Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

[Talktalk33]

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

What would I do? Tell him to go f*ck himself and exercise himself out the door no can’t believe what I’m reading. To have concern for your health, coming from a place of love and caring is one thing. To be manipulative and controlling to the point of coercive control, is entirely another.

It’s not often I’d think or say this, but the only weight you need rid of his him. Don’t spend years of your life trying to make him happy with how you look. F*ck that! I almost called him a C word but I’ve already f’ed twice so decided against it 🙈😬

I agree with previous posters that you have to separate out the issue of your health and the issue of his treatment of you.

Him being right about it being healthier to be fitter and eat well doesn't justify his treatment of you. (Though also, his idea of what "counts" as exercise isn't necessarily right, either). His concern for your you and your kids doesn't seem to extend to your mental health. His treatment of you is hurting your health and your kids witnessing his attitude to you and, especially your weight, is going to be bad for them. Not to mention the damage their seeing him abuse you does.

He is destroying your confidence, so tackle this now before it is gone entirely. You've posted here because you realised it isn't right. Try and build on that. If you find it too much to take in that you are in an abusive relationship, start with counseling for yourself and work out an action plan.

HE has probably contributed to the weight you have put on! Get rid of him. Controlling bastard by the sounds of it

i reckon he just want a slim wife not healty one

if you ate crap but were a size 8 he wouldnt say a word

I feel for you, his controlling and selfish behaviour is not acceptable at all. He is showing you that he can’t empathise with how YOU feel. It’s all about his wants. Seriously, I would ditch the gym membership and find a qualified counsellor to discuss your options as this is no way to live.

This would drive me nuts. Unfortunately you have very different approaches, you favour a reward, he favours a threat. Rather than telling him his 'advice' feels like bullying, explain how much more you are motivated by a reward. The reward could be something as simple as some words of encouragement.
Another suggestion might be to ask him to 'butt out' for a month. I bet he's of the opinion that without him reminding you of the awful consequences of 'becoming massive ' you'll duck out. Give it a month and see what the weight loss is. If it's slow but sure you're more likely to keep it off. Agree that if you haven't lost say 5lbs (aim for 7, tell him 5) you'll let him be you PT for a month.

At the risk of coming across as 'mansplaining'....a mile a day is hardly anything so I'm assuming you're pretty unfit but you've got to start somewhere. Are you actually losing any weight, or are you getting bigger? I'd suggest you need to reduce your calorie intake. I eat a reasonable diet....I just eat two! Have a look at something like Carbs &Cals to get an idea of portion sizes. I would regularly wolf a bag of microwave rice. That's actually 2 portions. Also make sure you're staying hydrated. It's easy to confusevm hunger with thirst.

Finally there's shock tactics. Tell him being with him is damaging your self esteem and as much as he says he lwants what best fir you you're not sure if you really live each other and want to do it on your own.....it does sound pretty miserable.....but you need to be prepared to follow through.

He's obviously concerned about your weight but doesn't know how to have a frank conversation about it.

I don't believe he's the devil's spawn.

Its really sad that you aren’t evening questioning his totally emotional abusive behaviour!
What a horrid git!

I honestly dont know how you can love a person who treats you like this 😕.

I agree.

I frequent a fitness forum and "get healthy/get healthy together" is the standard bs line some men now say to avoid anything less PC. It's used a lot in general.

I don't know why he got into a relationship with and married a size 12-14 woman (esp. when most ppl tend to get heavier as they age); only to torture her.

Was he too dumb to figure that out?

Is he the "I like a bit of something to hang onto " type (12-14), but not heavier than that. So op has to maintain her weight at 12-14 her entire life or he's behaving like this?

10k steps is just a made up number though

Tell him to fuck off and stop bullying you, hateful POS!!

He's a fucking weirdo.

You are fine.

@Prochoice11 shut up

You can shut up too with your eye rolling.

Is he an absolute godlike physical specimen of a man? Would he be offended if you told him you are disappointed be doesn’t have a six pack?

Also there is a very easy way you could lose a significant amount of weight (by getting rid of him if that wasn’t clear).

He is being a nasty horrible abusive bully:

1. he picks on you about your size
2. he criticises you constantly to damage your self esteem
3. he tries to dictate and control your behaviour
4. he gives you the silent treatment when you don’t do as he wants (seriously never mind him being disappointed by you, I’m sure you must be disappointed to have found out your OH is a such a ridiculous child)
5. he treats you with no respect or dignity

Mate, he's a cunt.

