Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To never speak to him again after this?

413 replies

shestakingtheurine · 17/03/2023 20:41

I've been dating a man for a few months now , we don't live together yet. My car broke down the other night on a busy dual carriageway in the rain at rush hour on my way home from work and it was a 2 hour wait for the AA man to come and rescue me. I messaged him and told him what had happened and he messaged be back saying 'that's sad' I later expressed that I felt I that he should have at least offered to come to me or offer me a lift home as the car went to the garage and I had to make my own way home. I said I was a bit upset that he hadn't even asked if I had got home ok. He responded that 'you want to click your fingers and I'm just going to drop everything and come' and 'I do actually have a life' and he said ' you think my world revolves around you and it doesn't' and 'why would I ask if you got home ok when you weren't even that far from home' and I have more important things to think about than a broken down car. I was shocked and upset as he had never behaved this way before but I haven't spoken to him since and I don't think I want to speak to him again. Was I in the wrong expecting him to show concern or help? He lives maybe a 20 minute drive from where I was.

OP posts:
Ichosetheredpill · 18/03/2023 09:32

People pretend to be nice. They don’t pretend to be nasty. He’s shown you who he really is. Run for the hills.

LooseGoose22 · 18/03/2023 09:32

And even if his dad was in hospital, and the relationships was otherwise good, his outburst shows that he can't handle his emotions and lashes out when stressed. That's a dumpable offense on it's own right there.

Yep, if someone is truly stuck between answering their girlfriend and dealing with a family health crisis: a level headed, decent person will just write (takes a few seconds with autocorrect) "shit, sorry, what a pain My Dad's been rushed into hospital here, will chat in a bit".

What he did was some next level nasty lashing out.

FrostyFifi · 18/03/2023 09:33

I would not offer to go stand at the side of the road with them. Completely unnecessary

Would you follow that up with the rest of the unpleasant messages to really make sure they got the message?

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:36

Would you follow that up with the rest of the unpleasant messages to really make sure they got the message?

I guess it wouid depend on how much I was being complained at for not being a mind reader 🤷‍♀️

Pixiedust1234 · 18/03/2023 09:36

Ichosetheredpill · 18/03/2023 09:32

People pretend to be nice. They don’t pretend to be nasty. He’s shown you who he really is. Run for the hills.

What an excellent way to put this but something that I had never really thought about. Nobody pretends to be that nasty.

Dancingdoggo · 18/03/2023 09:37

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:31

If someone I was dating a few weeks/months txt me to tell me theyd broken down and were waiting on the appropriate people, I would not offer to go stand at the side of the road with them. Completely unnecessary.

Did u ask him op? Or just complain later on that he didn't offer?

Would you reply using the phrases the OP quoted? It wasn’t just the lack of attendance it was the total lack of concern. How about a text asking how she’s getting on and if she has a lift home? If you care about someone surely you at least express some care and check on them?

commenting that ‘he has his own life you know’ is not really long term partner material is it?

FrostyFifi · 18/03/2023 09:38

I guess it wouid depend on how much I was being complained at for not being a mind reader

Similar to OP's ex, you have a very adversorial take on relationships then.

callthataspade · 18/03/2023 09:38

Ichosetheredpill · 18/03/2023 09:32

People pretend to be nice. They don’t pretend to be nasty. He’s shown you who he really is. Run for the hills.

I'm laminating this

Brilliantly put

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:39

Would you reply using the phrases the OP quoted? It wasn’t just the lack of attendance it was the total lack of concern. How about a text asking how she’s getting on and if she has a lift home? If you care about someone surely you at least express some care and check on them?

If I had the time. But I might not have the time that day.

commenting that ‘he has his own life you know’ is not really long term partner material is it?

I have said this to people before who have not been straight with me up front and then complained about me afterwards.

Its totally fine to disagree on something like this.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:41

Similar to OP's ex, you have a very adversorial take on relationships then.

That's quite alright to think this of me.

JoanThursday1972 · 18/03/2023 09:43

Barbecuebeans · 18/03/2023 08:03

Sadly that isn't true for some women who've been brought up in dysfunctional families or by misogynistic men and women. They've been brainwashed into thinking they don't deserve decent treatment. Of course, other women feed into this narrative too and make you feel ashamed for wanting to be treated well.

That's why inadequate men come onto these threads to minimise them. They hate the idea we're telling it each other not to put up with this kind of behaviour and what to look out for right from square one. I wish I'd known from an early age, it would have saved me a lot of pain.

Show quote history

Well said Barbecue Beans. I remember having a boyfriend in my late teens who was 24 and had been married briefly, his wife had left him but he said he'd never love anyone like her and he didn't love me. I felt like animal crap and rationalized I wasn't good enough and must try harder. So I shagged him. He had a party and disappeared and shagged the next door neighbour and all I did was cry because my inadequacy made him do it. He cheated on me again with a really loud woman. He just ghosted me in the end.

