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Original poster

My boyfriend said he'll always love his mum more than me

154 replies

christie57 · 15/03/2023 12:19

Today my partner said to me that he will always love his mum more than me. I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.

This feels like a massive deal breaker to me but I don't know if I'm overreacting as I have a strained relationship with my own family.

Obviously I don't want to come in between their relationship but I want to be his highest priority. I don't want to find myself settling down with a man who's always going to take his mother's side over mine.

In my previous relationship with my children's father. We always prioritised each other over our families so, this is very odd to me. Am I over reacting or do I just call it quits here?

OP posts:
ijustneedanamefgs · 15/03/2023 13:40

You are definitely the issue not him. Why are you trying to come between him and his mum? Just because you don’t have a good relationship with your family. It’s not a competition. She’s his mum, it’s a different type of love and incomparable. You have children, you should know this.
I hate all the mummy’s boy nonsense. A son is allowed to love his parents in the same way a daughter does. It doesn’t make him weird. A woman’s parents are not more important etc. I thought we were trying to get away from all this.

His mum is right to have reservations about her son being in a relationship with someone who has children. Being a step parent is difficult. I would tell you to keep making an effort and in time she will see how yous make it work, but tbh for her and his sake I hope he runs a mile.

He didn’t tell you he loves his mum more, you told him that after telling him you weren’t going to make an effort. He didn’t dump you despite his mums concerns so I don’t really see your issue tbh. You are trying to drive a wedge and be his everything. If you were a man everyone would be screaming red flags.
Im glad he’s putting his family 1st as they will still be there for him when you are long gone.

DarceyG · 15/03/2023 13:41

christie57 · 15/03/2023 12:19

Today my partner said to me that he will always love his mum more than me. I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.

This feels like a massive deal breaker to me but I don't know if I'm overreacting as I have a strained relationship with my own family.

Obviously I don't want to come in between their relationship but I want to be his highest priority. I don't want to find myself settling down with a man who's always going to take his mother's side over mine.

In my previous relationship with my children's father. We always prioritised each other over our families so, this is very odd to me. Am I over reacting or do I just call it quits here?

Norman Bates... run!! far and fast.

category12 · 15/03/2023 13:42

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/03/2023 13:37

W H Y

Show quote history

Because they're arguing over his mother already.

And if you don't want to believe OP about the mother disliking her because she has kids, or a previous relationship he has had being disrupted by issues with his mother, then why believe any part of the thread? Very selective to home in on the who do you love most thing and ignore the rest of it.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 15/03/2023 13:43

Up the road, OP, and don’t look back, a lucky escape from the Bates Motel

roarfeckingroarr · 15/03/2023 13:45

As the mother of a two year old boy this is my absolute dream.

As an adult woman, I would run a mile.

SpringIntoChaos · 15/03/2023 13:50

He's clearly telling you that he will ALWAYS take her side, put her first, and ignore your wishes, whenever there is a clash between you and her.

I'd be packing his bags for him and sending him home to mummy.

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 15/03/2023 13:54

You said something stupid to get a reaction and you got one. Context really is everything.

However, if his ex had issues with mummy too, I’d definitely end it anyway as that’s just pointless stress for you all.

C152 · 15/03/2023 14:01

You are not overreacting and this is a dealbreaker.

I'm sorry OP, but from your update it sounds like this relationship is over already. And if it isn't, I would end it now and move on. No woman will ever be first to this man (except his mum).

Thesharkradar · 15/03/2023 14:07

His mother has him earmarked to be her carer and companion for the rest of her life she doesn't want any other women muscling in and getting the benefit of his time and effort, she raised him and now she owns him.
🚪🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️

Choconut · 15/03/2023 14:13

Mummies boys give me the enormous ick. They never ever make good partners IMO as they haven't yet grown up enough to become independent.

CuteCillian · 15/03/2023 14:27

I admire his honesty.
I agree with ijustneedanamefgs about different type of love. It sounds like you already feel threatened by his close relationship with his DM and that situation is unlikely to improve.

ProfessionalWeirdo · 15/03/2023 14:28

We always prioritised each other over our families
**
Also this is very odd. It shouldn't be a competition and it's not either/or.

Agreed - it shouldn't be. But my mother ALWAYS put her own mother first - and made it quite clear that she would expect me to do the same.

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 14:30

christie57 · 15/03/2023 12:29

Hiya, I was saying how there isn't much point me trying with her as she automatically doesn't like me because I have kids. He replied we should break it off as his ex didn't make effort with his mum and he's not having that situation again.

A few minutes later he told me he loved me and I said " you love your mum more" then that's what sparked it.