And for someone apparently obsessed with health, he doesn't give a shit about your mental health.

And you say he claims he's concerned about modelling a healthy lifestyle to the children. Yet he's modelling an incredibly unhealthy, abusive relationship model to them and the longer you stay together the more likely they are to replicate that dynamic themselves as adults.

The only thing worse than being with a bully for as long as you have is being with them for any longer than you have already.

I strongly suspect your health, both physical and mental, would greatly improve without someone making you feel shit about yourself all the time.

Life is simply too short to spend it being bullied in your own home and showing your children that it's acceptable for a man to bully his partner and strip her of her self confidence.

Lol bin him OP. Who does he think he is?

Irony is I bet without being constantly watched and constant stress it would fall off.

Regularsizedrudy
Can anyone else smell socks in here?

Yes, definitely. I thought that couple of pages back

Hhhhhmmmmm.
I think you're exaggerating.
I'm must be abusive too because I try to encourage my husband and absolutely nothing I do will change his ways.
Drives me crazy and maybe I'm superficial but I like men who carry less weight.
I love my husband but I don't love his belly and there's nothing I can do about it so I just have to accept him getting bigger each year.
I still talk to him though 😊

Looks like there's another one just turned up!

this man isnt bothered about your health. nooone needs to be treated like this. you need to tell him to stop and alot of what he is saying is actually diet culture bullshit.
you can be the size you are and perfectly healthy. if you are moving and eating balanced meals then yes you can be health who.fucking.new.
where you weight is now might be it current set point. there is sooooooo much more to health than the size of your clothing or weight. if you are do health beahviours then you are and can be healthy
what isnt is constantly making you feel like shit.
aligning your worth and acceptabiltiy to your weight
closing you down shaming you over weight
this isnt about health then,its about size weight looks asthetics and its utter curel intentioned bullshit.
if he was bothered about your helath he would want to be kind to you.make sure your getting enough sleep.do you feel good about yourself.hows work.life.job.hows the exercise going. are you enjoying it.exercise shouldnt be aa forced thing or as part of treatment and it should eqaute to what you feel guilt,y over. it shouldnt eqaute over whether yo have a good day or bad or can eat or not.
your size is not your worth.
and actually with his bullying what he likely to do is push you into a binge restrict cyce
also with kids at home he will give them eating disorders or certainly disordered food and weight and looks views.and make them feel as shit as you.
treat are bullshit. you cna have a balance diet and have all foods.restricted one will just make jusgemnt and hssme and wont help keep the family in balanced health.
go out and buy the foods you want.he does not get to control your intake like that.
and i would leave a man who made me feel like this and ecourage anyone else to do so.
hes an aboslute mean shithead.
and his views on food and health are actually the unhealthy ones here.

What a truly awful man @Talktalk33 . So sorry you are dealing with this. It is abusive and I suggest you get out to preserve yourself. 🌺

He probably is fearing losing attraction to you and is feeling tempted by other thinner women. He probably equates you losing the weight to saving the marriage and saving him from cheating on you so when you don't go swimming just that once due to a mistake, his crazy reaction is more because he is equating it to nothing changing, you don't take your looks seriously and therefore the marriage will fail and he will cheat.. he is probably thinking like this. There is an element of trying to look hot for your partner because it does affect the bedroom but the way he gives you the silent treatment is very dickish, abusive possibly.

If you were a size 12 or 14 and had bacon every sunday I don't think it's health he's worried about, I think it's sexual attraction and trying to still be loyal and attracted to you.

Even though he is being a dick, I honestly know that you will feel so much better if you exercised and lost weight so use this for your benefit. Don't try and rebel by being unhealthy because you will only end up harming yourself.

If you don't want to exercise you need to tell him to back off. He could be trying to support you rather than dictate but you need to tell him you don't want that. If he continues then you need to question if you are compatible.

He sounds deflating. He is not kind.
Do you feel over weight?
If you do, walk for yourself, eat no junk food - for yourself,
Engage in any activiy that you enjoy - for yourself.
Stick to a routine that uplifts your spirit - for yourself.
Become trim, fit and happy and walk away from the controlling person, if you want to, for your own self worth..