Married or not? What do you think of this ?

[atoughone]

Chatting to a man for the week. We will meet early next week.
I am trying not to be distrustful or cynical but I'd like your opinions on whether you think he is married or not , please.

He said..

He's separated three years.
His children are still distraught , never saw it coming as they didn't argue.
Children are mid teens.
Kids with him eow and a few nights per week.

He has a really good job .
A beautiful car and his own home.
A lovely one in a great area.
All of the above is true.

He wants what I want ..
A casual but exclusive relationship, due to lack of time.
He wants it to be discreet as his kids are still devastated.
Doesn't want to rub his wife's nose in it and respects her.
He said his wife and he grew apart and were more like housemates.

We've spoken on the phone and text consistently throughout the day but when his kids have been with him, he is much slower to respond or initiate.
We will meet in a very public place next week in a locality close to his home.

I have told him that I also want discreet but not a secret , in that I don't want my kids finding out as they too are devastated about my own marriage break up.and they're too delicate right now.
He agreed with this.

What are your thoughts here?
My own ex cheated on me a few years ago so while I've done the work , I may be too cynical.

[Viviennemary]

He will be a one date wonder. that's if he is even separated from his wife. Even if he isnt then he will be one of those cancelling at the last minute not calling leaving you wondering. Already warning you about all his commitments laying the ground for a piss poor relationship IMHO. Don't think I'd bother.

[atoughone]

@Shadesofscarlett don't be one bit concerned about me ! I'm a big girl but am stuck between a history of untrustworthy men and a born romantic .
It's light . I just wanted perspective and opinion from those who may have some experience with this.
As you can understand after being cheated on, the last thing I want is to be the ow. In fact if I found out I was , even for his texting , calls and expressed needs , I would forward every single text to let her know what a sleaze her husband is so she could know and have agency in her own life .
I know I would have appreciated that rather than becoming the laughing stock of my village .

[atoughone]

I agree @DisneyPrincesss .

[InSpainTheRain]

He's still marries and very much with his wife and kids. He's lining you up to be the OW. Sorry but that's how I call it.

[atoughone]

Please don't apologise @InSpainTheRain . I appreciate all responses and opinions !

[barmycatmum]

No- the “discretion” thing is a massive red flag, and I personally wouldn’t waste my time.

[atoughone]

Well I also want discretion . Is that a red flag for me too ?

[AutumnLeaves23]

I do think discretion is quite suspect and if you are wanting it, men will take that as ‘married also’! You may be the rare person who is above board and discretion may mean something different to you, but if he goes for you and you want discretion it makes it even more likely he’s thinking ‘oh she gets it’ in a cheating sense!

Sorry. My world was very optimistic about dating, until my Ex cheated. Now I can spot them a mile off and your ‘man’ is basically telling you he wants you as a fuck buddy. Nothing more. Even if he really is separated (which I doubt) - discretion and not wanting to upset his kids or his wife means he is trying to be a certain kind of man to the outside world, but living a completely different one in reality.

[atoughone]

But this is what I want also !
Low commitment , discretion and just something for me for a change .
Does this make me awful??

[Fromwetome]

Hi teenage daughter is online dating? Wtf? So that's one lie caught out. The kids are mid teens so under 18's can't use tinder or any 'dating' app, he is anonymous for a reason OP and it's nothing to do with his kids. It's his current wife.

[NaturalBae]

Sounds like he’s lining you up to be the OW.

Do some more digging.

[SweetFarmKitty]

Sounds too much like hard work to me. It's strange that he would be warning you, it sounds as though he is testing you to see how much you like him / will put up with? You should put yourself and your needs first. Is he offering you what you need op?

[atoughone]

Yes this is exactly what I need !
I need discretion , not secrecy.

[Sensibletrousers]

Tell me to shove off but why are you dating -at all when you know your own children are still reeling from your separation from their dad?

Couldn’t you be happily single for a while until the dust settles for them? Genuine question.

[atoughone]

I am fine . My children are not .
I have free time so want to enjoy that.

[Crikeyalmighty]

I'm rather hoping he isn't the guy that a woman posted about in last week who she had been seeing a few years and turned out to be married, still going on holidays with wife, said he needed discretion as kids were devastated etc- he too sounded middle class, nice home etc!!

I think this doesn't quite ring true OP- but worth gauging it when you meet- however take it initially with a pinch of salt- that lifestyle takes some maintaining on good but not enormous income - unless there's a huge inheritance or previous business sale etc in there. There really are some charlatans out there- are you a high earner or a lovely owned home etc??

[atoughone]

Thanks for that .
I am a high earner , own home and summer home but he doesn't know any of This.
I raise my children on my own , financially and otherwIse .
He possibly has an inheritance , his folks are very wealthy and the house he bought is a bungalow in the country. Due to the nature of his work , sometimes he can work 15-16 hours when things go wrong or don't go to plan so I expect the overtime is massive .
But still, to buy his own home in such a short time , drive an massive Audi 4x4... I'm not convinced .
Think there a lot more going in under the bonnet so to speak 😳

[atoughone]

This is my first post about him but I will
Update out of respect for those who have contributed .
It may be a lesson to us all

[Fromwetome]

OP can you clarify what you meant by him saying his daughter used online dating so that's why he goes online anonymously, in your post his kids are mid-teens that's really thrown me as his daughter is legally too young to be dating online?

[atoughone]

His eldest is 18

[atoughone]

I have a 20 year old so maybe I got that wrong

[Crikeyalmighty]

@atoughone Yep it's a difficult one- I think I would meet too out of curiosity- then again theres a side of me that likes a bit of fun with a bullshitter- not sure with this guy - as you say it might be quite complex

[atoughone]

I'm so curious !!!

[samqueens]

🚩🚩🚩🚩

[JaffaCake70]

When I was online dating I posted a photo of myself posing in my Sister's (very posh) house. I was living in a housing association property in a rough area at the time.

The messages to my inbox instantly increased by a flabbergasting number....

My point is, he has said he has nice house/car etc, how do you know he does? He probably says the same thing to all the ladies.(and he is probably messaging numerous women). The lure of money and material things is a big fat carrot on OLD.

I would not be anyone's 'secret' EVER, I wouldn't like that he's taking charge of how the relationship is going to go already. Having said that, I'm old(ish) cynical and jaded (and have kissed more than my fair share of frogs).

I think he's still with his wife OP, just a feeling I'm getting from what you've said in your post. I'd 'NEXT' this one.