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Original poster

Moving in… Am I being selfish?

143 replies

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 14:59

Hi all,

A bit of background: I’m 24, he’s 38. I moved into his house 9 months ago for about a month and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons (1) I was a new graduate and couldn’t find a well-suited job in that area, and (2) we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless staying in his house, especially because I couldn’t even drive/ get away at the time, and I ended up walking around the streets into the early hours. Another bit of info: we’ve had conflict around sex in the past, eg. him wanting it most nights and me wanting it a couple of times per week, which hasn’t really been resolved despite frequent discussions. I’m also a massive introvert and need my own space; he’s also an introvert but not to the same extent. And another bit of info: he’s been increasingly suggesting that he wants children, whereas I do not.

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I’ve now landed my dream job, and life should be looking up. Instead I’m racked by anxiety about moving in with him. My issues are:
(1) I’ve not yet passed my driving test (I’m taking another test on the next available date) and I want that freedom to be able to drive off if we ever fall out again.
(2) There’s still those unresolved issues around sex.
(3) I’d ideally like to stay in my parents’ house a bit longer to save money for a deposit and mortgage in an affordable but nice area, rather than spend money on renting.
(4) I’m just about to start my new dream (but demanding) job, and I don’t deal with huge change well, so I’d like to tackle one change at a time. It’s overwhelming for me to think about a new job and a new living situation in a city that I’m not familiar with (we would have to rent in a different city in order for us both to be in commuting distance to out jobs).
(5) I worry about the longterm longevity of the relationship, if he’s increasingly feeling that he wants children whereas I don’t.

Anyway, he’s a great person in so many ways, has invested a lot in the relationship, and has cared deeply for me, and I’ve spent some of the most happy moments of my life with him. However he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now. Do you think I’m being selfish/not being committed enough for not wanting to move in with him (at least not for the time being)?

OP posts:
2bazookas · 20/03/2023 15:50

You're not ready to settle down with him so just tell him so, and don't. If he pesters for reasons just say "Because I'm only 24."

Trust me, an older forceful man who keeps demanding his own way in multiple ways, is never going to be a keeper. Better to draw a line, go off and enjoy your new job.

5128gap · 20/03/2023 15:50

He's got a nerve hasn't he? Telling you it's now or never, like he holds the cards here?
Its almost amusing OP that he considers himself the prize and therefore entitled to call the shots, when I promise you, its the other way round.
You're 24 with your life ahead of you, and countless options as to how to spend that life, and with whom. You don't need to fall in with the plans of some guy pushing 40 who seems to see you as sex on tap and the mother of the children he wants before he's too old.
Find your confidence, call his bluff, and tell him you won't be pushed. You'll replace him a lot easier than he will you if it comes to it.

Naunet · 20/03/2023 15:50

It is no coincidence that he’s pushing to live together and have kids just as you’ve landed your dream job. This man has red flags all over him, has he even mentioned marriage or does he want you pregnant and dependant on him without any protections? He’s so much older than you, he’s not supporting you and your dreams and he’s trying to push you into things you don’t what, including sexually. Why would you think you need to bend to that?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/03/2023 15:54

Op, you know this relationship is all wrong for you, please end it. There will be nothing but tears and more abuse in your future if you stay with him. FGS, please stop wasting your youth on him.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 20/03/2023 15:55

Sounds like you are totally unmatched OP. Although it's hard to leave someone when you care about them, I do think ending this would be the best decision for you. Aside from the manipulative behaviour, the kids thing is a huge problem and won't resolve its self without someone backing down. From the sounds of it, he won't.

gannett · 20/03/2023 15:55

No no no no no do not move in with him. Preferably still break the relationship off completely.

It's not normal to feel uncomfortable and powerless around your partner, especially to the extent that you're pre-emptively worrying about this being a repeated pattern. Let me repeat that, this is not a healthy thing to feel in a relationship. Not even a new one. Not even when you don't know each other fully. A healthy relationship feels like a safe space, even when you argue and disagree.

The conflicts around sex and wanting children aren't minor things, they're major and fundamental incompatibilities. Even more so if they're not resolved yet. Even if everything else in the relationship was perfect, disagreement on those two things should be enough to end it.

Your feeling that you're not safe plus the unresolved disagreement about sex is incredibly dangerous territory.

The pressure and emotional blackmailing he's laying on you is also a huge warning sign. People in a healthy relationship respect their partners when they say they're not ready for sex, for moving in, for kids etc etc. They don't try to override your feelings on those matters by framing it as a litmus test of your love.

You say you've spent happy times with him and he's cared for you. That's great! I'm not saying those moments weren't real. But that's not enough. Don't make the mistake of seizing on to the best bits in an attempt to block out the bad bits.

It's OK to move on from a flawed relationship despite the positive bits, if the negative bits outweigh them.

