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Relationships

Is any woman impossible to abuse?

244 replies

Sushi4Dins · 16/03/2023 00:25

Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?

If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?

OP posts:
BatshitCrazyWoman · 16/03/2023 14:18

TempNCforthis · 16/03/2023 10:34

The best thing you can do is put yourself in a position where you don't need to be rescued. So you have enough money to live on, your home is secure, you have friends to talk to. The other thing I think is not to sleep with someone too quickly because feelings get involved and exaggerated in the early days if you do. I am as guilty as anyone of that! However I do think if I was starting a relationship now I would not sleep with them immediately.

I don't think you can generalise about sleeping with someone meaning your feelings get involved. That's absolutely not true for me, and I'm sure the same can be said for other women, too

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 14:19

The only women who won’t get caught in an abusive relationship is one who gets into no relationships. Abuse is insidious. They are not abusive at he beginning. Each and every one of us are made up of various traumas, flaws, character traits, etc, no one is impervious to that. An abuser will be working those out from the very beginning without you having any idea what’s going on. They will be mirroring you from the very start, whoever you are you will be be falling in love with yourself, they will get you whoever you are like no other. Then you are trapped.

UWhatNow · 16/03/2023 14:39

I’ve never put up with shit from men. Even when my self esteem was low I wouldn’t stand for disrespect. I’m not a good looking woman but all of my boyfriends in my 20s were lovely gentlemen. I married an emotionally intelligent, attentive man who has been a fantastic husband and father. An equal partnership in every way.

I wouldn’t never say never, but at the very first word or suspicion that a man was a dick it would turn me off and I’d walk away.

I’m not sure I believe this Jekyll and Hyde theory of abusers revealing their true nature later in the relationship. When you find out someone was abusive, it’s amazing how many people (usually women) say ‘I never liked him’ ‘I always thought he was creepy’ ‘He was always a prick’ etc. You don’t have to spend long with people for them to give off very strong signals about their values, their priorities and their tolerance levels. They can create a ‘nice guy’ persona but sometimes even that can be a clue and if it seems inauthentic then it probably is. Certainly before living or getting into a relationship you should know if they are patient and kind in all situations. How they react when you piss them off or disagree with them for the first time? That’s usually a telling time.

I was raised by a feminist 70s mother who used to say ‘a man would only hit me once’ - and that sums it up for me. You have to always be in control.

Blippie · 16/03/2023 14:39

MarieRoseMarie · 16/03/2023 13:47

@Blippie this thread is uncomfortable because many abuse victims have been so beaten down by the abuser that they cannot distinguish responsibility from blame, and they believe that if they acknowledge that any part of their life and relationship choices are under their control, then they are taking blame away from the abuser. It is now their fault.

Of course, this means that they have no incentive to actually protect themselves because they believe they cannot protect themselves. That is not true, the freedom program and other programs like it work because they enable women to better protect themselves.

Some women on this thread keep insisting that this is uncomfortable and sad to hear but the truth is uncomfortable to hear. We expect men to hear the difficult truths about their gender, and we should expect women to hear difficult truths about our own.

I disagree, but it's difficult to articulate. Many abuse victims know why they're vulnerable but hearing other people say 'it's because I had a good upbringing with no abuse, great self esteem, am doing well financially and have a strong support network' isn't helpful.

There's no bad intent there i don't think, but it's not something that is actually helpful. These things are lifelong issues people struggle with of you don't have.

Ameadowwalk · 16/03/2023 14:59

Zola1 · 16/03/2023 09:57

I feel like this is a really unpleasant, victim blaming thread. I'm sure it wasn't intended that way, but through my professional lens I'm reading it thinking how painful it would be for some of the ladies I support to read all these lists of things they should have done better.
Rather than aspiring to some mysterious list of the right qualities, maybe we should wonder about how we stop men being abusive

👏

GarlicGrace · 16/03/2023 18:01

If you'll forgive me quoting myself, @Ameadowwalk & @Zola1, this is not victim blaming. It's not my fault I was raised by a psychopath, it's not your fault someone took advantage of your desire to make them happy.

Different abusers target different victims in different ways. The one thing they have in common is a powerful need to control other people. Cultural 'givens' tend to validate this in men, particularly when it's about controlling a woman.

The way to stop it is to arrive at a point where abusers don't get the opportunity. That requires awareness and non-acceptance by all their potential targets. Which is what threads like this are for.

MarieRoseMarie · 16/03/2023 18:03

@Blippie

I just think that it’s a bit disturbing that “protect the victims” means shielding them from the truth. If this thread were about a specific person, fine but I think it’s dangerous.

Women learn from other’s experiences and a women do have learned helplessness. This is a good thread for those women to think about the assumptions they have about how much agency they have over their lives.

Instead of assuming that they are doomed to abuse. Or, more accurately, that it’s 100% luck.

The old chestnut that “strong women get abused more” is being trotted out as well. Complete rubbish but women cling to it like a lifesaver. It’s time these myths were busted.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 18:16

That’s like saying if you a good strong women don’t worry you’ll never get hit by a car only weak ones do. Nobody sees the car coming otherwise they wouldn’t step out.

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/03/2023 18:28

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 14:19

The only women who won’t get caught in an abusive relationship is one who gets into no relationships. Abuse is insidious. They are not abusive at he beginning. Each and every one of us are made up of various traumas, flaws, character traits, etc, no one is impervious to that. An abuser will be working those out from the very beginning without you having any idea what’s going on. They will be mirroring you from the very start, whoever you are you will be be falling in love with yourself, they will get you whoever you are like no other. Then you are trapped.

No. Anyone can start a relationship with someone who turns out to be abusive but some women can and do leave the moment the abuser starts to show their true colours.

