Organisational skills for husband who don't get it

[demotedreally]

Ok I know I am going to get a load of grief for having married a. Man who doesn't seem to get life, but perhaps some people can cut through the crap and help me out a bit. Things didn't used to be this bad but I would say have never been great in this area.

We have a busy life, 2 full time jobs, a renovation and 3 kids all at primary, at least one of whom has SEN. The SEN is news to us in the last 6 months but is dominating our family dynamic (things have got bad quick).

In the meantime my husband seems to have lost control on daily life and I am doing everything, non stop and helping him to do his stuff too.

In recent weeks and months - I have organized the shit out of our lives to try to help - we have routines, a calendar, white board, a meal planner. My eldest children help with it all and tend to know what is going on, who should be where and what is for tea.

Dh doesn't seem to have a clue. He doesn't follow the meal planner on his cooking nights which upsets everyone (causes a mtdown for sen child), prepares meals for my cooking nights, picks up kids on my nights, "forgets what day it is", can't get them to bed on time (last night was 2130 instead of 2015). They always leave the house late on his drop offs.

I am trying to get tips from the internet on parenting together but it is all about shared values etc. Like prioritizing education or approach to discipline. We are nowhere near those discussions. He has no skin in those games. I just do it. "He can't get them to read, do homework, practice piano" etc etc. He wastes a lot of time - by forgetting stuff or coming back for things etc, his job is dishwasher and it takes him much of the evening to load it and sweep the floor.

He gets everyone's backs up by just giving out instructions and repeating them, which doesn't work as an approach. He doesn't consider the impact of this,he doesn't have fun with them particularly or listen to them much.

He is loving towards them. He is very willing in lots of ways. For eg he forgot to go to b&q earlier but when I reminded him off he went. (I just wish he hadn't actually forgotten of course)

We have run out of words for a discussion on this all. It is just a row. And the tension is not helping the kids. And although they love him, they think he is a fool for forgetting to cook the agreed meal, not knowing it is non uniform day etc.

And the burden on me is ridiculous.
(He also can't manage sen child behavior and literally stands there while dc is violent and bites.)

How do I change this dynamic? We are stuck.

OP do you think it's causing you more stress to try to do it as an equal team than if you just did it yourself? I know people on MN insist husbands have to 'pull their weight' and share the mental load, but maybe it would be easier not to expect so much of him if he genuinely can't do it. My stress levels improved dramatically when I accepted that sort of team effort just wasn't going to work for us. No my DH doesn't 'pull his weight' in homelife, but home life for all of us is much happier this way and I've decided to just accept it. Outsource what you can eg cleaning, and your older two sound sensible and able to pack their own bags etc.

Also I do have 3 kids and work FT with no family help, but I don't have a SEN child so I appreciate that is an added challenge

So many “oh but it’s miserable to
live such an organised life” - but it’s perfectly fine to live a life where nothing gets done, everything gets forgotten, children are in chaos and miserable? And the DH answer is just “I wouldn’t be able to manage on my answer” but has no suggestions whatsoever as how to change the current system that doesn’t work for him? Absolutely like having a 4th child.
I highly sympathise with OP because it’s easy to suggest she’s controlling and does too much but she is also the only one doing much of anything and has no choice. Some people might be happy living a disorganised, chaotic life but show me an ADHD child who would thrive in that environment.

@demotedreally you are clearly doing the best you can with such little support yet you are expected to also take on the burden of getting help for your husband who does not seem to want it. Who supports you??

@Motherhubbardscupboard how do you avoid feeling resentful about the fact that your life partner is not an equal partner? Are you able to maintain the same level of respect and affection for them?

I am a high achiever and married someone who is also a high achiever so I suspect it’s just personality type.

@Mumsanetta it's taken a long time to get here. And if I'm really honest i think I do have a bit less respect for him because of it. But I'm really proud of how I've managed and how my kids have turned out (they're older now) and that counts for a lot. It's not ideal and I'm certainly not saying every woman should let their partner shirk chores and childcare, but in certain situations where everything else just isn't working, it is an option.

Some of the comments on this thread have surprised me. I think one person said they don't know anyone with 3 children and full time jobs without a nanny. Bizarre.

Op I have 3 kids. Schedules work for me, but not for DH. One dd has ADHD so routine helps her a lot and prevents unexpected meltdowns.
We don't have any visual charts around but I'm aware of all plans etc from my phone. I tend to just discuss who's doing what the next day before bed. So I'll just say, ok I'm dropping them off in the morning, you need to pick them up and take to x class as I'm in the office. We're having x for tea and it's my turn to make it. Goodnight.

Child 1 plays football twice a week
Child 2 has training for her sport 4 x a week and dance 1 x a week
Child 3 does martial arts 2 x week

We do a lot of back and forth to different activities plus school and work but it's never chaotic like you describe.