Bananalanacake · 20/03/2023 15:56

How long had you been together when you first moved in? I have something called the 5 year rule, which is,,, No discussion of moving in until we've been together at least 5 years, I like my own space like you. All my previous BFs respected this, if any man would have kicked up a fuss I'd have shown him the door. I was exactly your age when I got a great job and moved to London, I lived in an all female house share and did what I wanted every night, no way would I bow down to a man's demands. I dated men,,, meal, night out, sex, no way would I have wanted to live with one, I didn't even want them staying overnight. What YOU want is what matters.

Coraline353 · 20/03/2023 15:56

Leaving the specifics of this relationship aside, as a general rule for life, don't move in with any man unless you're excited about it and think it's absolutely what you want. It's a big step and a big commitment. Just don't do it if you don't want to.

Specifically any man who gives this kind of ultimatum is not worth it. I don't think you are fully committed here but with good reason as you have really incompatible expectations

MyriadOfTravels · 20/03/2023 15:58

You have different outlook on life. And you are not wanting the same thing

  • children vs no children
  • sex everyday vs less sex
  • his way vs taking into account your needs.
  • at different stages in your life
You’re not compatible.

You’re still young, live your life as a 24yo. Find out what works fir you, a job you love, live in your own on your own two feet. And then consider moving in with someone.

SavBlancTonight · 20/03/2023 16:01

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 15:29

@Whoiscomingtosaveyou That’s true, I just feel like I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Eg I keep asking myself, ‘Am I not being adaptable and flexible enough?’ ‘Am I not accommodating his desires and just thinking about myself and what I would prefer?’, etc etc and over and over again.

But why do you have to be adaptable and flexible? It sounds to me like right now, you're not ready to make the level of commitment he wants. That's perfectly fine. In any relationship, it's perfectly acceptable for one person to want something different to the other person.

Equally, it's perfectly okay for the other person to say, "this is very important to me and if it's not what you want, then this relationship isn't working."

I think that's where you've got to. It may have been a good relationship in the past, but now you want different things. you want to focus on your career and building your life. He wants to settle down and have a family.

So I think this relationship has run its course and I'd suggest perhaps it's time to separate.

PS am ignoring the sex thing only because that's a whole different issue but if you're compatible in terms of basic wants and desires, there's no point even attempting to work on the sex issue.

pippinsleftleg · 20/03/2023 16:04

Putting aside the massive red flags, the latest Episode of the Modern Wisdom podcast is about making big decisions, such as whether to stay in a relationship so is we’ll worth a listen.

You said you’re worried about putting you own needs above his, but if you don’t put your needs first no one else is going to (and certainly not him).

And please don’t stay in a relationship where you have to learn to drive in case you need to escape him.

MargotMoon · 20/03/2023 16:04

Please listen to your instincts!! You've listed several reasons why you don't want him to move in - ignore them at your peril.

I learnt the hard way - I agreed for my boyfriend to move in a few years ago. The night before I had a massive panic attack about it but told myself I was being daft and let it go ahead as he had nowhere else to go. Obviously he turned out to be a massive cocklodger and it took a year for the whole thing to play out and get rid of him.

Nellieinthebarn · 20/03/2023 16:04

What are you thinking? He sounds like a horrible man, it doesnt matter how drunk he is you should never feel afraid to be with him. It doesn't matter how many times he wants sex and you don't, you should never feel pressurised to do it. If you don't want children and its a deal breaker for him, he should have ended the relationship with you not be trying to make you change your mind. He should be supporting your career, not making you feel overwhlemed.

That is not selfishness, that voice you hear is your own sense of preservation struggling to be heard. Basically, the guy is a cunt, and you should get out while you still can and before you find yourself tied to him with a couple of kids, no job, no stake in the property and he has alienated you from your family and friends. Believe me, it will happen.

JudgeRudy · 20/03/2023 16:06

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 14:59

Hi all,

A bit of background: I’m 24, he’s 38. I moved into his house 9 months ago for about a month and it didn’t work out for a number of reasons (1) I was a new graduate and couldn’t find a well-suited job in that area, and (2) we had a massive argument after he became tipsy one night, and I felt uncomfortable and powerless staying in his house, especially because I couldn’t even drive/ get away at the time, and I ended up walking around the streets into the early hours. Another bit of info: we’ve had conflict around sex in the past, eg. him wanting it most nights and me wanting it a couple of times per week, which hasn’t really been resolved despite frequent discussions. I’m also a massive introvert and need my own space; he’s also an introvert but not to the same extent. And another bit of info: he’s been increasingly suggesting that he wants children, whereas I do not.

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen. Anyway, I’ve now landed my dream job, and life should be looking up. Instead I’m racked by anxiety about moving in with him. My issues are:
(1) I’ve not yet passed my driving test (I’m taking another test on the next available date) and I want that freedom to be able to drive off if we ever fall out again.
(2) There’s still those unresolved issues around sex.
(3) I’d ideally like to stay in my parents’ house a bit longer to save money for a deposit and mortgage in an affordable but nice area, rather than spend money on renting.
(4) I’m just about to start my new dream (but demanding) job, and I don’t deal with huge change well, so I’d like to tackle one change at a time. It’s overwhelming for me to think about a new job and a new living situation in a city that I’m not familiar with (we would have to rent in a different city in order for us both to be in commuting distance to out jobs).
(5) I worry about the longterm longevity of the relationship, if he’s increasingly feeling that he wants children whereas I don’t.