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 18:43

@Untitledsquatboulder

I agree. This view that any of us could get got is deeply disempowering.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 18:52

Sometimes an abuser can wear a mask for years and only be triggered by a stressful event, eg a death. Sometimes it can be after so much has been invested, children, finances. There is absolutely no blame in being a victim of abuse. There is no blame in being sensitive and empathetic. The blame is entirely on the hands of the abuser. Work to help heal the trauma in a victim a lot of the time is simply about feeling like you can take control over yourself again. Feeling like you can change something about yourself makes you feel like you can stop it happening again making the brain feel safe for the future. It shouldn’t be taken that there is something wrong that needed fixing.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 18:56

@Watchkeys bad people hurt good people, bad people hurt bad people, good people hurt bad people and good people hurt good people. It’s empowering I believe in how you deal with it afterwards.

Fairislefandango · 16/03/2023 19:16

I've never been in an abusive relationship. I'm quite an unromantic person, have never believed in the idea of 'the one', find the idea of being swept off my feet unappealing and was always of the opinion that the vast, vast majority of men were unsuitable relationship material.

I'm 51 and have been happily married for 20 years, but this is only my second ever relationship because I was always extremely picky. I would discount potential partners for a gazillion reasons that were not remotely abusive. Genuinely, why be with someone if they don't enhance your life? I would always rather have been single than be with someone who was even a bit irritating or a bit incompatible with me, never mind abusive!

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 19:20

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 18:56

@Watchkeys bad people hurt good people, bad people hurt bad people, good people hurt bad people and good people hurt good people. It’s empowering I believe in how you deal with it afterwards.

I agree, but that's a different point. How you deal with being hurt is different from making sure you don't get hurt.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 19:33

We all different, we all picky, doesn’t make you any more susceptible being a different kind of picky to the next person. I’m a sensitive soul so would not be compatible with a tougher soul. A tougher no bull soul wouldn’t necessarily be compatible with the same person as me. Why should I toughen up to avoid an abuser, being sensitive is not a negative trait, neither is being a no bull type of person. Abusers will like a “strong” women if they want one and they need that kind of “advantage”. I don’t think it’s true they pick “certain kinds of people”. Want to be less susceptible then live on your own. People like to say “I’d never get caught” because they haven’t been unlucky, simple.

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 19:36

I don’t think it’s true they pick “certain kinds of people

No, they try it with all kinds of people. Certain kinds stay with them.

Want to be less susceptible then live on your own. People like to say “I’d never get caught” because they haven’t been unlucky, simple

No. I was unlucky, learned what I'd done wrong, and won't do it again. Nobody will ever abuse me twice because I'll leave on the first instance, and I won't ever be in a position where I can't walk away. Those are my decisions that I make about my life, so nobody can tell me they're not true. It doesn't mean I can never live with somebody. I live with my partner now, but I'd be able to leave if there was ever any trouble.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 19:36

People are talking like it’s two dates in and whack it’s glaring you in your face. It’s often years into the relationship and a slow drip drip like a tap.

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 19:38

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 19:36

People are talking like it’s two dates in and whack it’s glaring you in your face. It’s often years into the relationship and a slow drip drip like a tap.

You can hear a tap drip. You don't have to let it keep dripping.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 19:41

I was unlucky I’m learning that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I got caught by a bad man unfortunately. I’m gonna love the way I love because no one can take who I am away. We all deal with it differently though. Life is to be loved.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 19:45

@Watchkeys who keeps still long enough in the same room to listen when running around living life dealing with work, kids etc the tap drips until it causes major problems. Then you got someone telling you the tap isn’t dripping, the tap stops for a while so it’s fixed but then it starts again.

Watchkeys · 16/03/2023 19:48

If it starts dripping, I keep a close eye on it and if it keeps doing it, I sort it out. We have different approaches, @Rainbow03

I'm confident that I won't be abused again because my life is my own. Whether you agree is neither here nor there. I hope that you have or will have the same confidence.

Wallywobbles · 16/03/2023 19:49

DontGetEvenGetEverything · 16/03/2023 02:26

I think most people underestimate how clever, careful and manipulative abusive males are.
But, having said that, I think they choose their victims. No abuser stumbles into a relationship and then, oh no, I just can't help abusing my partner. They choose victims who lack emotional, social and financial resources. Same with sexual abusers, targeting kids (including their own) who don't have a trusting relationship with any adult.
So, I'd suggest, it's not that un-abusable women spot the red flags. It's that abusive men are smart enough to only do what they can get away with.

I think you might have a point. When I started being pursued be ExH I told him all the shit I'd experienced, deaths, rape etc and he took from that I was damaged and vulnerable. But I'm not.

Things didn't work out as he planned because I'm financially independent. So could leave.

What gives them real power is that when you have their kids they can threaten to take them away and you know they will damage them. And there's fuck all you can do about it so you stay.

TheMatriarchy · 16/03/2023 20:03

No one is immune. The only thing you can do is make sure you never block your exit. And that means financial independence in this world.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 20:16

Yep @Watchkeys we have different ways, we are all different. In all honesty I’m happy and living life with a new man. I can’t let one bad apple stop me from being free and keep me focused on potential dripping taps. I’m still a sensitive bugger even after everything I’ve been through. I use my experience to live and love for my children and for myself. I refuse to harden, life is hard enough. Will I ever be abused again I highly doubt it but it won’t deter me from loving whole heartedly, relationships can be amazing. I only speak from my experience though. Why some people go from one abusive relationship to another is not something I have experience in. I was young and inexperienced now I’m not.

Rainbow03 · 16/03/2023 20:21

So I guess in answer to the original post. Is any women impossible to abuse? One that has been abused before would probably be one of the hardest to abuse.

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