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Relationships
Married or not? What do you think of this ?
atoughone · 18/03/2023 20:52
Chatting to a man for the week. We will meet early next week.
I am trying not to be distrustful or cynical but I'd like your opinions on whether you think he is married or not , please.
He said..
He's separated three years.
His children are still distraught , never saw it coming as they didn't argue.
Children are mid teens.
Kids with him eow and a few nights per week.
He has a really good job .
A beautiful car and his own home.
A lovely one in a great area.
All of the above is true.
He wants what I want ..
A casual but exclusive relationship, due to lack of time.
He wants it to be discreet as his kids are still devastated.
Doesn't want to rub his wife's nose in it and respects her.
He said his wife and he grew apart and were more like housemates.
We've spoken on the phone and text consistently throughout the day but when his kids have been with him, he is much slower to respond or initiate.
We will meet in a very public place next week in a locality close to his home.
I have told him that I also want discreet but not a secret , in that I don't want my kids finding out as they too are devastated about my own marriage break up.and they're too delicate right now.
He agreed with this.
What are your thoughts here?
My own ex cheated on me a few years ago so while I've done the work , I may be too cynical.
Blushingm · 18/03/2023 20:57
I think he's sounds ok
I've been with my bf 10 months - he's divorced but his kids don't know about me. They are his priority and when he gas them with him yes he's slower to reply but I'd rather he be engaging with his kids than on his phone the whole time.
Im meeting his 2 best friends next weekend - they know about me and always ask. When bf was with his exw him and his friends and their wives woukd go on hols together etc so for them to actually want to meet me is a big thing. They've all been friends for over 25 years
tribpot · 18/03/2023 20:58
So at the most literal level, you already know he is still married, because he's separated and not divorced. However, given you haven't actually met him yet, how do you know for sure that he has a lovely house of his own? (As in, without his wife).
What has a little digging on social media told you?
I find it a little odd that his children would still be devastated to this extent three years after a separation. Not that you'd be wanting to meet them for a good long while anyway, but what has he said about meeting his friends or his wider family?
His wife also hasn't dated during this three year separation?
He said his wife and he grew apart and were more like housemates.
I'm sure you recognise this is straight from 'the script' but then it's more usually used as an excuse to get you to help him cheat on his wife, whereas given he is (apparently) separated, he wouldn't need that.
It seems a bit off to me, but these are very early days. I think I would meet him but be cautious and see what your instincts are saying after a few dates (and certainly before you sleep with him).
atoughone · 18/03/2023 21:01
I had said that if thinks took off between us , I would be talking about it to my friends , that it wouldn't be a secret.
He said he would only ever tell his close friends.
Must be something more here I think.
Do I need to do some digging?
Although when I was first single and dating, I said the exact same thing to my now ex bf.
HowRatherGolly · 18/03/2023 21:02
hmm, the cynical me is thinking that having been separated 3 years and not yet divorced? What are the reasons?
The thing is its so easy to manipulate anyone on the internet dating platform pretending to be someone, saying anything and selling themselves to real in new side piece, too may of them on OLD.
But that is the cynical me
EastAngle · 18/03/2023 21:06
3 years on the kids are distraught….Warning you that the relationship will be secret…….All sounds odd. That are his OLD photos like, in sunglasses perhaps or taken from a distance perhaps?
atoughone · 18/03/2023 21:06
Said he was anonymous on line as his daughter was also on line dating and didn't want anyone knowing his business.
Although he did put up
Quite telling photos of an exclusive place that anyone who knew he was there may have made the connection , if that makes sense.
Justmuddlingalong · 18/03/2023 21:07
I think he expects you to toe the lines he's drawn. I think you'll get sucked in and accept the crumbs he offers. He'll tell you he told you his expectations from the start and that you're unreasonable when you want more in the long term.
Mumofnarnia · 18/03/2023 21:10
atoughone · 18/03/2023 20:52
Chatting to a man for the week. We will meet early next week.
I am trying not to be distrustful or cynical but I'd like your opinions on whether you think he is married or not , please.
He said..
He's separated three years.
His children are still distraught , never saw it coming as they didn't argue.
Children are mid teens.
Kids with him eow and a few nights per week.
He has a really good job .
A beautiful car and his own home.
A lovely one in a great area.
All of the above is true.
He wants what I want ..
A casual but exclusive relationship, due to lack of time.
He wants it to be discreet as his kids are still devastated.
Doesn't want to rub his wife's nose in it and respects her.
He said his wife and he grew apart and were more like housemates.
We've spoken on the phone and text consistently throughout the day but when his kids have been with him, he is much slower to respond or initiate.
We will meet in a very public place next week in a locality close to his home.
I have told him that I also want discreet but not a secret , in that I don't want my kids finding out as they too are devastated about my own marriage break up.and they're too delicate right now.
He agreed with this.
What are your thoughts here?
My own ex cheated on me a few years ago so while I've done the work , I may be too cynical.
How do you know if he has a beautiful home and his own home in a great area if you’ve never met him? People on OLD can spin all sorts of rubbish. I’m very sceptical unless I’ve actually met someone in person
SpringIntoChaos · 18/03/2023 21:11
Have you even seen photographs of him OP?
I think he's still very much married.
atoughone · 18/03/2023 21:13
Plenty of photos of him, him in his home , outside his home , car etc
Avarua2 · 18/03/2023 21:13
Three years separated but not yet divorced... Either a liar or a procrastinator. Neither great signs.
SpringIntoChaos · 18/03/2023 21:20
Have you spoken on the phone? FaceTimed/video called?
Sandra1984 · 18/03/2023 21:21
I would meet him for a drink and feel for yourself. I would ask for his real name after the date and without him knowing I would do some digging. I would wait a couple of months at least before sleeping with this guy till you have a more solid story. “Proceed with caution” would be my advice.
ToBeFrancesca · 18/03/2023 21:21
atoughone · 18/03/2023 21:17
No sign of him on social media
I'd say this was a massive plus!
That aside, the PP is right who said that he's told you very clearly what he wants and what he's prepared to give in return. Whatever his marital status, you will have to be happy with crumbs. This might suit you in your own situation, but what often happens is that the woman gets very attached and wants more, while the man (reasonably, really) continues to act exactly as he said he would in the first place...
DivorcedAndDelighted · 18/03/2023 21:23
The being separated for 3 years but not divorced wouldn't bother me as I have known quite a few people take their time to sort divorce. They may just not see the need for it if they've agreed terms. However, I'd certainly ask him why he's not divorced yet. And ask him why you think his kids would be devastated by him dating 3 years after separation - that's not normal. Has nobody really talked to them about the reality of this?
Treat the meeting like a job interview. You're trying to find out if you're compatible, so I'd ask all the important questions now. If it's important to you, bring it up. You can do it in a spirit of friendly enquiry. Have a look at this article on Why to ask personal questions on your first date
Mumofnarnia · 18/03/2023 21:24
atoughone · 18/03/2023 21:17
No sign of him on social media
Surprise surprise. A man who has a ‘wife’ who he separated from 3 years ago because they were like ‘housemates’ and is not traceable on social media is a red flag for me. A similar thing has happened to me before so my guard is well up.
Also bear in mind he could be that he might be giving you a fake name, I’ve had that before too!
Sandra1984 · 18/03/2023 21:24
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 18/03/2023 21:23
Did you look on LinkedIn?
It doesn’t show people’s married or single status.
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 18/03/2023 21:32
You can see pics and what comments people have written about stuff . Could give some information!
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