My boyfriend said he'll always love his mum more than me

[christie57]

Today my partner said to me that he will always love his mum more than me. I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.

This feels like a massive deal breaker to me but I don't know if I'm overreacting as I have a strained relationship with my own family.

Obviously I don't want to come in between their relationship but I want to be his highest priority. I don't want to find myself settling down with a man who's always going to take his mother's side over mine.

In my previous relationship with my children's father. We always prioritised each other over our families so, this is very odd to me. Am I over reacting or do I just call it quits here?

Regardless of the topic, if your partner does something that feels like a dealbreaker for you, then why would you question whether it's a dealbreaker?

The fact that the two of you are seeing this as a love competition suggests a very immature relationship, and one you'd probably be best off out of.

I think you're the red flag here.

Hmm I don't think what he said was that strange given you were the one that prompted it. Unless you're in a very serious, long term relationship I wouldn't expect him to love you more than his mum, but if I were him I don't think I'd be saying I'll "always" love her more as that implies she'll always be the most important person in his life and a kind of codependent relationship. It sounds like both of you have quite unhealthy views on this.

If there are issues in your relationship, YWNBU unreasonable to break up. But I don't think you need to break up purely because he currently loves his mum more, this shouldn't have been something that needed discussing.

Why does it have to be a more or less situation? Love is not a finite pot.

So you were the person who was immature. You both need to grow up. And his mother might have a point in him not mature enough to be a step father.

Is there a cultural aspect to this OP? You started this to be fair. What stands out for me is you said "we always prioritise each other over family" why? How long have you dated?

If you start competitions off someone always end up crying OP.

Op

What age is he? I'll bet money he's in his thirties.

Quell Surprise his ex didn't get on with the mother either. Any guy that makes a statement like that should not be in a relationship with a women.
Seriously, Run now! You'll have no joy with this one.

Tell him you want a real man, he can go home and stay with his mammy!😂

“he told me he loved me and I said ‘you love your mum more’ “

Wow. So he told you he loved you and your first thought was to start an argument that demanded he choose who he loves more, his lover or his mum. A ridiculous false choice. Do you constantly pick your favourite child or do you love them both in different ways?

OP, you need to talk to a therapist about why that was your response to hearing “I love you”. It was a very nasty thing for you to say, but more importantly the only possible result of you saying that is an argument.

Your post title is misleading and yeah it’ll get you what you want: lots of replies telling you that he is the problem. But it’s clear from your update that you have issues that will sabotage this and all future relationships until you work through them with a trained professional.

I wish you luck.

Well it's a different kind of love isn't it?
If your dc say 'mum, who do you love more me or your dp?' Are you going to say you love the DP more?

He replied we should break it off as his ex didn't make effort with his mum and he's not having that situation again.

The common denominator is his mother and someone else's fault. I'd throw this one back, OP.

How old is he, OP? Is he an only child? And does his mother have a spouse/partner?

You both sound immature. The love between parent and a child is not the same as love between partners.

It's already over, op. It's so obvious no one should have to tell you that.

I think it’s all a bit tricky. And - saying you won’t make an effort with him mom - assigning it is pointless (on your side) isn’t a great thing to say.
You can only make an effort. She can chose to warm up to you or not.

You made the me Vs his mom thing here though. YOU compared his feelings for her Vs you. Completely unnecessarily.
What if he said - in response to your ILY - but you love your kids more than me….
because as a parent - surely you don’t prioritise your new bf over your kids?

Both of you may be not well suited, or a bit young if this is the level of communication and idealistic view of relationships you two have.

As to - your previous relationship and you then both prioritising each other over parents, etc. That relationship didn’t last. So not sure if drawing any conclusions from that will help you.

Regardless of who is right or wrong in this argument why is it that women can be close to their mum all their life but if a man is he's labelled a "mummy's boy"? Sounds like toxic masculinity

FUCK THAT

Its a different kind of love. Love isn't limited. He can still love you. You have a strained relationship with your family, you don't seem to like his mum, you are effectively saying he must choose you over her, when its really not a choice. You are anticipating arguments where he is expected to 'take your side'. Nah, this isn't a good relationship for either of you.

Sounds a bit like my ex, he'd say "you'll never understand our (his and his mother's) relationship because you're not a mom" always making me aware that I was second (sometimes third) best. When we'd go for a date he'd be glued to his phone texting his mom whilst ignoring me.

I do agree that it sounds like you may have started it however, he can't moan about your effort with his mother when she isn't putting in effort either, and, it's not nice to feel in competition. I'd leave tbh.

I'm in agreement here ^^^

Giving him the benefit over doubt, maybe he’s cautious because of previous relationships. Maybe ex’s didn’t get on with his mum for whatever reason (or is she the problem).

However, does this manifest in everyday life? Does he prioritise her over you? If she calls, does he go running, cancels things with you etc (apart from family emergencies)?

Also, how long have you been together?

(not sure why the font has changed).

I don't necessarily think he is comparing the two as if they are the same sort of love, but I potentially get where he is coming from in that my family are hugely important to me and I wouldn't pursue a relationship that I knew was going to be detrimental to my relationship with my family. If you have openly said there is no point in trying with her, it puts him a position of being caught in the middle and I'm afraid I agree with him, that particularly in a relationship where we weren't married with kids, I would see it as a red flag and walk away rather than risk damaging my relationship with my parents.

yuck. I would run, as fast as you can. This would turn me right off him.

Tbf to the OP, she didn't ask him to choose - she made a statement. She was able to make that statement because of how he's made her feel.

It's not unusual for someone to want their little family unit to be their partners highest priority.

That would make my fanny clang shut like a bear trap.

His mother will never like any woman. No one will be good enough for her little Prince.

Run. Run as fast as you fucking can.

Of course he is {Hopefully} going to love his mum...It was a bit silly to have said ''But you love your Mum more'', especially during a semi argument.