar stage in life as you. If you had a BF who was just starting his career, he wouldn't want to rush to move in or start a family either. If you were still together in 6-8 years time, you might feel differently about things. Either way, it would be a joint decision with no-one forced into anything they didn't want to do.

It sounds like you want different things. Enjoy your dream job and having fun! Don’t settle down just to please him, you are still so young. Buying a house isn’t everything, balance between having fun in your twenties and saving.

It would be unfair for you to string him along about the children issue, at 38 he probably wants to crack on. Have a conversation with him and let him know you don’t want children or to move in together which will probably end the relationship. Best to end amicably now rather than someone compromise and feel bitter. Good luck!

fantastic advice.

OP, Listen carefully from those who know best and have been there. This experience and wisdom is sadly often learned the hard way, but this lived experience means that these people can see the red flags from a mile away, and can see the trap you are about to fall into. listen both to them and to your gut instinct.

Put your happiness and safety first, pursue your own dreams, and in the future find someone who will put them first too. Don’t bend to other peoples will and manipulation.

Also read up on the sunk cost fallacy, where people make the mistake and talk themselves into staying in bad and toxic relationships because of the emotions, good times, shared experiences, sacrifices and time already given to this relationship, so this belief you can’t give up now as you have come too far.

Again as pp said stop trying to convince yourself the good outweighs the bad, and that you are the problem and the one needing to compromise for him - actually there’s no compromise with this man, it’s ultimatums and emotional blackmail to get his way every time.

This is not a man who truly loves and respects you, so you have to love and respect yourself first. Please get support from your family and friends to end this, and get the emotional support to stray strong enough to keep it that way. I promise you will look back and be glad you dodged that bullet. You have too much to lose.

Also read up on emotional abuse, coersive behaviour, and what is a healthy relationship vs a toxic one, so that you gain more confidence in your gut telling you there are red flags the next time, and so you are more likely to get into only the healthy, worthy relationships that you deserve.

Honestly love, you really don't sound compatible. At all.

Very few women are compatible with a sex pest.

Thank you all so much for your advice. It has cemented in my mind what I must do. As other posters have said, it’s very challenging not to thing about all the many positive things. Ultimately, he has been generous with his money, love and time, and has been a huge source of emotional support. But it looks like our paths need to diverge at this juncture.

With regards to the sex issue, he mentioned that his previous girlfriend also didn’t have sex with him as much as he’d like, and that was a contributing factor to their breaking up.

But so what if you are, really? You do not need to be adaptable, flexible, accommodating. You are 24 years old and this is your time - please do not squish yourself small to please some man. To be honest, I did at exactly your age, and 12 years on I'm only just starting to unpack it all and to ask for more for myself.
If I were to advise my 24-year-old self, I'd say get out there and enjoy being young and smart and full of potential. Do not worry that the one for you will get away - the right person will cherish you for your whole, happiest self rather than need you to reduce yourself in order to be acceptable. Please, go. There's a brilliant life out there for you and you'll have many wonderful chances for love.

Never mind the like reaction, we need a red flag reaction.