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Original poster

My boyfriend said he'll always love his mum more than me

154 replies

christie57 · 15/03/2023 12:19

Today my partner said to me that he will always love his mum more than me. I'm having issues getting on with her as she doesn't like that I have children from a previous relationship and has been rather judgmental.

This feels like a massive deal breaker to me but I don't know if I'm overreacting as I have a strained relationship with my own family.

Obviously I don't want to come in between their relationship but I want to be his highest priority. I don't want to find myself settling down with a man who's always going to take his mother's side over mine.

In my previous relationship with my children's father. We always prioritised each other over our families so, this is very odd to me. Am I over reacting or do I just call it quits here?

OP posts:
24KaratCucumber · 15/03/2023 17:09

Your mum is your mum for ever.
Partners are partners till they ain't.

heyjessio · 15/03/2023 17:10

He can ask her to give him a bj then

Back2front · 15/03/2023 17:10

Different types of love. Can't compare. You sound insecure.

AviMav · 15/03/2023 17:19

heyjessio · 15/03/2023 17:10

He can ask her to give him a bj then

Disgusting. OP hasn't stated how long she has dated this man but her kids are not even his for a start and she's has some odd views about sacrificing their sides of family for each other. WTH

itsabigtree · 15/03/2023 17:26

Fuck that.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/03/2023 17:27

WouldYouBuy · 15/03/2023 12:22

Run screaming for the hills, imo.

Agree.

There are about 4 bilion other men on the planet.

5128gap · 15/03/2023 17:27

gannett · 15/03/2023 13:10

The weird MN contempt for men who have a good relationship with their mothers continues.

Every single one of you tossing off the phrase "mummy's boy" is part of the problem of toxic masculinity. There's nothing shameful about having a healthy, loving relationship with your mother.

It is definitely a weird red flag to openly compare yourself to your partner's mother. What the fuck is anyone meant to say to that? If a male friend told me his girlfriend had said that to him I'd be advising him to run.

I agree with this. The most decent men I know have strong relationships with their families. Any man who would immediately kick his formerly close family to the curb on the say so of a partner would be a huge red flag to me, indicating someone shallow, suggestible and weak. All very well when they're following your own directions, not so great when they fall under the next passing influence.

helpfulperson · 15/03/2023 17:36

A number of people on another thread said they loved their dog more than their partner

WishIdDoneItYearsAgo · 15/03/2023 17:45

I think MN gets weird when it’s a mother and son in a way it doesn’t when it’s another and daughter.

I once read a post on here from a women who had two grown up sons and a grown up daughter. She was already a grandmother via her sons but was ridiculously excited about her daughter having a baby. She said it’s different when it’s your daughter. Worse was that so many other posters agreed. As the mum of two young adult sons and a teen daughter, the idea that I’d be more exited at my daughter getting married or having a baby than my sons doing the same just seems so odd to me.

WishIdDoneItYearsAgo · 15/03/2023 17:45

mother and daughter

daimtheman · 15/03/2023 17:57

I think it's a strange thing to say but you did kind of force him tbh.

He might be right in that if you can't get on with his mum then the relationship might not be viable.

Just look at all the threads on here where there's resentment for years and years.

What he does need to look at for the sake of any future relationship is what role him and his mum are having in this.

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 18:00

WishIdDoneItYearsAgo · 15/03/2023 17:45

I think MN gets weird when it’s a mother and son in a way it doesn’t when it’s another and daughter.

I once read a post on here from a women who had two grown up sons and a grown up daughter. She was already a grandmother via her sons but was ridiculously excited about her daughter having a baby. She said it’s different when it’s your daughter. Worse was that so many other posters agreed. As the mum of two young adult sons and a teen daughter, the idea that I’d be more exited at my daughter getting married or having a baby than my sons doing the same just seems so odd to me.

It’s not weird at all. Your son is not going to go through pregnancy and birth the way your daughter will. It can be a uniquely bonding time to see the person you grew in your body growing a baby in their’s. It’s a primal thing. And 9/10 the mother of the new baby is closer to her own family naturally.

AaaaaandBreathe · 15/03/2023 18:01

Sounds as though you made that statement (which was wrong on your part btw) possibly because he hasn't spoken to his Mum about how she judges/treats you? He hasn't tried to resolve anything or reassure you.

They are two different kinds of love and you should never make someone choose, but I also understand how him 'not having your back' would make you feel.

He can still love his Mum while being able to pull her on unacceptable behaviour - just as he did you when you said there was no point in making an effort.

@christie57 it doesn't sound good overall and I would not want my children round someone who treated me/us badly because they are not the fruit of her sons loins.

I don't see why you should be the only one to make an effort and it's likely the last GF felt the same.

worried4698643 · 15/03/2023 18:07

This would give me instant ick. You are setting yourself up for an utter miserable life, being 2nd best all the time.

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 18:13

It’s not weird at all. Your son is not going to go through pregnancy and birth the way your daughter will. It can be a uniquely bonding time to see the person you grew in your body growing a baby in their’s. It’s a primal thing. And 9/10 the mother of the new baby is closer to her own family naturally.

