Is any woman impossible to abuse?

[Sushi4Dins]

Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?

If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?

[Fairislefandango]

Not being overly invested in the idea of being in a long-term relationship definitely helps. As does knowing that you do not owe any man a relationship or even a second date and that you can end a relationship for literally any reason you want.

But it's all very easy to say that. Presumably a large number of women in abusive relationships have been made vulnerable to abuse by having an abusive or dysfunctional upbringing and/or by having poor relationships modelled by their family.

[Sushi4Dins]

This only had a handful of replies when I went to bed, last night. I wasn’t expecting there to be so many responses and forgot to look during the day. Thank you very much everyone. It’s been very illuminating reading. I’ve found your thoughts very helpful, and I hope others have, as well.

[aurynne]

Some people (not only women) don't seem to understand that not everyone will "doubt themselves" because another person questions them. If you have a good confidence, you will know for sure what happened, and you will know your feelings ARE valid. Anyone who tried to question you will make you feel distrustful of the person who questions you, not of yourself. I very often feel dismayed hearing how friends of mine blame themselves when thewir partner has behaved like a dickhead, and how they feel responsible somehow for their partner's feelings. That will not be me, and I can say that with confidence because I have lived that situation before several times. Those guys who tried to do that in my life are out of it, and fast.

The excuse about staying because he threatens to take the kids... sorry but I'd rather kill him and spend my life in jail than let my children stay with an abusive arsehole who will teach them this behaviour is normal, so they grow up to replicate that behaviour themselves. I would leave both for my own and my children's well being.

[MarieRoseMarie]

@Rainbow03

Yep @Watchkeys we have different ways, we are all different. In all honesty I’m happy and living life with a new man. I can’t let one bad apple stop me from being free and keep me focused on potential dripping taps. I’m still a sensitive bugger even after everything I’ve been through. I use my experience to live and love for my children and for myself. I refuse to harden, life is hard enough. Will I ever be abused again I highly doubt it but it won’t deter me from loving whole heartedly, relationships can be amazing. I only speak from my experience though. Why some people go from one abusive relationship to another is not something I have experience in. I was young and inexperienced now I’m not.

sensitive bugger = insecure with no boundaries
refuse to harden = refuse to learn
Loving wholeheartedly = codependency and helplessness

This thread is a great example. Some women make it a point of pride that they won’t learn.

[Rainbow03]

@MarieRoseMarie you have just described perfectly the definition of gaslighting…..when someone says one thing but the other person says you say another. I’m forever learning and evolving. My experience (which I doubt by your response you’ve ever experienced) belongs to me. I’m amazing and strong but thanks for the concern.

[PhoenixAuntie]

@Thighlengthboots thank you for articulating just how I feel. I am quite cold, hard and logical. I have very black and white thinking. I do have empathy but have never been overly emotional. I was having a discussion about crying with colleagues once and one woman said she cried almost every day and all the others did it so often, I was sat there the odd one out at maybe once a year.

@Fairislefandango I am also similar with my approach and only two relationships and now in my fifties. I get really annoyed when people don’t believe how I would rather be single if DH and I were no longer together.

[Rainbow03]

Definition of sensitive “having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings.” how beautiful is that human characteristic and how sad that a man has to exploit it and how sad other women must mock it or even feel the need to mock it in order to appear harder.

[MarieRoseMarie]

@Rainbow03

@MarieRoseMarie you have just described perfectly the definition of gaslighting…..when someone says one thing but the other person says you say another. I’m forever learning and evolving. My experience (which I doubt by your response you’ve ever experienced) belongs to me. I’m amazing and strong but thanks for the concern.

Lol, gaslighting isn’t disagreeing with someone. It’s trying to make someone doubt their perception of themselves. I’m disagreeing with you.

Women fetishise niceness and being kind and refuse to let go of being weak. You see on threads all the time. “I’m too nice.” It’s not niceness and having boundaries is not weakness. It makes women in abusive relationships feel better but does it make them stronger?

