Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Relationships
Organisational skills for husband who don't get it
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 05:42
Ok I know I am going to get a load of grief for having married a. Man who doesn't seem to get life, but perhaps some people can cut through the crap and help me out a bit. Things didn't used to be this bad but I would say have never been great in this area.
We have a busy life, 2 full time jobs, a renovation and 3 kids all at primary, at least one of whom has SEN. The SEN is news to us in the last 6 months but is dominating our family dynamic (things have got bad quick).
In the meantime my husband seems to have lost control on daily life and I am doing everything, non stop and helping him to do his stuff too.
In recent weeks and months - I have organized the shit out of our lives to try to help - we have routines, a calendar, white board, a meal planner. My eldest children help with it all and tend to know what is going on, who should be where and what is for tea.
Dh doesn't seem to have a clue. He doesn't follow the meal planner on his cooking nights which upsets everyone (causes a mtdown for sen child), prepares meals for my cooking nights, picks up kids on my nights, "forgets what day it is", can't get them to bed on time (last night was 2130 instead of 2015). They always leave the house late on his drop offs.
I am trying to get tips from the internet on parenting together but it is all about shared values etc. Like prioritizing education or approach to discipline. We are nowhere near those discussions. He has no skin in those games. I just do it. "He can't get them to read, do homework, practice piano" etc etc. He wastes a lot of time - by forgetting stuff or coming back for things etc, his job is dishwasher and it takes him much of the evening to load it and sweep the floor.
He gets everyone's backs up by just giving out instructions and repeating them, which doesn't work as an approach. He doesn't consider the impact of this,he doesn't have fun with them particularly or listen to them much.
He is loving towards them. He is very willing in lots of ways. For eg he forgot to go to b&q earlier but when I reminded him off he went. (I just wish he hadn't actually forgotten of course)
We have run out of words for a discussion on this all. It is just a row. And the tension is not helping the kids. And although they love him, they think he is a fool for forgetting to cook the agreed meal, not knowing it is non uniform day etc.
And the burden on me is ridiculous.
(He also can't manage sen child behavior and literally stands there while dc is violent and bites.)
How do I change this dynamic? We are stuck.
Rainbowqueeen · 17/03/2023 05:44
Ask him how he manages at work? Then ask him to apply that at home
OpheliaPlum · 17/03/2023 05:47
Has he had an assessment for ADHD? I’d do that first, then couples therapy to undo the dynamic where you are parenting him.
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 05:57
Rainbowqueeen · 17/03/2023 05:44
Ask him how he manages at work? Then ask him to apply that at home
Been there done that.
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 05:58
OpheliaPlum · 17/03/2023 05:47
Has he had an assessment for ADHD? I’d do that first, then couples therapy to undo the dynamic where you are parenting him.
Doesn't seem to meet the diagnostic criteria. Nor for autism. We've looked into that too.
Lovelyveg82 · 17/03/2023 06:04
In the meantime my husband seems to have lost control on daily life
when did this start?
category12 · 17/03/2023 06:06
Maybe there's too much going on and you need to simplify.
If you have different days for things, perhaps it'd be better to have specific things that are your role, and specific things that are his, instead of chopping and changing?
Also let go a little bit - does it matter if they're a bit late when he's in charge?
Maybe emotionally and practically structure helps you, but he's struggling with it (the diagnosis as well as regimentation)?
OxygenthiefexH · 17/03/2023 06:07
SEN husband. Had one like this. All much happier since he became an ex. He made life much harder.
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 06:11
It has always been there to some extent but he got in habits and routines with the children as babies.he hasn't dealt well with shifting dynamics as they get older so still babies them and still treats them as all 3 together, which doesn't wash with them now.
(Eg he used to fill up 3 water bottles a day for school. Older children like to choose and fill up their own now, so the task is one water bottle and check the others have it in hand. They either have none or two, and he doesn't just ask them/discuss it/chat). Small example but it multiplies out and we have chaos and conflict.
The things that have changed in the last 6months are the renovation and the sen.
I would say it was foreseeable that he would find those things hard. But we haven't really worked through it. I keep trying to help, and take the load off him, but it brings more chaos and is wrecking our relationship.
spelunky · 17/03/2023 06:12
It sounds like you have a very busy and hectic life. Maybe he is feeling a bit overwhelmed.
It must feel like a huge amount of responsibility for you and I can see why you are stressed that he's not doing everything he 'should', but is he trying? It sounds to me like he is, and like he really loves you and the kids, but maybe this is just a lot, especially with the recent diagnosis of the SEN child.
