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Original poster

Married or not? What do you think of this ?

167 replies

atoughone · 18/03/2023 20:52

Chatting to a man for the week. We will meet early next week.
I am trying not to be distrustful or cynical but I'd like your opinions on whether you think he is married or not , please.

He said..

He's separated three years.
His children are still distraught , never saw it coming as they didn't argue.
Children are mid teens.
Kids with him eow and a few nights per week.

He has a really good job .
A beautiful car and his own home.
A lovely one in a great area.
All of the above is true.

He wants what I want ..
A casual but exclusive relationship, due to lack of time.
He wants it to be discreet as his kids are still devastated.
Doesn't want to rub his wife's nose in it and respects her.
He said his wife and he grew apart and were more like housemates.

We've spoken on the phone and text consistently throughout the day but when his kids have been with him, he is much slower to respond or initiate.
We will meet in a very public place next week in a locality close to his home.

I have told him that I also want discreet but not a secret , in that I don't want my kids finding out as they too are devastated about my own marriage break up.and they're too delicate right now.
He agreed with this.

What are your thoughts here?
My own ex cheated on me a few years ago so while I've done the work , I may be too cynical.

OP posts:
Kpcs · 19/03/2023 00:02

Google image search his pictures

Monty27 · 19/03/2023 00:03

I'm marking my place on this thread. I can't wait for the outcome of the date.
You must go OP and keep us posted 😃

Original poster
atoughone · 19/03/2023 00:10

I absolutely will and regardless .. I hope it helps us all .
I actually text him earlier and said ... is there anything I need to know before this date .. real names / real information. He hasn't text back !!! But he has read it !

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves23 · 19/03/2023 00:16

atoughone · 18/03/2023 22:56

But this is what I want also !
Low commitment , discretion and just something for me for a change .
Does this make me awful??

It doesn’t make you awful. It does make you prime catch for men who are married unfortunately.

Lieslies · 19/03/2023 00:17

He's still very married.

The biggest flag is that he doesn't want his 'ex' wife to find out because he doesn't want to rub her nose in it. In what exactly? That he's dating 3 years after they separated when they weren't even in love any more anyway? Yeah, right.

AutumnLeaves23 · 19/03/2023 00:19

@Lieslies unfortunately I also agree. And if he’s not married, I would be quite wary of exactly why after 3 years he doesn’t want his wife to know. I’d be wary that he’s not been the nicest Ex or there is possibly some kind of litigation or he’s controlling or something…

FuriousFurious · 19/03/2023 00:26

My friend has started to recognise the script after a few years of online dating. Now when someone says they're separated, she asks 'does your wife know you're separated?'

larkstar · 19/03/2023 00:36

If you do see him ask him to get his phone out and prove his name by logging in to an energy app, bank, etc - his name would also be on debit/credit cards - my wife would have no qualms about doing this if she was in your situation.

OnaBegonia · 19/03/2023 00:56

An 18 yr old is devastated and delicate about her parents splitting 3 yrs ago? Aye ok then, do these guys believe the shit they trot out?

WidthofaLine · 19/03/2023 01:02

What will you be wearing when you meet up, a trenchcoat and dark sunglasses ?

Christ I couldn't be arsed with the subtefuge.

All this groundwork he's laid out and you've not even set eyes on him yet.

Hop27 · 19/03/2023 01:10

Catfish, and a married one at that! I have visions of an impossibly handsome older man, outside his holiday home, beside his DB9, flying a helicopter or prop plane, he describes him self as a successful businessman........reality is he's probably some average bored overweight man who wants a quick shag. You can do better OP, have you FaceTimed?

mrshenny · 19/03/2023 01:42

atoughone · 18/03/2023 22:18

His salary would be approx £ 80k but still , it seems like a massive outlay at his age.
He is very well spoken, family lives in a very posh area , expensive holidays etc . Kids in a few paying school , move in those circles etc .

His kids go to a fee paying school? On £80k? Struggling to believe it unless his wife is also on a big salary and contributing. Our income isn't much less and we would not be able to put our kids in fee paying school and also have money for flash holidays etc etc.