Anyway, he’s a great person in so many ways, has invested a lot in the relationship, and has cared deeply for me, and I’ve spent some of the most happy moments of my life with him. However he’s implying that I’m not fully invested in the relationship if I don’t want to move in now. Do you think I’m being selfish/not being committed enough for not wanting to move in with him (at least not for the time being)?

I don't necessarily think there's anything wrong (manipulative, controlling) with what your BF is suggesting, but it doesn't suit you. He's older and talking about family, you're just starting off in your career. Then there's other areas of mismatch.it doesn't sound like this relationship has longevity so maybe time to go your separate ways. He's said now or never. You don't want now so it's never then, rather than later. Doesn't matter who ends it, you because he was too intense or him because you were young /didn't know ehat you wanted/messed him about.

Slimjimtobe · 20/03/2023 16:07

That’s a huge age gap ! Huge
plus he is horrible and manipulating you

you have so much going for you

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 20/03/2023 16:07

He makes you feel anxious, and you are already making plans for how you can get away from him if you are living together. Everybody deserves better than this. You should be feeling safe and cared-about as a bare minimum in a relationship.

xfan · 20/03/2023 16:09

You've probably only been chosen due to your age... can't he date within his own age band? No woman near his own age wants him? What's his relationship history?

WildFlowerBees · 20/03/2023 16:10

🚩🚩🚩🚩

So many of these, life won't get easier with him. He wants children you do not. That's huge. You're at a great age to enjoy life and get your career going.

I'd think very carefully about being with someone who blatantly disregards your feelings on important matters.

Channellingsophistication · 20/03/2023 16:12

definitely do not move in!

you dont sound compatible and are at different stages of your lives.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 20/03/2023 16:17

He now wants to move in imminently, and has suggested that if it doesn’t happen now, it’s never going to happen.

"OK, byeee"

Living with him was a nightmare the first time around, it won't improve on a second.
He wants children, you do not.
He is sexually demanding.
You have already felt the power differential when you lived with him previously.
You have several practical reasons not to want to move in with him.
You are feeling anxious at the prospect.

It's a no-brainer innit?

You have a whole life to live.
Focus on your career, savings & independence, & when you are ready to leave your parents' house, buy your starter home in your own name only.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 20/03/2023 16:18

@Anaphora1

Op do yourself the favour and end this before it gets worse.

He will guilt and manipulate you into things you don't want. You have your whole life ahead of you and sound like you have a clear idea of where you want to be and what you want. (Congrats on the new job!) Learn to be fully independent before taking such a massive leap.

He's in a completely different stage of life. Things will never feel balanced between you. A big age gap isn't something I would normally comment on but in this instance you're both not on the same page. There would be far too many massive compromises you'll be forced to make. Resentment will build and if you're feeling trapped now, imagine how you will feel when there's children involved and no financial security for you.

He doesn't even sound like he's willing wait for you to grow into your career and future ambitions. He wants it now or never with you. I couldn't live like that.

And, then there's the issue around sex. You should feel comfortable and both of your needs ideally should match. He sounds coercive and bordering on abusive. Don't put yourself in that situation it will break your confidence and self worth.

You are worth so much more than this guys pressure and wants. You have a full life and opportunities ahead of you. Embrace it, otherwise you'll look back at this point in your life and regret that you didn't at least try for yourself. You posting here shows that you know this to be true.

Be the strong, capable woman you seem to be. It's going to hurt ending things but if you stay there will be more hurt and bigger issues.

lalaloopyhead · 20/03/2023 16:18

Definitely don't move in - first and foremost because it sounds like you really don't to. These issues will only get worse once you move in together.

You are young and have plenty of time for settling down, even if he doesn't

You need to think why you feel the need for an escape route (ie being able to drive etc), why were you uncomfortable with him when he was tipsy (so not even drunk?) - this all implies you are afraid of him. I don't think I have ever felt the need to have means to be able to get away from someone, on the off chance we fall out.

You sound like you have plenty going for you - concentrate on your new job and yourself, there is nothing selfish about that.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 20/03/2023 16:19

Anaphora1 · 20/03/2023 15:29

@Whoiscomingtosaveyou That’s true, I just feel like I’m constantly second-guessing myself. Eg I keep asking myself, ‘Am I not being adaptable and flexible enough?’ ‘Am I not accommodating his desires and just thinking about myself and what I would prefer?’, etc etc and over and over again.

Why should you be flexible & adaptable just to please him, but not yourself?

Who else is going to understand & enact your desires, if not yourself?

I can assure you he's not wondering if HE's being selfish. Even when he pressures you for sex.

BensonStabler · 20/03/2023 16:21

Whoiscomingtosaveyou · 20/03/2023 15:25

Listen to your gut. It’s telling you there’s something wrong for good reason.

THIS a million times!

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 20/03/2023 16:21

Be your own best friend, OP. Leave him.

Congratulations on the dream job! I wish you every success.