My boyfriend said he'll always love his mum more than me

[christie57]

Today my partner said to me that he will always love his mum more than me. I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.

This feels like a massive deal breaker to me but I don't know if I'm overreacting as I have a strained relationship with my own family.

Obviously I don't want to come in between their relationship but I want to be his highest priority. I don't want to find myself settling down with a man who's always going to take his mother's side over mine.

In my previous relationship with my children's father. We always prioritised each other over our families so, this is very odd to me. Am I over reacting or do I just call it quits here?

I can see why OP came out with that. If the mother has been difficult to get along with, has openly judged OP for having children and isn't making an effort with her because of her having children, this is obviously something that is going to cause tension between OP and her DP. He isn't reassuring OP, he is backing his mothers opinions up by telling OP to just get on with his mother, despite her opinions of OP. So I can see why someone would say 'you love her more' in the heat of the moment as thats basically what he is behaving like., I imagine OP feels pretty undermined and unimportant to him.

His previous partner 'didn't make an effort with his mother'. I would take this to mean the previous partner found it very hard to get along with her too. So thats 2 of his partners finding her difficult.

He obviously thinks his partners should get along with his mother, regardless of how difficult she is and that they should be the ones making the effort. I can imagine having an argument or disagreement over the way the mother was treating OP, and he was jumping to the mothers defense and blaming OP for them not getting along or her 'not making the effort, like his last partner', and OP feeling completely down the pecking order.

His answer to that statement was to agree to it. Most normal partners would reply with something like 'what are talking about, thats ridiculous'. perhaps it was defensive, but it very clearly shows he didn't give a shit about OPs viewpoint on the treatment of her by his mother, and sounds like he downplays his mothers part in this.

I'd be leaving. leave them to it. She doesn't like you op because you have children already. Shows exactly what sort of person she is, and unfortunately it also sounds like your DP is ok with this viewpoint of hers and not backing you up. what he is saying is, he wants an easy life, his mother can say what she wants, and with opinions like that she is probably an overbearing nightmare, and yes he sounds like a mummies boy.

I don't have any grandchildren yet but cannot imagine EVER thinking differently re. my sons and daughters so completely agree!

I know a lot of people think (and I have seen it myself) the maternal side is more 'important' because possibly the GC Mum is close to her own Mum, but that does not take away feelings and is down to adult relationships. So on that score, I truly hope my sons meet partners who do not feel 'Mums mum is more important' and who I have a close relationship with, but I certainly would not feel any more strongly because me and my daughters have the physical ability to give birth whereas my sons don't!

And I meant Mums mum in terms of the importance of grandparents - clearly Mums Mum would be more important to the partner generally!

Exactly.

I wouldn't worry - I've never met anyone in real life who thinks like this. Relationships are based on the actions and outlook of the individuals involved. Good grandparents/ parents tend to be very involved in their children's/grandchildren's lives, regardless of whether their offspring are girls or boys.

@Eyerollcentral @5128gap are you expecting the grandchildren to be aware of this 'different bond'?

I loved my paternal granny because she was kind and loving and baked with me and was gentle and patient with me. I certainly wasn't aware that I was supposed to feel a 'special bond' with my maternal grandmother. Had she expected one just because she was my mums mum she would have been sorely disappointed.

All my grand parents bar my maternal grandmother were dead before I was born so she was my only frame of reference and I absolutely adored her. Saw her every single day as a child until I was well in to my teens and thereafter still two or three times a week.
Most grandchildren in my own family are much closer to the mother’s mother than the father’s, whilst having loving relationships with both. That’s certainly not unusual among my friends with their children and parents either.

I can see why OP came out with that. If the mother has been difficult to get along with, has openly judged OP for having children and isn't making an effort with her because of her having children, this is obviously something that is going to cause tension between OP and her DP. He isn't reassuring OP, he is backing his mothers opinions up by telling OP to just get on with his mother, despite her opinions of OP. So I can see why someone would say 'you love her more' in the heat of the moment as thats basically what he is behaving like., I imagine OP feels pretty undermined and unimportant to him

I can't see why she did.

She's told him she can't be arsed to make any effort with his mum.
He isn't happy to have a relationship where a partner is in conflict with his mother and suggested breaking up if this is an issue.
OP turned it into a competition about whether he loves his mother more than her.

His mum sounds a bit judgey on the children situation. He's well within his rights not to want a relationship that's going to come with years of conflict and having to mediate between his partner and parent.

But OP says herself she wants to be his highest priority, has poor relationships with her own family, and has had previous relationships where her and ex sacrificed their own families to prioritise each other. It sounds like a barmy and unhealthy outlook.

@Eyerollcentral I adored both my grandmothers but certainly didn't feel a special bond with my maternal grandmother just because.

In my experience grandchildren tend to see more of the grandparents who are local to them, irrespective of them being maternal or paternal grandparents.

I think as mothers we can sometimes assume that our children feel closer to our parents, as that's who WE feel closer to, but in reality children love their grandparents for who they are, not which parent they are related to.