[MarieRoseMarie]

@Rainbow03

Definition of sensitive “having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings.” how beautiful is that human characteristic and how sad that a man has to exploit it and how sad other women must mock it or even feel the need to mock it in order to appear harder.

Beyond sensitive has nothing to do with being in abusive relationships. You could argue that quickly understanding and appreciating other people’s feelings could make you less vulnerable to abuse because you could understand other people’s intentions more quickly.

But I’m guessing by “sensitive”, you mean “thinks the best of everyone” and “gives everyone the benefit of the doubt”.

Being a mug with no discernment, basically.

[Rainbow03]

But @MarieRoseMarie you don’t just say I disagree you entirely changed the words I said to something else and to that you changed them into something negative. You can be strong and sensitive, you can be soft and hard it doesn’t have to be “or”. You aren’t abused because you are sensitive you are abused because some person is sick.

[Lostmarblesfinder]

Women fetishise niceness and being kind and refuse to let go of being weak. You see on threads all the time. “I’m too nice.” It’s not niceness and having boundaries is not weakness. It makes women in abusive relationships feel better but does it make them stronger?

Women do present more with the personality trait of agreeableness and while that is out of weakness it is simply a biological fact that women are physically weaker than men.

We have needed to be more agreeable to get our needs met but more importantly to stay safe from men who would harm us and it has become a cultural expectation in almost every culture out there from both men and women that women will behave in a more agreeable way even when the behaviour they are confronting is awful.

[Rainbow03]

I’m sorry but you pointed out that when I said I am still sensitive that I am insecure with no boundaries, I am merely wondering why you attach that part of my character to something negative. You could have said that’s amazing you have a gift to be able to spot people’s intentions . Why do people instantly point out certain characteristics and pin them onto a victim Like a badge. I’m sensitive so I got abused, Im still sensitive despite being abused…oh no that means you have no boundaries
and are insecure. No it doesn’t it means Im
me and I got abused, it was bad, I was really unlucky.

[DivorcingEU]

This thread contains some wonderful examples of the absolute lack of understanding of abuse in romantic relationships. And how to recognise the signs.

And they come almost exclusively from posters saying they could never be abused because, essentially, they're smart enough and independent enough to not put up with an abuser or be unable to leave a relationship.

Yeah. Mate, you're just a fucking challenge for some of them. Count yourself VERY lucky that you haven't come across one who is up for the challenge. There's a type that specifically likes strong independent women, because they feed their power by curtailing yours. They play a VERY long game. They know you're a challenge. They don't mind taking micro steps. They don't mind waiting years. And it can be years before you even begin to notice somethings up.

Basically I'm happy for you that you don't know what you're talking about, but you really are naive to all the ways there are to abuse a romantic partner.

[Rainbow03]

@Lostmarblesfinder women as a species grow and nurture children. We are beautiful, why must we be harder like men.
We are women not men. We can be hard and soft and sensitive and lots of things,
none of those make is more susceptible to abuse. A lot of men are sick, a lot of society is sick and reading this threat a lot of women are heading that way. That’s just my opinion.

[Enufsaid]

I don’t think anyone is immune to abuse, no. But the higher your self esteem and stronger your physical and financial independence the more you are immunised so that you can leave a relationship with ease and not put up with anything.

Having kids makes people vulnerable. Being dependent financially makes people vulnerable. Being scared of being alone makes people vulnerable. So stands to reason that the opposite circumstances and characteristics will make people less vulnerable.

[Rainbow03]

Where is this mentally come from that women who’ve been abused were roaming around the streets with their lack of self esteem, desperate for someone to save them, with there negative traits, their terrible childhoods, lack of finances, lonely with no one to love them and no boundaries. Why are women saying and believing this? Just where has this come from.

