Married or not? What do you think of this ?

[atoughone]

Chatting to a man for the week. We will meet early next week.
I am trying not to be distrustful or cynical but I'd like your opinions on whether you think he is married or not , please.

He said..

He's separated three years.
His children are still distraught , never saw it coming as they didn't argue.
Children are mid teens.
Kids with him eow and a few nights per week.

He has a really good job .
A beautiful car and his own home.
A lovely one in a great area.
All of the above is true.

He wants what I want ..
A casual but exclusive relationship, due to lack of time.
He wants it to be discreet as his kids are still devastated.
Doesn't want to rub his wife's nose in it and respects her.
He said his wife and he grew apart and were more like housemates.

We've spoken on the phone and text consistently throughout the day but when his kids have been with him, he is much slower to respond or initiate.
We will meet in a very public place next week in a locality close to his home.

I have told him that I also want discreet but not a secret , in that I don't want my kids finding out as they too are devastated about my own marriage break up.and they're too delicate right now.
He agreed with this.

What are your thoughts here?
My own ex cheated on me a few years ago so while I've done the work , I may be too cynical.

[TeaandLemonDrizzle]

He sounds ok to me. Keep your guard up though. I’m the female version of him and my divorce has been dragging on for over two years and we have been separated for four! One reason was that I had a crap team of solicitors and the other, stbx wants the biggest share of the cake and has been playing dirty (I instigated the marriage split due to a sexless marriage).

My eldest is starting university this year and the youngest is doing GCSE’s so know what he means about keeping things stable for the kids.

See what he is like and what you can find out. If he is like me, he is probably feeling very lonely and neglected.

[Mumofnarnia]

@Deathbyfluffy

You need to separate yourself from other peoples opinions, and realise that he might just be after the same thing as you for similar reasons.

It’s very easy to get drawn into the MN mindset of ‘omg he must be a cheat!!! Burn him at the stake!’
But stop and think logically - if you’re after the same thing with no ulterior motive then surely he could be too?

The only way to find out is to explore the relationship further without relying on strangers on the internet.

His reaction to her question says it all though. If he was genuine he wouldn’t have minded op asking questions like that. I have a lot of experience with OLD and those who get offended at the slightest thing and then make you sound like you’re the one with a problem just because you asked them a simple question is a big red flag

[TeaandLemonDrizzle]

I also go anonymous on dating sites simply because of my job and I wouldn’t want colleagues (and staff I manage) knowing my personal business.

Like someone else said…proceed with caution.

[Mumofnarnia]

@TeaandLemonDrizzle

I also go anonymous on dating sites simply because of my job and I wouldn’t want colleagues (and staff I manage) knowing my personal business.

Like someone else said…proceed with caution.

So do I. But once I get chatting to someone and realise they are no connection to my work or other parts of my life I do tend to give out little details about my life. I’m not completely untraceable on social media or google. I just find it odd that someone would get offended by a small question, ancxuse them of suspicion and mistrust and cancel the date etc.

[atoughone]

He cancelled on me last week as there was a work crisis also.
He said he wasn't chatting to anyone else in line .. yet when we were whatsapping, he was always online intermittently between exchanges . Now that might not mean too much but for someone who is not in WhatsApp a lot , according to him, it seemed a little dubious to me.
He took hours to get back in the evenings but was in line all through the day chatting to me.
He competes at a high level in his chosen sport and has won competitions and still nothing on line about that. Seems strange .

But yes , asking him what he wanted based on what I had gleaned from conversation and him throwing a strop saying he didn't want to meet anymore due to mistrust and suspicion .... I think there's the proof right there .
Up to that, he was so excited to meet as was I .
In fact, once he suggested we actually have coffee in the car when we met !!!!

[Dinersaur]

@atoughone

He did give me his name but he got confused between his alleged name on line and his real name .
It is very unusual not to have a single sign of anyone on line .. even on Google when involved in work and sport at a high level but there is literally nothing

He did not get confused about his own actual name. If he was confused it is because they were both fake names.

[atoughone]

Exactly @Dinersaur

[atoughone]

He'd forgotten which one he'd used with me .

[Dinersaur]

@atoughone

He'd forgotten which one he'd used with me .

So think about how many other women he has on the go if he's losing track of who has what name for him? Really lucky escape. The reason you're doubting is because he's very good at what he does and has manipulated you.

I met a man once whose pictures he messaged me directly were not the same as on his dating profile. Different man. He swore they were all him. He told me something that made me realise we had a mutual acquaintance and a Facebook snoop showed me he'd used a false name, he was in a long term relationship, using pictures of a friend who lived elsewhere in the country but looked similar to him on his dating profile. Once he'd sussed i didn't have connections to his partner he sent me real pics of him, he was just a bit cocky and gave too much away. I told him i knew and he just blocked me on everything immediately. We live in a fairly small town so the chances of him getting caught are fairly high, he must either not care if his partner leaves him or be pretty confident she wouldn't.

A lot of scumbags out there!

