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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To never speak to him again after this?

413 replies

shestakingtheurine · 17/03/2023 20:41

I've been dating a man for a few months now , we don't live together yet. My car broke down the other night on a busy dual carriageway in the rain at rush hour on my way home from work and it was a 2 hour wait for the AA man to come and rescue me. I messaged him and told him what had happened and he messaged be back saying 'that's sad' I later expressed that I felt I that he should have at least offered to come to me or offer me a lift home as the car went to the garage and I had to make my own way home. I said I was a bit upset that he hadn't even asked if I had got home ok. He responded that 'you want to click your fingers and I'm just going to drop everything and come' and 'I do actually have a life' and he said ' you think my world revolves around you and it doesn't' and 'why would I ask if you got home ok when you weren't even that far from home' and I have more important things to think about than a broken down car. I was shocked and upset as he had never behaved this way before but I haven't spoken to him since and I don't think I want to speak to him again. Was I in the wrong expecting him to show concern or help? He lives maybe a 20 minute drive from where I was.

OP posts:
Tabasco007 · 18/03/2023 07:49

shestakingtheurine · 17/03/2023 21:02

If he would have messaged back and said something like 'I'm so sorry I would come and help but x y and z has happened and I'm caught up' and messaged to make sure I got home ok I would have thought this would be a more normal response but it's his response that has made me rethink everything. I'm not going to continue pursuing a relationship with someone who I can't call in an emergency or won't come through for me when I need help. Thanks for confirming what I need to do. He doesn't give a shit about me does he?

To be honest, if you had called the AA, other brands available, then I'm not sure what him coming out to you would have achieved, so him not 'coming to your rescue' isn't so much an issue, I you called road side assistance did you? Him not checking in on you and making sure you are OK, saying those things to you is not OK, so yes he sounds like a bit of a pig.

Over40Overdating · 18/03/2023 07:55

You’re well rid. Men who don’t understand the very basics of kindness and concern can never be taught.

He will start on the self pity next and tell you how awful and unkind you are for not caring about his (made up) emergency.

I’d advise blocking unless you’d like the chance to give him the same brush off nonsense he gave you.

I’m sorry you found out the hard way what kind of man you were dating but glad it’s early days so you aren’t devastated!

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 18/03/2023 07:56

shestakingtheurine · 18/03/2023 06:50

Well I haven't been in contact with him so I'm assuming he's got the message, I don't really want to give him further attention and enter into conversation with him as I don't feel like it would be useful. I've got what I need to know now.

Block him. So you’re not tempted to read any shit messages he sends going forward.

Barbecuebeans · 18/03/2023 07:57

GlassBunion · 17/03/2023 23:00

@adriftinadenofvipers
This really is a non issue. Trust me.

Don't trust them. Obviously.

Aubree17 · 18/03/2023 08:00

It sounds like he knew he should have offered to help.
Which is why he was so defensive when you called him out on it.
I would end the relationship.

Barbecuebeans · 18/03/2023 08:03

barmycatmum · 18/03/2023 05:33

Surprised no one has mentioned the disgusting issue with his second communication about his Dad. Even if it’s true and he’s under stress, “you should be nicer to me” or whatever the fuck he said is DISGUSTING.
turning it all back around on her. Clear case of DARVO.

what an absolute loser.

men who think these stupid tactics work need to learn something, or just wind up in the trash where they belong.

and that goes to the other idiots in this thread who are clearly trolling, and come across as complete Neanderthals. ICK. Disgusting.

this is why you’re incels, silly gits, and the good men win EVERY time.

Sadly that isn't true for some women who've been brought up in dysfunctional families or by misogynistic men and women. They've been brainwashed into thinking they don't deserve decent treatment. Of course, other women feed into this narrative too and make you feel ashamed for wanting to be treated well.

That's why inadequate men come onto these threads to minimise them. They hate the idea we're telling it each other not to put up with this kind of behaviour and what to look out for right from square one. I wish I'd known from an early age, it would have saved me a lot of pain.

Sandra1984 · 18/03/2023 08:14

@shestakingtheurine I do actually have a life' and he said ' you think my world revolves around you and it doesn't' and 'why would I ask if you got home ok when you weren't even that far from home' and I have more important things to think about than a broken down car.

Alarm bells ringing loud. Massive massive red flag. he's telling you who he is, he's letting you know you're not important and he will not be there for you when you need him. Listen to him. The man has very little empathy and this is what you're going to be faced if you stay with him.

Run Run run.

user1471538283 · 18/03/2023 08:26

It is upsetting but now you can prove to him that you are of high value and never speak to him again. He's also a liar.

I had a bump years ago and complete strangers were much kinder to me than your now ex bf. My bf turned up virtually screeching his brakes he was so worried.

You are important and you should have been very important to him.

BeachBlondey · 18/03/2023 08:31

Fucking hell, and this is in the Honeymoon period. He not only let you down, he was aggressive and downright nasty as well!