[Tuters]

This should come with a trigger warning.
If the posters who think that seeing reflags, finically Independent, etc etc are immune to being abused think again.
If you have the capability to love and trust then unfortunately you are not immune.
I work with people who have found themselves in abusive relationships, I'm not talking about not doing the houseworker any of the bullshit stereotypes ,I'm talking people who have hidden the abuse because of other peoples views and judgements.

[MarieRoseMarie]

@DivorcingEU

This thread contains some wonderful examples of the absolute lack of understanding of abuse in romantic relationships. And how to recognise the signs.

And they come almost exclusively from posters saying they could never be abused because, essentially, they're smart enough and independent enough to not put up with an abuser or be unable to leave a relationship.

Yeah. Mate, you're just a fucking challenge for some of them. Count yourself VERY lucky that you haven't come across one who is up for the challenge. There's a type that specifically likes strong independent women, because they feed their power by curtailing yours. They play a VERY long game. They know you're a challenge. They don't mind taking micro steps. They don't mind waiting years. And it can be years before you even begin to notice somethings up.

Basically I'm happy for you that you don't know what you're talking about, but you really are naive to all the ways there are to abuse a romantic partner.

I grew up in a working class community surrounded by so called “strong women” who somehow found themselves in abusive relationships by these magically subtle abusers.

The reality was this:

1. the women were emotionally strong but hugely financially and socially vulnerable. This made it impossible for them to leave relationships and they had very low standards for men because they had no other options and literally couldn’t afford to live without help; OR
2. The women were loud and mouthy but brittle and hugely insecure. Think Kerry Katona or Faye from Love Island. They would scream and swear and threaten to slap men but actually had poor boundaries and were “soft” on men they liked. They weren’t strong at all, emotionally. Just loud. These men were awful from the getgo.

I then went to a nice MC university and I ran into woman 2 but in middle class form.

1. Cold, polished, slim, bitchy and posh. Intimidating to women with lower self esteem. Again, none of these women had any self esteem and there was nothing strong about them. They were just slightly bitchy.

Strength is overrated as a virtue for women because it mostly is interpreted by other women as “a woman who intimidates me”. Nothing to do with the actual factors that are statistically proven to protect you against abuse.

[Rainbow03]

@Tuters it should absolutely come with a warning. To be human is to be susceptible, if you want to be unsusceptible be a chair.

[ItstheZwartbles]

Yes I think I am immune. I have no desire for a romantic relationship and haven't done for 20 years. I prefer the single life.
Wasn't always immune, ended up an emotionally abusive relationship as a teenager and am actually thankful I had that experience as I learnt important lessons young. I don't think I do have the ability to trust but nor do I care because I'm happy without men.

[Mirabai]

I don’t think anyone could ever say they couldn’t be with someone who turned out to be abusive. I’ve never dated anyone abusive, but at the start of a relationship you’re just getting to know the person, so it’s not impossible. But for personalities like me, there would only be one abusive incident before they were dumped.

I don’t agree that you have to stay out of relationships to avoid abusive men you just need to be discriminating.

[DixonD]

I won’t stand for any kind of controlling behaviour. My DH has tried on occasion, especially financially, and it gets shut down immediately. He has good intentions in his mind, but I won’t stand for it.

Ultimately, the most useful form of power is being happy to not be in a relationship. I was happy on my own, and I know I would be happy on my own again if it came to it.

[EmmaEmerald]

DivorcingEU "Basically I'm happy for you that you don't know what you're talking about, but you really are naive to all the ways there are to abuse a romantic partner."

Romantic partner? No. Looking at this thread, I think it's probably a lot about how someone prioritises "romantic" relationships.

I accept the term "impossible to abuse" is open to interpretation. I thought OP meant emotional abuse in romantic relationships though.

[QueefQueen80s]

A good childhood with loving parents who stuck up for me when kids or my brothers bullied me. As I grew up and went to secondary school I never tolerated anyone being mean to me etc, just cut them off if they were. The people who I allowed in my life always build me up and say nice things. I love banter and teasing but any sniff of anything insulting or cruel then they go.
It all starts with the parenting.