I imagine they will, yes. Not as a result of anything I do or feel (my remarks were made about pregnancy and biological bonds to an unborn child, not about how much I do and would love DGC as people in their own right) but because I'm aware it's highly likely they will see their relationship with me differently, regardless of my love for them.
I was at my DDs child's birth and have seen DGC every day since, including weekly overnights, weekends and a couple of days a week childcare. DGC calls my house her other house.
My lovely DIL has her own mum, and while my offer of support to her will be the same as to DD, i know she won't take me up on that. And that's OK. Of course the woman who raised her who she's loved and trusted all her life is going to be the person she turns to. My role will be to give what's wanted, be there as second support as needed, and not overstep.
As DGC grow, bonds change and develop and come down to personality as much as biology, so who knows which relationships will be closer.
I will love them all.

What more is there to say?

I have never understood the double standard here... it's a massive red flag if a man loves his mum as the umbilical cord hasn't been cut, but if a woman is really close with her parents and frequents their place, all good!

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Are you suggesting that I would naturally have a different bond with my daughter’s children than I would with my sons’? I just cannot believe this to be true. I don’t have any kind of different bond with my daughter currently so does it just change when she becomes a mother? My sons are 19&18 and my daughter is about to turn 16 and I’m in no way more bonded or closer to her than the boys.

Growing up I wasn’t closer to my maternal GM. I loved them both and saw them both regularly and as a child I wasn’t really aware of anything that suggested I should be closer to my maternal GM.

Do you feel you have a different bond with your daughter to your son? I’ve never felt that.

@5128gap I think if you genuinely offer your DS and DDIL the same amount of childcare you give your daughter, you'll find they take you up on it. I don't think young people think there is a thing such as too much free child care 😂.

I see my grandchilden from both son and daughter often, and have amazing bonds with them all. My son would be gutted if he thought I wasn't as bonded to his children!

@WishIdDoneItYearsAgo I can only speak for myself but I don't feel any differently about my son's children than I do about my daughter's.

They are all my grandchildren and I love them for the little people they are. My son's eldest daughter reminds me so much of my own daughter when she was young, in a way that HER daughter doesn't. My daughter has my only grandson, which of course makes me think of his uncle when he was small ❤️. And when they are all playing together and racing around my house it makes my heart happy

Actually, if anything I’m closest to my eldest son but I feel equally bonded to all of them. DD and I don’t bond over clothes or shopping as we’re very different. She’s very beautiful and fashionable and likes make up etc but also she’s fiercely academic and independent and can’t wait to go to university at the other end of the country whereas her brother wanted to stay local and at 19 has been with his lovely girlfriend since they were 15. Maybe some women feel they have more of an infinity with their daughter than their son but I’ve never felt that way. I love all of them very much and hope to be equally involved in all their lives. Re overstepping the mark; I cannot imagine being there when either my daughter or and DIL gives birth as that seems intrusive to me. I would never have wanted my own mother there or anyone other than DH.

@Holly60, thank you! I don’t yet have grandchildren so I worried things would change. I love all 3 of my children and couldn’t imagine feeling a different bond to my daughter or her children over either of my sons or theirs.

@WishIdDoneItYearsAgo you might not have a choice over whether you are at the births 😂. I looked after their eldest DC when my DDIL was in labour with their second. They wanted me to bring her to the hospital as soon as the baby had been born. I was all ready to drop her and go but I was ushered in to meet the brand new baby! Wasn't expecting that but DDIL got a bit teary when i got there so gave her a massive hug and told her how well she'd done. Only stayed a few minutes really but I could tell it was nice for them to show baby off and hear my admiring comments 😂❤️

@Holly60 awe that sounds lovely! Yes, I’d find that a privilege too but would never expect to be there when they actually gave birth as I’d expect them to want their partner with them but of course I’d step up if needed. My MIL was first to see our eldest as she was able to leave work and come straight there whereas my mum was a HT so couldn’t leave until the end of the day.

You pushed for an impossible answer. Yabu.

You won't 🥰 I don't think there is any particular biological drive either. I believe in cultures where male offspring are valued more highly, the grandchildren from the son are seen as more valuable, which I think points against any scientific reason to feel more bonded to the children of your female offspring. I've never seen it in real life. Myself and all my friends adore our son's children just the same as our daughter's.

Anecdotally I've also noticed that a lot of sons seem to be homebodies more than daughters. I'm lucky that both of mine have stayed local but a lot of my friends have sons living nearby but daughters have gone a bit further afield. Must be that girls are more adventurous and braver 😂💪 obviously this affects which set of grandchildren my friends see most, but not necessarily the bond.

The biological driver is apparantly based around degree of certainty that the child carries your genes. Of all the grandparents, only the maternal grandmother has 100% certainty she is genetically related to the child so can fully commit to investing her resources in the continuation of her own genes.
(Before you shout at me, I'm not saying it dictates or reflects behaviour in reality, just that that's the 'science'!)🙂

I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

A healthy mother/son relationship would mean that she accepted his choices and not being an asshole to his partner.

And it's only a red flag if you leave out the context.
He expects OP to have to make an effort with his mother who appears to have made it clear that she doesn't like for the crime of having children.

If a man ever expected me to put up with shit and bite my tongue and accept that I was less than good enough until I could win over his mother then I would definitely call him a mummys boy, it's pathetic.