Organisational skills for husband who don't get it

[demotedreally]

Ok I know I am going to get a load of grief for having married a. Man who doesn't seem to get life, but perhaps some people can cut through the crap and help me out a bit. Things didn't used to be this bad but I would say have never been great in this area.

We have a busy life, 2 full time jobs, a renovation and 3 kids all at primary, at least one of whom has SEN. The SEN is news to us in the last 6 months but is dominating our family dynamic (things have got bad quick).

In the meantime my husband seems to have lost control on daily life and I am doing everything, non stop and helping him to do his stuff too.

In recent weeks and months - I have organized the shit out of our lives to try to help - we have routines, a calendar, white board, a meal planner. My eldest children help with it all and tend to know what is going on, who should be where and what is for tea.

Dh doesn't seem to have a clue. He doesn't follow the meal planner on his cooking nights which upsets everyone (causes a mtdown for sen child), prepares meals for my cooking nights, picks up kids on my nights, "forgets what day it is", can't get them to bed on time (last night was 2130 instead of 2015). They always leave the house late on his drop offs.

I am trying to get tips from the internet on parenting together but it is all about shared values etc. Like prioritizing education or approach to discipline. We are nowhere near those discussions. He has no skin in those games. I just do it. "He can't get them to read, do homework, practice piano" etc etc. He wastes a lot of time - by forgetting stuff or coming back for things etc, his job is dishwasher and it takes him much of the evening to load it and sweep the floor.

He gets everyone's backs up by just giving out instructions and repeating them, which doesn't work as an approach. He doesn't consider the impact of this,he doesn't have fun with them particularly or listen to them much.

He is loving towards them. He is very willing in lots of ways. For eg he forgot to go to b&q earlier but when I reminded him off he went. (I just wish he hadn't actually forgotten of course)

We have run out of words for a discussion on this all. It is just a row. And the tension is not helping the kids. And although they love him, they think he is a fool for forgetting to cook the agreed meal, not knowing it is non uniform day etc.

And the burden on me is ridiculous.
(He also can't manage sen child behavior and literally stands there while dc is violent and bites.)

How do I change this dynamic? We are stuck.

I think one person said they don't know anyone with 3 children and full time jobs without a nanny. Bizarre.

This is probaly just that bubble effect where people tend to socialise with people of a similar social status, I think people on higher incomes are probably more likely to think of hiring a nanny. OTOH if you have 3 children who all need full time/wraparound care, then it's quite likely (I don't know, but I would guess) that a nanny is more cost effective or only slightly more expensive than 3 sets of fees, and has loads of benefits compared to a nursery. So having 3 children very close you would either usually need a SAHP, au pair or nanny because of the sheer cost of nursery for 3 at once.

I have 3 but one is a teenager so doesn't need childcare and we live abroad so the cheaper one is free at nursery anyway and the one we do pay for is heavily subsidised. Hardly anybody uses nannies unless they have two parents both working unusual hours.

Hi again all,

Interesting debate continues.

Obviously it is interesting to hear that people are bored by fixed patterns and "drudgery" but when you get married and have 3 children one after another, alongside 2 careers you have kinda chosen it. Un-choosing it is a nuclear option

Yes dh did live on his own in his own merry way and we had some time before kids when we were married. On refection he has always been chaotic.

I looked at the ADHD screening thing below and he still doesn't meet many of the boxes.

You have all helped spell out that things aren't working and the balance isn't right. We had a lovely day out yesterday for dd1 birthday (which I did all the work for) but he was good fun which reminded me that I do actually like him! I am trying to move piano lessons and will look at other things too to see if we can improve in other areas.

The symptom checklist posted isn't much use without the scoring key! I found it for you, it's page two of the document, the poster only provided page one. This is what it says:

Scoring and Interpretation:
If four or more marks appear in the darkly shaded boxes within Part A then the patient has symptoms highly consistent with ADHD in adults and further investigation is warranted.

The frequency scores on Part B provide additional cues and can serve as further probes into the patient’s symptoms. Pay particular attention to marks appearing in the dark shaded boxes. The frequency-based response is more sensitive with certain questions. No total score or diagnostic likelihood is utilized for the twelve questions.

It has been found that the six questions in Part A are the most predictive of the disorder and are best for use as a screening instrument.

ok so he works full time, cooks, cleans, does school runs, bedtimes.

Ok… so he flawlessly, cooks the wrong thing occasionally, runs a bit late here and there

but I really don’t see this as someone who is shirking. This sort of thing comes naturally to me but, for example, driving doesn’t and I’m in awe of those that do it without thinking. And I would suggest the same for him in this scenario

Ok so he’s not flawless

What was his upbringing like?

What are his parents like ? How did they manage anger as a family?

Some people who have very controlling parents as children spend their adulthood ‘acting out’ to the wrong people as they didn’t have much agency or ability to express their emotions or their own individuality as children - so unconsciously communicate passive aggressively as adults.

How was his childhood home run?
Was there a gender split? Was it a mess or OCD territory?

How long is his commute?

do you WFH?

It's normal that if parents can't manage all the activities that children want to do, they don't do them.
Or they do more things when they're older and can take themselves to them.

I have school aged kids and my husband and I both have careers. The compromise is that, in order to make it work, we both work part time. That's what gives me enough of a break from the grind to function. I'm actually much more innovative at work as a result. Not nuclear; compromise.