Of course I now realise he was animal crap not me, though an understanding of all this would have been helpful.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 18/03/2023 09:48

Dump, delete and block!

Emotionalsupportviper · 18/03/2023 09:50

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/03/2023 20:42

Drop him like a hot potato!

THIS! ⬆

Blimey - you'd do that for a friend/ neighbour/ colleague if they were stuck in the rain and needed a lift, never mind for someone you claim to care about.

Don't reply.

Block him and don't contact him again.

He messaged me back later to say that his dad had been rushed to hospital and I should be more considerate of him. Funny how he didn't mention this before though?

This is an obvious lie. Ignore it and treat it with the contempt it deserves. He's a total sh!t and you can do better.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:58

Well said Barbecue Beans. I remember having a boyfriend in my late teens who was 24 and had been married briefly, his wife had left him but he said he'd never love anyone like her and he didn't love me. I felt like animal crap and rationalized I wasn't good enough and must try harder. So I shagged him. He had a party and disappeared and shagged the next door neighbour and all I did was cry because my inadequacy made him do it. He cheated on me again with a really loud woman. He just ghosted me in the end.

Of course I now realise he was animal crap not me, though an understanding of all this would have been helpful.

Yes he was an absolute scumbag but I'm struggling to understand how it was his fault that you decided to have sex with him after he told you he couldn't love you?
He was a horrible bastard who made horrible choices but are you saying any choices you made, were directly his fault?

54isanopendoor · 18/03/2023 10:04

If you allow this treatement of you to pass, it WILL get worse.
It was a test of your boundaries.
You deserve more than he will 'offer' (make you work for).
It's good you found out this early in.

RaquelCC · 18/03/2023 10:05

Block, delete, move on and don't waste any more time on him, thinking or wondering. Use your energies for yourself. :-)

Sandra1984 · 18/03/2023 10:07

I find that these types always show a few red flags 🚩 before massively exposing themselves for who they truly are. Problem is we tend to overlook those red flags.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 18/03/2023 10:07

Block and move on. No need to waste any more time thinking about him

Over40Overdating · 18/03/2023 10:11

Ichosetheredpill · 18/03/2023 09:32

People pretend to be nice. They don’t pretend to be nasty. He’s shown you who he really is. Run for the hills.

This is brilliant!! Never heard it put like that but it’s so very true!

JoanThursday1972 · 18/03/2023 10:18

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:58

Well said Barbecue Beans. I remember having a boyfriend in my late teens who was 24 and had been married briefly, his wife had left him but he said he'd never love anyone like her and he didn't love me. I felt like animal crap and rationalized I wasn't good enough and must try harder. So I shagged him. He had a party and disappeared and shagged the next door neighbour and all I did was cry because my inadequacy made him do it. He cheated on me again with a really loud woman. He just ghosted me in the end.

Of course I now realise he was animal crap not me, though an understanding of all this would have been helpful.

Yes he was an absolute scumbag but I'm struggling to understand how it was his fault that you decided to have sex with him after he told you he couldn't love you?
He was a horrible bastard who made horrible choices but are you saying any choices you made, were directly his fault?

No. I am saying that I was immature and ill-equipped and wasn't able to see that he was a scumbag. I thought this was par for the course, and I wasn't good enough to keep a man. Of course, the fact that he is a git is his own fault!

adriftinadenofvipers · 18/03/2023 10:23

Spectacularly missing the actual point. You are just as bad as the so-called bf if you really can’t see this prick for what he is. Either that or you are the prick!

MadeForThis · 18/03/2023 10:23

Wow. Nasty.

adriftinadenofvipers · 18/03/2023 10:26

adriftinadenofvipers · 18/03/2023 10:23

Spectacularly missing the actual point. You are just as bad as the so-called bf if you really can’t see this prick for what he is. Either that or you are the prick!

That was @Notimeforaname. I suspect I would have no time for you either.

MangoPi · 18/03/2023 10:42

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:58

Well said Barbecue Beans. I remember having a boyfriend in my late teens who was 24 and had been married briefly, his wife had left him but he said he'd never love anyone like her and he didn't love me. I felt like animal crap and rationalized I wasn't good enough and must try harder. So I shagged him. He had a party and disappeared and shagged the next door neighbour and all I did was cry because my inadequacy made him do it. He cheated on me again with a really loud woman. He just ghosted me in the end.

Of course I now realise he was animal crap not me, though an understanding of all this would have been helpful.

Yes he was an absolute scumbag but I'm struggling to understand how it was his fault that you decided to have sex with him after he told you he couldn't love you?
He was a horrible bastard who made horrible choices but are you saying any choices you made, were directly his fault?

I read that as they thought they could convince him to love her, by having sex, some think changing their appearance, doing everything for them can 'change' them - when you have low self esteem it's so easy to fall into this way of thinking. And it is not uncommon at all.

Mitsahne · 18/03/2023 10:42

He's been nasty. Block and move on.