Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

[Talktalk33]

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

He’s abusive and controlling. I’d consider leaving tbh.

@LoatheOfBread

Don't try and rebel by being unhealthy because you will only end up harming yourself.

Not doing exactly what your partner wants isn't 'rebelling' ffs, it's being an adult with bodily autonomy. Her partner isn't a dictator who gets to make decisions by default and she isn't a subject who either does as she's told or is a 'rebel'.

You need to leave that man now as it's not gonna get any better.

First of all I would well and truely tell him to do one! Let him have 2 children and see how he fares! As he can't why not chose something you don't like about him - maybe big feet, crooked nose, just something and comment on it every single day and how is he going to improve/change it and see how he likes that!!!

@CandyLeBonBon I don't think it's right or reasonable but there are men who think this way. I don't think it's about concern for her health my theory is that he's worried he's going to cheat on her because he's losing attraction. Yes, it's a sick way to think but it's surprising how many men think like this: my wife gained weight, she's not like she used to be in bed, I've tried helping her, she doesn't do anything about it..... and so I'll find someone slim to cheat with'. Don't shoot the messenger!

What a prince.

Its not you, its him. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

This relationship is over because he is now using exercising as a means of coercively controlling you. He is also no decent example of a father to his children because he is abusing you as their mother.

Its one thing having a supportive partner who encourages you, but he seems obsessed!

Has he got his own issues with food or his weight? I'm wondering if this is being projected on to you?

Whatever the reason, he does not get to say how you live your life and that includes your eating and exercise.

I used rebelling to mean purposefully gaining weight and intentionally overeating and avoiding exercise to spite him not to mean carry on as she wishes and ignore him. it's going actively opposite everything he says even when what he says is sensible and in her best interest. It's not about 'doing exactly what he says', it's about doing what is best for her. I'm not sure it's positive adult body autonomy if you're harming yourself because someone got under your skin or damaging yourself to prove a point.
Just because we don't like how he is saying it it doesn't make it untrue or wrong or completely value-less suggestions it's the way he says it but it is still beneficial to exercise daily.

I’ve only read your posts OP. And not PPs.

He’s being cruel and abusive and there is a real lack of compassion in him for you which is concerning.

can I recommend this podcast to you?

Dr Rangan Chatterjee

He’s abusive

please try and find the courage to leave

You could really make this work to your advantage. If he really wants you to exercise then tell him to look after the children while you go to the gym. Find a nice gym with a sauna and jacuzzi too so 3/4 times a week go to the gym have a great work out and relax in the sauna and jacuzzi afterwards. He can then be looking after the children while you're doing this. If he's not happy with this arrangement then tell him to f off, coz how can you look after children do all the chores and find time to exercise. If he wants you to exercise he has to pull his weight around the house and kids so you have time to be able to do it.

People don't put on a load of weight or overeat to 'spite' people. Are you stupid?

ASSUMING the OP is overeating and gaining weight (which may or may not be the case, we don't know whether she has stabilised at size 16/18 or not, or what factors may be at play apart from food e.g. hormone regulation due to childbirth/lack of sleep/perimenopause affecting metabolism etc) then that could be for a host of physical or psychological reasons which will have nothing to do with 'spiting' her DP. People don't hurt themselves to hurt other people, that is a totally solipsistic and 2 dimensional reading of the behaviour. My dad was one of those people who tried to bully me into losing weight when I was a chubby teen; the result was that I ate even more and began binge-eating secretly, not to 'spite' him but because food was my comfort and the more I felt attacked and unloved the more comfort I needed. The OP's DP's behaviour is utterly counterproductive, not because she will want to 'rebel' against him (ffs) but because it is incredibly damaging for her self esteem and sense of safety, and people with low self-worth and high stress levels tend to make unhealthy choices for themselves to self-soothe.

Contrary to what you and the DP seem to think, not every single thing we women do is about what some man thinks and feels.

Well you've made an excellent argument for her leaving the bastard, I'll give you that.

I don't think it's right but I know some men think like this. The way his reaction is so out of proportion made me suspect he's one of them. I don't condone his behaviour or this way of thinking.

Tell him that exercise makes you hungry and remind him that weight loss is 80% diet 20% exercise.. then leave him.

I'm afraid there are some people out there who simply don't love their partner unless they are looking smoking hot in the sense that others will think what a lucky devil they are. They may think they love them but the love comes with 'conditions' - (of remaining slim and hot) - this gets harder and harder with age and life. I think we have to think how these people would be if you were suddenly ill and needed steroids or surgery , stuff that totally changed appearance or lifestyle. I can also see how it's very easy to be two faced- I'm a fair bit overweight (and doing something about it purely because of health issues) but I am not attracted to hugely overweight men if I'm honest. The big difference is when my H has been a couple of stone overweight I've been encouraging , changed our diet somewhat and complimentary and I don't mention the weight unless he does.

I’m a size 16/18 and I’ve got perfect blood pressure, high muscle mass, above average Vo2 max, perfect blood sugar, ideal resting heart rate, no health conditions and I’m rarely ill. Health isn’t just about dress size.

We all know that some men think like that.

But you suggested she give in to it instead of choosing to (as you oddly described it) 'rebel' against it!

That is what people took issue with in your post.

@LoatheOfBread

I used rebelling to mean purposefully gaining weight and intentionally overeating and avoiding exercise to spite him not to mean carry on as she wishes and ignore him.

This is so far removed from what OP has said that it's completely bizarre.

You aren't engaging with the reality of OP's situation, you're just finding ways to excuse or justify her partner's behaviour.

I'm not sure why but it's unhelpful.

It does usually catch up with you though. It's perfectly possible, especially when you are young, to be obese and for it not to affect your health. In the long term though it is damaging for your joints etc to carry around extra weight and having fat surrounding your organs is quite dangerous in the long run. I am sure all your test results are great, but being heavy means you put your body under unnecessary strain.

I think what @LoatheOfBread is saying to the OP is that he isn't doing this because he is concerned about her health, he is doing it for personal vanity reasons. I don't think she is justifying it at all, quite the opposite.

@Snoken

And I agree it's purely vanity driven as I highly doubt he would be on at her if she had a crap diet but was a size eight.

That's not what I took issue with. It was the poster saying: Don't try and rebel by being unhealthy because you will only end up harming yourself.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Another thread that reminds me how lovely it is to be single

@AB1234567 Just to mention I had all the same as you and a size 16/18 and it suddenly flipped 8 months ago.i was 60 - I think covid did it in my case) suddenly I had high BP, prediabetic , and high cholesterol- all of which now require me to get about 3 to 4 stone off to reverse it- whilst being on beta blockers which slow your metabolism. I do agree that you can be perfectly healthy on paper and not skinny (and I think I looked ok too) but if you suddenly hit a big health condition , first thing they will say is 'lose weight' - diabetes in particular is way more common if overweight. However it's important anyone does it because they want to or health seems they need to, not because some tit dictates that you do or stops speaking to you