My boyfriend said he'll always love his mum more than me

[christie57]

Today my partner said to me that he will always love his mum more than me. I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.

This feels like a massive deal breaker to me but I don't know if I'm overreacting as I have a strained relationship with my own family.

Obviously I don't want to come in between their relationship but I want to be his highest priority. I don't want to find myself settling down with a man who's always going to take his mother's side over mine.

In my previous relationship with my children's father. We always prioritised each other over our families so, this is very odd to me. Am I over reacting or do I just call it quits here?

The weird MN contempt for men who have a good relationship with their mothers continues.

Every single one of you tossing off the phrase "mummy's boy" is part of the problem of toxic masculinity. There's nothing shameful about having a healthy, loving relationship with your mother.

It is definitely a weird red flag to openly compare yourself to your partner's mother. What the fuck is anyone meant to say to that? If a male friend told me his girlfriend had said that to him I'd be advising him to run.

I couldnt agree more with this and the responses would be totally different if the sexes were reversed.

We always prioritised each other over our families

Also this is very odd. It shouldn't be a competition and it's not either/or.

I say this as someone who is NC with my toxic family (and DP is low contact with his). If you've got normal families who love you why would you see THAT as a problem?

My ex was like this, used to tell his mother every private detail of our relationship. To her credit, his mum did tell him to grow up and get on with it though 🙂

How long have you been together? It's not the same kind of love obviously and a weird thing to say, but I think it's true in most cases. The only man I have loved as much as my Mum is DH. I certainly didn't love the ridiculous bfs I had in my younger years as much as her, and most of them I didn't love at all!
DS has had loads of gfs over the years and each one of them seemed to think they were 'the one'. They weren't and of course he didn't love them much in the scheme of things.
Most people will know their mum's all their life, but most romantic relationships don't last long at all.
Eventually lots of us do find a love that usurps Mum, but that doesn't nor should it apply to most dates flings hook ups or casual partnership's.

I do absolutely agree..
Just because a man loves his mum, it isn't always a ''Red flag'', and definitely doesn't make him a ''Mummy's boy''

{What do mothers of sons think? That when their son is grown that he'll stop loving them?}

I have noticed that men who have good relationships with their mothers tend to be equally respectful and considerate to their partners.

So you are the one making ridiculous comments not him.

This is a question that has too many variables to answer based on your OP. But this sentence did stand out: I don't want to find myself settling down with a man who's always going to take his mother's side over mine.

As a rule, Dh prioritising me (which yes, I mostly expect - specific circumstances aside) is not the same as him "taking sides" in most cases. I would expect him to back me if his mother, for example, slagged me off, told me I was a bitch, was trying to convince the Dc I was a bad mother etc. But if we have a disagreement, I wouldn't expect him to pick sides either way.

So it might well be that your expectations are unreasonable. Or that your potential MIL is a horrible cow. Or that you are. Impossible to tell at this point.

I'd also say that assuming this is a relatively new relationship, he's well within his rights to feel that someone who doesn't get on with his mother is not someone he wants to get serious with. A core part of what attracted DH and I to each other was similar attitudes to family.

Those jumping on the OP - when you read -
I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.
does that not seem problematic to you?

The OP's potential MIL dislikes her because she has children, yet she's the weirdo ?

It's a different kind of love. Provided he was brought up in a stable loving home the love a man has for his mum is the first unconditional love he experiences in life. It's not necessarily a 'more than' type of love. Just a different kind that's all. I really wouldn't be taking this so literally.

This!
100 % this!

I completely agree with this. DH has a great relationship with his mum and I hope I will have a great relationship with DS when he's older. I can't imagine a day where he doesn't run into my arms but I also know that day will come (he's only 6).
I'll respect his relationships in the future and I'd also hope that any future partner he has won't try and stop us having a relationship.

That said, this particular mother sounds judgemental and I'd worry that her dislike of OP would ultimately ruin any relationship with the partner anyways.

The thing with the op though is she completely over exaggerated what her dp said so I will be taking with a pinch of salt how bad she says her partners mum is judging her or dislikes her .

Hmm if feels like YOU are the one putting yourself in competition with his mum. I wonder if she does dislike you. Or you just aren’t happy that she means a lot to your dp.

I love my Dp. I love my partner in completely different ways. It’s hard to say ‘I love X more’. But to be honest, when it comes down to it Dad probably does mean more to me.

You started this line of conversation. What was his answer going to be. He made it clear where he stands. He doesn’t want to be together if you don’t make the effort. So he wasn’t going to say ‘yes I love you more’ because that implies he is going back on what he said.

It was also during a bit of an argument.

Putting yourself in a situation where you are competing with someone’s family member, often means you might hear something you don’t want to. If you didn’t want a response, why say it?

Honestly end it. You have beautiful children who don’t deserve anyone’s disapproval and neither do you let him crack on with his mum so to speak.

EWWWW🤢
Sounds like an unhealthy lack of boundaries between him and his mother, and/or he is trying to make you compete with his mother for his affections
Either way
EWWWW🤢

Context is key.
In this context- ruuuuuun.
He has told you 'I don't care if she is treating you badly, I won't protect you. And I'll put it under a guise of loving my mother. But actually I'm just a pussy/prick who doesn't care about your feelings and so won't stand up for you'.

The weird MN contempt for men who have a good relationship with their mothers continues.

Every single one of you tossing off the phrase "mummy's boy" is part of the problem of toxic masculinity. There's nothing shameful about having a healthy, loving relationship with your mother.

But what about when it’s an unhealthy relationship.

The OP has said her partner’s mother doesn’t like her because she has children and as a result of this is difficult to get along with. Her partner also says his ex “didn’t make an effort to get along with his mum” either, and he won’t be having that situation again. I’m assuming his ex was met with the same dislike and difficulty by his mum.

Does this seem healthy to you?

Is it healthy to just demand and expect that your girlfriend make the effort to get along with your mum, even though your mum dislikes her and is making getting along difficult?

How long have you been dating? 6 months and his mum has concerns because his new girlfriend has children and she is fully aware if it gets serious it's a more complicated long term relationship than a woman without children is totally different to if you've been dating for 5 years, have a stable and happy relationship and have worked through any complexities that come with him being a defacto step dad to your DC.

I want to be his highest priority.

😂😂😂

A few minutes later he told me he loved me and I said " you love your mum more" then that's what sparked it.

^ sounds like you had a tantrum and backed him into a corner. It's obviously a different kind of love. But who keeps score?

That would make my fanny clang shut like a bear trap.

God, I hate this phrase - and all the MN variations of it - so much. It's so crass and unfunny

R U N

W H Y

Same. What a weird response from you, OP.