It's a lot for you too, of course, but we all function differently, have different strengths and have a different amount of 'stuff' we can cope with. This might just not be his biggest strength.
I'm not sure what I'm suggesting really - I suppose compassion/ understanding - nobody is perfect, although I know it's frustrating.
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 06:13
Just to be clear I now check water bottles, I don't just let this continue, but that is the nub of the problem.
And he just says - but I don't understand you didn't want me to get them all a water bottle as they are growing up.
Conflict whichever way I turn.
I know I am part of the conflict but it is not for the want of trying.
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 06:16
Thanks spelunky that is very validating to hear as I feel like you get it
He does mean well for sure and I know he knows it is not going well just as well as I do. But I seem to be unable to effect improvements and I am not even aware of if he is trying.
Zuyi · 17/03/2023 06:17
I feel like you need to step back. You're micromanaging. It's annoying if he cooks the wrong thing, but it's not the end of the world. He has to develop his own relationship with the kids.
DottyDalmation · 17/03/2023 06:18
Is it possible that the SEN is genetic and he is overwhelmed?
how does he feel about the rotas? Is he pulling in the right direction but a headless chicken or intentionally causing issues?
it might help for him to set labelled alarms on his phone ie Thursday 3pm collect kids from school. 8:30pn Thursday kids bedtime. Keep the alarms simple, so fewer essential alarms which ensure individual essentials are prompted.
he might prefer a daily list rather then lots of separate task lists. For example a list entitled ‘Monday’ would have everything (in the right order) for Monday.
keep meals simple. He can cook the same meal every week, week in week out so Thursdays is always spaghetti and Fridays is always fish.
dealing with behaviours will take you showing him and then him trying a technique ie If your Sen child is heightened best remove everyone else from the area.
i had something similar with my DH when I started working full time but in the end I had to stop saving situations and let things fall apart on his days and with things he’s responsible for. I didn’t pass comment, I just let things crash and let him pick up the pieces without my involvement or intervention. I used to get It took 6 months for things to improve and a year later he was fully on his feet.
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 06:21
category12 · 17/03/2023 06:06
Maybe there's too much going on and you need to simplify.
If you have different days for things, perhaps it'd be better to have specific things that are your role, and specific things that are his, instead of chopping and changing?
Also let go a little bit - does it matter if they're a bit late when he's in charge?
Maybe emotionally and practically structure helps you, but he's struggling with it (the diagnosis as well as regimentation)?
Thanks for this
We do have "set things". I do most dop offs - he does one - that they are late for. He does 3 pick ups,but this week he also tried to do one of mine inexplicably.
We've simplified the meals to baked potatoes, egg on toast etc. But this week he tried to make teriyaki salmon - 3 nights in a row.
It does matter that they are late - the girls miss 10 mins of a 30 min dance class, we get shitty emails from another activity, and the kids can tell the time and find it really stressful too. When they are late to bed the mornings are, awful - and look at who does drop offs...
I don't need the structure or care for it particularly but I am trying to help our family dynamic and kids - and they need it.
spelunky · 17/03/2023 06:24
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 06:16
Thanks spelunky that is very validating to hear as I feel like you get it
He does mean well for sure and I know he knows it is not going well just as well as I do. But I seem to be unable to effect improvements and I am not even aware of if he is trying.
It sounds to me like he's struggling and probably trying really hard to get things right but this just isn't his biggest strength.
You both have a lot going on and the most important thing is to love and support each other, even when you're not at your best.
He might be struggling in his own way just as much as you are and need a bit of encouragement and love (not saying you are not giving this, but just that it's really important to be accepting of his flaws).
I'm sure you are doing just great and nobody could cope with the situation you are in any better, so remember to give yourself a pat on the back sometimes!
Are there any support groups near you for parents of SEN children? That might be worth checking out as well x
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2023 06:26
I would think this man is not 10 minutes late for work every day. What is he like to and with people in the outside world?.
What is being renovated currently, can this at all be put on hold?.
I am wondering if resentment is behind all
thus because your attentions are now on the children rather than him. Strategic incompetence is a thing and could well be behind his actions and lack of when it comes to you and his children.
DottyDalmation · 17/03/2023 06:27
It was a brutal time while he was getting up to speed, I felt so cross and frustrated with him and fell out of love with him but our relationship is back on teach now. It took a while to recover
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 06:30
Thanks - I know it isn't his biggest strength. But I seem to be getting the balance wrong between trying to help him out, but that feels like micromanaging him.