Also these questions might also be relevant to yourself and your own upbringing.

Sometimes the differences of how we were brought up - family values etc and any unresolved emotional issues only play out under stress when parenting.

That’s been my personal experience anyway - it’s not about the details but unconscious internalised family of origin principles / experiences.

Did you both consciously and equally work together as a team shoulder to shoulder before recent decline?

How is your Mother’s Day going?

Has he stepped up to get the kids to spoil you with gifts / cards etc?

It really sounds stressful for both of you. You're clearly both struggling, and frustrated, so you need to sit down and decide how next to make things work.

You clearly both have very different ways of doing things. Call it personality type if you like. He does sound like he might have ADHD, you do sound like you could have autistic traits.

Your lifestyle also sounds super stressful - so many activities! Could you simplify? Could you afford to pay someone to help you project manage the rest of the renovation? Maybe even afford a daily help?

Compromise means finding a way to do things that meets everyone's needs, not doing them the way that makes one person happy. Clearly neither of you are having your needs met here. No wonder the kids are fed up, they are caught in the middle.

I agree, find a different way to segregate jobs. I personally could not cope with different days being different tasks - it's easier if eg I always do the dinner, he always clears up. All the lists and rotas just sound exhausting.

I divorced someone like this last year. My life is SO simple now! Everything runs smoothly, apart from when something still requires input from him, ie the kids have been with him and he drops them off without things they need such as school shoes, books….every single week we have the same issue, he manages to create chaos without even living here. 7 months on and he still can’t remember the basics. I’ve suggested he writes lists but he won’t. Now the kids have taken it upon themselves to help manage daddy (they are 8-12). He does the most insane things, sometimes dangerous. They tell me he’s not coping. Kids are not stupid. When we still lived together, they’d say ‘mummy you do everything, daddy can’t do anything’. It was exhausting. I literally had EVERYTHING on my plate. I tried to give him tasks but he’d (strategically) get it wrong, so that I wouldn’t ask him again. He has such a simple life, working part time…just can’t cope. We had couples counselling but he made himself out to be the victim and took zero responsibility for his own actions or how his lack of parenting affected me. My life is a million times better without this 4th child in my life. You have my sympathies and I really don’t agree that this is your fault for creating schedules and lists which you have done out of desperation. Who wants to live like that? You just want a PARTNER, and you deserve to have one. Sure, he might find things difficult but what choice are you realistically left with if he won’t address his inability to adult?

You are not going to like this but here goes:

Why did you make life so difficult for yourself when you knew that your partner has some issues in the first place?

Having to juggle 3 kids, work and a renovation project is going to be stressful for anyone.

But even more for someone who needs routine/struggles with change/gets overwhelmed easily.

So it looks like the inevitable happened and your partner can no longer cope and is struggling to provide the level of support you expect.

I think the danger is that this will soon start to affect his work, and therefore your finances, if he is not able to perform in his job.

So I think you need to have a serious rethink about your life at the moment because your partner's issues are not going to disappear.

Your current planning and micro-managing are not working so you need to look at plan B.

• Stop trying to make everything perfect

• be realistic and accept that one of you will likely need to go part-time to have more time to spend with your kids.

It does sound like you choose to do a lot with your DC - all great but don't underestimate the mental effort those arrangements take. Your DH is struggling and you are struggling with your DH struggling.

It's probably not realistic to assume your DH will undergo a conversion and if this is getting to you, you will either burn out or become resentful if you pick up more.

So it makes sense to simplify things when you can. Can DC have a hot meal at school on swimming days so that they can have a cold tea?
Can you pick up click and collect supermarket shopping when you are transporting to other clubs?
Can you outsource cleaning, ironing, car valeting etc ?
Who fills the water bottles doesn't matter in the big scheme of family life.

So we have had some time to talk this weekend, which has been nice. We have agreed that we are not managing very well at the moment, and we have decided to try to find an after school nanny to try to take the pressure off and see if we can calm things down, especially for dc3.

Just to be clear, I dont over schedule him, we overschedule ourselves, we are a partnership, just one that isnt coping very well, and getting annoyed with each other. We have acknowledged how hard things are at the moment.

I think everyone is right that we have been trying to be more efficient to fit more in, but actually we have too much on. If we can find a nanny then that might help.

Part time working is not an option for me, it might be for him, except he already has a flexible work agreement, which he probably doesnt make the most of.

I'm interested in the person who said it sounds like I have autism - in what way?

Hello OP, I hear you! I have one DC and a partner with similar executive functions and planning skills like your DP. We have very similar issues.

He is unable to manage a calendar. He might or might not look at mine. I plan everything and tell him all the stuff that will happen the night before. In our case it works ok-ish most of the time. I don’t sweat the small stuff and leave him to it.

But - it’s not an equal partnership. Will have unpredictable outbursts when overwhelmed. No point in giving feedback, will get defensive and aggressive. Will sometimes take the lead on something but won’t communicate beforehand or seek feedback on plans. Refuses to consider ADHD as a possibility which means no help available to him. I am considering leaving, it’s just no fun.

Glad you have had a conversation, op. Must be a relief to get things straightened

I have a coworker like this. I often wondered what their home life must be like. Now I know.

OP, I honestly don't know you are wrong / bossy / micromanaging. I do, however, think your SEN DC got some of their needs from their dad.