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Original poster

To never speak to him again after this?

413 replies

shestakingtheurine · 17/03/2023 20:41

I've been dating a man for a few months now , we don't live together yet. My car broke down the other night on a busy dual carriageway in the rain at rush hour on my way home from work and it was a 2 hour wait for the AA man to come and rescue me. I messaged him and told him what had happened and he messaged be back saying 'that's sad' I later expressed that I felt I that he should have at least offered to come to me or offer me a lift home as the car went to the garage and I had to make my own way home. I said I was a bit upset that he hadn't even asked if I had got home ok. He responded that 'you want to click your fingers and I'm just going to drop everything and come' and 'I do actually have a life' and he said ' you think my world revolves around you and it doesn't' and 'why would I ask if you got home ok when you weren't even that far from home' and I have more important things to think about than a broken down car. I was shocked and upset as he had never behaved this way before but I haven't spoken to him since and I don't think I want to speak to him again. Was I in the wrong expecting him to show concern or help? He lives maybe a 20 minute drive from where I was.

OP posts:
Barbecuebeans · 18/03/2023 10:43

JoanThursday1972 · 18/03/2023 09:43

Well said Barbecue Beans. I remember having a boyfriend in my late teens who was 24 and had been married briefly, his wife had left him but he said he'd never love anyone like her and he didn't love me. I felt like animal crap and rationalized I wasn't good enough and must try harder. So I shagged him. He had a party and disappeared and shagged the next door neighbour and all I did was cry because my inadequacy made him do it. He cheated on me again with a really loud woman. He just ghosted me in the end.

Of course I now realise he was animal crap not me, though an understanding of all this would have been helpful.

Show quote history

Exactly this. Anyone who's had self belief and high esteem instilled into them at an early age won't get how it's easy to be manipulated when you haven't got those things.

I'm pleased you understand what this kind of dickhead was doing and hopefully you are treated so much better these days by a better man!

Barbecuebeans · 18/03/2023 10:49

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:58

Well said Barbecue Beans. I remember having a boyfriend in my late teens who was 24 and had been married briefly, his wife had left him but he said he'd never love anyone like her and he didn't love me. I felt like animal crap and rationalized I wasn't good enough and must try harder. So I shagged him. He had a party and disappeared and shagged the next door neighbour and all I did was cry because my inadequacy made him do it. He cheated on me again with a really loud woman. He just ghosted me in the end.

Of course I now realise he was animal crap not me, though an understanding of all this would have been helpful.

Yes he was an absolute scumbag but I'm struggling to understand how it was his fault that you decided to have sex with him after he told you he couldn't love you?
He was a horrible bastard who made horrible choices but are you saying any choices you made, were directly his fault?

What?

He could have chosen not to be a horrible bastard. That's not outside his control.

Yes we call learn how to have better boundaries but we're not born with them, we learn them from how we're treated by others and what's modelled to us. This kind of thread can help empower us to have better boundaries or can just castigate someone for not knowing. I don't know how the latter helps anyone except those who just want to feel superior.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 10:49

Spectacularly missing the actual point. You are just as bad as the so-called bf if you really can’t see this prick for what he is. Either that or you are the prick!

Yes I must not have a different view to you because then I'm a prick. Makes perfect sense.

SinnerBoy · 18/03/2023 10:50

Notimeforaname · Today 09:36

I guess it wouid depend on how much I was being complained at for not being a mind reader

You don't need to be a mind reader to work out that a minimum of a call to ask if the other party is OK is the appropriate response.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 10:50

He could have chosen not to be a horrible bastard. That's not outside his control.

Yes, I do not disagree with this. I agree.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 10:52

You don't need to be a mind reader to work out that a minimum of a call to ask if the other party is OK is the appropriate response

Of course. But if I'm busy I might not have the time to do that

dottiedodah · 18/03/2023 10:52

He sounds ghastly! Please just get rid of him ASAP.Rude selfish and entitled .Not attractive qualities at all

Back2front · 18/03/2023 10:53

Excellent that you found this out now. Really, you deserve better.

Babyroobs · 18/03/2023 11:01

He sounds horrible. At least he has showed his true colours after a few months so you can ditch him now. Breaking down or the thought of it is anxiety provoking for me, I dread it.

LotteLomax · 18/03/2023 11:01

He’s revealed his true character. Be thankful it was now and not later on.