Show quote history

Of course he loves his mother more than a girlfriend. Why ask these stupid questions. Of course she isn’t delighted her son is going out with a woman who already has children, no one would be overjoyed about that. It’s a layer of added complication and hassle, no one WANTS more hassle for their child, they want them to have a nice, easy relationship. How long are you together? This sounds like you’ve gone off at 100mph.

Thisistyresome · 15/03/2023 14:37

Can't see this is worth the effort.

You were really weird to make the comparison to his mum. But the fact he seemed to entertain your odd thinking suggests you both have issues and are better off apart.

saraclara · 15/03/2023 14:44

“he told me he loved me and I said ‘you love your mum more’ “

Whyn on earth did you respond like that? You're OP is incredibly misleading.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 15/03/2023 14:45

Oh God, run run run run run

qazxc · 15/03/2023 14:47

Yanbu or over reacting. It is a giant red flag.

blacksax · 15/03/2023 14:49

Dump him, he's a twat.

Zola1 · 15/03/2023 14:53

This sounds unhealthy to put him in a position of who he loves more. Sort of a controlling type dynamic- I should always be more important than everybody else, no one else should come close to how much you care about me etc

LolaSmiles · 15/03/2023 15:00

Hiya, I was saying how there isn't much point me trying with her as she automatically doesn't like me because I have kids. He replied we should break it off as his ex didn't make effort with his mum and he's not having that situation again.

A few minutes later he told me he loved me and I said " you love your mum more" then that's what sparked it.
So you told your boyfriend you can't be bothered making an effort with his family, he said he's previously had a relationship where girlfriend/mother were in conflict and doesn't want it again and your response is to start an argument of who does he love more.

It sounds stupidly immature and you're better off being apart.

As a side note, it's absolutely depressing how many girlfriends/mothers seem to keep squabbling and doing the pick me dance. It's not a bloody competition.

gannett · 15/03/2023 15:31

Vivi0 · 15/03/2023 13:31

The weird MN contempt for men who have a good relationship with their mothers continues.

Every single one of you tossing off the phrase "mummy's boy" is part of the problem of toxic masculinity. There's nothing shameful about having a healthy, loving relationship with your mother.

But what about when it’s an unhealthy relationship.

The OP has said her partner’s mother doesn’t like her because she has children and as a result of this is difficult to get along with. Her partner also says his ex “didn’t make an effort to get along with his mum” either, and he won’t be having that situation again. I’m assuming his ex was met with the same dislike and difficulty by his mum.

Does this seem healthy to you?

Is it healthy to just demand and expect that your girlfriend make the effort to get along with your mum, even though your mum dislikes her and is making getting along difficult?

As someone who is NC with my mother I'm all too aware of toxic parental relationships!

But it was the OP who set up the weird comparison in the first place. I don't actually see any evidence of her boyfriend being overly enmeshed with his mother. Her whole "I want to be the highest priority" deal is kind of a red flag to me because it goes hand in hand with being controlling, and throwing a tantrum if you want to see your own friends and family sometimes.

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 16:42

If a partner of a year backed me into a corner in an argument and accused me of loving my parents 'more than' them, I'd probably snap back that yes, I do.

What id mean is that if that partner tried to make me choose between him and my parents, I'd choose my parents.

You effectively told him you weren't going to bother with his mum any more, and then tried to get him to choose between you.

That's really controlling.

fitnessmummy · 15/03/2023 16:46

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 16:42

If a partner of a year backed me into a corner in an argument and accused me of loving my parents 'more than' them, I'd probably snap back that yes, I do.

What id mean is that if that partner tried to make me choose between him and my parents, I'd choose my parents.

You effectively told him you weren't going to bother with his mum any more, and then tried to get him to choose between you.

That's really controlling.

Yes I agree. I think I'd be defensive too

5128gap · 15/03/2023 17:07

To be honest OP, in the context, you got what you deserved. Rightly or wrongly, he made his position clear regarding his family, but you had to push to get him to say you were the most important one. If he'd have said 'no, I love you more' I'm guessing you'd have followed that with something like 'so why don't you tell her to stop doing x,y or z' when he'd already been clear where he stood on that.
I'm not saying he's right or wrong, but its fairly obvious it was only going to go one way.
And yes, its a deal breaker. You'll not be happy with this man if you got issues with his family.

LolaSmiles · 15/03/2023 17:08

What id mean is that if that partner tried to make me choose between him and my parents, I'd choose my parents.

You effectively told him you weren't going to bother with his mum any more, and then tried to get him to choose between you.

That's really controlling.

Agreed. I'd find that sort of behaviour a red flag.

If any partner told me they weren't going to bother with my family anymore and
they expected me to not only suck up the inevitable ongoing conflict, and then make them the centre of my world, I'd pick my family.

You don't have to be best buddies with your in-laws, but it doesn't take much for partners to be civil with their partner's family.

Nobody would get to tell me that they won't make an effort with my parents and then demand to be the highest priority.

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