Moving in… Am I being selfish?

[Anaphora1]

Hi all,

A bit of background: I’m 24, he’s 38. I moved into his house 9 months ago for about a month and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons (1) I was a new graduate and couldn’t find a well-suited job in that area, and (2) we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless staying in his house, especially because I couldn’t even drive/ get away at the time, and I ended up walking around the streets into the early hours. Another bit of info: we’ve had conflict around sex in the past, eg. him wanting it most nights and me wanting it a couple of times per week, which hasn’t really been resolved despite frequent discussions. I’m also a massive introvert and need my own space; he’s also an introvert but not to the same extent. And another bit of info: he’s been increasingly suggesting that he wants children, whereas I do not.

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I’ve now landed my dream job, and life should be looking up. Instead I’m racked by anxiety about moving in with him. My issues are:
(1) I’ve not yet passed my driving test (I’m taking another test on the next available date) and I want that freedom to be able to drive off if we ever fall out again.
(2) There’s still those unresolved issues around sex.
(3) I’d ideally like to stay in my parents’ house a bit longer to save money for a deposit and mortgage in an affordable but nice area, rather than spend money on renting.
(4) I’m just about to start my new dream (but demanding) job, and I don’t deal with huge change well, so I’d like to tackle one change at a time. It’s overwhelming for me to think about a new job and a new living situation in a city that I’m not familiar with (we would have to rent in a different city in order for us both to be in commuting distance to out jobs).
(5) I worry about the longterm longevity of the relationship, if he’s increasingly feeling that he wants children whereas I don’t.

Anyway, he’s a great person in so many ways, has invested a lot in the relationship, and has cared deeply for me, and I’ve spent some of the most happy moments of my life with him. However he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now. Do you think I’m being selfish/not being committed enough for not wanting to move in with him (at least not for the time being)?

Clever woman.

You will never regret this and will realise as you age what an utterly enormous bullet you have dodged.

Women have been left as shells of themselves having had children, and having suffered years of sexual assault and rape at the hands of pigs like him.

At your age I never heard of such men nor knew they exist.

It took coming onto MN to read about it.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and strengthen those boundaries of yours and listen to your gut.

@Anaphora1 congratulations on taking the first steps to the rest of your amazing life.

It will get easier. Take time and heal, reflect and grow. X

Well done! The feeling will pass and perhaps soon you will feel relief at taking this step. Wish you the best

Dad here my daughter is only ten but I’ll give you the advice I would give her when she reaches your age. Don’t move in with him because you’re then going to be beholden to him. Build your life first and then if you want to move in with somebody you both move into a new home together. I would give the same advice to my son too. That’s what we did and the second time it was great but eventually my ex DP wanted to move back to her home country to finish her degree in education and have our children educated there which she did so with my blessing. Both she and our children have a far better quality of life there than I could have afforded for them here and I support my family wholeheartedly.
There won’t be any compromise with the bloke you’re with and compromise is what it’s all about.
Ex DP met a great bloke last year that she went to uni with first time round. We all get on and I go to stay in their house when I visit my kids. I pay for my kids and they pay for everything else in their relationship but they know I’ll always help when they need me to.
That guy will just suck all the life and ambition out of you from what I’ve read so get rid please.

@Colourfingers2 what a lovely man you are and you give great advice too 😊

Well done you've made the right choice and have a long and happy life ahead of you!! 🥰

'we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless'

i didn't read past this bit.....this is enough to leave

sorry, i commented before seeing the update.

SO glad you've had the strength to say enough is enough. It's gunna be far from easy but reach out and carry on talking.
This is the first day of the rest of your life

Well done for being brave and doing what felt right. Your first post concerned me a lot. When you are 38 reflect on whether you would date someone so young and you will see this in a whole new light!

look forward at the positives now.

you have your dream job, throw yourself into it and make it the huge success you desire it to be! Live with your family and save hard for a home/ lovely holidays/treats and reap the rewards of your hard work to get there and most of all live in peace. No second guessing, worrying and grow he’ll feel what he’ll say, whether todays the day he wants sex again after you already said no.

go and enjoy your life and forget this person who has already caused you pain and who would have continued to.

"I just feel like I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Eg I keep asking myself, ‘Am I not being adaptable and flexible enough?’ ‘Am I not accommodating his desires and just thinking about myself and what I would prefer?’, etc etc and over and over again."

It's the saddest thing that young women don't feel like they are allowed to be in charge of their own lives, put themselves first and trust their own feelings. Tying yourself into knots to please this man, or any man, is not the reason you exist.

Your only job is to create a life for yourself that you love and feel proud of. A man who deserves to be in your life will not try to control you, will not make you feel the way he does, and will never make you doubt yourself the way he does. He's not the one and he could massively derail your life if you decide to let him. You get to decide. Good luck.

Oh I missed your update OP, well done. It's so so hard breaking up with someone. When you feel sad just remember he made you feel selfish for wanting to do things that were in your own best interests, and the right man would never make you feel that way. If you don't put yourself first in life, who else will? That doesn't make you selfish. You can prioritise other people sometimes, once they have proved themselves worthy.

Well done for sorting things out. You'll be able to concentrate on your new job much better with that worry out of the way. Hope you fly through your driving test!

Well done OP. Go live your life and enjoy making your decisions and exploring your dreams. He had a very small non starring role for you in his life and it wasn't what you would have chosen for yourself. Don't let anyone clip your wings, it's not being selfish it's being in control of your own life.

When you are 38 reflect on whether you would date someone so young and you will see this in a whole new light!

Absolutely this. In a few years life will be more settled and look back and be so relieved you didn't stay with him

This is the best decision you’ve made.

Great update. You sounded completely incompatible and I also didn’t like the age gap. When I was 24 I dated somebody who was 38 and I don’t think I ever really saw a problem with the age difference. Well I am 52 now and I am so glad that I am not with a 66 year old.

Marvellous update OP & well done

The best handhold you can be given right now is easily in reach - see @billy1966's 20:14 post from yesterday, with link to The Freedom Programme.

Please enrol, to help you recover from this relationship, & to protect yourself from predatory men in future.

This is another great resource, & it's only a 5 minute read, but one that ALL young women should be educated by - https://www.jennisspace.com/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

So so glad to hear this OP. If only I had the sense that you've had to leave my abusive ex as quickly.

Support what others have said about doing a bit of work on yourself, your boundaries and recognising, and acting upon red flags going forward. Your future self will thank you.

Well done. You have everyone on this thread behind you. Keep posting if you need any support.