It is causing so many diffculties. Another example is piano lessons - there is a problem which he has known about for a while,Ive just found out about it and it isn't good. Kids are distressed by it. I've tried to start conversations about it but he has said he doesn't know what needs to discuss and there is no big issue. Eventually when I pushed it again yesterday by text he said he had considered changing piano school but decided against it. And eventually acknowledged that there is something worth discussing if he has had those sort of thoughts. It is a crap example but I'm trying to show that I seem to have to be all over everything all the time, and he is not communicating with me or validating with the children.
DottyDalmation · 17/03/2023 06:31
If he wants to cook that salmon dish on his nights, then change the menu to reflect this. He can do salmon every time he cooks.
PragmaticWench · 17/03/2023 06:32
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 05:58
Doesn't seem to meet the diagnostic criteria. Nor for autism. We've looked into that too.
OpheliaPlum · 17/03/2023 05:47
Has he had an assessment for ADHD? I’d do that first, then couples therapy to undo the dynamic where you are parenting him.
He absolutely sounds like he has ADHD and just can't cope with a busy life with a build going on and changing needs of children as they grow. He sounds overwhelmed.
Please look into this, I understand how he's feeling (had similar with SEN child and building work etc) and he needs help I think.
Tuilpmouse · 17/03/2023 06:34
category12 · 17/03/2023 06:06
Maybe there's too much going on and you need to simplify.
If you have different days for things, perhaps it'd be better to have specific things that are your role, and specific things that are his, instead of chopping and changing?
Also let go a little bit - does it matter if they're a bit late when he's in charge?
Maybe emotionally and practically structure helps you, but he's struggling with it (the diagnosis as well as regimentation)?
Yes, I was thinking similarly.
Your life sounds incredibly full on and you will both be exhausted. You are organising it like some kind of relentless military campaign of endless plans, deadlines and task lists, and he is struggling to live like this, and he doesn't seem to be coping. He is reacting against being turned into a drudge who's home life is scheduled and ordered with apparent meticulous precision by your plans.
I get the need to be highly organised when you have so many demands having had a young family myself, but it's a struggle even for the most naturally organised people.
I'd go through how you are organising your lives with him, looking at ways to remove unnecessary stresses, and cut back on the planning to those things that aren't completely essential, and let more things slide.
DottyDalmation · 17/03/2023 06:34
DottyDalmation · 17/03/2023 06:18
Is it possible that the SEN is genetic and he is overwhelmed?
how does he feel about the rotas? Is he pulling in the right direction but a headless chicken or intentionally causing issues?
it might help for him to set labelled alarms on his phone ie Thursday 3pm collect kids from school. 8:30pn Thursday kids bedtime. Keep the alarms simple, so fewer essential alarms which ensure individual essentials are prompted.
he might prefer a daily list rather then lots of separate task lists. For example a list entitled ‘Monday’ would have everything (in the right order) for Monday.
keep meals simple. He can cook the same meal every week, week in week out so Thursdays is always spaghetti and Fridays is always fish.
dealing with behaviours will take you showing him and then him trying a technique ie If your Sen child is heightened best remove everyone else from the area.
i had something similar with my DH when I started working full time but in the end I had to stop saving situations and let things fall apart on his days and with things he’s responsible for. I didn’t pass comment, I just let things crash and let him pick up the pieces without my involvement or intervention. I used to get It took 6 months for things to improve and a year later he was fully on his feet.
In addition pair back activities. Do they need to do piano, dance etc? Could the kids just play or go to the park?
demotedreally · 17/03/2023 06:36
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2023 06:26
I would think this man is not 10 minutes late for work every day. What is he like to and with people in the outside world?.
What is being renovated currently, can this at all be put on hold?.
I am wondering if resentment is behind all
thus because your attentions are now on the children rather than him. Strategic incompetence is a thing and could well be behind his actions and lack of when it comes to you and his children.
I don't have a good understanding of his work dynamic but he is often late, often forgets his pass, leaves his coffee on the side etc etc. He is reasonably senior, I don't know if he is late for meetings or just late for the time he would rather be at work if you see what I mean.
I think his skills count for a lot at work and he is thought to do a good job. I hear him communicate with his manager and tell her stuff like - held up with the kids etc. So he does seem to manage a level of communication there.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.