Oh, and cut him off. This is not a man who should have the honour of fathering your children.

zingally · 18/03/2023 11:02

It's true that when in a crisis (albeit a relatively minor one) people show you who they really are.
He's shown that you feature really low down on his list of priorities, and that's a big red flag.
Throw the whole man away.

TheaBrandt · 18/03/2023 11:09

A friend was living with a long term bf bought a house together she was late twenties keen for kids etc. she had a minor car accident. When she got home he ranted and raved about the car (her car!) never once showed any concern for how she was. She ended it that night. Massively upgraded her Dh is lovely. Just that these incidents often show the true person.

Tabasco007 · 18/03/2023 11:10

Bikeybikeface · 17/03/2023 22:24

I’d wonder what he was up to at that particular time that would a) stop him from coming out to you and b) to react in such a way. He’s turning it on you.

I mean if the op had broken down and called the AA, what is the point of someone else coming out to take space on the hard shoulder or whatever. They have only been dating a few months..... Not coming out is fine, but not checking in with OP to make sure she got home and was ok is out of order. Reacting to OP all depends on how OP communicated how pissed off she was. Having said that, OP he did talk to you like shit so maybe move on. I seem to be against the majority here on my thinking that he didn't need to drive out to you.

lionsleepstonight · 18/03/2023 11:11

There's a thread in AIBU from a woman who is ill while on holiday with her DH and two small children. He won't even go out to buy her some paracetamol. This is your future if you continue your relationship with this man.

Tabasco007 · 18/03/2023 11:13

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 17/03/2023 22:39

You were in need of help in a dangerous situation and he simply couldn't have cared less. Please get out of the relationship now. He's a self-centred dickhead.

She'd called the AA or whatever, other people were around..... I think all the LTB are a bit extreme, and for the record, before I get accused of being an angry dude I'm a women. His shouting and reaction wasn't OK, expecting someone to drive out to you is a bit much....

billy1966 · 18/03/2023 11:13

As my grandmother used to say, a early indicator of the type of man you are with is to say No to him, and to be unwell.

How he responds will reveal a bit about him.

Most normal people would step up to help someone they knew stuck as you were.

He hasn't a shed of decency in him.

How long exactly were you together?

Tidsleytiddy · 18/03/2023 11:14

Wow

Cocobutt · 18/03/2023 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/03/2023 11:16

I seem to be against the majority here on my thinking that he didn't need to drive out to you.

I would drive 20 minutes to go and save my neighbour from two plus hours sitting on the hard shoulder and I don't even like my neighbour. I cannot get my head around the idea of not wanting to help someone you are supposed to love, or at least care about.

Cocobutt · 18/03/2023 11:25

I would drive 20 minutes to go and save my neighbour from two plus hours sitting on the hard shoulder and I don't even like my neighbour.

@GatoradeMeBitch

You would stop everything you are doing just to go and sit on a dual carriage way for 2 hours with your neighbour just so they weren’t by themselves?

I think that’s ridiculous.

It’s even more ridiculous if your family member was in hospital.

purpledalmation · 18/03/2023 11:27

dump.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 18/03/2023 11:29

I bet he contacts you slating you for not asking about his df...
He will have been planning such a text exchange all morning imo.

BigglyBee · 18/03/2023 11:43

My husband has helped total strangers in similar situations. Even before we started dating, I knew I could have called him if I needed help. It's one of the reasons I knew he was the right man for me.

This one isn't a keeper, throw him back.

Redebs · 18/03/2023 11:46

echt · 17/03/2023 22:45

Egregiously shit reading skills on your part I fear.

I blame the teachers.

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Not one of my pupils I hope. At least they know how to use 'you're'.

UnRavellingFast · 18/03/2023 11:52

JudgeRudy · 17/03/2023 21:32

Depends really on exactly you said and how you brought it up. You messaged him when it happened and presumably told him the AA or whoever were on their way. It would be normal for someone to stay with the car till they arrived which presumably would need to be you. Did you call him then? If not how is he supposed to know you were stranded? You got home OK though didn't you.
Now you're angry at him for not dropping everything. You didn't even ring him. He's not your husband or your fiancee, he's a bloke you've been seeing for a bit. Why would he be your go to person. I'd guess he snapped and put you in your place because you were either whining or angry at him.
Granted, the way he spoke to was harsh but if you came across as entitled I can see why.
How have you left things?

It’s the way he spoke to her that’s the red flag.