[Mumofnarnia]

@atoughone

He cancelled on me last week as there was a work crisis also.
He said he wasn't chatting to anyone else in line .. yet when we were whatsapping, he was always online intermittently between exchanges . Now that might not mean too much but for someone who is not in WhatsApp a lot , according to him, it seemed a little dubious to me.
He took hours to get back in the evenings but was in line all through the day chatting to me.
He competes at a high level in his chosen sport and has won competitions and still nothing on line about that. Seems strange .

But yes , asking him what he wanted based on what I had gleaned from conversation and him throwing a strop saying he didn't want to meet anymore due to mistrust and suspicion .... I think there's the proof right there .
Up to that, he was so excited to meet as was I .
In fact, once he suggested we actually have coffee in the car when we met !!!!

A coffee in the car 🤣🤣
In other words he’s got you in an enclosed space and thinks something a bit more than a coffee will happen. Honestly I’ve found that with OLD if you cannot find any tan out them on google regarding these competitions he says he’s won then it’s unlikely he’s actually who he says he is.

[StopStartStop]

Married etc.

[atoughone]

It's the first time this has happened me and I'm not sure if I'm shocked, bemused but r doubting that he really is a genuinely naive man who wants to keep things quiet because of his kids and not to rub his ex wife's nose in it.
He seemed so decent and genuine and interested but not in a love bombing way.
Very disappointed.
As if I wasn't untrusting enough as it was , I really feel like throwing in the towel now.
Still, there must be something in me that felt there was something very off when all the interactions were respectful and lovely.
Jumping ship when I asked him to clarify what he wanted tells me everything nb I need to know.
It will be interesting g to see if he contacts me again .

[Cheesehamandoniontoastie]

If what he is saying about his sport is the truth, but he's using a false name so you can't find him, then it really wouldn't be hard to find his real name.

[atoughone]

I think I may have found a name but I'm going to keep digging

[merlotlover]

@Madbadanddangeroustoo

When you meet him check out his shoes, if he has such a great house and assets he will have very good shoes. I once sussed out a conman because he didn't. Sounds silly but it goes with the whole idea you may be being sold. Hope he is the real deal and works out for you.

I totally agree with this. I'm not materialistic but this guy on line kept telling me about his big mansion of a house, expensive cars etc. I went for a lunch date drink in a busy pub with him. He came in a suit - which was weird to a country pub at lunchtime (hadn't left work or anything) maybe his only decent clothing but by god his shoes! What a state they were. We walked back to our cars and he had a right old banger too. Money doesn't bother me but all the lies 😵‍💫

[barrywhitey]

Seems like you're getting WAY too invested in this. Keep swiping and forget this dude. Going forward don't get invested so early on, you're sounding a bit obsessed. He's a creep you've exchanged a few messages with and busted as a hustler...move on.

[premicrois]

@atoughone

I think I may have found a name but I'm going to keep digging

Why?

[ClaraBourne]

So you have been chatting to a wealthy guy who values his privacy and now you seem obsessed.

Just leave it.

[atoughone]

I'm
Obsessed with finding the truth having been catfished. Is that so bad ?

[larkstar]

If he was a smart, sensitive and understanding guy he'd have some insight into the problems and risks of the dating game from a woman's perspective and if he was serious about trying to find a partner he'd go out of his way to alsy any fears or concerns you might have, ideally before you even raised them - his reaction, I think, is all the proof you need to confirm that he wasn't genuine - really, if he was serious about you - how much trouble would it be to prove who he was, to provide some evidence to confirm a few facts - wouldn't that be worth it - to get the meetings off to a very positive start?

[TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu]

@Deathbyfluffy

You need to separate yourself from other peoples opinions, and realise that he might just be after the same thing as you for similar reasons.

It’s very easy to get drawn into the MN mindset of ‘omg he must be a cheat!!! Burn him at the stake!’
But stop and think logically - if you’re after the same thing with no ulterior motive then surely he could be too?

The only way to find out is to explore the relationship further without relying on strangers on the internet.

But stop and think logically - if you’re after the same thing with no ulterior motive then surely he could be too?

OP has thought logically.
Logic says that there's no way she's after the same thing as this man, because she's not setting him up for secrecy & lying about her name.
Or DARVO'ing him when caught at it.

[premicrois]

@atoughone

I'm
Obsessed with finding the truth having been catfished. Is that so bad ?

It's absolutely crazy.

There is no value in obsession here.

[Sandra1984]

@atoughone He did give me his name but he got confused between his alleged name on line and his real name.

yeahhh… I also get confused when I give my real name 🤣😂🤣 (insert sarcastic tone)

@atoughone In fact, once he suggested we actually have coffee in the car when we met !!!!

what a charmer. This guy is so married and afraid of getting “busted” it hurts 🤣

[tribpot]

Coffee in the car with a complete stranger 😱Did he think it would be too obvious if he suggested meeting in a dark alley or deserted moor? (Not suggesting he really is a serial killer, just that this is a massive red flag, as any man with sense would have known).

[bluebell34567]

@atoughone

I'm
Obsessed with finding the truth having been catfished. Is that so bad ?

to me not.
i would want to know who did this to me, too.
but i am not sure if you will be able to find much or do much after finding him.