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Original poster

Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

355 replies

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:04

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

OP posts:
TheABC · 14/03/2023 23:17

Hang on - he's doing less exercise than you are!
What would happen if you turned that argument on it's head?

I do agree with the poster who said you need to find a form of exercise you enjoy; it works wonders for your mental health. However, having someone nitpick and nag at you for what you eat is the complete opposite. He doesn't get to dictate what goes in your mouth. And as others are saying, the reactions are abusive.

Warn him that this obsession with your weight will kill your marriage. Because if you are walking on eggshells around mealtimes with your partner, it's halfway to being over. No one deserves to live like that, with someone who is supposed to love you.

MajesticWhine · 14/03/2023 23:17

You shouldn't have to live like this. Tell him to cut this out straight away. It's not helping and it's making you feel worse and you need to make clear you're not putting up with it. He needs to accept you and love you for who you are or the marriage is dead.
You can make changes if / when you are ready, for yourself, without pressure and hassle and childish sulking.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/03/2023 23:17

You've told him how you feel and he actually doesn't care and hasn't listened and changed his behaviour.

Do you want to stay with someone who sulks like a baby to punish you for not going a walk??

I get size 18 is overweight but 1. It's not an immediate high risk in itself (as in if you went to the doctors they would tell you to lose weight, not refer you for surgery or blue light you to hospital) so he is clearly doing this for aesthetic reasons rather than just health 2. Losing weight is more diet than exercise

I think you sit down and tell him that punishing you and controlling your behaviour is unacceptable even if it's coming from a good place. That you will no longer put up with it and every time he makes a comment about your exercise you will (do whatever will piss him off most, on the basis that pettiness seems to be his language). but that if he carries on with this behaviour you will eventually leave him. Also I hope he is doing more than his fair share of running around after the kids to give you time to work on your health

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2023 23:18

He's a pig.

You can lose that weight quite easily.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2023 23:18

This reply has been deleted

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No no it's 'I've lost 6st so now I'm better than all of you'

Come on @TicketBoo23 keep up Lardy arse!!

Nat6999 · 14/03/2023 23:18

I lost 21st in 24 hours, I LTB, if anyone was pushing me to exercise would make me more determined that I wouldn't do it.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2023 23:19

Ps @TicketBoo23 I don't really think you're a Lardy arse.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 23:22

This reply has been deleted

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CheshireCats · 14/03/2023 23:24

He is a controlling twat. Ltb

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/03/2023 23:25

MelloYellow · 14/03/2023 21:07

And what does mr perfect himself look like?!?
ask him if he can grow his Willy a bit longer and tut every time you see it.

seriously though OP this is abuse and bullying
there’s gentle encouragement then there’s this!
so sorry xx

This. This is domestic abuse, OP. Contact women's Aid. They are amazing .

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 23:25

He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels

This stands out to me.

This isn't something he started after you went up a size, it's something he's always done/how he's always acted but had gotten worse because you've gone up a size.

Which means he's always been abusive to some extent and you put up with it because of youth and whatever else.

ilovesushi · 14/03/2023 23:25

He sounds awful. His behaviour is totally unacceptable and controlling. Eat what you want and exercise when you want.

WilsonMilson · 14/03/2023 23:26

You shouldn’t have to live like that. It’s plain nasty, it’s abusive and it‘s probably also counter productive.

I couldn’t stay in a dynamic like that.

TrinaLowsln · 14/03/2023 23:28

Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:34

Also eating butter on toast will lead to being fat of course! I haven’t done that in about 20 years! And you sneak it whilst he’s at work?! Why don’t you opt for half a gluten free low carb toast with half avacado and poached egg? That’s my daily go to. Then a protein salad lunch and protein veg stirfry. Alcohol once a week maximum ideally vodka and limit the sugar, loads of water and walk fast minimum 1hr a day (that’s still only 7000 steps approx!)

All that healthy eating clearly hasn't improved your ability to spell "avocado".

Gluten free bread tastes like cardboard and sadness.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2023 23:29

Gluten free bread tastes like cardboard and sadness

😂

Duckingella · 14/03/2023 23:30

You have to love the misogyny on here from women to other women.

Why are so many people on this thread so keen to explain away this man's awful behaviour.

There's a clear line between being supportive and encouraging your partner to look after their health and being an abuser.

It is not normal or okay to have your partner living in fear of you because they haven't complied with your demands of them.

The OP is being bullied and abused in her own home by the man who's supposed to love and support her.

There's a saying frequently used on here and that's the only level of abuse in a relationship that is acceptable is none.

smileladiesplease · 14/03/2023 23:31

Honestly I don't think I have ever said LTB on here before but LTB or Chuck him out.
He sounds utterly vile

Bergan · 14/03/2023 23:32

He is being abusive OP, it’s not his choice about when you should exercise and what you should eat, believe me, if you lost the weight he would just complain about something else. At first he will say get down to a size 14, then it will be a 12, then a 10 and so on.

His choice of words and how he is making you feel is not good for you and it certainly doesn’t show a good example to your children whether they are male or female.

Oh and if you like a bacon butty have one, even with butter on it, because sane people on here even dieticians will know we can all have a bacon butty with a butter on the bread every now and again.

BlueSeaWave · 14/03/2023 23:33

Hobbes8 · 14/03/2023 21:07

Gosh. What a cunt.

This basically. Its not normal in any way. Does he control other parts of your life as well?
i promise you this isn’t loving behaviour

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 14/03/2023 23:34

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:04

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

What a control freak OP, get rid of him you will be much happier.

smileladiesplease · 14/03/2023 23:34

Prochoice11

You might live longer and it will certainly feel like it. Christ how fucking sad.

HamishHero · 14/03/2023 23:35

I think he sounds like a vile person and hope he brings you joy in some other way. If not, then please take pp advice.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 14/03/2023 23:38

DevantMaJardin · 14/03/2023 21:12

He's being a dick but only you will know if it's coming from a place of genuine concern or if he's a controlling arse. Has he got to this point because you are very reluctant to exercise?

For example, the swimming incident above, did you really just sack off excercising for a whole week because you forgot your bank card that one day? Most responsible adults don't need that level of pushing to go out and exercise regularly and it's part of staying healthy, so I think there are two sides to this.

So he controls lots of other things in their relationship, do you find that acceptable?

Hadjab · 14/03/2023 23:40

Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:56

No I’m one person and sober. Trying to help as someone who’s been in the OPs shoes. You would all love it if I said go order a pizza and rub it in his face but that won’t help the OP at all. And I speak from experience. We all love the under dogs here but I’m all about helping women realise their bed potential after my own experience and realising they can do it alone or meet better. Upto you listen to the fat club who would happily post you some chocolate to ‘help’ or do some inner work, get fit healthy and smash 2023 x

Show quote history

Bed potential???

Good Lord

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/03/2023 23:41

How do you live with that level of highly critical scrutiny and monitoring? It sounds awful. And yet you are not allowed to tell him to stop because that causes more rows.
He is naturally slim ( hasn't given birth twice for one thing) so it means that he can win every battle in these exercise wars.
Yet Part of the reasons that you cannot always exercise is work, afterschool pick ups and drop offs and running the household, yet you are always in the wrong.
What does he do to help make time for you to do this? Is this what he calls "encouragement" I can't think of anything more discouraging.
What message is he sending your children, hearing a relentless daily barrage of weight-related criticism?
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't really know what to suggest to get him to stop.