@Eyerollcentral I'm guessing you haven't actually got grandchildren through a son and a daughter? I have, and I can guarantee you love both the same. And 😂 to my daughter's pregnancy being a 'uniquely bonding' experience. She was sick and grumpy pretty much the whole time. It was of course amazing, but so was my DDIL's pregnancy, and we celebrated both the same.

I adore my grandchildren and love my children in law. If they had tried to get my DD or my DS to choose between them and me, I'd find it really odd....

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 18:17

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 18:13

It’s not weird at all. Your son is not going to go through pregnancy and birth the way your daughter will. It can be a uniquely bonding time to see the person you grew in your body growing a baby in their’s. It’s a primal thing. And 9/10 the mother of the new baby is closer to her own family naturally.

@Eyerollcentral I'm guessing you haven't actually got grandchildren through a son and a daughter? I have, and I can guarantee you love both the same. And 😂 to my daughter's pregnancy being a 'uniquely bonding' experience. She was sick and grumpy pretty much the whole time. It was of course amazing, but so was my DDIL's pregnancy, and we celebrated both the same.

I adore my grandchildren and love my children in law. If they had tried to get my DD or my DS to choose between them and me, I'd find it really odd....

I said ‘can be a uniquely bonding’ experience. I didn’t say you wouldn’t love both children the same? Who said anything about anyone choosing between people? Bizarre take on what I said.

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 18:19

@Eyerollcentral the whole post is about OP accusing her DP of loving his mum 'more than her'. That's what I was referring to... the idea that you need to love your mum or your partner 'more'

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 18:21

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 18:19

@Eyerollcentral the whole post is about OP accusing her DP of loving his mum 'more than her'. That's what I was referring to... the idea that you need to love your mum or your partner 'more'

I hadn’t mentioned any of that in my post though. Any way the love you have for your parent is a completely different kind of love than you have for a partner. The whole question by the OP is deeply silly.

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 18:24

And I stand by my point that my DD's becoming a mother wasn't any more 'uniquely bonding' than watching my son become a father.

My DD didn't love her pregnancy. I didn't get to watch her bloom and join in frolicking through wild flowers joyously. I listened to her moan a lot for 9 months. Now I get to be grandma to her gorgeous children, but the same is true of my son.

We are all really close but my daughter and I don't share a unique bond just because we both happened to give birth. It's based on many different things, as is the bond I share with my son.

frozendaisy · 15/03/2023 18:24

If you are never going to be his first queen then leave him with his mum.

If you and his mum getting on is important to him and you just don't then there isn't much you can do about that.

You tried
It won't work.

Let his mum cuddle him to sleep at night if need be!

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 18:25

I hadn’t mentioned any of that in my post though. Any way the love you have for your parent is a completely different kind of love than you have for a partner. The whole question by the OP is deeply silly.

@Eyerollcentral well I agree with you there

WishIdDoneItYearsAgo · 15/03/2023 18:29

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 18:00

It’s not weird at all. Your son is not going to go through pregnancy and birth the way your daughter will. It can be a uniquely bonding time to see the person you grew in your body growing a baby in their’s. It’s a primal thing. And 9/10 the mother of the new baby is closer to her own family naturally.

Show quote history

Sorry but I disagree. I gave birth to my sons too and hopefully, one day they’ll become parents too and I cannot ever imagine a time where I’d feel closer to DD’s children than I would either of my sons’.

I’m not closer to my daughter than my sons at all and I cannot imagine that changing or having a desire to live closer to her if anything like that. It just seems odd to me. I don’t feel any ‘primal’ longing for her to be a parent over either of them either. Nor would I ever say ‘if only one gets married I hope it’s her.’ Mother of the bride/mother of the groom all seems the same to me. It’s not that I expect any future DIL to be closer to me than to her own family; of course not. It’s just that I don’t expect to feel different about the children of my own children.

5128gap · 15/03/2023 18:32

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 18:00

It’s not weird at all. Your son is not going to go through pregnancy and birth the way your daughter will. It can be a uniquely bonding time to see the person you grew in your body growing a baby in their’s. It’s a primal thing. And 9/10 the mother of the new baby is closer to her own family naturally.

Show quote history

You've even carried part of your daughter's child in your own body. Its a different bond.

Holly60 · 15/03/2023 18:38

You've even carried part of your daughter's child in your own body. Its a different bond

@5128gap again I suspect you don't have grandchildren from both a son and a daughter.

I can promise you, you don't love one set of grandchildren more than the other. And if you do I suspect it says more about you as a person than anything else.

strawberry2017 · 15/03/2023 18:49

So you prompt it but then you don't like his response.
Maybe you are the problem, are you instantly putting barriers up because you assume mothers won't like you because you already have kids.
Mother son love is completely different to relationship love.
If he said to you "you love your kids more then me" then I would assume your answer would be yes but it doesn't mean you don't love him.
Its ok that he loves his mum. It's ok for him to have a good relationship with her.