Could an option be keeping the schedule to yourself and just prompting DH that day? I understand your frustration but sometimes you just have to let go and accept that things won't be the same as when you do it as he's not you. If the older ones want to do their own bottle that's fine, but if they forget that's on them not DH.

It's weird - I came here to post much the same issue!

My husband is an amazing father but gosh his organisational skills are just terrible. I know I'm super organised but it's almost like he tries to be late for everything!

You make it sound as if he has a choice. In seeing lots of features of ADHD, burnout or both. If this is the case, then he has no choice.

I'm a very high achiever in a very niche scientific field. I also have ADHD. With your mention of structure - yes, I need some structure, but regimentation is the exact opposite. I find it absolutely crushing. It was an overly regimented position that nearly cost me my previously glowing career. I kept pushing and pushing myself, when I should have stepped back. As it was, I needed months off work.

Some of these things absolutely will get easier as the kids grow and are able to take more responsibility for some of their own things - like getting their own water bottles and snacks/packed lunches for school, making sure they have everything they need in their bags, or being responsible for making their own way home from secondary school on the bus.
Is there anything your eldest two children could be made responsible for now? Like putting their reading book/homework back in their bag, or putting out their uniform ready for the morning before they go to sleep? Just little things that won’t result in huge problems for anyone if they get it wrong occasionally.
It will help your husband is more things can be automatic - like having a standard weekly shop that no one has to think about, it just gets delivered/picked up at the same time every week. When you add in a new element like this is does take time for it to be something you just know happens and don’t have to think about. And it sounds like it will take your husband longer to get used to routine changes that it will take for you.

This post, by the way, is ableist and awful.

I have a disabled child and do not consider myself to be ableist so I am sorry that you feel that way.

The OP has said that both her and her DH have looked at ADHD and do not believe he has it. But it seems to be her responsibility to push a diagnosis on him that he doesn’t think he has? Burnout is very real and the DH should get help for it but again it seems to be the OP’s responsibility to push her DH to get help for this too. No consideration that this might bring her to the point of burnout. There has not been a single post on here placing some responsibility on the DH to get help or pursue a diagnosis but plenty telling the OP that she is at fault. It is incredibly unfair that this is all on her and that is what I am reacting to.

Well, OP has come here asking what she can do about the situation.

She's really not giving a picture of a husband who's refusing to seek help. She has told us that he is trying. Burnout is really, really hard to spot in yourself, so I'm not surprised that he's not lined up a psychologist. The classic response to burnout is to try and pretend it's not happening, and just to try harder.

We support our partners when things get tough. If he'd broken an arm, we wouldn't be calling him a man-child for not doing the mowing. We'd be recommending they book a gardener.

The other aspect is that the OP is insisting that she wants to continue what sounds like a very gruelling lifestyle, that they have both created. What I'm seeing in the responses is not telling OP that she's at fault, but more in the line of "the two of you are spread too thin (and something needs to change)".

Also, with "getting help for burnout": the only thing you can really do about it is cut back on commitments. Particularly cutting back on running to other people's timetables.

The abelist part, by the way, was the implication that one could not be a high achiever or an equal partner if one was not "organised".

What might look chaotic to you is simply spontaneous to me. What is organised to you is impossibly tedious to me.

This 👏👏
My advice to OP would be to not squeeze in a 100 things during the weekdays and weekends. There are only a few things in life that are actually important, the rest is all white noise like wanting to pack Saturdays and Sundays with 20 social events. I'm not saying you are doing it currently but there will be things in your calendar that no longer hold value especially given the SEN diagnosis. Cut those out and focus on what is vital for a healthy family life.

Did he ever live on his own? If so, how did he manage that?

What was it like when you first met?

Because he can't or won't do it.

And they have 3 children!

Hmm. I disagree with a few posters. Why should your kids miss classes (if they like them) because their Dad can’t manage? I’m you, OP, still explaining after 7 years that judo starts at 7 on a Tuesday … never goes in

Agree

salmon takes hours

since when does teriyaki salmon take “hours”?!

Dc1 read to dc3 to calm him down "to help you out daddy as you can't get him to bed"

I am guessing that he has heard you say this a great deal OP.

On your own or as a couple is dead easy compared to family life with 3 school age DC. Amazed you think they are equivalent or that one has any bearing on the other.

It was a question! If he was unable to manage on his own then it would have been unrealistic to expect him to manage with children

The OP can answer or not, up to her.

But the converse would not be true, so even if he could manage in his own that is no indication of whether he could manage with children. So it’s a useless question really.

I need heaps of stimulation, but only limited scheduling. I dislike boring predictability. If I'm over scheduled, I don't have enough time for exploration, and I find that rather soul-destroying.

Not that activity levels are a virtue, anyway. Humans are meant to spend large amounts of time resting or playing.