Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married or not? What do you think of this ?

167 replies

atoughone · 18/03/2023 20:52

Chatting to a man for the week. We will meet early next week.
I am trying not to be distrustful or cynical but I'd like your opinions on whether you think he is married or not , please.

He said..

He's separated three years.
His children are still distraught , never saw it coming as they didn't argue.
Children are mid teens.
Kids with him eow and a few nights per week.

He has a really good job .
A beautiful car and his own home.
A lovely one in a great area.
All of the above is true.

He wants what I want ..
A casual but exclusive relationship, due to lack of time.
He wants it to be discreet as his kids are still devastated.
Doesn't want to rub his wife's nose in it and respects her.
He said his wife and he grew apart and were more like housemates.

We've spoken on the phone and text consistently throughout the day but when his kids have been with him, he is much slower to respond or initiate.
We will meet in a very public place next week in a locality close to his home.

I have told him that I also want discreet but not a secret , in that I don't want my kids finding out as they too are devastated about my own marriage break up.and they're too delicate right now.
He agreed with this.

What are your thoughts here?
My own ex cheated on me a few years ago so while I've done the work , I may be too cynical.

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 19/03/2023 21:10

atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:01

Well I have had the conversation with him and basically asked him if he was just looking for a fuck buddy that was going g to be essentially anonymous.
He basically told me that he couldn't handle the mistrust and suspicion and wasn't interested in meeting up anymore.

He said that he'd never wanted to keep a relationship hidden despite insisting in discretion and would only tell one friend if anything was to happen. I have really offended him clearly.

He felt that on line dating just wasn't for him anymore with the level of suspicion and mistrust and just wants a simple
Life so is going off line .

Love how he turned it back on you. Sounds like you touched a nerve. He obviously was only looking for a bit of fun, most like on the side! You have dodged a bullet

Original poster
atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:11

It feels shit right now.
Is there any possible way he as genuine ?
Did I really just dodge a bullet?

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 21:16

He basically told me that he couldn't handle the mistrust and suspicion and wasn't interested in meeting up anymore.
😂😂😂

Nope, he basically told you that he couldn't handle being rumbled & that he doesn't date astute women whose boundaries don't tolerate bullshit.

Well dodged OP!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 21:19

I have really offended him clearly.

He's not offended, he's pissed off you didn't fall for his crap.
He's after a compliant woman who won't question him & will accept his terms of secrecy "discretion"

Be glad you are not that woman.

Mumofnarnia · 19/03/2023 21:25

atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:11

It feels shit right now.
Is there any possible way he as genuine ?
Did I really just dodge a bullet?

I doubt he is genuine. And even if he was, his attitude stinks! Made a big mountain out of a mole hill and some bullshit about mistrust and suspicion because you dared to ask him a question to put your own mind at ease! He is offended that you didn’t fall for his manipulation and deceit

Sandra1984 · 19/03/2023 21:36

atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:01

Well I have had the conversation with him and basically asked him if he was just looking for a fuck buddy that was going g to be essentially anonymous.
He basically told me that he couldn't handle the mistrust and suspicion and wasn't interested in meeting up anymore.

He said that he'd never wanted to keep a relationship hidden despite insisting in discretion and would only tell one friend if anything was to happen. I have really offended him clearly.

He felt that on line dating just wasn't for him anymore with the level of suspicion and mistrust and just wants a simple
Life so is going off line .

oh you dodged a bullet here OP, this man sounds like a narcissist who got caught red handed and is trying to make you feel bad for catching him and "it's all your fault". Of course he's not going offline and of course he's going to continue searching for someone gullible willing to have a "discreet relationship". Many gullible women on OLD, I'm afraid you're not one of them.

WidthofaLine · 19/03/2023 21:44

Well done op for spotting the snake.

Probably for the best anyway, likely he's riddled.

Original poster
atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:49

Thanks for the replies. I feel really upset for some stupid reason. Always takes a while for me to process stuff so a good sleep tonight should help me see things more clearly tomorrow.
There's no doubt that I have trust issues but I'm entitled to that as they are for good reason.
I dared to ask him if what I thought he wanted was correct and that finished it all off . I think o used the words invisible duck buddy!!
Why say afterwards that he never said he wanted to be hidden or keep things in the dark?? Yet was not going to tell a single oerson besides his friend?? Trying to make me feel like o had dreamed that ?
He said that on line dating is too murky for him and that in time he will just live a simple life and maybe fall in love the organic way .
So his reaction to me questioning his motives and clarifying what he actually wanted was met with a shut down .
I'm really fucked off .
We met under false names, no photos. My friend and I had a really good root around social media and Google today and there is absolutely NO sign of him anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:50

That would be an invisible fuck buddy 😂

OP posts:
Cheesehamandoniontoastie · 19/03/2023 21:59

He is married and freaked out about how much you are on to him. Lucky escape, don't look back.

WidthofaLine · 19/03/2023 22:03

He's getting paranoid, he thinks you're a private detective hired by his wife to snare him. 😂

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 22:09

He will still be OLD...

Original poster
atoughone · 19/03/2023 22:10

What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot see what you all see??