100% he's married, sadly I've been in your shoes before. So so many red flags!! I would run, his kids are teens there's no reason they can't be mature enough to handle Dad having a new girlfriend. His social media absence and reason for it is likely a lie and you will not find it because he won't give you his real name. This happened to me, although the guy I was seeing said he isn't married and never has been, came up with all kinds of excuses why I couldn't go to his house (claimed he was a lodger in a friends house and they didn't let him have people over), claimed it was temporary until he bought his own place soon. Went on a lads holiday, but no pictures to show for it. Paid for everything in cash etc etc. after not too long I "split up with him" because it was too obvious, he continued to say I was crazy and he wasn't married through everything!! I could never find him on social media. When I met my husband who is a huge nerd I told him and he set out to find him online and found him within an hour and I was right the twat had been married the whole time and didn't tell me his real name.

Run run run and then run a bit faster!!

Burntouted · 19/03/2023 02:58

Leave him alone permanently.

He needs to focus on his children right now.

He shouldn't be trying to become involved with anyone right now.

Why are you swooning over someone that is disregarding his children's feelings and emotions. His children are distraught, and he's on the internet picking up women.

Smh.

JimnJoyce · 19/03/2023 06:01

if he has no online presence because his daughter is on dating sites and he doesnt want people knowing his business, how/where did you find him to chat to?

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/03/2023 06:07

It sounds more like he just wants to be friends with benefits. He has said he wants a casual relationship, but I think the transition is actually f buddy. He won’t tell anyone as he still wants to be ‘single’. It’s fine if you are happy with this. But if you want a relationship as well you might be better to move on.

JussathoB · 19/03/2023 07:20

Sounds like a recipe for being used and manipulated and possibly for heartbreak if you start to develop feelings. The situation is complicated on both sides.
Wondering why you are so tempted. Must be a good photo, since you haven’t actually met yet?
what is a relationship which is ‘casual but exclusive’ ? Actually?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/03/2023 07:53

Even if he's not still with his wife (which he most likely is) how can you be arsed with all the subterfuge and drama. Why not find someone available?

Separated with a lovely house/car/Fee paying schools....all on £80k a year. Yeah right.

qpmz · 19/03/2023 07:59

I'd go on the first date with him and worry about it after that. You might not even fancy him so no point thinking too far ahead. If you do fancy him then you can ask him outright if he's still married.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 08:15

He wants it to be discreet as his kids are still devastated.
Every separated parent should be discreet about dating as far as their children are concerned.

Doesn't want to rub his wife's nose in it and respects her.
At best - is still thinking in terms of what his wife will think.
Worse - he's more concerned about what she thinks than in moving on with his life, & is still emotionally enmeshed.
Worst - he's not "separated".

Why would him dating be rubbing his wife's nose in it?
Why is he not divorced?
All this is a bit precious, 3 years on. I'm not buying it.
It's not necessary to discuss this stuff about discretion & nose-rubbing before you've even met for a first date. He's boundary-testing you to see if you'll accept his terms.
You WILL be a secret.

He has a really good job .
A beautiful car and his own home.
A lovely one in a great area.
All of the above is true.
It may well be, but how do you KNOW?
You only have his word for it.
And who lives in that lovely home with him?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 08:24

atoughone · 18/03/2023 22:56

But this is what I want also !
Low commitment , discretion and just something for me for a change .
Does this make me awful??

Of course not.

You are using words honestly. Your new date is using them as smokescreen.

"I'm anonymous on OLD because my teen DD, who is too young to register, is also on OLD" ... yeah right mate.

Youcanhavehim · 19/03/2023 09:02

Trust your gut feeling

FlibbertyGibbitt · 19/03/2023 09:39

There’s a lot of angst for someone you’ve not even met yet !

NevieSticks · 19/03/2023 10:30

A bungalow? 80k salary and you think that is high? I don't think it is him who is the catfish....

Original poster
atoughone · 19/03/2023 10:32

@NevieSticks I don't understand ?

OP posts:
Original poster
atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:01

Well I have had the conversation with him and basically asked him if he was just looking for a fuck buddy that was going g to be essentially anonymous.
He basically told me that he couldn't handle the mistrust and suspicion and wasn't interested in meeting up anymore.

He said that he'd never wanted to keep a relationship hidden despite insisting in discretion and would only tell one friend if anything was to happen. I have really offended him clearly.

He felt that on line dating just wasn't for him anymore with the level of suspicion and mistrust and just wants a simple
Life so is going off line .

OP posts:
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