I was stranded, 6 hours from home a few years ago. There's a back story, but it's not really relevant. I was trying to figure out a way home, and DH texted to say he was "on his way". He drove 6 hours there, picked me up and drove me home, without even stopping for a cup of tea. 12 hours in the car.

Guaranteed in the situation you describe, he would be there in a shot, even if that meant leaving work.

I remember once, before we were married, that I went to bed early, and missed his texts and calls - very out of character for me. He left work and drove an hour to my house to check I was okay.

You deserve so much more.

ToBeFrancesca · 18/03/2023 08:42

Wise decision, @shestakingtheurine.

He's a knob.

Astorminateacup · 18/03/2023 08:45

shestakingtheurine · 17/03/2023 20:48

He messaged me back later to say that his dad had been rushed to hospital and I should be more considerate of him. Funny how he didn't mention this before though?

Even if it is true, the rest of the message (I have a life, why would you expect me to drop everything for you at a click of a finger) is extremely telling.

BeachBlondey · 18/03/2023 08:49

I remember getting a similar kind of response from someone I was dating. He'd had a haircut and I asked for a photo. He didn't send one, so I asked again. It was along the lines of "I don't just drop everything for you/what you want". The tone was really off. I never saw him again. Just nasty.

Liz1tummypain · 18/03/2023 08:50

He's not a nice person. Don't waste your time OP. Good luck for the future.

ReneBumsWombats · 18/03/2023 08:59

There's a kind of man who really resents the sexual power that he feels women have over him and thinks that any kind of duty that doesn't put him first and foremost is some sort of win over him. These men are adversarial, point scoring and bitter in relationships and have no idea how they work. Just swerve.

LooseGoose22 · 18/03/2023 08:59

Well.srent you lucky indeed that he's not a good enough liar/not good enough at controlling himself to hold back on that little narcissistic rage verbal vomit session.

Also if he's lying about his Dad, that's despicable.

If he's not, why didn't he mention it when you said you'd broken down. That would be typing 7 words.

It sounds like you're not thankfully, but I wouldn't be letting him (and his probably unimpressive cock) within 100 yards of me again.

LooseGoose22 · 18/03/2023 09:02

This type here is a bachelor. And the worst type of bachelor.

He should be left alone to be one.

This type often involve themselves with women for sex, company, plus one at social things, convenience etc. .....and act utterly shittily, which they will find some doormat woman to put up with unhappily.

PolkaDotMankini · 18/03/2023 09:06

I wouldn't necessarily have expected a lift, but no concern and then that horrible response would have me running for the hills! You can do better than this twat OP.

Sickofcoughing · 18/03/2023 09:14

Oh he sounds really horrible I'm afraid OP. The messages in particular leave no room for excuses. Clicking your fingers indeed.

I remember once falling off my bike and messaging my then boyfriend. He sent a stupid emoji. I knew I was being a bit of a child but I felt very hurt. I expected a call to see if I was ok (I was as it happened, bruised and shaken up but nothing worse).

In contrast, I remember messaging my next boyfriend when I got home to find the door open and lights not switching on. He said he wasn't far away, to come away from the house and wait for him so we could in together just in case there was anything or anyone dangerous. I remember being grateful I didn't have to do it all alone.

HelnM · 18/03/2023 09:14

Block

applebee33 · 18/03/2023 09:18

Dump him op! When dating my dh , my old banger of a car kept breaking down. I was only with him about 2 months and he handed me £500 with strict instructions to get my car sorted as he needed me safe on the roads ! I was 20 and had a really low paying job and he knew I hadn't the money to fix it immediately. Of course I married him years later and he still would go out of his way to help any of his loved ones . You deserve better

Blondie1024 · 18/03/2023 09:23

Man's a cunt. You've had a lucky escape.

PylaSheight · 18/03/2023 09:25

His response reads like either there must be a big back story of "diva" behaviour from OP and he just got to the end of his tether with these latest "demands", or all was good and BF was just a nasty twat.

If the former it could be understandable, perhaps he's sick of her and doesn't care if the relationship ends, but if the latter then his replies (or was it a single message?) were totally disproportionate.
What was the actual exchange, @shestakingtheurine and how was the relationship otherwise?

And even if his dad was in hospital, and the relationships was otherwise good, his outburst shows that he can't handle his emotions and lashes out when stressed. That's a dumpable offense on it's own right there.

LooseGoose22 · 18/03/2023 09:27

I agree with the poster who said the statement about his Dad was the result of thinking "oop, let too much slip there/went too far there, I'm going to gave to find another source of pussy, what a drag" followed by guilting, DARVO techniques to try to get you to accept his behaviour and maybe even get tog apologising to him. Guys like this will work on finding a woman who'll do that.

LooseGoose22 · 18/03/2023 09:28

*even get you apologising to him.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:31

If someone I was dating a few weeks/months txt me to tell me theyd broken down and were waiting on the appropriate people, I would not offer to go stand at the side of the road with them. Completely unnecessary.

Did u ask him op? Or just complain later on that he didn't offer?