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/03/2023 22:43

atoughone · 19/03/2023 21:49

Thanks for the replies. I feel really upset for some stupid reason. Always takes a while for me to process stuff so a good sleep tonight should help me see things more clearly tomorrow.
There's no doubt that I have trust issues but I'm entitled to that as they are for good reason.
I dared to ask him if what I thought he wanted was correct and that finished it all off . I think o used the words invisible duck buddy!!
Why say afterwards that he never said he wanted to be hidden or keep things in the dark?? Yet was not going to tell a single oerson besides his friend?? Trying to make me feel like o had dreamed that ?
He said that on line dating is too murky for him and that in time he will just live a simple life and maybe fall in love the organic way .
So his reaction to me questioning his motives and clarifying what he actually wanted was met with a shut down .
I'm really fucked off .
We met under false names, no photos. My friend and I had a really good root around social media and Google today and there is absolutely NO sign of him anywhere.

Oh OP he's a bullshitter and you have dodged a bullet.

OLD is too murky for him 🤣 he will be on other OLD platforms (if not the same one you found him on) in the blink of an eye.

He is full of shit and you deserve better!

bluebell34567 · 20/03/2023 01:04

couldnt fool you and went back with his tail between his legs. dont be sorry.
you wouldnt have a proper relationship with him because it would be all secret and it would turn out to be you become fwb which you would regret.
he is after a secret fwb, nothing else, because his marriage is very much intact.

tribpot · 20/03/2023 07:09

I was wondering if he was an actual scammer, there was a thread about this recently (deleted because the OP wasn't genuine, but the type of scam described definitely was). I was waiting for him to manufacture a reason not to meet with you due to some kind of work emergency, which would in turn lead on to a request for a loan of some money. Because he'd established his (fake) credentials as someone well-off, the victim is more likely to fall for it.

In this case, though, let's imagine the situation was reversed and you were the one who wanted the more extreme privacy to protect your children and separated spouse. The person you're interested in expresses scepticism that you're really separated in that case. Do you:

  • A: acknowledge that the person has justification for being concerned and seek to reassure
  • B: accuse the person of being cynical and distrustful, make out this is all their fault and then go off in a massive huff?

By turning this around on you, he's making it pretty clear that you've rumbled him one way or another. Either he's married or he's a scammer. Have you reverse image searched the pictures provided?

Original poster
atoughone · 20/03/2023 07:21

Thinking back to the weekemd... I jokingly text to ask if there was anything I needed to know before we met , like .... his real name .
I really didn't mean anything by it and if he'd text me that , I would've answered in a similar witty way .
That's when he text to say he felt like I didn't trust him and was suspicious and that in line dating wasn't for him due to the level of suspicion and mistrust and cynicism.
So that's what kicked off his huff

OP posts:
DoristheDuchess · 20/03/2023 07:21

How you're feeling is exactly how scammers want you to feel. Upset, questioning your own judgement, doubting yourself, its what makes you vulnerable.

He was definitely not genuine. 100%. He was either married or a scammer. Either way trouble.

He won't leave dating sites, he'll change his profile and start again.

I'd also bet you're not the first women he's tried this with.

Take comfort that you weren't fooled and be pleased you listened to your gut instincts, even enough to post on here. They looked after you ;-)

tribpot · 20/03/2023 07:26

I definitely think he was looking for a way to manufacture a fight, to avoid meeting up. I think you could have said anything and he would have turned it into a row. Again, how is wanting to know the real name of the person you are going to meet unreasonable?! It's only sensible to take precautions and if I were meeting someone for the first time I would definitely want to leave information with friends about who, when and where.

premicrois · 20/03/2023 07:33

atoughone · 20/03/2023 07:21

Thinking back to the weekemd... I jokingly text to ask if there was anything I needed to know before we met , like .... his real name .
I really didn't mean anything by it and if he'd text me that , I would've answered in a similar witty way .
That's when he text to say he felt like I didn't trust him and was suspicious and that in line dating wasn't for him due to the level of suspicion and mistrust and cynicism.
So that's what kicked off his huff

Don't overthink it. He was trying to play you and jumped because he you questioned him and didn't fall for his bullshit. As with most emotionally immature men he is trying to switch it be being your fault. He needs to lay blame because he couldn't possibly take responsibility for his own actions, even to himself.

You have dodged a right one there

booboo24 · 20/03/2023 07:34

I agree with everyone else. I could have understood the initial wariness and wanting to keep things under wraps at first, nothing gto do with exes though, just because I wouldn't want everyone knowing my business early on. The hugest red flag waved at me when he wouldn't give you his name. Not even his first name? There's no way that's ok at all, firstly from your safety point of view, but secondly it does mean he's hiding something or else what's the point of it?

You've lost nothing at this point and done the right thing, your gut was literally screaming at you

Original poster
atoughone · 20/03/2023 07:37

He did give me his name but he got confused between his alleged name on line and his real name .
It is very unusual not to have a single sign of anyone on line .. even on Google when involved in work and sport at a high level but there is literally nothing

OP posts:
Hop27 · 20/03/2023 08:02

@atoughone
It's not unusual if you don't exist. Have you done a reverse image search of his photo? Or his phone number?

Original poster
atoughone · 20/03/2023 08:08

No I've deleted absolutely everything connected to him including images and phone number.
I'm m intrigued though so I'll keep trying when I've nothing better to do!
Feels very intrusive to be scammed like this

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 20/03/2023 08:16

atoughone · 18/03/2023 22:56

But this is what I want also !
Low commitment , discretion and just something for me for a change .
Does this make me awful??

You need to separate yourself from other peoples opinions, and realise that he might just be after the same thing as you for similar reasons.

It’s very easy to get drawn into the MN mindset of ‘omg he must be a cheat!!! Burn him at the stake!’
But stop and think logically - if you’re after the same thing with no ulterior motive then surely he could be too?

The only way to find out is to explore the relationship further without relying on strangers on the internet.